"Are we ever really ready?"

I looked up from unbuckling Olivia from her car seat. "What do you mean?"

"To lose someone. Are we ever really ready?" he picked up Molly while I sat Olivia on my hip, hitched the diaper bag over my shoulder and followed him inside. Lucas, Bill and Nessie were trooping in tiredly behind us.

"I don't think we are," I admitted. "Even after an illness like your dad's, we're still not really prepared."

He nodded and stood Molly on the table in the entryway to take her jacket off. I knelt down with Olivia. She was practically asleep already. It had been a long day and it was hours past her bedtime. The others, too. I pulled her jacket off, then set her in my lap and pulled off her shoes and tights. Bill reached for his dad and Jake held him against his chest, rubbing his back, lost in thought as he awkwardly scooped up Molly, too. I stood up, Olivia draped against me similarly. I reached over and touched Jake's arm and he looked at me, grief etched on his face.

"Eventually, it'll get easier," I murmured, a catch in my voice. "It sure as hell can't get worse, right?"

He gave me a wan smile and leaned over, kissing my forehead lightly. He led the way upstairs while I reached out and took Nessie's hand. We systematically dropped them off in their rooms, Lucas taking Bill's hand and leading him down the hall to their room, Nessie wandering off to hers while Jake and I set Olivia and Molly out on their bed. We pulled off their dresses, leaving them in just diapers for the night. It was warm for Forks so they'd be alright.

I made my way down the hall to check on Nessie while Jake went to ensure the boys were comfortable and settled in. Nessie hugged the ratty bunny Billy had given her last Christmas and sucked on her thumb, a habit that had resurfaced the last year since Billy had been sick. I kissed her forehead and moved down the hall to the boys' room. I paused in the doorway and looked in at Jake as he read a picture book to Bill. Lucas was pretending to not be interested but I could tell he was.

"Hey."

I looked up and Dad was standing unsteadily in the hallway behind me. He looked significantly worse for wear.

"You're drunk," I said accusingly.

He wobbled slightly in his stance. "No mnot," he contradicted me.

I rolled my eyes and started towards him. "Let me help you to bed."

"I'm fine," he slurred. "Just havin' a drink t' Billy."

"I know, Dad, come on. You can drink more tomorrow, I promise."

He grunted but let me lead him out of the room and into his room. He collapsed with a huff onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling while I pulled his shoes off and pulled the light summer quilt up over him.

"He's m' frend."

"I know Dad."

"M' bes frend."

"I know."

"I loved him, y'know. Not gay like or anythin', but I loved him. I never told him." To my shock, my dad started to cry. I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his arm lightly.

"He knew, Dad, I'm sure of it. And he loved you, too."

He nodded, then rolled over, his back to me. I swallowed hard and kept rubbing, waiting until he was asleep before heading out of the room. I pulled the door shut quietly behind me and leaned against it, wiping at my own tears. I could handle a lot of things but my father crying was not one of them.

I took a moment to collect myself before poking my head in the door of the boys' room, checking on my sleeping children like all mothers do after a trying day, ensuring their safety and happiness.

Lucas had fallen asleep in the time I'd been gone, sprawled across his bed, spread eagle, sleeping like his father. His mouth was open slightly and his long dark lashes rested on his faintly pink cheeks. His dark hair was already tousled and his shirt rumpled from a day spent playing with other children, all blissfully unaware of the grief and sorrow around them.

Jake was sitting on Bill's bed, holding Bill against him, staring down at his face as though memorizing it. I could see the sliver tracks of his tears in the moonlight through the window. The light made him look older and younger at the same time.

Bill was starting to look more and more like a boy and less and less like a baby. All my children had the same rosy hue to their skin, the same dark hair and eyes and gorgeous lashes and perfect lips. While the twins' faces and bodies were still plump, he was finally starting to lose his baby fat and grow into the lean wiry boy he would be someday, just like Lucas had once done.

I crossed the room and sat beside Jake, resting my head on his shoulder and lightly resting my hand on his forearm. "He's asleep now."

Jake didn't say anything and I closed my eyes, feeling his slow steady breathing under my cheek. I could hear the wind outside the house, the mournful cry of it breaking my heart a little more than it already was.

I felt his hand in the darkness, reaching around and resting against my waist. His thumb rubbed lightly against the skin above the waistline of my pants. "He's handling it better than I want to."

