Thanks to the help of Joe's handy police siren, Jasper, Ricardo and Britney had managed to weave their way through the rest of the traffic and were now sitting in the maternity ward of the Quahog hospital, where Peter, Brian, Chris and Stewie had followed them. Britney was in bed, recuperating as she watched television; Joe and Dr. Hartman were talking quietly in the hallway; Jasper and Ricardo were feeding the puppies; and Chris and Peter were playing with the ones who had already been fed. Brian sat in a chair next to Britney's bed, reading an old magazine from the waiting room (Time: New Year for Nixon), and Stewie sat in the chair next to him, every so often trying to catch Brian's eye, but failing. It seemed that Brian was determined to ignore him, at least for now.

"Eeenie, meenie, minie, moe, catch a puppy by the toe," Peter said cheerfully, as he pointed a finger at each of the the pups accordingly. "If he hollers, let him ... uh..." Peter paused in thought, "...let him do my mother who told me to pick the sexiest one and ... er..."

"You are it, Dad," Chris finished for his father, as he patted one of the puppies on the head.

"I'm what, Chris?" Peter asked.

"You are it," Chris replied, looking at his father questioningly. "That's the end of the game."

"What's the end of the game?" said Peter, even more confused.

"It's the end of the game!" Chris responded, while the puppies simply looked on, slightly puzzled.

"I know it's the end of the game, but what the hell is it?" Peter asked, starting to grow angry.

"What the hell's what, Dad? You're confusing me."

Before Peter could reply, and effectively turn the entire conversation into an Abbott and Costello skit, Lois and Meg burst through the door, panting hard and carrying armfuls of shopping bags. "We came as soon as we heard!" Lois gasped. "How are they?"

"They're fine, they're fine," Brian said reassuringly, putting the magazine down and standing up. "Britney here pulled through magnificently."

"Yes, she was absolutely fabulous," said Jasper cheerfully, putting a paw on her hand; Britney looked over at him and smiled slightly. "And it doesn't hurt that she's drop-dead gorgeous!"

"A matter of opinion," Brian coughed, then turned back to Lois. "You and Meg are just in time to see the last of the pups being fed. Do you want to help Ricardo out?"

"Sure!" said Meg, heading over and picking up one of the puppies; Ricardo handed her a baby bottle and she gently held it over the pup's mouth. The pup blinked at it, looking bored, but eventually grabbed it and began drinking, like the others. Meg laughed and petted its head. "They're so adorable!"

"That they are," smiled Lois, taking the last one into her arms and doing the same. This pup drank much more eagerly, and the formula in the bottle was gone within seconds; the pup then gave a contented yawn and settled down in Lois's arms for a nap.

"My God, it's an overload of cute," groaned Stewie, hopping off his chair and approaching Brian. "Dog, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I wonder, might we take a trip to the hallway?"

Brian, still angry at Stewie, didn't respond at first; but he eventually gave a noncommittal grunt and said, "Fine." The two of them then headed for the door, unnoticed by the rest of the family, as all of them were busy with the seven pups. Stewie took this opportunity to reach out for Brian's paw and take it in his hand as they walked, but Brian immediately pulled his paw back, and after several more failed attempts Stewie desisted.

Behind the two of them, Jasper hopped up on the bed next to Britney, placing a paw on her shoulder. "So, we'll give you a few months to recover and relax, then it's Ricardo's turn. How's that sound?"

Britney shrugged. "Hey, so long as you got the cash, it doesn't matter to me. You know, I wish Kevin had been more like that, to be honest."

"Yeah," said Peter, joining Jasper by the bedside, "and whatever it is, it's gotta be a better moneymaker than that time I tried to sell my own TV show."


"See, it's about this wacky New England-type family," said Peter excitedly, setting his script down in front of the studio directors. "It has a big, loudmouthed retarded guy, a crazy stay-at-home mom, two funny kids, and a talking dog and baby. Plus — and here's the best part," he added, pointing at the directors and winking, "the show's full of random pop culture flashbacks that have nothing to do with the plot or narrative!"

