*It's theobligatory"Alex doesn't like storms" chapter.
Buckle up.
I am SO sorry this took so long! I had my first week back at school and a shit-ton of homework, as well as some coursework to finish- but I am back in action! Woohoo!
Enjoy! :D*
John POV
John was slightly less pleased about the development in Herc and Lafayette's relationship when they told him they were skipping their Friday night out in favour of going on their first real date. He'd whined and pleaded as much as he dared, but nothing could convince them, and John was actually starting to panic as Friday rolled around- because, yes, he was going to be spending time with Alex… but he was going to be spending time alone with Alex. And that prospect was nothing short of terrifying. He lost count of the worst-case-scenarios that his brain kept supplying, most of which featured him loosing the last of his already pitiful self-restraint and kissing the poor man senseless, or babbling and spilling his feelings that way, or being so reserved in order to try and combat those urges that Alexander thought he was shunning him and John hurt his feelings- which might have been even worse. He already knew that Alex was pretty shy, and seemed to have a hard time believing that the gang actually wanted to hang out with him- he didn't want to make that even worse. But at least Alex had never had to experience this. The anticipation of spending an unspecified number of hours alone with his crush (the word seemed childish, but what else could he call it?) with the absolute resolution that the other man didn't find out about his feelings for him. It was torture.
Then again, he was going to spend the whole evening- possibly night- with Alexander. And the braver part of his heart felt like air when he thought of it.
As he stood at the counter of the coffee shop, wiping down a couple of mugs and staring into space, he became suddenly aware of a bobbing blue shape in his field of vision. He looked around, and saw Eliza Schuyler striding purposefully across the space towards him, a grit-toothed frown on her usually cheerful face. When she reached him, she slapped a twenty dollar bill on the counter, said "My usual, then we need to talk." and then folded her arms, watching him expectantly. Startled, John took a few seconds to react. When he did, it was to give her the change for her drink, and then set about making a medium caramel frapuccino- and he added strawberry syrup, which he knew she loved, to try and soften whatever blow was coming. What was she here for? Well, obviously, the coffee- but her 'we need to talk' had made his blood run cold. He felt like he was back in Grade school, his father or his stepmother having just asked him the same question- what did I do wrong ringing loudly in his head; Eliza's face was stony and superior. Her nose turned up in just the way Angelica's did when she knew she had dirt on you and was about to let you know just exactly how much there was.
So forgive him for being frightened.
Did she think he was flirting with Maria? He could put those suspicions to rest pretty quickly- or Angelica? Same answer. Was it about Laf and Herc? Was she worried their new relationship would put strain on the friendship group? He couldn't come up with an answer.
Eliza gave him one, however, as he handed her her drink. She looked down at it in grudging approval, eyes flicking up to his with cold neutrality.
"You can't bribe me with strawberry syrup, Laurens." John attempted to chuckle, but didn't quite manage it.
"W- Worth a shot?" She didn't reply. He was about to ask after her intentions when she sighed and snapped-
"It's about Alex."
Oh.
Of course it was.
"O- Oh, really?" John stuttered trying to keep his face neutral. "What about him?"
"You know damn well 'what about him', John. Listen to me. I know Alexander better than anyone, and I know that his self-esteem wouldn't take too kindly to being played or tricked."
"What do you- "
"If you break his heart, I'll break your fucking neck."
Well, that was one way to get your point across. She didn't look like she was joking.
"I- I- "
"Do you understand me?"
"Eliza, Alex and I are just friends." John protested. When she raised one eyebrow sceptically, he tried again, defensive. "Really.Good friends- he's probably my best friend- don't worry, though, I know you're his- but… nothing else. I swear." And it was true. As much as he wished it were otherwise, what he told her was true. She still didn't look like she believed him.
"I'll believe that when you stop making heart-eyes at him every time he looks the other way- and when he's looking right at you, too. Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't cottoned on yet, and he's probably the most oblivious person I know when it comes to romance- you're as bad as Laf and Herc!"
"I seriously doubt that." John told her, feeling his ears go red at the accusations.
