"Tell me, Arizona. You have to say something."
.
.
Callie watched her ex-wife battling with herself, and she knew, she knew without a doubt that she was right – she could see it in the other woman's eyes, practically feel it, sense it in a way she couldn't quite explain. This would be their last chance, the only chance they still had – and letting out a weighted breath, Callie decided that she would be the one to leap. She would take the risk for both of them.
"Because I'm still in love with you, too."
Arizona's eyes immediately met hers as the words left her mouth, something akin to surprise registering briefly but quickly being replaced by a look of pure, unadulterated awe. She held Callie's gaze, her heart racing in her chest, but still she sat silently, a million things running through her mind. A million fears, a million hopes – a million possibilities.
"I love you, Arizona. Still, again…always."
Callie shook her head just a little, her voice soft and vulnerable as she reached out for the other woman's hand. Arizona let her take it, the warmth from the other woman grounding her, and she swallowed the lump in her throat as the words she'd longed to hear for so long tumbled out of the beautiful brunette's mouth yet again.
"I do – I love you. And I can't keep doing this if you don't feel the same way. Every time we're together…every time I touch you—" she looked down at their hands, her thumb stroking softly against pale skin, "I want more. So much more."
Arizona knew in that moment that she had a choice to make. Callie was giving her a choice – she'd laid out everything the blonde had been wondering about, had been questioning, had been doubting since the other woman came back into her life. And…she'd been so sure she was wrong. She had barely dared to let herself imagine anything other than the purely physical relationship, anything other than stolen moments and nights spent in secret, anything more, anything permanent. Because if she let herself imagine it…she saw houses, and children, and vacations, and anniversaries. She saw laughs, and tears, and heartbreak, and…she saw happiness.
They'd been a disaster. Beautiful, powerful, awe-inspiring – but a disaster nonetheless. And it could happen again, they could break each other in a thousand different ways – break each other like nobody else ever could.
But as she looked at Callie again, blue eyes meeting brown and connecting in a way that anchored her very soul, she realized that maybe none of that mattered. Maybe loving each other, trusting in each other…maybe it really could be enough.
"I love you, too."
The words tumbled from her lips in a whisper before she could stop them, before she could let herself over-think it anymore – a moment of courage surging forth from her whole being. And Callie's entire expression changed in a heartbeat. Her eyes softened and she almost looked as if she could cry, a multitude of emotions flashing across her dark gaze in the briefest of moments. She smiled, just a little, and Arizona's heart felt like it was bursting open – like something had finally been released inside of her, something that had been yearning to be free.
"Calliope Torres, I am so in love with you. I've always wanted everything with you."
Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment and she let out a breath, her hand slipping from the other woman's grasp. The truth was out – it hovered in the air between them, encircling them and echoing off the walls – but Arizona couldn't help the slight clutch of fear that still attempted to take hold; to pull her back, to make her want to hide away.
"But you left."
She looked at the brunette again, her head tilting slightly to the side as she considered what was transpiring between them.
"I set you free because I still loved you, but Callie – you went. You walked away."
As soon as the words were spoken, both women knew the reference wasn't simply about New York. And Callie knew that she had no good answer – there was no explanation, not really, except that walking away had been the only thing that felt right at the time. The only thing that felt possible, both times she did it. The only thing that felt like it could save her…save both of them. And that's all she had ever really wanted, to save Arizona from any more hurt and heartbreak.
Six months ago, she couldn't have given Arizona what she wanted. What she deserved. But now – Callie was prepared to give her everything.
"We were so mad Arizona – we were so mad at each other…about Sofia, about New York…it wasn't the right time…"
"But it wasn't the first time," Arizona interrupted, tucking hair back behind her ear, "you walked away from our marriage in the first place. Youdecided we weren't worth fighting for anymore, so if we…if we do this," she waved between them vaguely, her heart fluttering at the mere thought, "how do I know you're not going to give up again?"
"You didn't come after me either."
Blue eyes looked up to meet her gaze, and the smaller woman's expression changed, her features twisting into a look of confusion.
"What?"
"You never came after me, not once. I may have been the one who walked out of that office, but you didn't exactly ask me to stay. Or to come back."
"Okay now, no, that's not fair. Was I supposed to beg? Plead with you even more? You wanted out. You made that very clear."
Callie's eyes fluttered closed for a brief moment, memories resurfacing that she'd rather have kept buried – memories of a time when their life had been in absolute shambles.
"But if you had asked–" she looked across the bed again, her voice softer, "I would have turned around. I would have done anything you asked, but you just let me walk away. You always let me walk away, Arizona."
Arizona could only stare at her ex-wife, the reality of her words sinking in but yet still not assuaging any of her fears. She'd put so much of herself into fighting for their marriage, fighting for Callie – for years she'd fought for them, and it had always seemed one-sided.
"You wouldn't have changed your mind."
"You don't know that!"
