The lost memory of Dimitri Belikov - Part 2
"Rose! It's so good to see you!" Tasha rushed at me and hugged me. Uneasy, I hugged her back. She didn't know Dimitri turned down her offer because of me. I don't think she even knew I was aware of the offer.
"I'm so glad you're alright!" She still didn't let me go, even went as far as cupping my cheek. This woman had real concern for me, I could see it in her eyes. Despite her genuine regard for me I couldn't get the image of her all over Dimitri out of my head. It felt wrong to dislike her, guilty even. But for right now that all I could do was smile politely and make small talk. I was here to take Dimitri back to his room and so he could start healing. Hopefully.
It turned out that Tasha just had to come visit Christian after the attack, while she was here she heard about Dimitri and rushed over. When I walked in she had just been telling him stories about his childhood with Ivan, in Russian. Color me green. I got even more jealous realizing she knew way more about his past than I did. She could give him so much than I couldn't.
Tasha's visit was cut short (her opinion, not mine) when the nurse came to inform us that Dimitri was free to leave. It took some convincing (god, she was sooo clingy), but Tasha finally left so I could walk Dimitri back to his room alone. As soon as the door closed behind us, Dimitri had me pinned against the wall, kissing me fervently.
"Mmm, I've been waiting all morning to do that all morning, Roza" his voice husky, whispering in my ear. He kissed my forehead before he set me down and started looking around the room.
"Ringing any bells yet, Comrade?"
With a small smile he shook his head. "Why do you call me that? Comrade?"
"It just seemed to fit at the time. And it annoyed the hell out of you, so of course I had to keep calling you that." His smile grew.
After he looked through his things for a while, went to see Alberta before lunch.
Alberta gave us his schedule and instructions on what to do and how to do it. She was of course please that he at least got his English back. We would start patrolling tomorrow so he had the day off to look around and get reacquainted with the Academy.
Dimitri was told not to overexert himself for a while, so I planned a little light training for us later that day, some running, some sparring.
When we got back to our room from lunch Dimitri sat me on the bed.
"I have to tell you something, but I don't want you to be mad".
I waited for him to continue.
"Tasha said something this morning while you went to get my clothes".
"You're freaking me out, Comrade. What's going on? What did she say?"
"She said that I called her out of the blue last week and…"
"And?"
"And accepted her offer to become her guardian. With benefits."
…
…
"Rose?" Dimitri waved his hand in from of my face. I wonder how long he's been doing that.
"She what?! That's ridiculous! You'd never do that! You'd never say that. Especially not last week. That was right before that attack!" I was fuming! Pacing the room back and forth as I went on a rant, that ended with "That BITCH!"
"Roza, please calm down" Dimitri stood there trying to calm me rubbing circle in my back.
"What exactly did she say?" I asked when I calmed down a bit.
"She said that we'd been out of touch since Christmas and that I called suddenly last week to ask her if her offer still stood. She said she asked me what about the person that had my heart to which I responded I'd rather have something real with her than something that could never happen with someone else." I didn't know what to say. I had the urge to track her down and beat the hell out of her. He continued, "She wasn't expecting me to just up and leave with her. At least I don't think so. She said she wanted to take care of me, 'now and always'" He said with air quotes.
"Dimitri, what did you say to her?"
"I told her that I'm sorry but I don't remember and I'm currently not in a position to make any life changing decisions. I knew I needed to talk to you".
"Wait, do you believe her? I mean you never said anything to me about it but I was going through some stuff, and you were worried enough as it is."
"I'm not sure if I believe her. She doesn't seem the type to lie, but I can't see myself agreeing to anything like that when I love you the way I do." He paused. "What stuff were you going through?" He asked. "Please tell me, I want to help you".
I smirked at him. "You did help", thinking about the cabin. I proceed to tell him about the ghosts and field experience and everything that happened between us. I told him about the cabin and blushed a little while going into details. It was my first and only time, I was allowed to blush a little.
"That was our first time together?" he asked in wonder.
"That was our only time together. It was right before the attack, when we left the cabin we were jumped by strigoi. You made me run and alert the guardians. You made me leave you there and run". The unshed tears were stinging my eyes.
"Oh, Roza" He held me tight.