"It's true." she said, stubbornly. "And I haven't seen you two alone together- I bet you're twice as bad then. See, I know you're spending this evening with him, so I came here to make sure you understand his situation." She paused. Setting her cup on the counter, she sighed, bit her lip, and her expression softened slightly. "Alexander…" she started, then broke off. She turned and looked out of the window, fiddling with her straw. "He's been through some shit, ok? He doesn't like to talk about it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother him. He's lost a lot. A lot of people- people he cared about. And he cares about you, John." John opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. "Don't say it, you know it's true. And I know you care for him too, no matter what you say. So… so, please, don't fuck this up. I don't want to see him get hurt."
She was silent for a few moments, then turned back to him. "John, you should know- "
"Hey, John- Eliza! What are you doing here?" Alexander had ducked into the shop, black-star hoodie draped over him like a shawl, and was making his way over with a slightly nervous smile. "I thought you were on a date with Maria tonight."
"I will be- I just popped in for one of John's world-renowned caramel frapuccinos." Eliza answered, grinning back at him. Any trace of her worried frown was gone. It was a little unnerving. Alex, blissfully ignorant, tutted at her.
"You'll ruin your appetite, Liza."
"Worth it." The woman shrugged one shoulder, then headed for the door with a sunny smile. "I'll leave you to it." she called. "Bye, you guys."
"Bye." The two of them waved her through the door, losing sight as she stepped out into the darkness- and John didn't miss the hard look she shot him over Alex's head when the guy looked away. It made him feel guilty- which was stupid, he knew, he had nothing to be guilty for- and he felt the smile that had leapt onto his face at Alexander's arrival fade into nothing.
That had been a lot to digest.
What had she meant? Who had Alex lost- and how? Family members? Friends? Had he been abused, or mistreated, in a relationship? He felt his blood boil at the idea of it- someone hurting Alexander was out of the equation- it wasn't allowed to happen.
"Uh- John?" He blinked.
"Hmm?" Alexander had reached the counter, and was leaning on the edge, looking up at him- he seemed a little worried.
"Are you alright? You look like you're about to murder that coffee mug in cold blood."
"I- uh- no, I'm fine. Just… thinking."
"Bout what?"
"You." Shit. He hadn't meant to say that- oh shit oh shit o-
"Hey." Alex scoffed, cuffing his shoulder lightly. "Shut up. I can't be that bad."
What? Oh- the angry expression. Narrow escape, John.
He managed to bring a teasing smile to his face, and looked directly at Alexander's pouting expression, hand clenched behind the counter so hard his palm was numb.
"Ha- you'd be surprised. Can't believe I've got to spend the whole evening with you, while Laf and Herc go have fun together." He was careful to keep the sarcasm in his voice obvious. Alexander raised his eyebrows at him.
"Right, because eating dinner at a fancy restaurant after watching some ancient French play at the theatre is exactly your idea of fun." At that, John chuckled for real.
"Ok, ok, you got me. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not really in the mood to get wasted tonight, so I thought we could just go back to my place? If you don't mind- Jefferson won't be there, obviously, so we could hang out." Alex smiled widely.
"That sounds great." he said.
"Are you sure? I don't have a TV or anything, and it's not exactly big, so- "
"John, really- I just want to spend time with you." Alex was blushing slightly, but he was looking up at him hopefully and John just melted because… well, that comment made his stomach flutter a little.
"R-Right. Well, we can go soon- just, I need to wait for Madison to come take over."
"Yeah, I know. Can you get me an espresso while I wait?" Alexander made puppy-eyes at him, and John folded his arms.
"Hmmm, I don't know…" he drawled. "You'd have to ask really nicely…" That was a mistake, because Alex then adopted the most sultry pleading look he had ever seen, leaned towards him over the counter and whined, "Please, John… I'd owe you afavour." and John's whole body grew hot with his blush. Somewhere in the back of his mind he felt dimly surprised that he hadn't combusted on the spot, and then registered Alex's mischievous grin. He rolled his eyes as best he could and managed to stammer "I- uh- Alright, if you insist." and turned away to make the drink.
Shit, tonight was going to be difficult.
When Madison arrived, he was carrying a large box of Chinese takeaway, which he dumped on the counter with a sigh.
"Either of you two like Chinese?" he asked, looking around at the pair.
"Uh… yeah?" Alex answered. "Why?"
