DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

AN. Meant to update this weekend but got sidetracked! Went home for a wedding and ended up seeing a lot of old friends and classmates. Cue a lot of discussion about how the hell it's been 10 years since we graduated high school. I've got a drs appointment this afternoon and not sure how long it'll take, so thought I'd update now.

Chapter 11: (It is You) I Have Loved

Counselling Session, November 1948

"Let's talk about Glinda."

Elphaba, who was already naturally tense for at least the first fifteen minutes of every session, stiffened.

"Let's not," she said sharply.

Dr Palloa shook his head gently. "I let you avoid it last session, Elphaba. But not today."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Like hell there isn't," Fiyero shot back immediately. "Elphaba, you can't just say that you still feel guilty about Glinda, and then drop it."

"We haven't seen or heard from Glinda in a decade," Elphaba retorted. "She's from another lifetime ago-"

"Then why would it matter how you and I got together? Ten years later, why does it still bother you?" Fiyero asked her quietly.

Elphaba faltered.

"We don't talk about Glinda," she said finally, meeting Fiyero's gaze.

It was the biggest rule in the Tiggular household. Oz was rarely mentioned. Fiyero's parents- occasionally, but only ever in passing. But Glinda was never, ever discussed.

"I know," Fiyero said gently. "But maybe we should."

Elphaba said nothing, which Dr Palloa took as a silent, tentative agreement.

"Fiyero, I understand that you met Elphaba and Glinda at the same time."

Fiyero nodded. "Yeah. When I started Shiz."

"Tell me about your life before Shiz," the Peacock prodded.

Fiyero looked a little surprised at the question, but answered nonetheless. "My life was… empty," he said honestly.

Dr Palloa nodded. "Well, in hindsight-"

"No," Fiyero shook his head firmly. "I knew it was empty at the time. I just pretended that I didn't know. Or that I didn't care."

Dr Palloa made a note. "Why?"

Fiyero frowned. "Why?" he repeated. "Why it was empty or why I pretended not to care?"

"Both. Tell me about your childhood."

Fiyero chuckled. "Look, Doc. My childhood has nothing to do with our marriage."

"No," Dr Palloa agreed. "Maybe not. But it has everything to do with the person you are. So, your childhood?"

Fiyero hesitated, sighed and began. "I was born in the Vinkus, in Oz. My family is… wealthy."

Elphaba scoffed, drawing their attention. "Sorry," she apologised. "But 'wealthy' is an understatement, and you know it," she said to Fiyero. "Just say it."

Fiyero considered that for a beat, then conceded.

"I'm a prince," he elaborated. "My parents are the King and Queen of the Vinkus. I'm their only child, and heir to the throne."

Dr Palloa cocked his head in interest. "I see."

"I hated being royalty," Fiyero continued. "Or rather, I hated the responsibility that came along with it," he amended. "I liked the lifestyle, the perks. As a kid, I thought it was great, you know? We never had to worry about money, everyone wanted to be my friend, and one day, I'd get to be in charge of everyone. It was like, what more could anyone want?"

"And when did that change?"

Fiyero paused thoughtfully. "I don't know, really. I mean, I think I was about thirteen or so when I really got what it meant to be the future king. My parents really started laying out all the responsibilities that came with being royalty. No other kids at school got their 'birds and the bees' talk with an added dose of 'you need to provide an heir to the throne.'"

"Eventually I just got fed up with it all, and started 'acting out' I guess is the best way of putting it. I stopped really trying in school and started just having fun with my friends. Taking all the liberties and perks that came with being royalty and avoided all the responsibility. Elphaba, what's with that face?"

Dr Palloa looked up and saw Elphaba grimacing, as though bracing herself for something.

"I'm just waiting for you to say it," she said.

"Say what?"

"You know what," she retorted pointedly. "Your stupid motto."

"It wasn't a motto, it was a life philosophy," Fiyero corrected her. "And it wasn't stupid."