"Wait, there's more. After the attack I thought that you had regretted being with me and were going to tell me to it was wrong and couldn't happen again blah blah blah. But you didn't. You told me you wanted to be with me and you didn't care what anyone else thought about it. You were going to request a transfer so we wouldn't both guard Lissa, but we'd be able to be together. You were going to request a transfer to court where Lissa and I will be after graduation."
I took his hand in mine "You still believe Tasha now? Because I sure as hell don't. That sneaky, conniving… Urh! She was smart too. She didn't deny your previous refusal or the reason for it, knowing you'd probably told the 'person who had your heart'. And she said you called close enough to the attack that you probably wouldn't have had a chance to request the transfer or even inform anyone about it. It's much easier backing a little lie with a lot of truth than the other way around." I got up and started pacing again. "She probably thinks since you don't remember she can just manipulate you. Well I won't let her!" I was seeing red! "Who does she think she is?! What did she think was going to happen once you got your memory back, that you'd just stay with her?! Ha! Maybe she thought she'd get pregnant by then!"
It got quiet for a while. Dimitri had this look in his eye, like there was more.
"Dimitri, what aren't you telling me?"
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "She kissed me."
I nodded, feeling numb. "Did you kiss her back?"
"No! But it didn't push her back right away, She caught me off guard. I'm sorry." He had an apologetic look. He reached out for me and I just took a step back, needing a moment to myself. "Look, I just need some time to process this. Let's go train for a while."
We changed into workout clothes in silence and headed for the gym.
We started with a few laps to warm up and headed inside to spar, keeping in mind to take it easy on him. I explained the rules, no going out of bounds, no hitting the face, how to "kill".
I took a stance and so did Dimitri, mimicking me. I was pretty much relying on his muscle memory and instincts when I attacked first.
After a few minutes I pinned him and declared him "dead". I'm pretty sure he let me have that one in order to gage what kind of a fighter I am.
The next round he pinned me, but he hesitated "killing" me. If fact he stopped fighting all together and just stared at me.
"You're so beautiful".
I was still pissed from before, flashes of Tasha kissing him. So I flipped us over, straddling his hips while pinning him under me, holding both hands over his had with my right hand while I rested my left hand over his heart. "Dead". He looked utterly shocked and in awe. That quickly changed to adoration.
He smirked. "If this is how you win, I don't know why I would ever want to defeat you."
I blushed, not used to him being so bold. I released his hands and moved to get up but he caught me by my hips and held me in place. His hands on me like this sent shockwaves through my body. I took a deep breath and made eye contact. His eye were so full of lust.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"This." He pulled me back down to him and kissed me. The kiss didn't even start off gently, it was heated from the get go. I don't know where I mustered the power to stop it, but I did. As soon as his lips left mine, they attached to my neck, trailing kissed to my collar bone.
"We can't do this here." I said, a little out of breath. "Someone might see". I felt like we had switched roles - I was always the reckless and he was always the cautious. Now the tables had turned.
"Then let's get out of here. Let's go back to our room". He called it our room. I think I just swooned.
We got back to our room in record time. I walked in the door before him. He walked in after me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, inhaling deeply and kissing my neck again. I could get used to this Dimitri. A Dimitri that didn't hold back. I turned around in his arms and asked him playfully "So, you think I'm beautiful?" Referring to what he said in the gym.
He nodded. "So beautiful it hurts". And I froze.
"What is it, Roza?"
"You've already said that to me before". I answered, barely above a whisper.
"Oh."
"Right here, in this room. It was also the first time you called me Roza. Do you remember any of it?"
"I'm sorry. No."
I nodded. Then I excused myself to go to the bathroom where I started crying. I hoped he couldn't hear me.
He didn't know who I was, he didn't remember me. How can he say he loves me without knowing me? How can he dream about me and not know a thing about me? Dream… I wonder… I pulled myself together, washed my face and headed back out.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed with a western in his hand. "Are you alright?" He asked.
"Not really."
"I'm sorry, Roza"
"For what? Not remembering? That's not your fault."
"I'm obviously not the same man you fell in love with. You deserve better than anything I can offer you".
"That is so like you! This is so frustrating! It's like you're you but you're not you."
"I'm sorry" He said again.
"Stop apologizing for something you have no control over. Please."
"I remembered English a after a good night's sleep. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up and remember more." He tried to sound hopeful.