"Great, you can have this stuff then. Thomas went and ordered twice because he forgot he'd already done it." John snorted.
"Trust Jefferson. Is he drunk?"
"Yup." Madison sighed, letting the 'P' pop on his lips. "He's passed out on my couch. Didn't even eat the food he meant to order. But hey- " he shrugged. "The three of us got free dinner."
"Fair enough." John grinned and swapped his apron for the box. "Thanks, Madison."
"No problem." James smiled and gave a small wave as they left, sitting down behind the counter and pulling out his sketchbook. John grinned. Free food- nice.
They walked down the road side by side, going as quickly as they could without actually running because it had started to spit with rain. John noticed that Alexander was shivering with every step, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, and put his arm around his shoulders, pulling him to his side. Alex started and looked around at him in surprise. A grin then forming on his lips, he put his own arm on John's waist so that they were even closer, and raised his eyebrows.
"What, can't keep your hands off me, Laurens?" he teased.
No, no I really can't.
"Nope. You're so huggable. And you looked freezing, so…" He shrugged one shoulder. "Not used to the weather?" He saw surprise and something close to panic cross his friend's face, and Alex twisted around to look at him again, shoulder digging into John's collarbone.
"What? How did you- I didn't- uh- I…" he spluttered. Confused, John stopped walking.
"What's wrong?"
"I…" Alex exhaled slowly, apparently trying to calm himself down. "I- uh- didn't know you knew."
"Knew what? I just asked if you didn't like the cold, that's all." John frowned. "I'm not following you, Alex."
"But- but you said… oh, never mind, then." Alexander muttered, laced his freezing fingers with John's to pull him on along the road. Curious, but recognising a touchy subject when he saw one, John didn't press him to explain.
They reached the apartment without further incident, and Alex breathed a sigh of relief at the warmth when they stepped inside. Slipping off his shoes, John watched as he walked slowly into the space, eyes roving from the cluttered desk in the corner to the pride and BLM posters that papered the wall by his bed. He seemed almost in awe.
"Hey, c'mon, man- it's not all that." he said, knocking his shoulder against his. Alex looked around.
"Hmm? Oh- " he blushed. "I was just- you're an activist?"
"Sort of…" John considered. "I don't know- depends on what you mean by activist. I go to a lot of marches, and protests and stuff, and I donate when I can, but I don't do as much as I'd like."
"Hey, don't beat yourself up, these are really cool!" Alex protested, running a hand across the border of one of the posters. Then he looked around at him and grinned. "How does Jefferson feel about them?" John snorted at that.
"How d'you think?" he said. "Tried to get me to take them down, but, you know- my side, my rules. We drew that line first day." He pointed to the thick red line that had been painted down the exact centre of the floor; all of John's belongings were on one side, Thomas' on the other, and then there was a walkway to get to the door. "He still thinks I cheated him out of, like, ten square centimetres, but I have re-measured it several times, and I'll have you know I only cheated him out of eight point five." Alexander laughed at that, his eyes crinkling up, and John caught a glimpse of his wonky smile. Beautiful. His hair was coming out of its low, scrappy bun, a few long strands falling around his ears- it had grown longer in the time he'd known him, he was sure. It looked softer than ever in the warm light of his room, and he found himself remembering how soft it was- he'd run his fingers through it a number of times, though only at Alexander's request- and Alex had certainly seemed to enjoy it. Still, that didn't mean he could go grabbing fistfuls whenever he felt like it, and he told himself so sternly as his friend reached up and removed the band, letting it fall across his shoulders.
"You want to eat?" John asked him, leading the way into the kitchen and dumping the box of food onto the table. Alex pulled up a chair.
"Please." he grinned, then faltered. "I mean- if you want to, I don't want to rush you if you're not hungry." John frowned at the sudden rebound, but chose not to comment on it.
"I'm starving." he said firmly, tipping some of the food into a bowl and crossing to the microwave to heat it up. Then he turned and leaned on the counter, looking over at Alex with a grin. "So, how's your day been? Same old, same old?"
