RED FORMAN GOES DINING

Red is driving the Vista Cruiser with Kitty in the passenger seat.

"If you really want to get the wife or the girl off your back, take her out to eat. So when she's stuffing her face away with a fifty dollar steak, you won't have to hear her mouth at all. And if she groans from it being delicious, make sure you order something crunchy to cover up that groaning!"

Red parks the car and gets out.

"Make sure to always be a gentleman and wear cologne." Red walks on without opening the door for Kitty.

Red goes up to the hostess.

"And always make reservations in advance so that you don't have to wait around for 15 minutes in the waiting booth while listening to her moan and complain that she's hungry!"

Red tells the hostess, and Red and Kitty follow the hostess to a table.

"Always make sure you get a table so that there will not be any cuddling involved! Get one with plenty of space and where you can make a quick exit in case of emergencies!"

Red and Kitty sit down at the table and look over the menu.

"When going to a fancy dining place, make sure you go to one where the prices are reasonable. You don't want to pay 50 dollars for that steak, but 20 dollars! Also, wait a couple of minutes for the lady to pick out what she wants, and if she picks something expensive, counter act with a cheaper 'personal favorite'."

"Would you like me to take your orders now?" The waitress asks.

"Why certainly, Kitty, you go first." Looks at camera. "Always let the lady go first, so that she can't complain that you're getting something better." Looks at waitress. "I'll the Steak Flamboyant."

The waitress goes away.

"Always talk to your lady about reasonable things until the meal arrives, and if things get too ugly, just state that you have an overactive bladder."

The waitress comes with the food.

"When eating, be a man. Screw the knives, screw the forks. Just dig in! This is your time to eat, don't let courtesy get in the damn way." Red digs into the steak.

Kitty and Red finish dinner.

"Always make room for desert, women love dessert. And if you don't have room... the bathroom's around the corner." The waitress comes over with the dessert menu. "When ordering dessert, order something not too fattish, and not to un-fattish. You don't want your lady to think that she's either too fat or too skinny!"

Red and Kitty finish dessert.

"After dessert and it's time to leave, let your lady think that you are really generous and leave a 'big' tip. It's really simple to fold a dollar bill into looking like a five."

Red and Kitty get up and leave the restaurant.

"So, that's all the dining tips I have for you tonight. Good night and good riddance."

TV AD: "McDonald's, they've got all this crappy food that is cheaper than the Salvation Army!" Red gets into the Vista Cruiser with a bag from McDonald's, and drives off.

THE END