Warning: Malon fans or fans of the Malon/Link pairing may want to draw and quarter me after reading this chapter. At least I don't kill her, and she will be back in future chapters. If you flame me for this, then you're as pathetic as Link on prom night.
Chapter Eleven: Dementia, Thy Name is Malon
Princess Zelda and Link walked silently down the dirt path which lead from Hyrule Castle to Lon Lon Ranch. Ironically, it was the only goddam ranch in a kingdom which mostly relied on four-legged transportation. Then again, it never really bothered anyone that this business was run by two Mushroom Kingdom rejects who looked an awfully lot like drugged-out versions of Mario and Luigi. Talk about unoriginality! Anyway, the two awkwardly continued down the road, unsure of what to say to each other.
Link kept his arms behind his back while Zelda stared at the dirt beneath her lovely feet. The walk was only about a mile, but it felt like twenty at the pace they were going.
"So Zelda," Link cautiously began. "What kind of horsey do you want?"
"A dunno. A pretty one." she shrugged, not really thinking much of it.
"I'm sure they have lots of pretty horses."
"I hope so."
The small talk wasn't going anywhere. Link felt stupider than usual. ...What the hell should I say to her? 'Hey Zelda, after I get you this horse, can I have a kiss?' I think I'd be rewarded with a knee to the nuts! But hey, that would be better than nothing, right? Link...you've become a masochist in the name of love...
Then, to Link's delight, Zelda spoke, "Is Malon gonna be there?"
It was extremely obvious that she was jealous. Er, wait a second. Anything "extremely obvious" isn't exactly that obvious to our Hylian hero. It's almost like making him read Greek after having his eyes plucked out by ravenous vultures. He can barely understand what's easy, so never mind something more complex...like long division. Heh, but he didn't let this go over his head.
"Oh, I'm not sure, Zelda. Why do you ask?" Link snickered. He knew the ranch-girl had a gargantuan (there's a word you don't use every day) crush on him. She was the Vice President of the Official Hero of Time Fan Club and had a penchant for naming every single one of her horses--didn't matter if they were male or female--Link.
"I was just wondering, that's all."
"Ah, okay." he smirked. ...You want me, Zelda. You can barely contain your jealousy. Oh...maybe she'll get into a catfight with Malon. Meow! They'd yank at each other's hair, and in the process, tear each other's dresses off. Then they'd start making out...and I'd join right in--...
"Link!" Zelda suddenly cried, stopping in her tracks.
"Yes, Zelda?"
"I just thought of something!"
"That's a first..." he muttered under his breath. "What is it?"
"Where's Epona?"
"Shit! I left her on Death Mountain before dueling with Ganon! I can't believe I forgot about her!"
"You'd forget your own dick if you had to glue it on each morning..." Zelda growled between clenched teeth. "You idiot!"
"Wait, watch this." He pulled out the magical ocarina and played a little tune on it.
"What's that supposed to do?" she asked, unimpressed. At her inquiry, Link smiled. Zelda turned around and found herself face-to-face with Epona. "Ack! Don't sneak up on me like that!"
Link laughed. He walked over to his horse and began petting her. "Now listen, Epona. Go home to Hyrule Castle. I'll be back later to give you some tasty oats. Mmm!" He smacked his lips. "Sounds yummy, right?"
"You expect her to answer you, hero?"
"Why not?" Link pressed his nose against Epona's and whispered to his equine friend, "I bet if you could talk you wouldn't be a constant nag, like my Hylian princess over there. Isn't that right, girl?"
"Quit making out with your horse and let's go already!"
"See now wasn't that stupid, Epona?"
She neighed.
"LINK!!!" Zelda shrieked.
"Hehe, go back home! See you later, Epona!" Link slapped the horse's side and she galloped away...in the wrong direction.
"She's going towards Lake Hylia!" the princess exclaimed, grabbing Link's arm.
"Don't worry. I never said she was a bright horse..." He looked down at the grip Zelda had around him and smiled. "Zelda, if you want to get rough with me, let's go find a hotel room somewhere-"
"You wish, dumbass!" She let go.