There was complete silence at the director's table, as all five of the men stared at Peter. Peter blinked back at them, and the men blinked at Peter, until finally the one in the center leaned forward and said, quite blandly, "Yeah, there's no market for that kind of thing. Get him out of here!" he called at a nearby security guard.


Brian and Stewie shut the door to the ward behind them and slowly walked down the hallway. Brian wasn't really sure where Stewie was leading him, and didn't much care; he wasn't even certain if he wanted to hear what Stewie had to say in the first place. Instead, Brian listened in on Joe and Dr. Hartman's conversation as he walked by.

"Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry to tell you this," Dr. Hartman was saying solemnly, as he placed a hand on Joe's shoulder, "but you will be permanently paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of your life."

Joe didn't respond for a moment, only glaring at Hartman. "Doc, I knew that," he finally said in a very low voice. "I just wanted to know if Miss Spears will be all right."

"Oh, she'll be fine," Hartman said nonchalantly, pulling out a slip of paper from his clipboard. "Fined for indecent exposure, that is! We caught another crotch shot of her as she was getting out of the taxi."

Joe rolled his eyes. "Great," he muttered, "I'll have to see that online about fifty million times."

"Ah well, she'll just have to grin and bear it like she always does," Dr. Hartman said, putting the paper away. "After all, she's bared it more than there are days in the year!" he added, playfully elbowing Joe.

Joe's only response was to roll his eyes again, and at that moment a hospital intern came up to the two of them. "Dr. Hartman...?" said the young man, as he clutched a piece of paper to his chest. "T-this ... is the best patient photo ever!" He kissed the picture of Spears getting out of the taxi, and ran off.

Joe watched him go, incredulous. "Doc, you're circulating copies of the photo?"

"Sure!" said Hartman cheerfully. "There's plenty to go around. Besides, it's good for business!" He laughed. "Good for us to see her business, that is!"

"Doc, you need help," Joe said plainly, as Brian and Stewie continued on.

"Yes, yes, as is clear by anything that comes out of the mouth of that disgusting hack," Stewie said with distaste, glancing back at Hartman. "He's almost worse than the ruler of our country."

"That's saying a lot," Brian commented, as the two of them turned a corner. "By the way, Stewie, where are we going?"

"Oh, nowhere," Stewie said innocently, though his smile said something else. "I just want to talk, Brian."

"Sure you do," Brian said sarcastically, but continued to follow Stewie down the hallway, until they reached a plain-looking blue door. Stewie swung it open and pulled Brian through, and then shut the door behind the two of them.

Inside, Brian flicked a switch, and a very small light bulb turned on. "A janitorial closet," Brian said, looking around. "You couldn't have picked something a little less claustrophobic?"

"Oh, I could have," Stewie replied, sitting down on top of a box of surgical gloves, "but things would have been less ... private that way." He flashed another knowing grin at Brian, patting the box next to his. "Why don't you have a seat, dear Brian?"

Brian pressed his back against the door, regretting his decision to even leave with Stewie in the first place. "I'm not going to make out with you, Stewie, so you can stop dropping hints," he said angrily, crossing his arms. "I shouldn't even be in here right now."

"Oh, please, must everything I say still be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo?" said Stewie, rolling his eyes and standing on the box. "What I was going to say, Brian, was that I was quite impressed with the way you handled yourself with this whole Jasper incident. After all, if you hadn't appealed to Joe to help us out, or assisted your cousin with the puppies' care, why — who knows where all of this might have ended up?"

Brian blinked. This was certainly unexpected. "That's ... interesting," he finally said hesitantly. "...Why are you complimenting me?" he added suspiciously.

Stewie raised his eyebrows at Brian and walked over to stand next to him. "What, a friend's not allowed to tell another friend what they think of them?" he asked simply, also crossing his arms.

"Stewie..." Brian said, hesitating again, "...the problem is, I know you think of me as more than a friend. And, I'm sorry," he added, more firmly now, "but I can never feel the same way towards you."

"Well, why the hell NOT?" Stewie suddenly yelled loudly; his anger had finally gotten the best of him. "You're drawn to me — don't deny it!" he shouted, poking Brian in the chest. "I've seen it in your eyes, in the way you look at me, in the way you're always uncomfortable whenever you're close to me! Don't try to pretend the attraction's not there, Brian, because it is, and you know it."

