WARNING: We're entering rape and non-con territories. DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SUCH.
It's partly the reason why, this chapter has taken me so long to write because I was unsure of how to go about this. I knew I wanted to keep it in the story for the sake of narrative and character development but more often than not, one comes across fanfiction with the issue of rape and it is handled so poorly, it feels like you got hit in the face with a sledgehammer and I didn't want to contribute to that. Therefore, I wanted to handle it with as much maturity as possible. Anyway, please enjoy and take my warning as well as this author's note into consideration before you continue reading.
Dammit.
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
What am I doing?
I should have punched him and run away. Why am I giving in to this? Why am I letting my feelings speak for me? I don't deserve this; it hurts when people care, it hurts when he cares. It just hurts. It's a wonderful feeling that hurts so much, like a whip against some masochist's ass. I'm not a masochist. I don't want this. It hurts and yet it feels good. Like drugs. Like the most addictive of cocaine but it's just gonna ruin me in the end. It's gonna ruin the both of us.
I'm too broken for him and even myself. So instinctively, I push him away.
"Sammy…?" Topher looks at me with confusion in his eyes and I can't stand to look at him. It feels so wrong and I feel so guilty about it. I wish he would stop looking at me like an abused puppy looking for love.
"I can't… accept your feelings." I say. If I wanted to sound tough, I failed miserably. Just pathetic. Topher tries to force a smile and he comes a bit closer to me.
"That's o-ok. I told you, right?"
"I… like you a lot too." So, I do, I guess.
Topher's face immediately darkens into an intense red and he opens and closes his mouth like a fish. Endearing and yet…"That's why it hurts when you do this. And knowing how much you care… it's not worth it."
"It is! For me! I can't stand watching you be like this, man." Topher's smile breaks as he intensely grabs my hand, giving it a tight squeeze. Dammit, he is really serious about this. What am I to do.
"…Just friends."
"Just friends. That's perfectly fine." Topher tightly squeezes my hand.
It still hurts and I feel horrible. There's a terrible aching and everything around seems to stagnate, like the entire world freezes over, everywhere, anywhere. It feels like the air around us is stagnating and I guess I should be happy but… why do I feel like some gruesome, horrible fate looms in the dark?
"Best friends?" Topher asks with a sly smile on his face and I allow myself to chuckle a bit and swat his arm.
"Don't push your luck." I probably don't mean that. The feeling of dread still lingers heavily but I guess, I can no longer allow myself to shut off the world. His kindness is like cocaine but in the moment, it is like a blessing. I suppose the reason why I allow myself to have a laugh and be content for once is because, when all is said and done, I am lonely. I have no one, not even a proper family.
Nothing. Except for Topher now. Who would have thought.
We begin to walk home and true to the winter weather, it's already beginning to get dark. As we walk home, Topher is mostly blabbing on about some reality TV show that is mostly popular among the dumb, the shallow and the curious and I believe Topher belongs to the latter group.
Soon, we find ourselves at a crossroad and I realixe that we have to part ways now.
"You don't mind me coming over this weekend, do you?"
"…If anything, I'd rather visit you. My family is…"
"I know I know. I just wanted to uppercut your dad into the sun." he says and I can't help but smile a bit over that.
"I would pay every penny I own to see that."
"Oh but you'd be the VIP with free entrance!"
"Goodnight Topher." I nod at him, still smiling. Odd how I feel so at ease now. Crap, I just can't sort out my emotions, can I?
We part ways and little by little, I begin to feel the cold world breaching the barriers, he put up for me.
Since we were at the park, I have a longer walk home. I would rather not go but I guess I don't have a choice. The roads tonight are eerily empty and few households have signs of life. I don't really think much about it because I am nothing to these people and vice versa but I can't help but find it strange. Suddenly, I hear the engine of a car in the distance behind me and I can calm myself down a little more, knowing this isn't 28 Days Later. I pay no mind to the car as I walk but it slowly occurs to me that the car draws unnaturally slowly. There's no sirens or blaring lights so it's not a police officer, so what the hell are they doing?
I hurry my pace a little, praying for some sort of backally, I consider hiding because the dread begins to eat bigger chunks of my soul. I doubt that whoever is driving wants anything to do with me so I shouldn't worry but I'm proven horrible wrong when the vehicle suddenly drives up to my right side and the windows rolls down. I see a young man, some asshat, that I have never in my life seen before.
"Hey beautiful." Some doucheface says to me. In the car, there's four other asshats with him and they all stink of douche cologne. I promptly ignore them and keep walking, continuously looking to my left to see if there's any place, I can run off to.
"I see you got rid of that mole of yours."
A sense of shock washes over him as I'm compelled to look at him. This guy is involved with my sister but… how?
"I'm not her! I'm not my sister, so leave me alone." I say as confidently as I can but it only amounts into a meek whisper. A weird smile appears on the driver's face and he turns and whispers some words to his fellow douchebags while chills run down my spine.
"Oh? Don't be like that. I'm sure, we can get greatly acquainted with each other just like with your 'sis'. Why don't you join us for a ride?"