"Well excuse me, Princess!"
And then there was silence. Link started walking down the road again. Zelda scooted over next to him.
"Time to see what the winning lotto numbers are!" The Hero of Time scooped out the latest edition of the Hyrule Times from his satchel and opened up the newspaper as he strolled. Zelda made a face.
"You're reading the paper now?"
"And why not? I didn't have time to read it this morning." he said. "It's not like you and I are having a stimulating conversation anyway."
"Hmpf." Zelda stuck her nose into the air.
"Oh my God!!!" he abruptly cried, eyes bugging out. "Princess Ruto killed herself?!"
The princess felt a rush of adrenaline go through her as she grew nervous. "W-Wow, really?" She did her best to lie. "What happened?"
"This is insane! Here, I'll read you the article: The Zora princess was found with her head stuffed into a toilet bowl. The apparent cause of death was suicide. At a party immediately following her funeral, eight Zoras were arrested for lewd conduct. More on page six."
"How tragic."
"Er, she's a fish. How did she die underwater? It couldn't have been because of drowning."
"I don't know, Link. She was severely messed up."
"But how the hell can a fish die by sticking her head into a toilet bowl?!"
"Maybe she tried flushing herself and the suction tore her face off or something like that."
"Ew." He cringed at the thought. You know what's frightening, dear readers? I've actually had people questioning me about how a fish dies in the toilet. To be honest, I have no freaking clue. I just thought it would be funny, so laugh! Laugh, fools!!!! I don't hear you laughing!! "I'm going to read the rest of the article to see if it answers anything."
"You go ahead and do that."
"Dum de dum...it mentions a suicide note...she wasn't loved back...and she got served. Ouch, one rarely recovers from that. Jesus Christ! Zelda, she killed herself the night we were at Zora's Domain! You don't think that it had anything to do with you kicking her ass, do you?"
"And so what if it did?" she calmly asked. "She annoyed the crap out of you anyway."
"........Yeah. You're right. Fuck her!" He tossed the newspaper onto the ground and shrugged. "I've got my princess safe and sound, right here!"
"That you do." Zelda breathed a sigh of relief. Luckily Link had no desire to ask if she had known about Ruto's death prior to him finding out. "She's fishsticks now."
The hero giggled. Without warning, he reached out and grabbed Zelda around the waist. She stumbled a bit, but caught her footing.
"Link!"
"Hehe, you're gonna get a horsey today. Aren't you happy?"
"I'm so delighted I can fart."
The two didn't realize they were only ten feet away from the ranch's main entrance. Inside, Malon the ranch-girl had finished combing her pony's mane. She was just about to carve Link's name into her torso with an ice pick when she thought she heard his heavenly voice.
"Be still, my beating heart!" she murmured to herself. "Is it really him? Is it really my sweet, beautiful husky Hylian hunk?!"
Malon anxiously darted to the nearest window and peeked outside. There she saw Link with a blonde haired woman in his arms. Although she couldn't tell her identity, as the woman had her back towards the window, Malon had a feeling it was Zelda.
"Goddam that crusty bitch! Why'd she have to come along and ruin the fun? Time for me to kill her and chop her body up to feed to my horses! And as for Link...I'll just have to lick my breakfast off his six-pack chiseled stomach. Here I come!!"
Outside, the two had no idea what was going on.
"C'mon, let's get your horse and go home." Link said to Zelda.
"Good idea-"
"Link?! Is that you?!" a familiar voice shouted from out of nowhere.
At the sound, Zelda pushed Link away and folded her arms. ...Malon. It's time for my foot and her ass to meet...
Out from the corral ran a young redheaded Hylian. She approached Link like an oncoming train. He braced himself.
"Oh, Link! Link! Link!" Malon dove into his arms and snuggled her face on his chest. "I've missed you so much!"
"Hey, Malon." He faked a smile as he greeted her.
Zelda angrily stared at the ranch-girl. ...How dare she do that in front of me! She's resting her head where I rest my head! That witch!...