"Pretty much. Although…" a sly smile crept across Alex's face, "I do know why Jefferson was getting drunk tonight. I owned his ass in debate."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!" Alex punched a triumphant fist into the air. "We were debating women's rights, and he was so off-form, like, I don't even know. Maybe he was drunk already. Anyway, he was using some made-up bullshit statistics and saying stuff like 'Women just enjoy domestic jobs like Primary school teachers and babysitters more than other jobs, and they just happen to pay less.'- like, did you ask every woman in the world and draw an average, Jefferson? Because the looks on the faces of every woman here might suggest otherwise." John nodded sagely.
"Angelica would be proud."
"You bet!" Alex laughed. "And Eliza, too- she did this campaign back in ninth grade for equal opportunities in the school for different genders, and she made all these comparisons explaining how the system in the school mirrored that of the government- I helped her out with the research, so I've got a bank of knowledge. I think she'd be pretty disappointed in me if I didn't win that debate."
"Fair enough. So, does Jefferson always get drunk when he loses a debate?"
"Usually, according to Madison- and he's a pretty reliable source. I mean, I do the same when he beats me- which isn't often, I'll have you know."
"I'm sure." John assured him. "You- uh- " he quirked an eyebrow. "You ever drink to victory, too?" Alexander grinned.
"Maybe on special occasions."
"Well, it is Laf and Herc's official first date." John pointed out. "If that doesn't call for celebration, I don't know what does."
"True. What've you got? I am not doing shots tonight." Alex said firmly.
"Nah, nothing like that. How about my personal favourite…" John rummaged in the cupboard and pulled out two bottles of Sam Adams, offering one to Alex/
"Sounds great." He took it, pulling a glass towards him while John searched for the bottle opener. Once he found it, he popped the cap and chucked it to Alex, before taking a swig. He didn't bother with a glass tonight- he needed alcohol in his systemfast- maybe that would get his damn eyes to stop drifting down to Alex's lips when he talked, and lower, to the stretch of shoulder that his baggy hoodie exposed.
The microwave let out a beep, signalling that their food was done. John pulled the bowl out and grabbed a couple of forks from a drawer, heading back over to the table, where he dumped the food in between them and muttered 'bon appétit' Alex snorted.
"What?"
"Your accent." he giggled. "You sound like- the French version of a Southern drawl." John laughed too.
"Well, figures." he said. "We can't all be native speakers, now can we?" He exaggerated his natural accent, drawling as much as he could, and Alex snorted into the rice.
"Wait- figures? Are you from- "
"South Carolina, born and raised, baby." John shrugged, dropping into the chair opposite him.
"Really? I wouldn't have thought- I mean- you seem so…" He trailed off with a vague hand gesture. John raised one eyebrow, taking another mouthful of his drink.
"Are you referring to the fact that I am a raging homosexual?" He asked flatly. Alex shifted uncomfortably.
"Well… yeah?"
"Yeah- son of the Senator and all. Tried to send me to straight camp and everything." Alex chuckled.
"Let me guess- you left with a boyfriend?"
"Ha- I wish. Left with some emotional damage, a lot of hate for my dad, and just as gay as before."
"Thank goodness." Alex muttered. John laughed. His friend seemed to think for a second, his index finger circling the rim of his glass.
"Hang on… son of the Senator? As in- Senator Henry Laurens? That Laurens?"
"As in, the outrageously sexist, homophobic, racist, generally bigoted prick that calls himself a politician and claims he only has two sons? That's the one." Alexander's eyes were wide.
"Shit, man. That sucks."
"Don't need to tell me." John muttered, swigging his beer. His tactic didn't seem to be working, as Alexander's lips were looking more and more delicious by the minute- He forced his eyes back up to the rest of his friend's face, which was furrowed in a frown.
"Jeez, man, I know, like, nothing about you." he said, blinking up at him. Then a smile lit up his face for a second as an idea popped into his head. "Hey- we should play Infinity Questions!"
"Infinity Questions?"
"Yeah- it was this game me and Maria came up with for learning new stuff about people- when we stared college. We played each other when she finally started dating Eliza. It's kind of like Truth or Dare, except you can only pick Truth."
"So… you ask me a question, and I answer it?" John asked, quirking one eyebrow. "No offense, Alex, but that's not the mostoriginal- "
"Doesn't matter." Alex cut him off. "It works. What do you say?"
