A/N: I do not own Twilight.

Thank you to A Jasper For Me and HMPObsessed. You ladies rock!

I tweaked this little chapter, so any mistakes seen are all mine.

Thank you to everyone reading. Hugs to you all! =)


Chapter 11 – White blank canvases

Bella

The white and dark hues on the canvas in front of me that was intricately meshed together was taking up all my attention. I stared and contemplated if I needed more coloring, but the combination of multiple paints satisfied me. The landscape was far from finished, but I needed to dry this particular layer of paint if I wanted the unique effect I knew it would give me. There was not much I could do until it dried, so I wiped my dirty hands on my work pants and stood up, not removing my eyes away from the canvas.

It was a painting of our old house.

It was a glimpse of my past, and I wanted to capture the beauty that it was. Even though it wasn't finished yet, to me it was a picture of perfection. I had the urge to do this the moment I had stepped out of that plane almost nine hours ago, and I had been cooped up here inside my workplace, my painting room, for eight. The tiredness of my long flight from Washington was soon forgotten, and the call of my easels and brushes needed to be answered. It has been a long time since I last touched them. The smell of acrylic, oils and paper was so great I was on a high.

Painting was my happy place. It was where I was most relaxed…at peace. That was why I hadn't noticed the time. It was mid-afternoon and my stomach was rumbling. I hadn't had breakfast or lunch and it was time for me to eat. After getting some food, sleep was next on the agenda. I planned to take a shower first before napping, though. I was filthy, and the need to wash off the sweat and paint on my body was great.

The warm water invigorated me, giving me just enough strength to scour the kitchen for some much-needed nourishment. My muscles were stiff. I was tired, but getting something to eat would be better, especially if my nap after would continue to a good night's sleep.

I felt restless though. The day was fruitful, but it seemed I was agitated even after my session with my canvas.

I knew the reason for this…Edward.

The thought of him, all handsome and glorious, made my heart skip a beat. He told me he loved me. I wanted so badly to believe him. To me, those were the best words he could utter after all these months. I memorized the way he said it and loved every minute of it. If it was another time, I would have easily replied with the same words. Another time, I would have engulfed myself in his arms and stayed that way until he showed me he truly meant the words he just said. Another time when I would throw all caution to the wind and allowed him back into my life. If it were that simple, I would have done that already…in a heartbeat.

The damage of his betrayal to my pride was severe, and my trust issues were greater now than ever, and it would take more than professing his love to repair it. I wasn't ready to give him the option to mend what he had broken just yet.

There was still so much pain from that single mistake he made and I couldn't get past it even with his apology. I didn't want him to hate me. In an ironic twist, I was even willing to be friends with him. When I told him that, I had meant it.

Giving him Alice's card was some kind of a compromise on my part. I wanted to be friends with him, but didn't want to be anywhere near him. Alice would know what to do with him, if he ever had the guts to contact her. I wanted him to face the people important to me that he had also hurt. If he would talk to them in order to get to me, then that would give me something to think about in the future.

"You're home," I heard James say. I turned and gave him a smile, returning my attention back to the contents of the fridge. I grabbed an apple and a Gatorade before sitting on the counter, my naked legs dangling.

"You want some?" I asked him, offering him the apple. He gave me a smile and shook his head. He then moved to perch his hips on the counter a few inches away from where I sat. He looked tired. There were dark circles under his eyes, and I became worried.

"You just got out of your workroom," he deadpanned.

"Uhum," I mumbled and took a bite of my apple. I saw him run his eyes along my legs, and I smiled.

"Hey, you perv, stop checking out my legs," I teased. "These are not for you to ogle!"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Oh darling, you know you don't do anything for me. I was just looking and wondered why you're only wearing a shirt."

I looked down at the black Metallica shirt I wore, loving the classic big skull image that graced the front. It was one of Edward's old shirts I had stolen from him when we were still together, and I couldn't keep from smiling. I wasn't sure if he knew I had it, but I wasn't the least bit guilty about it.

"Well, I'm actually getting ready to nap, but wanted to eat something first." I took a huge gulp of the Gatorade, never taking my eyes off James.

"It's three thirty, and you're going to sleep?" he asked, his lips curving into a mischievous smile.

"Yup, my flight from Washington was so early this morning, and I got hardly any sleep on the plane. When I arrived here, I just got the urge to paint. You know how I am when I'm in that mood. So yeah, I'll have a nap. You know me, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning." I winked, and he chuckled.

I finished my food, and James just stood there. I could feel his eyes on me, and I suddenly felt he was scrutinizing me.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked, his smile gone. I could see his eyes crinkle.

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine," I lied. I jumped from the counter and dusted my shirt from the imaginary crumbs.

"How is he?" I asked. "Is he awake?"

"Yes, he actually instructed me to call you. He wants to talk to you."

My heart started racing. Jacob wanted to talk, and I had a feeling I wouldn't like what he had to say. He knew me as well as Alice. Shit!

"Don't worry, Hon, I'll see to it he won't give you the tongue lashing you deserve," he said, and I linked my arm around his as we walked back to Jacob's room.

Jake was sitting plopped on the bed, his thin face broke into a smile. My heart warmed at the sight of him. He opened his arms dramatically in an invitation for a hug.

