Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, but I do acknowledge using Eiichiro Oda's characters without his permission. I also admit to borrowing titles from Garbage songs, because I heart them.

Warning: AU, OOC, profanity, slash, modern-fantasy setting. Um...do not take this seriously. LOL

A/N: Sorry for such a late update…I've been working on my original fics, and RL is so annoying. Because of the volume of responses to this story, the last chapter, I can only do this : Thanks to all those that reviewed, story alerted and author alerted! You are very much appreciated, and I write this story all for you! :D

:: Queer ::

Gin sipped at his beer, absolutely lost in the activity of the bar. Some of his mates were fighting amongst each other in the center of the room; some were harassing the barmaids, some were brooding at the various tables. But around him was a general emptiness—tables untouched, no one wanting to bother with the seriously brooding character that sipped beer mug after mug. Feeling grumpy as he was over Zoro's 'message', Gin considered the pros and cons of active pursuing of one blonde cook.

It wasn't as if he had very long in port—after the repairs were finished, their ship would set sail, to search for destinations high and away from Rogue's Island. He contemplated his next course of action until he realized that he was indeed seeing a small, humanoid reindeer hiding backwards against one of the bar counter's supports. He blinked several times as the thing stared at him with determined eyes. Gin reached up and rubbed his lanky forearm over his face a couple of times, then looked down at his beer. When he looked up, the small thing was being hauled to the dirty floor by a teen with a rather absurdly phallic nose. Both of them trembled as cursing pirates stepped perilously close to their ninja-garbed bodies.

Gin looked at his beer again and sniffed, wondering if it had somehow gone bad. He then rubbed at his face again and looked over, finding the two missing. They were instead trying to flatten themselves against the bar counter with a tarp held high, incorporating some ninja-tastic camouflage tactic.

He decided he was seeing things and set his mug aside, closing his eyes and contemplating Sanji's relationship with Zoro. As he thought hard over the matter, the two teens shuffled away from the bar with the tarp held high over their heads, prompting other pirates to look over with some confused expressions. Mugs were examined and upended, and this caused a few shouting matches between them, allowing the pair to escape unseen into the fray.

Sanji didn't show much tender affection towards Zoro, so Gin decided that this was some unrequited thing. Some secret thing that only Zoro knew about, thus Sanji's blind stumble into the world of homosexuality. Because if Sanji was confident in his orientation, Gin suspected that his coolness with handling men would be dealt with the same confidence that Sanji used to cook. He nodded at this, quite sure that if Sanji were confident with being gay, Gin wouldn't be taking this long road of courtship.

He opened his eyes, wearily signaling for a drink and realizing that a kid was staring hard at him from across the table, his ninja-garb standing out against the setting, his straw hat plopped atop of his hooded head. Gin stared back at him blankly, unsure of why he was being accosted by such a determined stare. Then he glanced around, wondering if one of his mates had lost the kid during their course of drinking.

He looked back at him and found himself growing nervous by the unblinking stare. He blinked, feeling his own eyes itch as the kid continued to eye him, as if mentally dissecting Gin's inner workings. Gin frowned, his eyelids twitching as peripheral vision told him that the previous two kids were also staring hard at him from their position at his right, absurdly pressed against the walls in various poses.

The barmaid deposited another mug in front of him with a cheery word, then left to negotiate her way through the lecherous throng of boisterous men that grabbed and catcalled her. Gin sipped at his mug and wondered where he'd seen that phallic nose before. He was sure he'd seen it somewhere.

Finally the kid across from him exhaled heavily, as if he'd been holding his breath. Mug paused inches from his lips, Gin stared at him.

"I can't do it anymore, 'sop!" Luffy said on a heavy pant. "He saw me."

"Impossible! We're practically invisible!"

"Shh!" the little reindeer hissed. "He hasn't seen us yet!"

Gin rolled his eyes and drank heartily.

"Close your eyes, Luffy! They're giving you away!" came the helpful advice from the wall.

"I can see you plain as day," Gin muttered.

"Aw, damn it, these suits aren't as awesome as I thought they'd be," Luffy complained. "He says he can see us."

"But he didn't see us yet. Distract him! We'll set up spying positions over there!"

Gin watched the other two pull their tarp up and over their heads, the moving mass bumping into various tables, bar stools and irate pirates on their way to the back of the room. He lifted an eyebrow as he turned to Luffy. "I know you?"

"Noooooo…but I know you. We've been—I mean, I've been watching you," Luffy said, narrowing his eyes. "Every step you take. You're Gin, the pirate guy. I've got questions for you, mister."