"I hope so. I'm sorry too. I'm expecting too much and putting too much pressure on you. I just miss you so much, even though you're right here." I didn't even notice the tears running down my cheeks until he wiped them away with his thumbs.
"Sshh. It's alright, Milaya. I'll come back to you. I promise". That just made me cry more.
"How can you be so sure? What if you never remember again? I don't mean to be so negative, but what if you never get your memory back?"
He held me tight, stroking me hair. "I love you so much that there is no way that I won't come back to you." There wasn't a hint of uncertainty. "And if by any chance, as little as it may be, I don't get my memories back, I'll strive to be a man worthy of you again and pray that you'll let me make new memories with you. Okay? I'm here with you for as long as you'll have me".
I managed a "Thank you" between sobs.
When I calmed down enough, we went to the cafeteria for dinner. We sat with Lissa, Christian, Eddie and Adrian.
"Belikov, welcome back to the land of the waking!" I was surprised that Adrian was genuinely happy to see Dimitri awake. Awake. Then it dawned on me.
"Adrian, you look like you could use a cigarette. I'll come with you. Hey Eddie, you don't mind watching my charge for a few minutes, do you? Great". I didn't wait for an answer from Eddie before I got up and dragged Adrian up by the ear. "Dimitri… Stay put and do as Eddie says."
"I'm not a child", he murmured under his breath.
I could hear Sparky ask, "So how's playing Moroi working for you, Belikov?"
I could imagine Dimitri raising his eyebrow towards him.
When Adrian and I were far enough away that they couldn't hear us, I released the hold I had on Adrian's ear.
"Ow! what the hell was that for?!"
"I'm sorry Adrian but I need your help". Then I started my line of questioning. "Did you try to dream walk Dimitri while he was in the coma?"
"Yeah, but I didn't get through. It's not surprising. I can only connect to his subconscious. You know, the place where you dream. Well people in comas don't usually dream."
"You knew and you tried anyway? Why?"
"Hasn't it become clear to you yet that I'd do pretty much anything for you, little dhampir?"
I swallowed hard. As much as it pained me to admit, I really didn't have the time or the inclination to deal with Adrian's feelings for me at the moment, so I just carried on with my original agenda.
"Okay, so when Dimitri woke up, he said he dreamt about me. He dreamt he loves me. He said he knows that I'm the love of his life." I paused while Adrian took in what I said. He didn't look surprised. "How is it that he dreamt about me but you couldn't dream walk him?"
"I only tried the first few nights after he was brought to the infirmary. He could have been dreaming much later. Dreams have no sense of time, he could have been dreaming only the last day or even for only ten minutes before he woke up". That just made the tears come back. I tried to fight them but they started pouring out. Once that started I was full on sobbing.
Adrian hugged me. In earnest, there were no pick-up lines or innuendos. He just gave me what I needed - comfort.
"How come you aren't surprised or upset that I just told you he loves me?", I asked.
"Who said I'm not upset? I am however not surprised because I've know since the ski lodge that you two are completely in love with each other. It was so clear in your auras".
"Was? and now?" more tears shed as I asked a question to which the answer would be crucial.
"Are you asking if he still loves you even though he can't remember you?"
I nodded shyly.
"Yeah, he does. It's as if his soul remembers yours, even if his mind doesn't."
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "Thank you, Adrian".
"Any time." We separated from out embrace.
"When he woke up from his coma, Dimitri didn't know how to speak English, but when he woke up the next day after a good night's sleep did. He thinks that maybe tomorrow he'll wake up remembering more. Do you think you could dream walk him tonight? maybe his subconscious remembers more than his conscious mind does?"
"I can give it a try, but I don't think tonight is a good idea. Let's give it till tomorrow and see if he remembers anything new after another night. I don't want to try digging around in his head unless it's necessary."
"But it's okay to dig around in my head whenever you want?!" I said in mock anger.
He chuckled. "That's not the same thing and you know it. I dream walk you to have conversations."
"and see me in skimpy outfits" I interrupted him.
"Not poke around and try to find something that my not be there." He said without acknowledging my previous comment. "I don't want to risk damaging his mind further."
"Okay, fine. One more night. I'll update you tomorrow. Thanks you again, Adrian."
"Sure. Now let's get back before Agent Boring Borsht starts to get the wrong idea."