"I don't know…" John said, a little worried about revealing too much of his personal life to Alexander- like the fact that he had a real thing for long hair, or, like, exactly how much he wanted to kiss him.
So maybe the alcohol wasn't the best idea.
"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Alex whined, leaning on his elbows on the table. John took one look at his face and melted, slumping down next to him with a sigh. The grin that split his friend's face made his insides heat up.
"Okay, fine." he groaned. "We'll take turns asking questions, so it's fair, and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, kay?"
"Sounds good to me. Uuuhh… I've got nothing, actually. You go first."
"Hey, no fair. Your idea, you go first." Alex pouted at him, blowing his hair out of his eyes.
"Oh, fine." he said. "I don't know, like… what Hogwarts house are you in?" John let out a snort of laughter.
"That's what you're opening with?"
"It's a very important question, John."
"Okay, okay- take a wild guess, Alex. I'm a Gryffindor through and through."
"What, cause they're the good guys?"
"No, because I'm ridiculously idealistic, brave to the point of verging on stupidity and charge into shit I can't handle cause I feel like it's the 'right' thing to do."
"Fair enough." Alex seemed satisfied. John took a large bite of food, and said "Yourself" through his mouthful.
"Oh, easy. Sssssslythein, baby, down to the bone." That made sense. His intellect might have initially pegged him as a Ravenclaw, but coupling it with his cunning and creative thinking, not to mention a tendency to work himself to death if it meant completing his goals- yeah, it made sense. He certainly had the ambition.
"Ok, your turn." John said. Alex chewed slowly, thinking.
"What's your… uh… what's your middle name?"
"I don't have one." Alex's eyes widened.
"You don't?"
"Nope. Just John Laurens."
"Weird." Alex said, scrunching up his nose in a frown.
"Well, what's yours, then?"
"Lin-Manuel."
"Right. And that's not weird at all."
They continued to fire questions at each other as they ate, some laughable, some more serious- a couple of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' in the middle ("You'd fuck Donald Trump?" "Hey, maybe if I turned him gay, he'd start supporting LGBT+ rights- or I could seduce him and make him follow my every command. It's a small price to pay for the good of our nation." "I'll rephrase that: You wouldn't kill Donald Trump?" "Listen, dude, it's him or Jefferson. We both know who has to go."), and were giggling helplessly by the time they had finished their meal.
The beer was definitely starting to go to both of their systems, and it wasn't long before they found themselves sitting side by side on John's bed in their pyjamas, Alexander wrapped up in two blankets to try and keep him warm, arguing about the social benefits of every person in the world suddenly becoming blind.
"I mean, it'd be a big boost for people who were already blind." Alexander was saying. "They'd have a clear advantage."
"That's true. But can you imagine the chaos, Alex? Sure, maybe in the long term there could be benefits, but seven billion people suddenly trying to navigate without what is arguably the most important of our senses- the deaths, Alex, just think about it."
"I do see your point- but that would also solve the problem of exponential population growth. And think about how many social problems it would solve, too! No-one would need make-up, or be able to judge by appearances- say goodbye to trans people having to work so hard to pass- and racism, John! If you can't see what colour a person's skin is, you can't judge them for it! It'd be genius!"
"People could still judge on name, ethnicity, and religion, though." John pointed out.
"I'm not saying it's perfect, John, but it would be an improvement. "And think about the body shaming issues! No more judging people because they're ugly or overweight or don't wear enough make-up- or wear too much make-up- think about it!" John thought about it.
"Yeah, that would be an improvement." he admitted. "To think- no one would know if I hadn't brushed my hair for a week- or be able to see my freckles, or- " Alexander sat up a little straighter, looking confused.
"What do you mean? That's a bad thing- or are you telling me you don't like your freckles?" His eyes widened even further when John shook his head uncomfortably, drink-flushed cheeks and tousled hair making him the very picture of incredulous surprise. He took John's face in his hands and looked straight into his eyes. John could smell the beer and the Chinese on his breath, and the lavender shampoo he used.
"Ok. My next question is: Why don't you like your freckles? They're gorgeous, John."
"I- uh- " Gorgeous. He felt his face heat up, from the words as well as the proximity.