"To this day, it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Elphaba returned. "Although you describing it as a 'life philosophy' may be the second most stupid thing I've ever heard."

"What was it?" Dr Palloa asked, bemused.

The expression on Fiyero's face suggested he didn't want to say it aloud now that Elphaba had labelled it 'stupid'.

"Dancing Through Life," he finally replied, somewhat sheepishly.

Dr Palloa nodded slowly, then wrote it down in his notes. "I see."

"I was sixteen when I came up with it!" Fiyero defended himself. "And an idiot, I don't deny that."

"How did this… 'Dancing Through Life' lifestyle manifest? You said you avoided your responsibilities. What happened?"

Fiyero winced slightly. "I finished school-barely. Went to six universities. Flunked out of three, got expelled from another three. The longest I was anywhere was a year and a half. The shortest was seven months. Then I went to Shiz."

"Was it making you happy? This life, with no responsibility?"

"No," Fiyero said honestly. "I knew the truth by now. Everyone wanted to be my friend, because they wanted the same perks I was getting. The only real friend I had was a guy who worked in the castle stables. It was pretty lonely, I guess."

"Did you have any relationships during this time?"

Elphaba made a noise in her throat, drawing Fiyero's attention.

"Sorry," she apologised again.

A glimmer of reluctant amusement passed over Fiyero's face for a moment, before he turned back to Dr Palloa.

"I always dated," he shrugged. "And I had a few relationships. Nothing serious, never lasting very long. I knew by then that if I ever dated a girl for more than a month, everyone started to think that I was going to marry her. I hated that. The pressure, the expectations from everyone. It made marriage feel like a chore. I never dated a girl for longer than two months, until Glinda."

"Is that why you broke up with these girls? To prevent marriage rumours?"

"I didn't love them. That's why I broke up with them. I never loved any of them, or felt like I could love any of them."

"Until Glinda?" Dr Palloa asked him.

Fiyero hesitated. "Glinda…"

"Tell me about your relationship with her."

Fiyero glanced at Elphaba, who rolled her eyes.

"It's not news to me, Fiyero."

"I know, but there's things that we've never-"

"What, that you slept together? You were with her for over two years, I assumed as much," Elphaba said bluntly, although she didn't look at Fiyero. "I'm not an idiot, Fiyero."

"Let's speak about this calmly," Dr Palloa interjected gently. "And if it gets too much for you, Elphaba, let us know, alright?"

She hesitated, nodded and then stared at her lap. Fiyero glanced at her once more before beginning to speak.

"I met Glinda about two minutes after I met Elphaba," he began. "She was pretty and flirty and she made it pretty clear she was interested in me."

"And were you interested in her?"

Fiyero shrugged. "She was pretty. That's all I knew at that point. We organised a dance at the local place in town, and Glinda was my date. We danced, we kissed… it was a date. Nothing original, nothing special. Just a fun night out."

"There must have been something special if you stayed with her for two years. You were engaged, yes? So, when it came to that two month mark with Glinda. Why didn't you break up with her? Why was she special?"

Fiyero hesitated. "She wasn't," he admitted. "I mean, she was pretty and sweet. I cared for her, but I wasn't in love with her. By the time we got to the one month mark, I already knew I was in love with Elphaba. Glinda didn't have a chance."

"Then why did you stay with her?"

It was the next question on Dr Palloa's list, but he hadn't asked it.

Elphaba had.

"Why didn't you break up with Glinda?" she asked again as Fiyero turned to her. "If you knew you didn't love her-"

"Because the fact that I loved you terrified me," Fiyero said bluntly. "I'd never been in love before. And, honestly, it was easier to stay with Glinda and not deal with my feelings for you. At least until I got my head sorted out. And then suddenly it was all over the newspapers that you were a wanted fugitive."

"So, because I was on the run, you didn't have to deal with your feelings for me?" Elphaba demanded.