Link knew it was eating Zelda up inside, so he began to flirt with Malon.
"It's nice seeing you again too." He pointed his finger in Zelda's direction. "Now, I'm here with my...friend that needs a horse." Malon picked her head up and saw the scowling princess' eyes burning a hole into her.
"Hi, Zelda." she growled.
"Hi." Zelda returned the gesture. Link gleefully noticed. He pushed Malon aside and went to take Zelda into his arms when she motioned for him not to. The ranch-girl, upon viewing Zelda's reaction, gladly wrapped her arms around Link's waist and rested her head on his back.
...Woah! That bitch better chill before I rip her head off and shove it up her ass! She's getting too touchy-feely with him. He's my bitch, not hers!... the Hylian princess thought. She didn't even notice that she was grinding her teeth, but Link sure did!
...Yeah, she wants me. Look at her...like some enraged tigress. Oh yeah, I'm her daddy...
"Wow, Link! You're so muscular!" Malon exclaimed as she squeezed the biceps on his left arm. "Must've been from collecting all those keys!"
"Well yeah, the body comes with the 'hero' package." he grinned. Zelda stared at him with a blank look on her face. He knew he deserved to be slapped silly.
"Zelda, you've got to feel this!" the ranch-girl cheered, still squeezing Link's arm. Now Link wasn't like a goddam steroided-out (I just made up a new term!) American Gladiator or anything like that. As a matter of fact, he was average, but he was nicely built for his frame. You can't save the world with a flabby stomach, now can you? Zelda often took mental notes of this, like, "Oh, look at that chest through that tight tunic..." or if he wasn't wearing a tunic and just a regular shirt, "Oh...look at that tight butt!!"
But anyway, Zelda was getting ticked at Malon's roaming hands. Link decided he had let her hands wander around long enough. He didn't want them going where only Zelda's hands were allowed. Just as she was going to make a beeline for his ass, Link moved away and stood next to Zelda.
"I need a horse." the princess dryly said.
"We don't have any." Malon lied rather stupidly.
The Hylian duo raised their eyebrows at the same time. "You don't have horses?" questioned Link, surprised.
"What do you mean?" Zelda snapped. "This is a ranch. You gotta have a damn horse moseying around here somewhere!"
The ranch-girl looked towards the sky and began to balance on her heels. "I have an old dying nag." she simply answered.
"Liar! I saw ten horses in the corral before!"
"Umm...they're sickly."
"Malon, where are Talon and Ingo?" Link butted in. He found it odd that the owners of Lon Lon Ranch were nowhere to be found. Fast forward to a scene inside another house on the ranch: Talon and Ingo were bound and gagged together, unable to move or scream for help. Back to the trio outside.
"They're...out."
"Out?"
"Yes, out!!" Malon yelled. "...Do you want to have tea with me, Link?"
Zelda was losing her patience. "We don't have time for that-"
"I wasn't asking you. I asked Link."
"Thanks, but no thanks, Malon." he replied.
"If you don't have tea with me I won't give you a horsey!!"
"Are you threatening us?" the princess sneered.
"No, because if I were to threaten you, I'd say 'Zelda, hand over Link before I rip your still beating heart out of your chest with my ten inch Ginzu knife here.'" Malon produced a huge blade out from behind her back and flashed it calmly. Zelda grabbed Link and yanked him close.
"Don't let this bitch near me. She's a fucking loony tune!" she hissed, practically sticking her head into his armpit.
"Malon...you don't mean that." Link addressed the demented ranch-girl.
"Tee-hee!" She hid the knife somewhere in her skirt and it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. "Then have tea with me."
"Yes, ma'am."
The demented redhead led the two into the ranch house, where three chairs and a table were set up. Reluctantly, Link and Zelda sat down, too afraid to say anything. In one quick motion, Malon kicked the vacant chair onto its side and giggled.
"Looks like there are only two seats. I'll have to sit on Link's lap!"
"Sweet Jesus!" the hero yelped as he saw her ass backing up closer to him. "Malon, there's a chair right there!"
