Embarrassing fic is embarassing. 'nough said. No comments on the beginning please, I don't even know what I was thinking. Embarrassing fic is embarrassing enough without the comments on the beginning.
This was the day that I wrote with the monitor turned off and word open. It must have worked. Good cure for writers block, just type with the screen turned off. That way ya can't look at what you presume is trash until the end. Or in my case, after 30 days. It works.
Chapter 10: What I've done
He was not gentle with him. Not gentle at all. Rough, violent and sadistic may be words to use instead, but never gentle. Not loving. Every movement just got rougher, causing more and more hot blood to trickle from the other's body and onto the bed. The hot tickling sensation of it dripping down the skin of the seme, who was now gripping the neck of the uke as he was climaxing. Drawing breath in harshly as he screwed the other; the victim of his abuse.
Gin cried out in pain with every thrust Aizen made into him, praying to the very gods that he would stop. But he didn't. Silent tears falling from his red eyes that were now becoming bloodshot. He whimpered as Aizen felt himself empty into him, collapsing onto Gin's chest from exhaustion, panting heavily. Gin's chest rising and falling shakily as Aizen lay there on top of him, both bodies covered in sweat. There, done.
He pulled himself out of Gin, still with trembling muscles all over. It is at this point after enduring this that some form of reassurance to the uke is given, and the point that something romantic is said. In any normal case this would be so. But this is no normal case. So nothing was said. No sound existed in that room apart from laboured breathing and heavy panting. No kisses were given, no embraces were made. Just silence between the two of them. Maybe in an alternate reality this might have been so, but not here. Not now. Not after all of the trauma and abuse.
Neither one, not Aizen or Gin, moved. They just lay there together for what seemed to be an eternity. Every second felt like an hour. They lay there together, both naked and completely exposed in that dark room until their harsh breathing subsided and Aizen climbed off of Gin and got to his feet. He was still all hazy but he managed to find his hakama and put it on and then stagger out of the room, leaving Gin alone and exposed in his room, leaving his clothes behind him. He didn't really know where to go, but as soon as he closed the door shut behind him and got outside, he wretched and vomited.
"Damn it Sousuke. Why does your body always do this to me?"
He gasped in air as he tried to get the rest of the undigested food that was rejected by his body. He couldn't breathe again, he was becoming dizzy and disorientated. He had to lean against the wall to steady himself and stop him from falling over. He was panting heavily and trying to breathe through the nausea that had just this second overcome him. He bent over and vomited again.
"Ugh… what the… ow my head…."
His head was pounding. His heartbeat racing. He had to go somewhere, the dawn was breaking and the sun was starting to rise now. He didn't even know what time it was, but he knew he couldn't stay standing up for much longer. He needed to collapse, his body was telling him to collapse. All the energy had been drained out of him. He tried to walk, to somehow get to Gin's empty vacant room, walking unsteadily through the empty streets at four in the morning when the sun was starting to appear over the horizon. Nobody was around, which was probably all for the better seeing the state of undress he was in right now. All covered in blood that wasn't his own, and looking a mess right now. So it was probably better that no one saw him like this. It might have seemed like he was either drunk or he had been in a fight. Or he had gone on an all night killing spree within the Seireitei. To be fair, he did look a lot like a mass murderer and serial killer right now.
He broke out into a run, the haze starting to lift. Gradually getting faster and faster as he ran, the sun getting higher and higher into the sky, waking the sleeping shinigami all over the Seireitei. He had to get there before anybody saw him. They would ask questions he didn't want to have to answer. He would look like a liar since he was covered in blood and sweat. Only the blood was not his own.
He couldn't face it. Or them. Not right now. He didn't even want to. He just wanted to disappear. Vanish from the face of the earth. Cross out what he had become, erase what he had done. Let go and end everything. He didn't want this. He was shifting back to himself again, the real Aizen. The one everybody new and trusted. The other side was fading away with the moon and the nights darkness. Getting fainter and fainter. He turned the corner just as people were emerging from their rooms, greeting the new day with sleep filled eyes. Each one of them unaware that Aizen had spent the entire night awake. Doing things that he shouldn't. to someone he shouldn't.
He burst into Gin's room and slammed it shut behind him so that the entire room shook with the impact. He locked the door. Not even registering the fact that the instalment of this lock was recent. He just wanted to be away from the outside world. He tore out all of the drawers looking for another sharp object. Something to slash his veins with, something to slit his wrists with.
Finding nothing, he headed into the bathroom in a panic. Tearing everything down, finding not even one razor blade with which to inflict harm on himself. He was panting again, not being able to breathe as the realisation of what he'd done dawned on him. His eyes drew to the mirror, his reflection shocking him. He was not looking at himself, he was looking at someone else.
It was the eyes.
What he saw was almost as terrifying as looking into the gates of hell, knowing that that was where you would be going. Seeing all of the pain and suffering in hell before you had to walk in.
Those black eyes.
Those yellow pupils.
White skin.
White hair.
It looked just like him. Only it was not him. This was what terrified him the most in the world. Looking directly into the eyes of his other self. The other side of him that existed alongside him. Seeing every thing, watching everything. Hollow eyes, uncaring and noticing of pain. Blind to suffering. Blind to agony. Blind to hurt.
It seemed to smirk back at him, and it was, the very first time that Aizen saw his own 'true' face. His other half, the other part of him that consumed part of his soul. It truly terrified him. Just being face to face with it, looking right at it, really scared the shit out of him. He started to shake. This was his own reflection.