I nodded and closed my eyes tiredly. "Only some of us are allowed to get rip roaring drunk, apparently Dad's laid claim to it for now. You can have a turn later."

He nodded, his fingers tracing light patterns on my skin. "They're reading the will tomorrow, then Rachel and Rebecca are coming over to go through Dad's stuff. I guess we need to pack it all up so Lucas can have the room. It's probably time for him to get his own room now."

"Jake there's no rush. We can take our time with this. You don't have to do this."

"I do," he said with a sigh. "He was my father."

I sat up, twisting and looking at him. "He was your father, and as such he'd understand if you needed more time, Jake. He wouldn't expect you to be ready to do this yet."

He was quiet, looking down at Bill again. I sighed and leaned forward, kissing his forehead. "I'm going to bed, Jake. Just make sure he's covered when you put him down."

"I've been a parent just as long as you, Bells," he said softly, a hint of a grin on his face.

I smiled back at him and touched my lips briefly to first Bill's and then Lucas's foreheads before heading to my room.

I stripped down naked and headed to the bathroom. I pulled out a towel from the cabinet and put it on the toilet tank before I turned on the water. I held my hand under the stream to gauge the temperature before climbing in.

I let the hot water wash over me before methodically washing my hair and body. When I was finished, I stood for a while longer. When I was sure I couldn't hold it in any longer, I closed my eyes and tilted my head back and gave in.

I'd been holding it all together for what felt like months. Billy's cancer had been a shock to us all and for him to go downhill so quickly barely gave us time to adjust and adapt. Jake and his sisters had been the strong stoic Indian stereotype for Billy, assuring him that everything would be ok. When Billy finally slipped away, they'd quietly said their goodbyes in private, then went their separate ways. I found Jake hours later on the beach in La Push. He'd fallen to his knees and his head was thrown back as he keened to the sky, crying for his father.

I knew in that moment that I had to be strong for him. In spite of the fact that our relationship was still recuperating from the last two years of strain and distance and depression, I couldn't give in to my own grief as publicly as my husband was because he needed me to be there to lean on. He needed me to take care of him as he had always taken care of me.

I sat on the floor of the tub and hugged my knees to my chest, sobbing for the grandfather my younger children wouldn't remember, the friend my father had lost, the father my husband would miss and the man who'd been like a father to me.

Twenty minutes later, I climbed into bed. The tips of my hair left fat drops of water everywhere, turning the lavender bedspread eggplant. Jake was standing at the window, looking out thoughtfully.

"Did Edward Cullen really climb up the tree at your house in Forks?"

I laughed softly and sat up, drawing my knees up and loosely draping my arms around them. "Yeah, a time or two."

"I'm surprised Charlie never shot him."

"So am I."

He chuckled softly then turned around. "Remind me to chop down any trees near the kids' bedroom windows." His eyes widened slightly when he saw me. I looked down and flushed. The water from my hair had made my white t-shirt translucent and my nipples were clearly visible through the thin cotton. I shook my head slightly and looked back up at him.

"Oh, come on. You've seen them before. You shouldn't be so surprised or turned on."

He grinned and crawled into the bed, pulling me close to him and kissing me firmly. One hand snaked up under the hem of my shirt and gently cupped my breast.

"I will never get tired of the sight of your nipples, especially in that t-shirt."

I laughed softly against his mouth and adjusted slightly so I was more fully under him. I rested my hands lightly on his sides, rubbing tiny circles on his skin with my fingertips.

He held his weight off of me with one hand, using the other to push his boxers down and to push my panties to the side as he guided himself into me. I gasped softly, like I always did. It was always a little bit of a surprise, even after nearly ten years. His hand came back up to my shoulder and he lowered his chest so it brushed against my breasts as he moved against me. I wrapped my legs around him, my hands moving up and cupping his face.

Our eyes were locked and no words were needed. This wasn't about romance or creating a child or healing a marriage. This was about feeling alive and being comforted in a time of grief. This was two people who loved each other showing that love and the relief of being alive. This was acknowledging the pain of the loss of a family member while children slept in a room down the hall across from a passed out drunk. This was everything and nothing at the same time.

His pace increased and the headboard began to knock against the wall slightly, the bed springs squeaking softly. He reached up one hand and gripped the headboard, dulling the thumps with his knuckles so as not to wake anyone else.

"Almost there," he panted.