"Aren't you supposed to be an artist?" Alex was continuing, "Surely you can tell how pretty they are- your eye for interesting people and all that?"
"I just… you don't think they look weird?" Alex shook his head.
"Why would I? Why do you? You still haven't answered my question."
"I… There's just so many of them." John shrugged. "They're all crowded and jumbled everywhere- I can see how a few could be cute, but I look like I've broken out in hives or something." Alex leaned back from him, staring.
"You are blind, John Laurens." he said, shaking his head. "There's no other explanation. Your freckles are beyond cute, ok? They look like… they're…" He frowned, apparently trying to find the right word. "They're like stars." he said, finally.
John, you've got stars on your nose.
Alex had leaned over again, and he was tracing his fingers lightly over the freckles that dotted his shoulders. John took a second to thank the heavens that he'd decided to wear such a low-cut T-shirt, allowing this to happen, but then Alexander's roaming hand had skated down to his collarbone, the fingernails catching slightly, and his mind was immediately wiped of anything else; he breathed in sharply, and Alex seemed to start out of a daze and pulled his hand away, blushing.
"Sorry." he muttered. "That was- uh… They really are beautiful, John. I swear. John was still too dazed to reply.
After a few uncomfortable moments, Alex muttered. "Your turn."
"O- Okay." John shook himself into alertness and tapped his chin, leaning his back against the wall. "Do you… have any siblings?" Alex shrugged one shoulder. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I technically have a brother, but I haven't seen him for over a decade. No idea where he is now. And I have a sister. She's- uh- " he scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. "She's not really… around any more." Realization hitting him, John felt a rush of guilt.
"Oh- shit- sorry, Alex, I should've- "
"Nah, it's fine. What about you? Do you have any?" John nodded.
"Four. Martha, James, Mary-Eleanor, and Henry Jr." He counted them off on his fingers. "Martha's studying in France right now, but the other three still live with our dad." He couldn't stop the grimace that crossed his face- and he was sure Alexander hadn't missed it. The suspicion was confirmed when he asked "You don't get on?"
"With my dad? No. He's a dick."
"Ah. That sucks." John shrugged.
"Yeah, but what can you do? A lot of other kids have it worse." Alex didn't appear to have an answer to that.
"Your turn." he said. "I just had two."
"Okay… Favourite ice cream flavour?"
"Coffee." he said, promptly. "You?" John couldn't hold back a chuckle.
"Figures. I like strawberry. Or honey- that's great, but you can't often get the good stuff." Alexander shrugged.
"I've never tried honey ice cream."
"You what?" John mock-gasped. "That is a serious injustice, Alexander, and one I intend to put right as soon as possible. Remind me next time we're up at the Grind-Stone; there's a great parlour across the street."
"In November?"
"There is never a bad time for ice cream, Alexander." Alex giggled.
"Fair enough. Um…. How d'you meet Laf and Herc?"
"Through school. Didn't go to the same one - my father sent me to this fancy private place in New York from when I was like nine. Think he already knew I was going to be trouble, you know? Laf and Herc used to hang out in the park outside and throw shit at the asshole students, and I was walking home one day and got a muffin to the back of the head." Alexander snorted, and John grinned fondly at the memory. "Couple of days later, they saw me cussing out Charles Lee and decided maybe I wasn't so bad after all, and we got close pretty quickly. They were probably the main thing that kept that school from brainwashing me- they'd knock me off my high horse, so to speak, if I was getting snobby about something. Gotta thank them for that." Alexander was looking incredulously at him.
"You, snobby? I don't believe it."
"You'd better. A little money and a father like that goes a long way to a kid's head." A few seconds of silence, then-
"Your turn." Alex said. He thought for a moment.
"Uh… Why d'you break up with Eliza? Seems like you two would have worked well together."
Ok, sue him, he was curious.
Alex shrugged again, giving a non-committal sort of grunt.
"We just didn't work like that. I don't think I ever, like, liked her in the first place- she was just so great and fun and interesting and beautiful, and I thought 'well, I must be in love with her', cause why wouldn't I be, you know? And we went on 'dates', but we were just hanging out, really, and we realised that pretty quickly. So, we kept hanging out, but as friends. Oh- Maria might have had something to do with it, too." John raised an eyebrow.