"I said there's no fucking chair!" Malon's shriek caused Zelda to jump in her seat. The ranch-girl plopped down on the Hero of Time and snaked her arms around him. "This is much more comfy than that crappy old chair." she quipped, staring at the princess. All Zelda could do was stare back angrily.
"Er, you said you wanted to have tea with us." Link explained. His hands gripped the sides of his seat.
"Tea can wait. Let's sit here and snuggle, okay?"
"I'd like to just get Zelda a horse-"
"I said let's sit here and snuggle, okay?" Then she added with a laugh, "You don't want me to take out my knife again, do you?"
"Malon, when did you become such a freak?"
"Ever since I first laid eyes on you, my love."
"Ah-hem!" Zelda loudly cleared her throat. ...I'm gonna kill her!! I'm gonna grab her knife and play a real life game of 'Operation' with it, using her as my corpse!! Oh my, I'm quite the jealous one, aren't I? She's only hitting on Link...the object of my affection. Did I just admit that?! I'm almost as crazy as she is!...
Link was also pondering to himself while Malon ogled him with insane eyes. ...Why do I have every single freaking woman in Hyrule after me except for Zelda?! Is this my curse?! Why couldn't this be Zelda sitting on my lap? Hmm, maybe if I put a bag over Malon's head and stick her in one of Zelda's dresses, it won't really matter if I'm banging the real Zelda or not! Great Din, is this how pathetic I've become? It's either Zelda or nothing, and I'm pretty used to getting nothing...
"Ack!" he hollered, hastily getting to his feet. Malon went flying onto the floor. "I've got a leg cramp!" It was a lie, but a lie that got the ranch-girl the hell off of him.
"Must've been caused by the weight of her fat ass..." Zelda muttered. She grinned at her psychotic rival, who was now gazing up at Link.
"Oh, Link! Do you want me to go down on you?" Malon offered. "I'm already on my knees!"
"Yeah, like that's really gonna help! Why don't you offer him something useful, like a heating pad, you twit?" The princess went to Link's aid. He continued to act like he was in pain so Zelda would allow him to rest up against her.
"Fine, I'll go get him a heating pad, but I think a blow job would-"
"Just get the goddam pad!"
Malon sneered at Zelda's command, but had no choice. She vanished off into another part of the house. Instantly Link went back to normal.
"You know I faked that, right?"
"I could tell."
"How?"
"Evenyou're not that much of a pussy."
"Yes I am! Remember when the bunnies bit me?"
"Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that. Then I guess you really are a limp dick."
"That's right--hey! No I'm not!"
"Ssh!" Zelda snapped. "She's probably spying on us or something. We have to get out of here!"
"Good idea." He took her hand. "I'm gonna get the first horse I see so we can leave!"
"Oh no you don't!!!" Malon screamed from the doorway. She flung the heating pad she was holding onto the wooded floor and roared at the two, "We haven't even had tea yet!"
"Fuck tea!" Link shouted. "We're getting the hell out of here!"
"Over my dead rotting body you are!" Like a lion attacking its prey, she leapt into the air and flew halfway across the room (again, don't ask), only to land on the hero's back. They fell down hard. Zelda backed away and looked at Link, who was helplessly pinned under Malon. He was on his stomach, writhing around like a bug under someone's foot. The ranch-girl happily sat on his back and brandished her butcher knife by waving it around in the air.
"Zelda, go!" Link yelped. "Save yourself! Come back with help! I may not be alive by then, but at least take my remains so she won't do anything perverted to them!"
"You're not going anywhere, Link! You're mine forever!" Malon continued to keep him down. "You'll never leave!"
"Link, I'm not going to leave you!" Zelda tried to get closer to the pair on the floor, but the ranch-girl swiped at her with the knife. "Ack! Goddam crazy bitch!" ...She makes Ruto look like Little Red Riding Hood!...
"Just go! I'll take care of myself!"
"But-"
"Dammit, go!!"
The princess hesitantly began to exit the room, but turned back one last time. "Link, I'm going to go search for help! I'll be back as quickly as I can!"