He couldn't move, he was looking at the man in the mirror, seeing him as his victims had seen him when he abused them. He didn't like it.
Was this really him?
Was he really looking at the real Aizen Sousuke? Or was he just delirious? Could he really be hallucinating, or was he staring the truth right in the face. Was this a lie? He always knew that there was another side to him, but to really be looking at it seemed too surreal.
No, this couldn't be…
Was this really him?
He was looking at the face that lied to them, the face that abused them. The face that they saw when they were looking at him. When he talked to them, when he was with them. Was this what they saw?
Was this who Gin saw when he looked at him? Or was this just some form of illusion?
He didn't know, all he knew was that this was himself he was looking at. And that no matter how different, no matter how distorted and evil, and that no matter how violent, he knew that this was the other half of him. The face of a liar, the face of a killer. The face of an abuser. This was the real man in the mirror. And this man was him.
He couldn't move, he started to shake again. He couldn't believe it; was this really him? Was this what he was becoming? He was struggling to breathe normally now, his breath shook his entire ribcage, no, this wasn't right. Not right at all. He never wanted to cause hurt, he never wanted to let this happen.
Everything was just slipping beyond his scope of control now. It was like falling down and into a bottomless cavern, waiting for an impact with the floor that would never come. Tumbling and falling down and down, falling into the embrace of madness, the embrace of the darkness within him. Doing what he'd done again and again, wanting always to erase it all.
"What am I becoming?"
Knowing that he could never start again, knowing that he could never undo it. All the hurt caused, all the abuse inflicted. Not just upon Gin but upon the unnamed blonde haired boy from years ago. Knowing that it would not end. Just knowing that was enough to shock the system. Just enough to push him off of that knife edge he was standing on, and make him fall continuously indo the depths of a negative psychosis. A state of mind that was not there. A state of mind that he wanted to get rid of. That was what scared him; the fact that he was capable of doing such god awful things to other human beings. Hurting and causing pain.
This was what he wanted to disappear, what he wanted to suppress. He just couldn't live like this. Waking up not knowing the events of the past night, cutting himself to alleviate the guilt, knowing that it wouldn't do anything.
"Just fucking disappear!" he screamed out at the top of his lungs as he brought his wrist down onto the bathroom mirror and smashed it into pieces. Cutting his wrist in the process.
He watched all of the pieces fall around him. If only mercy could wash over him now and forgive him like the mirror. He wanted to just break mirrors instead of promises. How he wanted to let go, let it all go. Stop this whole thing, clean the slate right now with his uncertain hands. Start over.
But he could never start over. He knew that. Whatever pain may come to him he could never go back and get rid of it. The stain on his soul would forever remain there. Even if the damage could be undone.
His hands dove for a large enough chunk of the glass. Trembling and shaking, ever uncertain of what they were doing.
"What have I done?!"
He screamed out to the high heavens and demanded an answer, knowing that none would come to him as he screamed and slashed his wrists one after the other, wanting to bleed it all out. He gripped the piece of the mirror so hard that his hand bled, plunging the glass into his wrist with such fury, wanting desperately for the blood to pour from him. Wanting to end it all. Blood squirting and gushing from the arteries and veins on each of his wrists as the glass punctured and slashed through them. Staining everything it touched.
He let it empty from him, letting it go so easily, washing away everything. All of his guilt, all of his pain, all of his uncertainty, all of his will to live. Wanting to start again, today this ends. Today this ended and he could start over, wipe clean the bloodstained slate. Today he regretted his last. He would end it, he wouldn't let himself hurt Gin again, he loved him too much for that to ever happen again. He said farewell to guilt, he wanted to be gone. He wanted all of this to end. He wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and remember where he was; maybe if he vanished he could do that. He could wash away in the tides of life and death.
Because that was the only way he could ever be forgiven for it.
He felt weak, all of the strength leaving his limbs, the strength to stand leaving him along with vast amounts of blood. He gripped onto the sink, not being able to support himself and falling to the floor, watching his wrists bleed heavily onto the light blue tiled floor. He tried to breathe steadier and calm down, not wanting to let the sight or the scent of blood to panic him as he left this life.
He tilted his head to look upwards, facing himself in one of the larger shards of the mirror that lay scattered around him, watching the black eyed boy that was Aizen Sousuke slowly disappear from it. Sighing in relief when it vanished completely, deriving the truth from the thousands of lies. He watched and waited for the end to come, for sleep to take him away from his body. For good. For all of eternity.
Waiting to die, slowly watching the time pass as the blood from his body slowly emptied out onto the pale floor beneath him as he lay there curled up in Gin's bathroom. Maybe in the morning they would find him. Maybe they would find out everything. Maybe then Gin could live without him, and be free. Maybe then he could start over, maybe then mercy could come and wash away what he'd done.
He watched as the world grew slowly darker along with the pool of blood. The bathroom floor reddening as he grew paler. Steadily crawling over onto his stomach and then onto his side. Waiting for the darkness to come and take him. Regretting everything.
"Forgive me…"
He slowly curled up, bringing his knees closer to his chest and letting his body relax. Letting only a few quiet tears fall from his softened brown eyes, quietly crying over all that had happened. Because he thought he could handle it, but in the end it was just too much for him.
"I'm sorry…"
And then, when he felt that he could stay awake no more, he closed his eyes, and for what would presumably be for the very last time, he fell asleep.