"You do, now?"

"You don't know it, but we've—I've been watching you all day. And I've got questions. You're going to sit there and answer them, or else."

Amused, Gin leaned back in his chair. "Else?"

"I'm asking the questions here!" Luffy said, pounding the top of the table. "First off, I noticed you didn't hold Sanji's hand, today. Why? Did he dab too much in the bathroom?"

Gin spit what beer he'd been drinking, and choked at the inhale he'd made right after. Luffy frowned as he wiped at his face.

"Wha—?! What—!"

"Dab. Y'know? You're mad that he did. So you didn't hold his hand," Luffy said, narrowing one eye. "But Sanji always washes his hands. So it isn't like he reeked of piss, or anything. I'd trust those hands, more so than my own."

Gin sputtered again. "Who the fuck are you guys?!"

"We're ninja! Duh. Thus the black suit and awesome hiding skillz," Luffy said with a smirk. Then he frowned. "You're a little slow. Sanji doesn't deserve a slow man."

"Ugh!"

"That's one point negative for you!" Luffy shouted, then crossed his arms. "Next question. Since you're avoiding the first…you leaned over to smell him, today. Why was that? Sanji's the cleanest man I know—I know for a fact he does not smell like ass. But yet your nose got all wrinkly. Like this."

As Luffy demonstrated, Gin realized who he was. He remembered the group of teenagers that made various men fill out questionnaires the night he was to meet Sanji. He felt himself freeze on the inside, wondering if Sanji had sent them to find out what Gin was really feeling over the date. And while the situation was wacky, he did want a good impression on the man.

He swallowed hard, then composed himself. Coolness back once he realized the teen's intention, he wiped his own spit from his beer mug and sat back in his chair.

"I had to sneeze."

Luffy gave him a suspicious look. "That wasn't a sneeze suppression face. That was an I-Smell-Unwashed-Ass face. Trust me. I know that expression."

"You are…educated on an unwashed ass?"

"Hell, not to brag about it, but Sanji tells me that all the time." Luffy then gave a jerk, throwing Gin an accusing expression. "I'm the questioner here, not you! Enough!"

"So you were spying on us."

"I said—!"

"That wasn't a question, kid. It was a statement."

"Oh. Oh, okay! Yeah, we were spying on you. Making sure things ran smoothly," Luffy drew out the last word with a sort of suave tone that only served to make him look goofier.

"Look," Gin said, leaning in to lower his voice, but he didn't have to. Nobody paid attention to them, a deliberate effort on his mates' parts. Nobody wanted to be caught looking into his business, lest they incite his temper. "Sanji, he's a good man. I'd do right by him. But you, you're interfering with things that aren't your business. How would he feel about that?"

"Don't use your reverse psychology on me! I took Business 101 last year, and I know you're trying to pull that analogous tactic on me just to make me seem like some idiot."

Gin chuckled. "You're right. Go on."

"Also, in defense over Sanji's apparent funky stench, I just want to say that Zoro helped him dress this morning, and that shirt he pulled out from the couch was something that had been underneath the couch cushions, and was holding onto my booger collection for an undetermined amount of time."

Gin stared at Luffy, and decided not to absorb the words. Instead, as Luffy shrugged his shoulders and twitched, he just let the words flow over him. But he couldn't ignore that part about Zoro dressing Sanji.

"Zoro…the roommate…dresses him?" he repeated dully.

"Oh, Sanji can dress himself, but this time, he needed help. So that's probably why he stank. Y'know? Cuz Zoro…that Zoro, he's a special kid. He doesn't get things like laundry and clean clothes. Matching clothes together, too, he doesn't get that."

"Uh…s-sure, kid." Gin signaled for another beer, and realized that the reindeer was at his feet. When he looked over the lip of the table, he posed to hide against the main support backwards. Gin sat up straight in his chair and nervously drummed his fingertips atop of the scarred wood. He was trying hard to keep himself composed, to not lash out in some instinctive defense against these crowding kids. He kept telling himself that Sanji would be pissed if his roommates were slaughtered at his hands.

Luffy cocked his head. "A lot of these guys respect you, don't they? Looking around, they're giving you this wide berth. Are you some sort of captain?"

Gin lifted a brow. "Maybe I just want to be left alone."

"It's not that they're giving you space cuz you wanna drink by yourself, I think it's cuz they're afraid of you. They avoid looking over here, and they try not to talk about you. I heard one of them over there saying that they wanted to go someplace else, but his friend next to him said that they couldn't because you weren't done yet. And then the guy was like, Well, I wanna go, and his friend said, You can't because Gin's not done, and the guy was like, When will he be done, and his friend said---"

"Oh yeah? Who would say that about me?" Gin asked, receiving his newest drink and feeling his eyes lower into a scowl.