"Sounds like a plan!"
Zelda darted out of the house and began to look around the ranch. There had to be other people there! Where in Nayru were Talon and Ingo? Where in Farore's name were all the horses? Where in the world was Carmen Sandiego?
Malon was relentless in her struggle to keep Link stuck on his stomach.
...The one day I decide to go outside unarmed is the day this shit happens! Where's my sword when I need it? That's right, it's sitting on my bed next to my shield. It's real useful there! How am I gonna get this bitch off? She's got a ten inch knife in her hand, for Christ's sake!...
He continued to wriggle around under her. Malon didn't weigh that much, so he managed to make some progress.
"What are you trying to do, my hero?" she innocently questioned.
"What does it look like?!"
"You don't look comfortable."
"No shit!"
"May I give you a back-rub?"
"Not with that knife!"
"Hehe, no you silly goose! I'll use my hands...which are just aching to touch you, Link. You make me do crazy things..."
Meanwhile, Zelda had wandered into another part of the ranch.
"Hello?" she called out. "Anyone else here? Anyone sane?"
At her cry, she heard what sounded like muffled voices coming from the building next to her.
"What the...?"
Curious, she attempted to enter the structure and found the door open.
"Hello?"
She was answered with more muffled sounds.
"Keep trying to talk so I can follow your voice!"
After tripping over several Cucco birds, she found two men tied together on the floor with gags in their mouths. They began (or at least attempted) to speak when they saw her.
"Oh my God! Let me help you!" She immediately untied the ropes and removed the gags. "You're Talon and Ingo, right?"
"That's us!" the fatter dude replied as he and his buddy got to their feet. "Hey, you're Princess Zelda! Can I have an autograph?"
"No time for that now! That psycho Malon has Link trapped!"
"Yeah, she's the one who did this to us!" Ingo explained. "The insane bitch whacked us both over the head with a frying pan, and the next thing we knew, we woke up like this!"
"Ouch. Well, Link needs our help!"
Back in the ranch house, Link was pleading with Malon for his life.
"Malon, if you let me go, I won't tell anyone about this incident, okay?"
"Can't do that!"
"Goddamit..." he mumbled. "Then what will it take for you to remove yourself?"
"I want you to be mine forever!!"
"That's asking a bit much."
"Okay, then just father my children."
...I've got to get the fuck out of here! Where's Zelda? Did she really ditch me? Heh, that would show her true intentions. Na, I believe she'll come back for me. If she truly cares about me--or dare I think it--loves me, she'll be back. But I must try to help myself... He squirmed his head to the side and noticed that his right arm was still pinned under her, but his left was now loose. ...If I can only free that arm. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm left-handed anyway. I don't need my right arm!...
In a vain effort to free himself he began to gnaw on his right shoulder, just like a coyote would do when one of its limbs were trapped and beyond repair.
"What are you doing, Link?"
"I'm trying to free myself!"
"Don't you dare!" Malon held the knife high above her head and was about to stab it into Link's neck when Ingo, Talon, and Zelda barged back in. "Shit! How'd you two get out?!"
"Get off of him, Malon! Time to go back into solitary confinement where you belong!" the Super Mario look-alike Talon barked.
"Yeah, what he said." Ingo did his best to appear heroic.
"Zelda!!" Link broke out into a huge smile. "You came back for me!"
"Of course I did! You still gotta get me a horse!"
"My sweet, sweet Zelda."
Before Malon could do something retarded and harm Link, Talon and Ingo clothes-lined the bitch. The knife skidded across the room. Link, now liberated from his insane host, hopped up and grabbed Zelda.
"C'mon! I'll get the first horse I see and we'll be out of here!"
They scampered out of the house and into the corral. Talon and Ingo were doing a great job preventing Malon from following Link and Zelda outside until she pulled out a frying pan from under her skirt (DON'T ASK) and smacked an unsuspecting Talon over the head with it. He hit the ground, unconscious. Ingo simply looked at her and shrugged.