"No!" Fiyero exclaimed quickly. "Look, when Glinda came back to Shiz after spring break, she was a mess. She'd been interrogated by the Wizard's guards after you took off, in case she knew where you were going-"

"She what?!" Elphaba exclaimed furiously, sitting bolt upright on her seat and staring at Fiyero in disbelief. "You never told me that!"

"Well, I knew you'd freak out," Fiyero said gently. "And she's clearly fine now."

"I told them," Elphaba fumed. "I told them she had nothing to do with it! They had no right to-"

"Fae, they didn't hurt her," Fiyero interrupted. "They just held her in a room for a few hours and asked her a million questions she couldn't answer. Morrible 'stepped in' eventually and told them to let her go."

Elphaba snorted. "Oh, please. They probably questioned her on Morrible's orders too."

"Glinda and I agreed they had," Fiyero nodded. "Once she'd told me the truth about what happened, and then about the interrogation. We both thought it made sense that it was done as a subtle reminder that Morrible could have let her be carted off to Southstairs if she wanted. By 'rescuing' her, it was a very clear message that Glinda owed her- and the Wizard. Glinda could work with them, or become an enemy- just like you."

Elphaba said nothing.

"She was all freaked out after that, thinking Morrible would turn on her at any moment," Fiyero continued. "She was worried about you, and feeling guilty that she hadn't gone with you. I couldn't break up with her after that. We were the only ones who knew the truth about you."

Dr Palloa frowned slightly. "What was that like? To have that secret between you?"

Fiyero considered that. "In the beginning, it brought us closer together," he answered slowly, thoughtfully. "It was when I realised that Glinda and I had more in common than I first thought. We both had a face that we presented to the rest of the world, I guess. Glinda was smarter than she let people see."

"So, what changed?"

Fiyero shrugged. "Glinda was happy to play their game, Morrible and the Wizard's. And I was only playing to find Elphaba. I felt like Glinda was playing to save herself."

"Did you resent her for that?"

Fiyero faltered, which caught Elphaba's attention.

"Fiyero?" she asked quietly.

"Yes," Fiyero admitted, not looking at his wife. "I guess I did. I don't think I realised it at the time though."

Elphaba's eyes widened in surprise.

"Look, I still wasn't in love with her. I couldn't be, not when I felt the way I did about you," Fiyero told Elphaba. "But that first year when you were gone, I did grow to genuinely love her. That was enough for a while."

"For a while? What changed?"

"She became 'Glinda the Good'! She had people worshipping her at every turn, and she loved it. She was playing the game, the game you refused to. Every time you raided another Animal camp or evaded another Gale force squad, every time you defied the Wizard, I fell a little bit more in love with you. Which I had to keep secret, and it killed me. Glinda couldn't compete with that, no matter if I did love her."

The Peacock felt like he was missing something here as he read back over his notes. "Then why did you propose to her?"

"I didn't," Fiyero sighed tiredly. "Glinda and Morrible threw a press conference when Glinda took the title, apparently to festivate the good work Glinda was doing and for my promotion to Captain of the Guard. To boost morale. And suddenly Morrible asks 'how does it feel to be engaged?' I was blindsided."

"You didn't say anything?"

"On a podium before the citizens and the press, with Glinda flashing around a giant diamond ring on her finger I'd never seen before in my life? No," Fiyero said dryly. "Somehow I didn't think that was the best time."

A sombre look came across his face. "There was the usual gossip floating around," he recalled. "Awful rumours about you," he said to Elphaba.

"Oh good, something different," Elphaba snarked.

"I got fed up, and stormed off. Glinda and I argued. She said I had to face the fact that you didn't want to be found and we couldn't stop living. That idea killed me."

He paused for a moment, looking distant.

"I had all these fantasies that I'd find you," he said quietly.

"I don't know what I thought would happen after that, if I always knew that I'd go with you, or whether I thought we'd fight the Wizard and clear your name. I just knew that I wanted to find you, and I'd turned all of Oz upside down for two years, and I'd never found a trace. If it wasn't for the reports of you rescuing Animals, we wouldn't have known you were even still alive," he said honestly.