Luffy pointed out the two men he was talking about and Gin looked. Once the men realized he was looking in their direction, they froze; Gin frowned at them, and they lowered their heads, nervously clutching their mugs. Luffy looked at him, observed this interaction and cocked his head again.

He then nodded. "Yup. That settles it. You're Sanji's Attacker."

"…What."

"Isn't that code? That Defenders have to be with Attackers?"

Gin stared at him, unable to figure out what it was Luffy was saying. Impatiently, Luffy said, "Well, I guess that issue's some sorta secret between you. Whatever. I only want to make sure that you pass the test, because Sanji's needs are…delicate."

Sanji didn't seem like a 'delicate' sort to Gin, and Gin glanced around himself to see that several of his crewmates were watching them interact. When they realized how stumped he looked, they shifted uncomfortably.

Gin exhaled heavily. "Kid, you don't make a lick of sense."

"That's what Sanji said to me one time. I think it was after he caught me looking at pictures with dogs humping each other and I couldn't figure out why they were stuck together and I told him that, and---"

"I get that you're just…looking out for your friend. Okay, fine, fair 'nough."

"Do you like to smell?" Luffy then asked, stretching his head forward with an interested expression. "Maybe you didn't like Sanji's cologne."

"It's fine."

"Does that matter? That a guy smells good? What constitutes a man smelling good? Maybe I'd pick smelling like food, because, you can't go wrong with that. Or maybe you're into flowers. You look like you're into flowers…"

A clearing of the throat caught their attention, and they looked over at one of the pirates nervously shuffling his feet. "S-sorry, Gin, sir. Uh…c'mon over here, kids! We've got ice cream!"

"YAY!" Luffy cried, abandoning his seat, Ussop somehow falling from the ceiling to hit their table with a dull noise. As he rolled off and away, chasing after Luffy, the reindeer followed with a protest.

Gin leaned back in his chair and gave a huge exhale, trying to relax his hands, feeling entirely too anxious to relax after hearing such information over Sanji and Zoro. He would just have to question the man himself.

Later, Sanji examined his appearance in the mirror, and ran a hand through his hair. Frowning at himself, he stood back and surveyed the destroyed jeans, the collar shirt. His shoes were made of the finest leather, with hardly any scuffs on them. Yet he still looked like a man that knew what he was doing when he pulled on a pair of clothes, and this style was sure to discourage Gin. Gin seemed casual and laid-back, comfortable in worn clothes, and Sanji, standing next to him, seemed more of a snob. Sanji didn't want to seem that way, but at the same time he wanted to look put together.

He gnashed his teeth together, finding it frustrating that it seemed harder to please a man with his physical presentation than it did with a woman. Women liked finely dressed men—apparently not his finest, he'd learned—but what did men want to see in other men? After he'd gaped at all the couples that displayed their affections onto each other, he'd taken note of their outfits. It didn't seem to matter what they wore, but he did notice a little feminine dressing here and there. Men wearing girls' shirts, pants; he wrinkled his nose, trying to picture himself wearing something extremely low cut, cut short. He had to wave that image away, hairy legs given an examining sweep of his hand, his chest a comforting pat.

What made a man look at another man twice? Gin had looked at him, numerous times, and he seemed to appreciate Sanji's physical presentation—but what could Sanji do to keep that attention?

Then he wasn't sure if he was comfortable with having it. He surveyed his closet, lost in thought, and realized that the attention Gin gave him was valuable.

"ZORO!" he hollered, looking for his cigarettes.

"Don't call me like I'm a servant!" Zoro's cranky bellow returned from the living room. "I could be doing something important."

Sanji, feeling hassled, pulled at his shirt and walked out from their room, heading over to the front room. Zoro was busy playing Halo, and didn't even look up as Sanji gestured at his clothes.

"So, I was thinking," Sanji began, walking in front of the television set to indicate his clothes. Zoro tried looking around him, so Sanji moved in that direction, blocking all viewing access so that Zoro would have to look at him. Being thin and tall, he really wasn't that much blockage, but knowing he was going to hear more ridiculous laments only made Zoro react.

"For fuck's sake," Zoro muttered. "Get out of the way, I can't see what John 117's doing! You're making me lose!"

"Zoro, there is no cure for the case of loser you've got," Sanji said impatiently. "So it doesn't matter if you apply it elsewhere."