"Oh Belly Bean, I missed you." His voice was weak, but was still so cheerful. I lunged myself toward him.

"I missed you too, Jakey," I whispered as I encircled my arm around his waist and planted a wet kiss on his cheek.

"Eww, Belly. That's so disgusting! Stop sexually harassing me, or I'm gonna kick your sexy ass!" He gave me a mischievous smile while his arm tightened around me. His grip wasn't as strong as it used to be. He was clearly getting weaker, and I wanted to cry all over again.

I pulled away and checked his appearance. He looked so pale, and he was almost bone thin. His handsome face was now bloated because of the cancer medicines he was prescribed to take. His skin had a yellowish coloring, and I was afraid I had only very little time to spend with him.

He saw my eyes prickle with tears, and he reached for my hand, squeezing it tight, as tight as he could.

"Oh Jakey!" I cried.

"Don't you dare cry again, Missy," he said in a teasing voice, but the happiness didn't quite reach his eyes. I laid my head on his shoulder and sobbed.

"Damn girl, you're going to ruin my beautiful shirt!"

"Jakey, don't leave me!" I desperately wanted him to know how much I needed him in my life, but I couldn't control the sobs that rocked my body.

The events of these past couple weeks with Edward, plus the stress of Jacob's illness, were too much for me to take in. I wanted to appear as if I was taking it all in my stride. After all, who could fight fate? If Jacob was destined to die because of lung cancer, then what was I to do about that? Acceptance was all I had left, but damn if I wasn't angry about it.

"Shhh….shhh…I won't I promise!" I heard Jake say. He started rubbing my back, soothing me.

Maybe Jacob already knew his importance to me. No more words were needed.

It took a while for me to get myself in control, but once I did, I felt better about my semi breakdown. I didn't realize I was lying on the bed, my head resting on Jacob's lap, and his hand was running through my hair.

I raised my head and saw we were all alone in the room. James was nowhere to be seen. Bless him. He always knew when he needed to leave so I could spend some time alone with Jacob.

"Bella, what happened in Washington?" Jake asked. My stomach started to churn, and I gripped my thigh harder. "Your text the other night concerned me. It was somewhat incoherent, but I eventually got it. It was Edward. He was there, wasn't he?"

I sighed and nodded. I was now sitting beside Jake and trying not to look him in the eye. I didn't want to see pity reflecting in them.

"Did he do something again?" His voice was so calm, and I again laid my head on his shoulder. He had always been there for me, and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I didn't want to think about it.

I stayed quiet. All I heard was the steady breathing and the thundering of my heart.

"You can tell me, you know."

"I slept with him. He told me he loved me, Jake." My voice was so low, it was like I was scared to say the words.

"That's good then, Belly Bean."

"No, it's not."

"Why not?"

"It's just not, Jake. I don't know…I just feel that everything between us had been a lie…and I can't get over that fact."

"You're such a stubborn ass. Did you know that?" His frown was the only sign that showed he was irritated. "Did you tell him about James?"

I shook my head no, and I heard him snort.

"Belly Bean, look at me," he commanded. He looked so solemn, but so tired. I felt guilty for putting him in the predicament of always having to take care of me.

"He loved you. You shouldn't doubt that. He was so irrevocably in love with you, it showed," he said fiercely, as if he desperately wanted me to believe that. He raised his hand and caressed my cheek. "You know you're worthy of everything he's willing to give you…and that includes his love, babe."

"You keep saying that," I said, exasperated. "But if he truly meant it, then why the heck did he kiss Tanya? Wasn't I enough? I did everything to make him happy, only to be cheated on, Jake. Him saying he loves me doesn't make it alright."

"Bella, he's just human. I know it doesn't excuse him kissing that skank…but do you think you'll ever be happy without him?"

He cocked his eyebrow, challenging me to argue his statement.

"I could. I'm willing to try being happy," I admitted, knowing he wouldn't let that go. I would try to be happy, even if there was no Edward in my life.

"Then why not try with him again, hmmm?"

"I'm not sure I'm ready to get into that again, Jake."

"Why not?"

"I'm just not!" I yelled. My frustration was getting the better of me, and I couldn't stop arguing with his stubborn ass. That was why I was friends with him. He was as stubborn as I was. "God, you're still so insufferable!"

"But you love me!"

"That I do." I hugged him. His bones were sticking out and they poked me sometimes, but I didn't care. He never complained of pain when I embraced him, and so it became my guilty pleasure.

"Life is so short, Belly. Don't waste it," he whispered softly. I could feel the pain in his words, and I looked at him. He was staring straight ahead, as if looking at me was hard to do. I lost so many people in my life that I have little faith in everything. His cancer was incurable, and he had very little time on this earth. But Jacob didn't allow things like his sickness to dampen his mood about anything. He was always a positive person, and I wished I could get that from him.

"I promise I will try, Jake."

"With Edward?" He turned his gaze to me, and he looked so hopeful. I couldn't say yes, but I could at least try to appease him in some way. I didn't know why this was so important to him.

"Maybe."

I saw his lips curve into a smile, and I knew I gave the right answer. Even if it was a most unlikely possibility at this moment.


So there you go...

Did you get Bella's relationship with James? He is really more a friend than a husband. Of course, reasons will be clearer in future chapters.

See yah next update. =)