"That's only because YOU turned me gay in the first place!" shouted Brian just as angrily, pushing Stewie back. "It's not natural, Stewie, and that's a fact you're well aware of!"

"What's not natural about it?" said Stewie hotly, spreading his arms. "There was an obstacle in the way of our relationship, and I removed it. It's as simple as that, Brian."

"It was an obstacle for you!" Brian yelled, positively furious now. "I never wanted to 'get it removed' in the first place! You turned me gay just to fulfill your own sick desires, Stewie, and that's not something I'm willing to be a part of." He looked Stewie right in the eyes and said lowly, "That's what's not natural about it. The fact is, you took our existing relationship — a friendship — and twisted it for your own gain. And I'm not going to hang out with anyone selfish enough to do that."

"Well, Brian, if you'd just let me, I could show you that turning that friendship into a relationship can be a good thing. Much better than any other relationship you've had in the past, certainly," Stewie growled. His fists were still clenched and his gaze angry, yet there was a slight edge of seductiveness to his voice all the same.

"You still don't get it?" Brian shouted, his voice at top volume as he glared at Stewie. "I don't want to be gay, Stewie! There's nothing wrong with it, people like you have as much of a right to be happy with it as anything else, but it's NOT WHO I AM! It's who you MADE me to be!"

"Well, of course I made you to be this way!" Stewie yelled back in Brian's face. "I love you, you son of a bitch!"

The two of them stood there for a moment, each furious with the other, both of them hot, sweating, and panting from the argument. Brian's eyes never left Stewie's as the two of them glared at each other, and the only sound in the closet was their continued laborious breathing. Finally, his gaze still murderous, Brian stepped forward and raised a paw as if to hit Stewie ... then he dropped it, still not breaking the glare.

"Damn it," Brian growled. "Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

"More than Diane was on Cheers," Stewie growled back, and promptly fell into Brian's arms.


Outside of the hospital, the Quahog 5 news van pulled up in the parking lot, and a camera crew jumped out, hustling Tom and Diane into the elevator and up to the floor with the maternity ward. The crew talked rapidly back and forth as they set up the cameras outside of the door; someone handed Tom and Diane a couple of microphones, another crew member patted on Tom's fake mustache, and a third brushed Diane's hair. "How do I look?" Diane asked quickly as the crew person left, and she fluffed her hair a bit. "Good?"

"You look better than Miss Spears herself," Tucker commented, straightening the mustache as his crew member also left.

Diane stared at him. "You realize that's not saying much."

"Indeed, I do," Tom replied in a bored tone, and despite Diane's glare, the cameras were switched on, and Tom raised his microphone. "Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker," he said.

"And I'm Diane Simmons," said Diane, as per tradition.

"We're here outside of the Quahog hospital where pop legend Britney Spears has just given birth to puppies," Tom explained, looking into the camera. "Channel 5 has the exclusive story, as well as an interview with the Princess of Pop herself. Let's check in with her, shall we?"

And Tucker turned around and pushed the door open. Unfortunately, the crew had chosen the wrong door — instead of Spears' room, they had set up in front of the closet that Brian and Stewie were hiding out in. Tucker had pushed open the door just in time for the camera crew to catch Stewie falling into Brian's arms, and Brian promptly closing his eyes and kissing Stewie full on the lips.

The two of them stayed like that for a moment, oblivious, as Tom, Diane and the crew stared at them, stunned. Finally Brian opened his eyes, which widened to the size of dinner plates as he noticed the camera crew. Hastily pushing Stewie back away from him, Brian wiped his mouth and glanced back and forth from Tom, to Diane, to the crew.

"Um ..." he said finally, looking at the camera. "...this ... isn't what it looks like?"

There was another pause, and then Tucker turned back to the camera. "Well, there you have it, folks," he said simply into the microphone, "there is a gay, pedophiliac dog loose on the streets of Quahog. We now go to Ollie Williams for the medical diagnosis. Ollie?"

"THAT DOG'S A SICKO!" shouted Ollie.