"Sanji, don't speak to me of your personal problems. I've got problems of my own. Like trying to snipe this Brute—! BOOM! Headshot! Roar, bitches!"

Sanji kicked the controller out of Zoro's hand. Zoro gave him a disgusted look, then looked at his outfit. "That's my shirt. You're not manly enough to wear my shirt."

"If you, say, for example, were a gay man…" Sanji trailed off, finding Zoro's goggles distracting. He then straightened and examined Zoro's outfit. Neon orange, camo and what looked to be jodhpurs with stripes. "For fuck's sake, what the hell are you wearing?"

"I swear, Sanji, girlfriend, if you'd just ignore the tangents that spill from your mouth," Zoro said sarcastically, rising from the couch.

"If you were a gay man, and I'm not saying that you are, since you're apparently lacking in interest for either sex, but pretend that you are. Don't sprain a brain cell trying to get into the role," Sanji then added, noting Zoro's expression of annoyance, "because I need you intact."

"'I need you intact'," Zoro mimicked in irritation. "I'm not pretending to be gay for you!"

"I'm not saying you literally have to be gay! I just want…you…to think it."

"Why are you bothering me with this? Why do I have to answer your idiot questions?"

"Because, Zoro, dear, you give a shit. Now—!"

"I have to take one," Zoro admitted, scratching his head. "Actually."

"Where are the kids?" Sanji then asked, looking around with a bewildered noise. "Ape face, did you see 'em last?"

Zoro blinked, then shrugged. "Eh. Maybe they're at Chopper's. Anyway, whatever, I need to take the Browns to the Superbowl."

"God, you can be utterly disgusting," Sanji complained, whirling away from him dramatically. Then whirled again, kicking out to pin Zoro against the wall. Zoro flopped against it, before grabbing Sanji's ankle with both hands and twisting. He entirely hated that Sanji used the movement to twirl, kick out with his other foot and knock Zoro to the floor, forcing him to release his ankle.

"I forgot to ask, does this outfit make me look a little, I dunno, genteel? Or casual?" Sanji then asked, gesturing at his clothes. "Because it feels a little forced."

"Your face is forced," Zoro grumbled, rising from the floor. He then did a double take at Sanji's shoes. "Jesus Christ, you're like an old man in a casino with those things. You make fun of me for my attire? Look at this crap!"

"You know what, I also need to ask you something. I promise I won't get offended too much," Sanji said, using his heel to drop Zoro back down onto the floor.

"Why the fuck are you kicking me, and bothering me with your fucking bullshit!?" Zoro protested, swatting at him.

"You were spying on me, today," Sanji snapped.

"Oh, ho, ho, I don't spy on anybody," Zoro denied, rising quickly and pointing at him accusingly. "How dare you. You'd better back that little accusation up, poppn' and lockin'."

Sanji gave him his most disgusted expression. "What?"

Distracted by his arm muscles, Zoro examined his flexed bicep. Sanji was secretly annoyed that he lacked the beef that Zoro had, and as he examined his friend, he noted that while Zoro was built solidly, Zoro's overall presentation with his clothing choices ruined any chance Zoro might have at earning an appreciative look. He reached out, hands twitching in his sudden want to rip Zoro's bad choices from him and re-dress him into something a little more coordinating. Zoro swatted at his hands.

"Never mind. The point is, I have all this valuable time, and I'd rather spend it doing something productive. Unfortunately, you don't factor into that slot."

"I want to believe you, I really do. But unfortunately, I can't. You tag along with those kids like some chaperone—"

"I can't believe you went there! Calling me a chaperone!"

"—and getting involved with their b.s. because you can't resist being part of that b.s.!" Sanji finished, patting his pockets for his cigs. He kicked out at Zoro in frustration, the man moving fast to avoid his heel. "You stole my cigs! Bastard!"

"Sanji, go fix your hair. Or whatever it is you gay men do to occupy yourself. And your shit's on your bed, where you threw them."

"I'm not a gay man. I'm not!" Sanji protested at the eye roll, Zoro pushing past him to walk to the bathroom. "I mean, it was women, all the time, it was all them and pussy and tits and stomach and Victoria's Secret! Then I was made to realize that, perhaps, maybe, some—weird, universally interesting and unexpected—beginnings—!"

"Shut up before your hurt yourself!" Zoro complained, slamming the bathroom door shut when Sanji tried to follow, still talking.

"It wasn't that I woke up and decided that I could actually get—like, same sex attention!" Sanji made a face, because this was actually true, but he didn't want to correct himself to Zoro. "I mean, like, I had to think about it."

