Hey peoples! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter and thank you for all the kind reviews so far and please keep them coming! This is a new episode and I'm going to take a humorous approach to this one. This'll probably be split into two parts because the last one (if put as one chapter) would've been about 6,900 words or something like that so...I'll try to keep it shorter per chapter. I'm known as more of a...witty prankster than actually really funny so sorry if this isn't exactly perfect! I'm going to take funny bits from Xena maybe and combine many things by editing them. I'm going to end this soon as I am interested in writing another fan fiction I'm thinking of doing a musical in the near future so please let me know if you'd like that or not. If you like the idea then I'll start writing songs (which I love doing but can be time consuming!) I'd like to add that the mini-songs from Gabrielle are probably crap since I'm going through some tough family times these days and my heart isn't really in it so sorry about the songs... Also, I've really come to like Aphordite a lot so if you like her keep an eye out for a fan fiction with her in it. (Also, would you like to see her in this fan fiction?) I might bring her into this chapter and if not I'll definitely bring her into the next one so if you don't want her to appear please let me know. Please enjoy and review! Happy reading! : D p.s. Hudson Leick rocks!

Something Old, Something New: Part I:

Callisto POV:

We were on the way to a town where Xena had heard rumours of a war starting by an army attacking them.

"When do you think Joxter will catch up with us?" I asked after a long silence.

"Don't worry Callisto we'll hear him," Xena chuckled.

"Whoa! Whoa! Argh!" we heard a man roar and somebody fell from the trees.

"Joxter!" I exclaimed and ran towards the trees that he fell from.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed as I helped him up.

"Why were you up the trees?" I asked.

"I was hiding fro- um...I was planning to hijack some men that are planning to rob the next town."

Xena smirked; "Six in front, six behind, which do you want?" she whispered to me.

"Front," I whispered and drew my sword.

"Argh!" six of the men shouted running towards me, six more were running towards Xena.

I fought them hard and they were really strong. I didn't like to kill but I had to because they were far too strong. I turned around to help Xena but she had used a pressure point to the neck. "Okay scum I've just blocked off the blood to your brain, tell me who sent you after us."

"It...Was...A...A....Ares," he struggled.

"Ares," I said shaking my head.

"What's he up to?!" Xena exclaimed angrily.

"It's me..." I sighed walking away slightly.

"You?" Xena asked.

"Xena when I first began to reform I found the guilt almost too much to bear. At first I was going to kill myself when I kept looking bad in front of you; Ares appeared one night and gave me this sword and told me about the Hades fiasco. I saw my family and they told me to live on and to help many other people and help you. Hades threw many challenges at me and Ares used to help me out of all of them but then when I came to depend on him he seemed to turn. Every night when I'd feel down he'd come and try to convince me to commit suicide. The minute I would be about to I'd get a vision of my family. Then Joxter came and I've been feeling ok. Then when you and Gabrielle have been able to accept me and Hades has pulled out Hade's tests have stopped and Ares has stopped tormenting me. This could be about me..."

"This isn't his style; he'd appear personally if he was trying to get at you, this is something else."

"Any ideas Xena?"

"No but I'm guessing it's something to do with the next town; we should get there..."

"Why don't we split up? You and Gabrielle can head to the next town to the east and Joxter could go west. I could stick around in the forest to try and find out if there are soldiers about and to try and defend the towns for the time being."

"Ares has a massive ego Callisto he wouldn't keep a planned attack quiet."

"I've done a couple of jobs around the town you were heading towards a few years back. Why don't I go there and offer my services and warn them?"

"Good idea Joxter and we could stick around here in case there are more than one army at work..." I said.

"Okay, Joxter be quick and Gabrielle and Callisto you keep an eye around here."

"Okay," we all said in unison and walked away. As I was walking around I decided to scan the forest for men or any clues as to what exactly Ares was up to. As I was walking around I heard whimpering. "Hello?" I asked as I drew my sword. There was no answer so I walked on slowly. "Anyone there?" I asked as I walked on and the whimpering got louder.

"This isn't funny come out!" I shouted and the whimpering kept going and getting louder. I kept walking on and then I tripped and hit my head off a tree. "Ouch!" I exclaimed and when I looked to see what I tripped over I saw a little pony and he looked to be quite injured.

"Oh you poor little thing!" I exclaimed examining her more closely. She had a broken leg and had a wound on her stomach which was making her lose a lot of blood. I wasn't very good at helping people heal or animals so I called for Xena. When she came she looked horrified to see the horse in such terrible condition. "What happened here?" she asked.