"Thanks, Ollie," said Tom. "We'll be right back with the real Miss Spears, who is a much more welcome but only slightly less traumatic sight, right after this."

Not a moment too soon, the cameras shut off; for it was then that the entire family, as well as Jasper, Ricardo, Joe and the puppies, barreled down the hallway toward the closet where Brian and Stewie were still standing. Stewie also looked stunned; his hair was untidy and he kept glancing around at everyone, as if he couldn't believe all of this was happening.

"You'll never guess what we just saw on Britney's television," said Jasper, eyebrows raised as he crossed his arms, and Ricardo nodded from beside him.

"What the hell is wrong with you, you disgusting pervert?" yelled Lois, her glare at Brian murderous.

"You're sick!" agreed Peter, his hands on his hips. "You're even sicker than pedophiles! Oh, that's right, I forgot," he added, his eyes narrowing. "You are one!"

"Brian, what do you think you're doing?" shouted Chris, who didn't sound angry, but rather unbelievably confused. His look mirrored those of the puppies behind him: They were all staring at Brian, blinking in a befuddled matter, not quite aware of the implications of all this.

"That was supposed to be me, Brian!" yelled Meg, her fists clenched. "Not Stewie, me! He's just a baby!"

"I can't believe you, Brian!" Joe cried, pushing his wheelchair forward. "You're one of the last people I expected to have arrested on a Michael Jackson charge!"

"No, no!" shouted Brian, raising his paws defensively as he began backing away from the rest of the family. "No, it's not what you all think! It's a mistake, a misunderstanding! Please!" he cried, his tone begging. "Please just give me a chance to explain!"

"There's nothing to explain, Brian," stated Joe severely. "We all saw it. Stewie fell into your arms and you kissed him!"

"Yeah, who knows how much farther you would have gone if the news crew hadn't busted in?" said Meg harshly; the fact that she had been replaced was definitely getting to her.

"He's a baby, Brian!" Lois shouted, pointing at Stewie. "I can't believe you used him for something like this!"

"But — no, NO, I didn't!" gasped Brian, still backing away; his eyes were glistening. "Please — please just let me explain—"

"Any chance you might have had with that was lost the moment your lips went anywhere near Stewie's," Lois said angrily, bending down to pick up the baby in question.

"Yeah!" Peter agreed, coming to stand next to his wife and son protectively. "'Man's best friend' ... looks to me like he was more than just a friend!" he added, echoing Brian and Stewie's earlier comments to each other.

"Brian, I'm going to give you thirty seconds," said Joe lowly, as he slowly pushed his wheelchair forward. "Once those thirty seconds are up, then I am coming after you. I suggest you run. Now."

"Yeah, Brian! Go on, get off with your gross fantasies somewhere else!" called Meg. "Preferably with me!"

"Brian, I want you to leave," said Lois severely, as she hugged Stewie protectively, and Peter did the same to her. "None of us want to see you at the moment."

Jasper, Ricardo, and Chris — as well as the puppies — didn't say anything; rather, all of them simply gazed at Brian, as if they couldn't quite believe what he had just done. Their stares brought on a momentary silence, during which Brian stopped backing away for the briefest moment.

"Don't any of you believe me?" he said, his voice cracking; he was crying. "I swear to all of you — t-this wasn't — wasn't what you think it was. Please," he begged again. "Please believe me!"

"Twenty seconds," said Joe, looking at his watch.

Brian gazed at what used to be his family one last time ... then, slowly, he turned around, and began running. Faster and faster he went, picking up speed as he flew through the hospital corridors — down stairwells, around corners, through hallways — the world rushed by in a blur as Brian fought to keep his eyes from spilling over. He let out a strangled sob as he burst through the main lobby doors and out into the cold night, his feet carrying him through the city streets — and all the while, the voices of his family played over and over again in his head, taunting him, torturing him...

"Go on, get off with your gross fantasies somewhere else!"

"You're SICK!"

"What do you think you're DOING?"

"He's just a baby!"

"What the hell is wrong with you, you disgusting pervert?"

"Pervert!"

"Pervert!"

"PERVERT!"