I smirked. "I never pegged Dimitri as the jealous type."
He laughed "You have no idea!"
After returning to the gang I inhaled my food (big surprise) and told everyone we had an early morning and needed to sleep.
Once Dimitri and I got back to our room I thought we'd go to sleep immediately. Wrong. Dimitri wanted to know about ny conversation with Adrian.
"So what was that about? with Adrian?"
"Nothing. I was asking for his help. For you."
"How's he going to help?"
I explained to him about Spirit, dream walking and what I asked Adrian to do.
"So you asked someone to dig around in my head without even discussing it with me first?"
"I'm discussing it with you now".
"But you weren't planning to!" He accused.
"I was, just not right now!" I defended and that shut him up. In a much calmer voice I tried to reason with him. He was usually the most reasonable person I knew. "We've both had a really long day. I've had a really long week. I just wanted us to get some sleep and then deal with all this stuff in the morning. Is that so wrong?"
"It's not, but you still should have told me. I don't want secrets between us. It's bad enough all my past is hidden from me, I don't want you to hide things from me as well." His eyes got really sad as he spoke.
"You're right, no more secrets. I'm sorry. Let's just go to sleep".
"So, Christian said something about guardians sleeping on the floor," Dimitri said hesitantly.
"Do you want me to sleep on the floor?"
"No, no. you take the bed. I'll sleep on the floor. I am the guardian, or so I'm told."
"Why would either of us sleep on the floor? you have a big enough bed for the both of us. Unless… Unless… you don't want to sleep with me?" raising my voice a little at the end.
"What? No! I just didn't want to assume… I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"You sure?", I asked.
"I want to share my bed with you". I blushed slightly at the double meaning of his words. "Roza, If I could I'd wake up with you in my arms every morning for the rest of my life." he reassured me.
"Good." I said. It was definitive. "let's go to bed."
I was cradled in Dimitri's arms, with my head on his chest and my arm draped around his waist. As I was falling asleep he asked "Roza?"
"Mmhh?"
"What did Adrian say about our auras?"
I should've known he'd figured I'd asked about that.
"He says according to your aura, you're in love with me. He said that your soul remembers mine".
He nodded in approval. "Good night Roza".
"Good night Comrade".
The next morning I woke up to Dimitri planting feather kisses all over my neck and shoulder.
"Roza, the alarm clock went off 15 minutes ago. Wake up, beautiful."
He kissed me some more as he noticed I was starting to wake up. "Let me sleep" I groaned.
"My alarm clock is worse than the alarms for a fire drill. I can't believe it didn't wake you up. No wonder you're always late for practice. Come on love, we have a shift soon and we only have a few minutes to get to breakfast or we'll be late!" Now he was just being mean by pulling the covers off me and getting out of bed. I wondered if the cold was more from the lack of blanket or from the lack of his body press against mine. He leaned back in and gave chaste kiss.
"Come one, sleeping beauty. You know I don't like being late!" He walked into the bathroom to start getting ready.
I sat up just to make sure I didn't fall back asleep. I don't like being late! No wonder you're never on time. I scoffed inwardly, making a face, mock-imitating his voice in my head.
Holy shit!
"Hey Comrade?! How do you know I'm always late?!" I yelled at the bathroom door.
Dimitri didn't get all of his memories back that morning, but over the next week every day he remembered a little more. We continued with the schedule Alberta gave us, patrol the wards, train and get attacked by "Strigoi". It was extremely difficult for Dimitri to play the helpless Moroi, but he trusted me to defend him and myself even if the attack wasn't real.
The day he remember the cabin we called in sick and spent the day in bed making love.
The day he remembered beating up his father he spent hours killing punching bag after punching bag in the gym. He did this till he practically passed out. Later he called his mother and told her about everything that had been happening to him.
The day he remember Ivan's death I held him while he cried. It killed me to see him so broken. Luckily it was on our day off.
We told Alberta that he was still recovering for another week just so we could spend the extra time together.
During his recovery Tasha tried to get him alone several times. He'd make excuses. After getting all his memories back he cut all contacts with her for what she tried to do to him.
After the field experience was over I moved back into my room. I missed Dimitri immensely when I was alone at nights. Sometimes he'd sneak into my dorm room. It would have to hold us over till graduation, till we all moved to court, when we could be together truly, without hiding.