"Eh, I'm not gonna fight with you again. You're freaking crazy."
"Hehe!! Spank you!" Malon ignored him and went after the Hylian duo. Of course, she found them among the horses in the corral. Link and Zelda didn't notice her as she stood in front of the gates. "Mwahaha! You're never leaving this ranch, Link!"
"She's back! She's like a fucking Terminator!" Zelda wailed, holding onto the skirt of Link's tunic.
Link snatched the reigns of the nearest horse. "Hey Zelda, do you like this horsey?"
"Er, I guess."
"Good, he's yours!" He mounted the horse and held out his hand. "Get up behind me, Zelda!"
"A-Alright, hero." She trusted him and did as he said. Now if only she did that when he asked her for a kiss!
Malon closed the gates of the corral and laughed like a madwoman (which she was, actually). She remained inside the pen to guard their only means of escape. "Link, I'm never going to let you go! Be mine!"
"Sorry, can't do that!" he replied. "Malon I've told you numerous times that I just want to be friends. Has our relationship come to this?"
"But I like you as much more than a friend! MUCH, MUCH MORE!!"
"Get your own boyfriend!" Zelda hissed at the ranch-girl. ...Ooh my! By saying that did I imply Link was my boyfriend? Eh, who cares. I'll be his anything if he gets us out of here alive!...
"Link!" Malon continued to rant. "Escape is futile! Shed your clothing now and be mine!"
The Hero of Time ignored her and prompted the horse to begin galloping around the corral to gain speed.
"Link, what are you doing?" Zelda whispered into his ear.
"You'll see. Just hold on to me, okay?"
Eventually the pony had reached its top speed, or at least what Link thought was its top speed.
"Get back here, Link!" the ranch-girl howled from her spot inside the closed gates. "What are you doing?!"
"Zelda, hold on tight!"
"Eep!" the princess squeaked, clutching onto Link's waist with all her might. Needless to say, they both enjoyed it. He rode the horse in the gates' direction.
...I hope this horse is a good jumper, because if it isn't, then I'm so fucked...and not by the woman I want to be fucked by!...
Malon was waving around her arms and jumping up and down.
"You better not do what I think you're gonna do, Link! DON'T YOU DARE!"
With finesse and grace (and not to mention a hell of a lot of luck), the horse successfully leapt over the gates, clearing them with ease.
"Haha! Hell yeah!" Link laughed as he turned the horse around to face a shocked Malon. "I am so freaking good!!"
"Thanks for the free horse, bitch." Zelda chirped before resting her head down on Link's back.
"Shit! I'll get you someday, Link!" Malon pointed a finger at the couple. "And you will father my children, whether you like it or not! I love you!!!!"
"Jesus, time to blow this popsicle stand!" The Hero of Time signaled the horse to start trotting away. Once they were at a safe distance from Lon Lon Ranch, they both exhaled a sigh of relief. "That girl needs help..."
"Wow, Link! You're so muscular!" Zelda mimicked in Malon's ditzy voice.
"Heh. I wonder if they have a support group for people like her." ...What am I saying? If they did, I'd be in it. Hell, I wouldn't just be in it, I'd be their spokesperson and president!...
The events of the day were too traumatizing to be spoken of any further, so the pair rode silently home. Upon arriving back at the castle, Link directed the horsey over to the royal stables, where Epona was happily munching away on hay. Yes, somehow she found her way home.
"Thank you, Link." Zelda was being grateful for once. "I had no idea that going to Lon Lon would require us to deal with such a deranged ranch-girl!"
"No problem, Zelda." Link dismounted Epona and held out his hand for the princess to take. "Just doing my job. You asked for my help, and that's exactly what I gave you." he said, helping her off. They exchanged smiles, but really wanted to exchange a whole lot more...like spit.
After a few lingering moments, Zelda bent down and looked under her new tan horse.
"Whatcha doing?" Link asked, puzzled.
"Seeing if my horse is a boy or a girl."
"And?"
She picked her head up. "It's a girl."
"That's good! I don't have to worry about Epona getting pregnant now!"