"She was just lying here like this when I found her; are you able to help her or should I get her to a healer in the next town?" I asked. There was blood flowing down my face slowly as a result of my hitting my head off the tree. Xena wiped the blood from my face, "What happened to you?" she asked.

"I tripped over the horse and hit my head off the tree; my legs landed right on top of her so that didn't do her much good!"

"You really are perfect for Joxter! You two could fall together!" she teased.

"Whatever," I smiled picking up the pony with a struggle.

"Are you really going to be able to make it to the next town?" she asked.

"Eventually," I said and I started to head towards the next town. I put her down on the ground next to a river where I gave the pony a drink of water and cleaned up her wounds. I picked her up again and on the rest of the way was say harder because I was really itchy. My arms, legs, torso and head were itching like crazy; even when I put down the horse to scratch the itch wouldn't go away so I guessed I'd have to bare it for the rest of the way. I was being driven crazy on the way and was delighted to finally get there. I asked a few people where I might find a healer and after what felt like an eternity somebody finally told me where to go. I went there quickly and put the horse on the table and explained that I had found the pony.

When he was examining her I couldn't stop scratching myself. "Are you ok?" he asked me after a while.

"Do you know what is wrong with me? I can't stop itching and I can't find any type of a rash on me..." I said.

He took a look at my arm and then my legs and hair. "You've got fleas," he said walking away. How dare he?! I do not have fleas!

"Excuse me! How dare you say that! I do not have fleas!" I shouted.

"You do," he smiled giving me a bottle. "That'll get rid of them," he laughed and walked away. I did not have fleas! No way!

I ran away quickly before he could lie to me again and I ran into the forest to try and find Xena; she'd know what was wrong with me.

"Xena!" I called when I got there.

"Did you get the horse there?"

"Yeah she's going to be fine. Xena could you tell me what's wrong with me? I've had this terrible itching since earlier. Could you please tell me why I have it?" I asked. Xena took a close look at my skin and my hair and she started laughing. "What? What's so funny? Xena what?!" I demanded getting impatient.

"Oh this is brilliant!" she exclaimed, still laughing.

"Xena!" I demanded.

"You've got fleas!" she shouted and laughed even harder. Ugh! I. Did. Not. Have. Fleas!

"I do not!" I shouted in my defence.

"Gabrielle you're not going to believe this!" Xena laughed.

"What?" Gabrielle asked jogging over to us.

"Callisto has fleas!" Xena laughed. Gabrielle almost exploded with laughter.

"I don't have fleas!" I exclaimed and I ran off. I did not have fleas! I couldn't have fleas! Ugh the thought was revolting! I wish they had fleas!

"That can be arranged!" I heard a female say and she appeared from nowhere.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Ugh I'm insulted! How could you not know me!? I'm Aphrodite! Goddess of Love!" she exclaimed.

"Oh yeah," I said.

"I've a good mind to just leave," she said.

"What did you mean you could see to that?"

"They tease you; you give them something so you can tease them back!"

"Okay then. I want Xena to fall in love with everything she sees; every person and every inanimate object and plant she sees!" I exclaimed.

"That's good! Done! What about Gabrielle?"

"Make her think that everyone is singing when they are just speaking and have her singing herself when she thinks she's speaking!" I exclaimed laughing.

"Go you girl! Totally awesome! We should go around plaguing people!" she exclaimed.

"Well I'm trying to change so I think I'll pass."

"Okay then!"

"Thanks Aphordite!" I exclaimed just before she disappeared into thin air.

I started back to meet with Xena and Gabrielle to see have they changed like I'd asked Aphrodite. When I got back Xena was, passionately, kissing a tree and Gabrielle skipped over to me.

A/N: Writing in italics is Gabrielle singing. She also thinks that everyone is singing to her.

Callisto, what is going on here?

Xena's loves trees, rocks and deer,

Tell me why she is singing to me,

And trying to kiss me, can't you see?

"Xena what's going on?" I called over.

When she turned around she came running towards me. "Callisto you're so hot and I love you so much!" she said jumping on top of me, knocking me to the ground and she kissed me on the lips. I managed to push her off my face. "Oh my God I love that flea!" she exclaimed and started kissing my arm. I managed to push her off and get up but with a struggle.

"Look at that rock!" Xena exclaimed and started kissing it. She was never going to live this down. And I did not have fleas!

See what I mean about Xena?

She's gone strange you see that don't ya?

She's kissing rocks, fleas and ladies,

And everyone's singing to me lately!

"Gabrielle we're not singing you are! And I don't have fleas!" I exclaimed.

But they're hopping and they're not stopping,

"Listen Gabrielle we have to get to the next town to defend them. Please stop and Xena stop kissing Argo!" I demanded.