I nodded and adjusted slightly, raising my hips and pulling him deeper into me. He groaned, tightening his grip on the headboard. The arm holding his weight was shaking lightly with the exertion.

His eyes closed and he groaned again softly, his face screwing up a little as he shuddered around and inside me. I smoothed his face with my hands and he reached up, catching my wrist in his grasp and kissing my palm. He lowered himself onto his elbows, still inside and around me.

"God you're beautiful," he breathed, kissing me again.

I kissed him back, my arms wrapped around his neck.

He rolled onto his side beside me, awkwardly pulling his boxers back up and readjusting my panties. "Did I make a mess?"

I snorted. "Probably, but it's fine. I'll just make sure I've got laundry duty this week so Dad doesn't see it. Even with five kids I think he's in denial that I'm not a virgin anymore."

Jake laughed softly and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "Maybe he thinks you adopted them."

I rolled my eyes. "He was there when Nessie was born, Jake. In the room, actually. He definitely heard me screaming at you."

He grinned and nodded, his fingers lightly ghosting over my lips. "They're fantastic kids, though, you know?"

"They really are, in spite of us," I whispered.

"Maybe because of us."

I laughed softly and nodded. "Maybe because of you."

Jake shimmied down in the bed a little, wrapping his body awkwardly around mine and resting his head on my chest. "So did you have sex with Edward in your bed? The one we gave Nessie?"

I snorted and combed my fingers through his hair. "No, not Edward Cullen. Not in my father's house. And there is no way I'd give a bed I had sex in to one of my children."

He chuckled softly, his thumb rubbing against the bottom of my breast. "So where? You don't talk about him much, but I know you two had sex."

"Why do you want to know?" I asked curiously.

"I don't want to think about other stuff and this is probably the one part of you we've never discussed."

"I never discussed it because I figured you wouldn't want to hear it."

"Well, I do now."

I was quiet, thinking. "We had sex the first time in the bed of the pickup truck."

He lifted his head and looked at me with astonishment. "Seriously? The truck?"

I laughed and nodded. "We were cutting class and hiding out in the truck. We started making out and then…sex."

He laughed and shook his head. "I always figured he'd be a candlelight and roses kind of guy."

"Oh, he was. After that." I grinned, remembering. "That was fall of Junior year. He took me to the Dew Drop for a couple of nights throughout the semester, and when his parents were out of town we'd stay at his house."

"I remember. I had to cover for you a couple times." He nestled his forehead against my neck, his breath warm against my throat.

I grinned. "I thought Dad was going to shit a brick when you told him we'd been on an impromptu camping trip one weekend when I forgot to tell Jessica our plans and she called looking for me."

"Shit, I thought he was either going to castrate me or shoot me."

"I'm very glad he didn't, in retrospect."

"I was glad he didn't at the time."

I chuckled and nodded. "I guess I was too, though I hated that you were dating what's her name."

"Kelly."

"Right. Bitch."

"She really was."

"So was she your first?"

"No, actually."

I frowned, trying to remember the girls before and after Kelly. Jake had dated a lot in his life. "Angela?"

He laughed and shook his head against my neck. "Remember Jennifer?"

"Rachel's roommate Jennifer?" I asked in shock.

"Yeah."

"No."

"Yes."

"You are such a bad brother!"

He laughed and shifted on the bed so he could make eye contact. "She seduced me," he protested. "I was an innocent."

I snorted. "Whatever. You were what, 17?"

"Fifteen."

"Child molester."

"She wasn't a child."

"She's who I'm talking about."

He laughed again and rolled onto his back, pulling me onto his chest. I slipped my top leg in between his and sighed softly. He gently stroked my damp hair and pressed a kiss to the crown of my head.

"Thanks for this, Bella."

"For what?"

"The sex, the talking, everything. Thanks for the five rugrats down the hall. Thanks for being strong for me and your dad. You can cry, too, you know. I won't break if you cry."

I traced circles on his bare chest. "I just want to be there when you need me and if I'm broken and crying, I can't."

"You're strong enough that we'll be fine. I know you cry at night, in the shower. I can hear you and I can see it in your face. He was like a dad to you, too, so cry all you want. I'll make it."

I pressed my face into his chest and kissed him. "Thanks. I think I'm cried out right now though. Can we sleep instead?"

He chuckled softly. "Sure sure."

I pushed myself up some and kissed him lightly on the mouth. "I love you."

"I love you too."