Zelda laughed at Link's comment and shook her head.
"Well it's true! If she got impregnated, then I'd be out of a horse for quite a while, and there's no way in hell I'm going back to Lon Lon Ranch for another one! I'd never make it out in one piece!"
"You're right." the princess giggled. "Malon would eat you alive." ...Wanna eat me, Link?...
"What are you gonna name her, Zelda?"
"I'm not sure yet. Let me think about it."
"Cool. Just tell me when you come up with one." Link stretched his arms out in front of him and arched his back. "I'm going to get some rest. I'm beat. Malon took a few years off my life today."
"Sure." Zelda walked over to where some horsey supplies were and pulled out a brush. She sweetly started to run it through her new friend's mane. "She's so beautiful, Link. You picked out a great horse."
"I always seem to be attracted to beautiful creatures..." Link grinned. ...Oh, Rico Suave!...
She blushed at his comment, but tried her best to hide it. "That's it! I'll name her Beautiful!"
"Beautiful. That's a great name. I'll see you at dinner then." He turned around to walk away when Zelda unexpectedly grabbed his sleeve. You could say she sorta surprised herself.
"Link?"
"Yes?"
"Once again, thanks." Daringly, she reached over and kissed his cheek. (Author's note: Sorry readers. You don't expect me to make them kiss that easily, do you? I enjoy torturing you so much, but I do it with love!) Link couldn't believe it! With that little kiss, he became the giddiest man on the planet--no, the giddiest man in the universe! He chuckled to himself like a kid who had just ripped off the wings from a fly.
"Hehe! Thank you, Zelda! I'll see you at dinner!"
"Looking forward to it." she purred.
He gave her one last glance, then skipped back into the castle. He was smiling so hard that everyone around him thought he'd have to have it surgically removed from his face.
AT THE SAME TIME ON DEATH MOUNTAIN
Meanwhile, on the opposite side of Hyrule, things were not so glowing and happy. Ganon was recuperating after another bitter defeat. The King of Evil was sitting on his throne with an ice pack on his head, dozing off. A few of his Moblin guards entered the throne room. Three of them were each holding a prisoner.
"Boss!" one cried. "What are we going to do with-"
"OH SHUT UP! I'VE GOT A BAD HEADACHE CAUSED BY THAT IMPUDENT IMP LINK!"
"But Your Evilness, I doth these prisoners protest too much!"
"EH?"
"Yes." The Moblin pushed his prisoner onto his knees. "Talk, blondie!"
"AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" Ganon barked. "MAKE IT QUICK! THE GOLDEN GIRLS REUNION SPECIAL IS GOING TO BE ON LIFETIME IN TEN MINUTES!"
The prisoner took a deep breath before addressing the screaming disgruntled pig. "I am Sir Poopsalot, a Royal Knight of Hyrule-"
"OF HYRULE?! HOW IN HEAVEN'S NAME DID YOU END UP HERE? WERE YOU ARRESTED?"
"Y-Yes, ten years ago-"
"AND YOU'RE STILL HERE?! YOU TWIT, WHY DIDN'T YOU ESCAPE LIKE ALL MY OTHER PRISONERS?"
"Er, well...I was afraid-"
"SHUT UP!" Ganon rubbed his head with the ice pack and grumbled, "You're making my migraine worse!"
"Your Highness, I was wondering if...if you could let me go. You see, I am betrothed to Princess Zelda-"
"WHAT?!" The Prince of Thieves was so appalled by the knight's words that he shot up off his throne and glared at the prisoner. "BETROTHED TO THAT BLONDE LITTLE BITCH?! SINCE WHEN?!" Ganon found this very amusing.
"Bitch?" Sir Poopsalot asked himself. "Anyway yes, I am betrothed to Zelda. It happened when I was nine and she was five. You see, my father and the king were very close. The king promised his daughter to me when we both became of age. But I haven't seen her since I was ten because my father had sent me off to training school. When I was fourteen a war broke out and I had to go fight...little did I know it was against you. Your soldiers ambushed my group and threw us in here, and well, here I am, ten years later-"
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR DAMN LIFE STORY! I JUST ASKED SINCE WHEN!"