The anxiety level is reaching lethal levels here and I'm certain my voice would be shaky and quivering with nervousness alone, so I hurry my pace even more instead of asking him to fuck off. In my pocket, I clutch my only sense of defense, my cellphone. Further up ahead, I see another set of crossroads and I quickly jog to it as if it's my lord and savior. However, suddenly the car door opens and one asshole grabs my arm and tries to pull me into the car.
"Let me go!"
Instead, the men laugh as I'm helplessly dragged into the vehicle. I have no energy usually but today I feel like I suddenly turned into Supergirl. My inner rage takes control and I kick and flail as much as I possibly can while the door behind me is closed. Even though there are three pairs of man hands holding me down, I still manage to kick one of them in the face and bite another when he tries to put his hand over my face.
I don't know who they are or how they know Amy. All I know that I want to survive. I wonder of that intense dread was foreshadowing this. My doom, my death. Whatever the hell this is. Suddenly a sharp pain emerges in my shoulder and I manage to turn around just enough to see a syringe jammed into me, through my hoodie. My eyes fill with tears as my body becomes heavy and I no longer have the energy to keep fighting.
When I open my eyes, I find myself bounded and gagged on a hard floor. The only source of light is a single lamp that hangs from the ceiling. My body is still heavy from the drugs and I'm unable to move yet. My heart is beating in horrific anticipation while I lie here and wait. Suddenly the men from before circle around me like vultures before one of them comes closer to me. If I could move, I likely would have kicked him in the face. Amy may have ruined my life but she had taught me a thing or two about fighting.
The guy reaches out for me and grabs my leg before pulling me towards him and it's at that moment, I realize that I'm only wearing my underwear. I try to scream but a gag in my mouth prevents me from doing so.
"Don't look at me like that, bitch. You asked for this, Amelia."
It seems that Amy has some unfinished business with these guys and not of the most savory kind but what does that has to do with me? I wriggle around on the floor, trying to release myself from the grip of that man but it's like the bite of a dog; all too powerful than it has any right to be. Soon the guy literally sits on me while his goons pinned me to the floor.
Back in my cheerleader days, there was this one girl who managed to get on our team for whatever reason. She was a big girl and rather immobile due to her weight but it didn't seem to bother her; she was just happy to be there. She would always talk to an annoying degree and come up with the most outrageous stories about her family or bloodline. She really stuck out like a sore thump there, but she wanted to fit in, eventually growing so attached to us, that everyone was convinced she was a dyke. For someone as immobile as her, the power of potential friendship made her strong as an ox. Years later, I found her attending my high school and I saw that she hasn't changed one bit, even after the incident that split the entire cheerleading team apart. She was still fat and still annoying but she still had the strengths of an ox, which would occasionally show up whenever someone acknowledged her.
I wish I had her strength. Gym class always killed me despite my athleticism. I don't know why I'm remembering this now; perhaps it is my way of escaping this nightmare of the man panting and raving on about how I owe him my body before showering me with insults.
It hurts so very much but I can't feel anything anymore. I have cried so many times, been depressed so much that this, the ultimate of horrible tragedies, can't face me directly. I can hear myself scream in pain, I can feel the tears running down my face, I feel gross, disgusting, ruined.
And yet I feel nothing. It's like what remains of my soul was ripped out of me, the second they defiled me like this. Dammit, who am I kidding? I did this to myself, did I not?
Everything that went wrong for me is my fault, and this is my punishment, is it not?
Is it not because I am the worst?
Is it not because I've less dignity than trash?
"I've always wanted to fuck you silly." Another guy says after they switch turns.
I've always wanted to die, I realize now.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
Everything turns black.
Everything….
I don't know how long this nightmare went on as my perception of time has been glitched up the ass by the time, they drop me off in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere along the line I blacked out after all of my senses were numbed. I look down at myself and see that my clothes have figuratively tossed onto me. There's an uncomfortable sticky feeling between my legs. Between that and the freezing cold, I'd much rather just have my legs chopped off. My head is groggy and I taste the metallic sensation of blood on my unnaturally dry lips.
My feet are completely senseless from the cold as I begin the long walk home. Reaching through my pocket, I find my cellphone and I see a dozen of missed calls from Mommy and a few texts from Topher. I can't look at them anymore, for the tears that begin to build in my eyes.
As I walk, I soon come across familiar territory as I realize that I'm in neighborhood. I feel so awful. Well awful is putting it lightly. I don't think words can describe how I feel. I don't want to think about how I feel. I just want to sleep forever. Like Sleeping Beauty with no prince wanting to touch her disgusting body with a ten-foot pole.
I make way to my house and pretty much just drag myself inside, just as they are all finished with dinner. I'm not hungry; in reality, I'm ready to throw up.
"Sammy!" Mommy shrieks in horror as she drops whatever she's carrying and runs over to me, grabbing my shoulders before I collapse on the floor. I close my eyes as I hear her horrified cries for help and demands of the man who used to be my father calls an ambulance. I can't hear what they are saying anymore as the voices get drowned out.