"You didn't hear me moan about you kissing Joxter Ca-flea-sto!"

"Ha ha Xena very funny!" I snapped trying not to laugh but I didn't have fleas!

I eventually had to take Xena's whip and tie it around her wrist. She kept trying to kiss the whip until I had to slap her across the face to stop her.

"Tying me up and slapping me. Naughty!" Xena smiled.

"Give it up Xena!" I laughed.

Xena what is wrong today?

You're kissing me, Callisto and hay,

Are you feeling ok what's wrong?

And why are you putting everything into song?

"One's tying me up and one's serenading me! It's my lucky day!"

"No it's not now come one!" I exclaimed dragging Xena behind me with the whip. Every time she saw anything she tried to kiss it so it took us ages to get to the town and Gabrielle wouldn't stop singing! So it was a horrific journey when you think about it.

When I got into town Joxter came running towards us. "Joxter my sexy hunky friend get over here and give me a kiss!" she exclaimed running towards him. I managed to pull her back.

"What's going on with Xena?" he asked.

She's singing, Callisto's minging they're both gone crazy,

They tell me I'm singing when I am speaking,

Xena's kissing tree's and women,

Argo and Joxter!

"Gabrielle please stop?!" Joxter and I exclaimed in unison.

"Why did she say you're minging?"

"Because she's Ca-flea-sto!" Xena exclaimed.

"I. Do. Not. Have. Fleas!" I insisted.

"You've got fleas?!" Joxter exclaimed.

"No!" I insisted and I was becoming even itchier.

"Look, the people here for some reason think I'm a bad warrior and don't want me helping them...so I told them that I got three, fine warriors that will help so could you come to the tavern so they can meet you?" he asked.

"Just after you let me have five minutes with that wall over there! It's hot!" she exclaimed.

"You've had enough action today Xena come on!" I exclaimed dragging her into the tavern.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Please let me introduce our three fine warriors! Callisto Warrior Queen! Xena Warrior Princess and Gabrielle! Uh...the Amazonian Queen!" everybody started clapping and seemed to stop when we walked in.

Xena broke away from me and started kiss the floor, chairs, tables, plates and everyone in sight. I couldn't stop scratching myself; the itching was getting really bad and Gabrielle started singing; again!

Callisto why are they staring?

"Well, you're singing and Xena's kissing everyone and everything!"

And don't forget your fleas! Everyone started looking and laughing,

"Shut up!" I exclaimed. "I do not have fleas!" I exclaimed.

"Listen Joxter; we thank you for offering your help but we must decline most strongly. These women are a joke and we're supposed to trust them to protect our town?! One's singing, one's scratching and the other is...at the moment kissing my father...no...the chair now so we don't want to be seen with this type of defence because if word goes round everybody will start attacking thinking we're weak and this is the best standard we can get."

"Listen, I'll speak with Gabrielle to stop singing and we'll treat Callisto for fleas and I'll...ask Xena to stop whatever she's doing and we'll be fine!

"Think again!" shouted a man and when I turned around I couldn't understand why Xena and Gabrielle looked so horrified or annoyed to see him.

"Draco!" Xena exclaimed running towards him and giving him a kiss.

"Whoa!" Draco exclaimed as Xena started kissing him. He pushed her away.

"My love is for Gabrielle!" he exclaimed.

I hate you, I hate you, leave me Draco-

"Stop it Gabrielle!" I exclaimed. The itching was starting to get worse. Every time I saw a thing hopping I'd knock it off. My skin was really cut up from scratching.

"Why are you constantly scratching!?" Draco exclaimed.

"It's because she's Ca-flea-sto!" Xena exclaimed.

"What?!"

"She's got fleas," Xena told him.

"I do not!" I said going over to her and dragging her from the chair. She slapped my arm.

"There's another one!" she laughed. Then she looked up at me and tried to kiss me again.

"Knock it off!" I exclaimed scurrying away from her.

Draco walked over to his army who had just come in.

"There's something wrong with the warrior princess and her beautiful partner Gabrielle. Nobody can oppose us now! We're going to take over this town! Kill everyone in it! And the warrior princess!" he shouted at them.

I turned to Xena who didn't hear and neither she nor Gabrielle would be in a condition to defend this town. I was going to have to take on the full army by myself...

Well, that's it for this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it. As before I'll continue with the next chapter so they don't get too long; please review and thank you for all the kind reviews so far! Please keep them coming! I've come up with another idea for a fan fiction and it's about Callisto so I'm going to start that once I finish it! Please let me know if you want me to tell you when I post it! I hope you enjoyed this! I'll update soon! Bye peoples!