"...Sorry. Um, how did the war end anyway? I've had virtually no contact with the outside world. For the most part, I conversed with a mouse named Squeak about philosophy-"
"The people of Hyrule had a secret weapon." Ganon said, his voice deep with rage.
"Which was?"
"HIS name was Link."
"Link?"
"YES! ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING, YOU BILLYGOAT?! His name...that BASTARD'S name is Link. He first defeated me when he was about ten."
"Ten?!"
"Yes, the goon was good with a sword...AND HE STILL IS! HE JUST KICKED MY ASS LAST NIGHT!"
"Oh my! He sounds very powerful." Sir Poopsalot rubbed his hands together and smirked. "I shall have to get rid of him."
"HA! HA! GOOD LUCK, SISSYBOY! IF I-THE EVIL INCARNATION OF DARKNESS-AND MY WHOLE ARMY CAN'T STOP HIM, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN, YOU ARROGANT TWIRP?!"
"I will smash him like a bug!" The knight had suddenly gone homicidal. "I will succeed!"
"Oh," Ganon continued. "And here's a tidbit for you.."
"What?"
"LINK AND ZELDA ARE IN LOVE!"
"What?! My future wife loves someone else?"
"THAT'S RIGHT! ALTHOUGH THEY REALLY DON'T ACT LIKE THEY'RE IN LOVE, BUT THEY ARE! YOU CAN SOOOOO SEE IT! IT MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE MY BEA ARTHUR CARDBOARD CUTOUT AND BREAK IT OVER LINK'S HEAD BECAUSE HE'S SO OBLIVIOUS!"
"But-"
"AND ZELDA WANTS LINK IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE!"
"No! I must change her opinion! She will love me!"
"GOD DAMMIT, SHUT UP! YOUR VOICE IS IRRITATING! YOU KNOW WHAT? LEAVE, AND TAKE THE MONKEY UP YOUR ASS AND THE TREE IT'S ATTACHED TO WITH YOU! AT LEAST LINK'S NOT AS QUEER AS YOU ARE!"
"I'll leave, Your Graciousness!" Poopsalot joyously exclaimed as he stood up. He brushed himself off and tossed his soiled white cape to the side. "Once Zelda sees a real knight, she'll swoon! I'll have to pick her up off the ground and bring her to the nearest bed, where we shall make love until-"
"JESUS CHRIST, CAN IT, WILL YOU?! YOU'RE NOT ROMEO AND SHE CERTAINLY AIN'T YOUR JULIET! ....ONE MORE THING!"
"Yes, anything!"
Ganon wickedly grinned. "YOUR NAME IS SIR POOPSALOT, RIGHT?"
"Yes it is! What a great memory you have!"
"AND ARE YOU CALLED THAT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON?"
The knight answered Ganon's question with a stupid smile.
"HA! WELL POOPSALOT, BECAUSE I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I'M GOING TO CHANGE THAT!"
"Huh?" Poopsalot nervously inquired.
"NOW YOU WILL BE...ETERNALLY CONSTIPATED!" The King of Evil pointed his finger at the knight. A bright yellow light beam came out of it and shone onto Poopsalot, forcing him back onto his knees.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" he screamed in agony.
"MAY YOU BE DAMNED TO ENDLESS HOURS OF STRAINING! NOW LEAVE!"
And there was Chapter Eleven. See, I didn't do anything horrible to Malon! I just made her a blown out psycho. Remember the ending for Ocarina of Time, where they show Malon singing? Don't tell me that she didn't look psychotic in that shot! She's going to show up in more chapters as the story progresses. I also introduced a new character, Sir Poopsalot, who's a spinoff of Sir Facade from the Zelda cartoons. Kudos to those who remember him!! Chapter Twelve will focus on Link's first meeting with Poopsalot and the rivalry that develops. As always, keep the reviews coming, and go to my website for a scare! Until the next, bitches!