"Man, I can't concentrate with you yapping over there."

Against the door, Sanji hollered, "You're just jealous I'm actually getting attention for once! You want me for yourself!"

"HAH! Oh, hey, there we go…"

Sanji barked out some form of a chuckle, appalled by his own words, and strolled back into their room, looking at his outfit again. He then gave a wounded sound, feeling annoyed that he hadn't gotten what he'd asked Zoro for. Or maybe he did and that Sanji just didn't hear, because talking or arguing with Zoro was this odd, consuming process that happened to run chaotically. Sanji started to realize that they talked in circles, and he had to wonder if it were he that started the circle, and Zoro just completed it.

"Romantical," he commented, pulling off the shirt and reaching for another one.

"So…what'd you, like, what was your impression of things?" Sanji asked him later, sitting on the couch and watching him play. The super Spartan on screen, labeled Mantastic1101 was busy trying to throw down on a couple of Hunters. Sanji finished off his beer, inhaled sharply on his cig and examined the action on the television set. He'd changed into a button-up shirt and an expensive pair of designer jeans that were artfully destructed. "Like…did I, like look gay out there?"

Zoro laughed, and Sanji huffed. Because it was such a ridiculous question, Zoro used an elbow to shove him. "What kinda question is that? How do you expect to be taken seriously when you ask me shit like that?"

"You just—! Answer it."

"Seriously, Sanji—honestly, peg-body, look. Listen to me. Listen to my words—Fucking ass bitch! Get back over here and—! Realize this, that, even before this entire psycho-carnival started? You were pretty gay from the beginning."

"I was not!"

"I mean, who, what sort of man spends, like, HOURS on their clothes and says things, like, 'Damn, my hair's flat, but I like the smell of this gel? Zoro, smell my hair'."

"I've never said that—!"

"I remember that day vividly. You wanna know why? Because that was the day I realized I was fucked. That was the day I realized and said to myself, Zoro, dude, this guy's queer."

"You…are just pissed…because this is new for you too," Sanji said calmly, flicking his hair from his face. "You can throw the queer label around because you are threatened."

"Usually when I'm threatened by something? I cut it," Zoro said, propping his feet up on the coffee table. "Haven't you noticed my efforts by now?"

"Fuck off…of course you'd be threatened by me, because it makes sense. I'm…a lot more man than you."

"Dwah that is such—sanji, you're stupid. Ace made you even stupider. This GAY thing made you suddenly stupid," Zoro then threw up his arms, saying quickly, "not that I'm saying the, like, entire homo population is stupid, because---it's just that you're more stupid since you decided that I give a fuck!"

"I can admit to myself that my needs are far beyond the basics. I can admit that I will work a little harder, that I can—!"

"I'm LOSING because of you!" Zoro snarled. He played for a few minutes and Sanji let him, combing through his chin scruff.

Then he said, "Do you think that…I'd make it…gay? I mean, considering what I'm doing…I think that if I work at it---"

"I had an ephipany tonight," Zoro interrupted him impatiently. Mantastic1101 gave a startled scream as he fell to the ground. "You know what it was? That maybe all my grog ruined me. Because I don't know why I'm still sitting here, listening to this b.s. like I give a damn!"

"And you do, algae head, because if you didn't sit here and take it, I'd…probably go back to school Monday and spread rumors about you."

"That is so lame. That just…Sanji, you passed the test. You are officially gay."

Sanji kicked him, then kicked the controller out of his hands once more. "I was joking."

"Could never tell with you."

"Y'know what? Fine. FINE. Zoro…as of today, I will no longer ask you for help. There. That better?"

"Totally. Now, get in that kitchen and make me something. I'm starving."

"I will succeed without you!" Sanji huffed, rising from the couch. "Then, after I finally fulfill the matter, totally succeed with what I'm looking for, I'm working on you."

"HAH!" Zoro barked, then snorted as he sat back on the couch. "Curlique, you are one wacked blond. I seriously think you've gone off the deep end. Don't be blaming me for your failures. I'll be right here, watching it all happen, and y'know what?"

"What?" Sanji snapped, reaching into the fridge for some leftovers.

Zoro looked up at the ceiling and exhaled shortly. He then shrugged. "I forgot. Make me stuff."

Muttering under his breath, determined to show Zoro a thing or two about his success, Sanji resolved then and there that this secret mission would be completed without Zoro's help. It was a little disappointing, he'd admit to himself, that Zoro refused to be helpful, and he had to wonder why it did.