He sighed again, a long, sad sigh. "So, I thought… maybe I have to grow up and let go of the fantasies. Maybe I'd never find you. So, I told Glinda I'd marry her."

"You never told me that," Elphaba said quietly.

Fiyero smiled wryly and then reached over and took her hand. "Well, it gets better. I prayed for a sign I was doing the right thing. And two days later was the engagement ball, and suddenly, you were there. If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what was."

Dr Palloa hated to break the silence that followed.

"Elphaba, you said that you still feel guilty that Fiyero left Glinda to be with you. Why?"

Elphaba jumped slightly at being addressed, and her face seemed somewhat flushed as she looked away from Fiyero, withdrawing her hand from his.

"Glinda was the first friend I ever had," she said soberly. "And she loved Fiyero the moment she laid eyes on him. The day they met was the day we became friends. And she told me that night that one day she was going to marry him."

It was Fiyero's turn to look at her in shock. "She said what?!"

Elphaba looked faintly amused. "Does that surprise you?"

"Yes. Although I guess it probably shouldn't," Fiyero muttered.

Elphaba's smile faded as she stared at her lap. "The look on her face when you said you were coming with me… as she realised what it meant… it was awful," she said, shuddering slightly at the memory. "I'll never forget it. She was so hurt, and betrayed… we broke her heart."

Something passed over Elphaba's face at that moment, and in the blink of an eye, something within her visibly closed off.

"Can we change the subject now, please?" she asked, her throat constricted.

"I feel there's more to discuss here-"

"No," Fiyero cut the Peacock off, looking at Elphaba. "Let's change the subject."

Dr Palloa wasn't sure what had happened, but he decided not to push for now.

"Fiyero, tell me why Elphaba is different."

They both stared at him.

"Well, obviously," Elphaba said, gesturing to herself.

Dr Palloa smiled slightly. "No. I mean, why Elphaba is different than the other girls you dated. Than Glinda. You said you were 'terrified' of your feelings for her, that marriage felt like a chore, an obligation. Yet, you married Elphaba. Why?"

Fiyero looked at him blankly. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, uttering sounds that may have been the beginning of words.

"I fell in love with her," he said finally. "She makes me better. Makes me want to be better. Ever since I met her, I see the world differently, and she knows me better than anyone else. I married her because I chose to. Because the idea of life without her was more terrifying than what I felt for her."

"And now?"

Fiyero fell silent, fighting with himself as he tried to answer. He was conscious of Elphaba's gaze on him.

"The truth is, there is no life without Elphaba. Even- even if our marriage is… over," he said that word with difficulty. "She's still my best friend and the mother of my children. I will never have to experience life without her again, which I'm grateful for. But… the idea of not sharing a home with her again, or waking up beside her… I can't say that terrifies me, because I'm living it right now. But I hate the thought of it."

Silence fell once more.

"It terrifies me," Elphaba said in a whisper.

Fiyero met her gaze.

"I was always alone until I had you," she explained brokenly. "I'm terrified that we won't fix this and I'm going to be alone again. I don't know how to go back to that," her voice shook as she spoke.

Fiyero took her hands. "Hey, you'll never be alone," he said firmly. "Never, ok?"

Elphaba sniffled, tears brimming in her eyes. "The last time I lost you-"

"You saved me," Fiyero cut her off. "You've never lost me. No matter what, Fae. I'm always here for you, ok?"

"I don't know how to fix this," Elphaba choked out.

"That's why we're here," Fiyero reminded her. "Maybe this time, Fae, we have to save each other."

Dr Palloa thought Fiyero was on to something there.

Chapter Title Song: "(It is You) I Have Loved" by Dana Glover (AKA the song from the end credits of Shrek).

AN. Anyone on reddit? I've gotten into it the last few months- there's a pretty good ff group on there, and there's a Wicked one too, but it's not very active.