Callie ran a hand back through her hair, the motion not going unnoticed by the other woman, and she looked up toward the ceiling, her voice almost incredulous when she spoke again.
"I don't even know that. But that doesn't change the fact that you just kept letting me go, you kept accepting defeat without a fight – and I don't even know why."
"I wanted you to be happy, Callie. You deserve to be happy."
That really was the crux of it – it always had been. When she pushed Callie away before realizing she wanted children too, and when she pushed her away before leaving for Africa – she'd wanted what was best for the woman she loved. When she let her walk out of their therapist's office and break up what was left of their marriage, when she sent her to New York to be with Penny – she'd wanted Callie to be happy, even if that meant being without her. That's all she ever wanted.
Callie let out a half laugh, shaking her head in disbelief. Disbelief that they were having this argument, again.
"You always say that."
"It's always true," Arizona countered, pulling the sheet tighter around her chest, suddenly conscious of the fact they were naked, "because I love you more than you'll ever know, Calliope."
Callie looked up, meeting the other woman's eyes and studying her for a long moment.
"That's what this is, isn't it? You still don't think I could love you as much as you love me. You don't think I'm capable."
Now it was Arizona's turn to shake her head in disbelief, and she reached up to wipe at her eyes, shifting toward the edge of the bed and reaching for her prosthetic. The sheet slipped away and Callie couldn't help but let her eyes trail down the other woman's back, tracing the beautifully toned muscles as she re-attached her leg and stood up.
"You are capable of so much love"
She picked up her shirt from the floor, slipping it on and doing up just enough buttons to cover her naked form. They were stripping each other's emotions bare – stripping them raw – and she couldn't just sit there any longer and pretend this was a comfortable moment between them.
"Then why do you constantly think I don't love you enough?"
Callie climbed off the other side of the bed, grabbing her shirt as well from where it had been tossed near the door.
"I don't get it, Arizona. You either love me or you don't. You either want to be with me or you don't. But you can't keep trying to push me away by saying I'm the one who doesn't want you."
Her words were filled with a barely controlled anger, frustration simmering under the surface of her dark eyes. Arizona let out a weighted breath, her heart clenching painfully in her chest as she listened, and when she spoke she released nearly a decade's worth of emotion that she didn't even know she'd been holding on to.
"Because I am not good enough for you! I've never been enough for you!"
The ferocity with which the words were flung across the room took the brunette by surprise, and she stood there, in just her shirt and her underwear, staring at her ex-wife in shock.
"You wanted a wife, and you wanted children, you wanted someone who would be a good mother…"
Tears sprung to Arizona's eyes and she wiped them away, tilting her head to the ceiling as if trying to fight the force of gravity and keep them inside. She looked so vulnerable, so open and honest and raw – but when she spoke again her voice was forceful as she practically shouted across the space in between them.
"And I was none of those things! I tried so hard, but I've proven it, haven't I? I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad partner. Time after time. You made it so obvious, Callie – god, it was so obvious how you felt by the end. You didn't believe me when I wanted us to try a surrogate, never believed I could share that dream with you. And you didn't think I cared that I lost our second child. That I lost it – me – because apparently the goddamn universe didn't think I was a good enough mother either. I don't even know if you ever wanted to be married to me, Callie, or if it was just the idea of me you wanted, but either way, I sure wasn't living up to it."
The tears were flowing freely now and she squeezed her eyes shut, unable to even look at the woman across the room. She knew this would end in heartbreak. She knew this was inevitable and she'd let it happen anyway. She'd let it happen because for the briefest of moments, Arizona had thought that she had a chance at getting everything back again – everything she ever wanted.
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to live up to it. I love you so much, but what if that isn't enough?"
Running her hand back through long, blonde hair, the smaller woman let her gaze meet the one staring at her from across the bedroom. A moment of silence passed between them and she looked away, turning to face the head of the bed, the pain almost too much to bear.
But Callie crossed the room, a hand landing on Arizona's waist and gently turning the other woman toward her, and as blue eyes met brown once again – both of them glistening with unshed tears – she cupped the blonde's cheeks in her hands and forced her to hold her gaze.
"It's enough. Arizona…you have always been enough."
The look in her ex-wife's eyes was enough to make Arizona believe her; the honesty, the absolute love radiating from her gaze enough to speak to Arizona's soul as she pressed their foreheads together gently. Callie's voice was soft but sure, and she spoke to the blonde like she was the only other person in the world that mattered.
Because to Callie, in that moment, she was.
"You were everything I'd always wanted. You were more than I'd ever even dreamed of. You still are."
Unable to hold back another second, the need to show her love far too great to ever hold back again, Callie kissed Arizona – the touch at once immeasurably tender and completely possessive. It was a kiss unlike any they'd shared since Callie returned to Seattle, but it was a kiss they both wanted to experience again and again and again.
It was a kiss that spoke volumes, far more than any words ever could.
It was a kiss shared by two people completely and irreversibly…in love.
.