"She try to break you up?" Alex snorted.
"Nah, she didn't know either of us back then- we were just both crushing on her from afar. It turned into a kind of competition. Liza won, obviously." He pouted, apparently still annoyed about it. Awkwardly, John gave a chuckle and nudged his shoulder.
"Hey, I bet you put up a great fight."
"Sure did. 's not like I had much chance, though, since Maria's gay and all."
"That probably did put you at a disadvantage." John acknowledged. Alex laughed.
"A little. Speaking of gay- " John raised his eyebrows incredulously at the segway, "When… when did you know you were gay? Or- not straight, at least." John frowned. That was a tricky one. Alex looked suddenly worried, and hurried to backtrack. "Oh- shit, sorry, I shouldn't pry, I just- "
"Alex, it's fine. I'm just thinking."
"Oh. Okay." Alex sat up, cross-legged, and watched him. John thought hard.
"It…" he said, after a few moments, "It depends on what you mean by 'know'. I guess I knew for a long time, in the back of my mind, but I didn't want to admit it to myself- what with how my father is. I knew he'd- that he wouldn't accept me- that he'd hate me, so I didn't want it to be true. You know?"
"Shit, that sucks, man."
"Yeah. But then he hated me anyway, so it wasn't so much of a problem any more. And it got a lot easier, when I came up here- met Laf and Herc and everyone; they really helped me to sort of… come out to myself."
"That's great- having accepting friends really helps, I guess, even if your family's not so… supportive." Alex mused, slumping over so that he was lying on his back on John's bed. John lay down too, resting his chin on his arms.
"Yeah. Having gay friends doesn't hurt either, you know." Alex laughed.
"That's true. Do we have any friends that aren't queer?"
"Uuuuh- let me think." He ran through the list in his head- it wasn't a particularly long one. "I… no, I don't think so. Jeez, guess we do flock together. Hey- wait- Aaron! He's straight, right?" Alex grinned and shook his head.
"Nope- bi."
"How do you know?"
"He told me."
"No way. Aaron Burr voluntarily gave personal information about himself? I don't believe it."
"Well, I told him first, and he was like 'me too'. So, I guess it wasn't as weird."
"I guess." He shifted onto his side. "Hey, budge over, will you? Your elbows are sharp." Alex scooted away from him across the bed with a muttered "Sorry."- until he was practically hanging off the end. John reached out and pulled on his arm.
"Hey, you don't need to go that far. Here- " Without really thinking, he slipped an arm under Alexander's waist and flipped them both over so that Alex was next to the wall- Alexander squeaked in surprise and he felt panic grip him. Shit. "I- uh- sorry… didn't really… think that one through, did I." Alex stared at him for a few seconds, eyes still wide with surprise, and then he laughed. John's heart felt like a swelling balloon in his chest. He could feel the vibrations of the sound through the knuckles of his left hand, which was resting lightly against Alexander's ribs, and his other hand was still firmly on the man's waist, warm and soft and close. Alexander's feet, which were brushing lightly against his own, were absolutely freezing, and, a little hesitantly, he shifted closer to him. Alex curled a little against him, bringing his own hands up to rest against John's chest. John prayed that he hadn't heard his breath hitch, couldn't feel his heart-rate quickening- Alex was so damn close, he could feel the air mingling between them. They both smelled like shitty Chinese takeaway, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
"Who can't keep their hands off now?" he managed, and felt more than heard a snort leave Alex's nose.
"Shut up, you're warm."
"And you're freezing." John shot back. He couldn't help remembering the last time Alexander had told him that. The circumstances were a little too similar for his liking.
At least you're not on top of him this time.
"Hang on, I'm going to get more blankets so you don't turn into a popsicle overnight." Somewhat reluctantly, he pushed himself out of the bed and padded down the hall, ignoring Alex's protests, to fetch them. He had a pile in the cupboard under the stairs- but they were right at the back, so he had to crawl almost entirely inside to-
*CRASH*
He started and knocked his head against a water pipe as the thunder growled from outside. Evidently, he hadn't noticed the wind and rain picking up, but, as he pulled out two blankets and kicked the door closed, staring out of the window, he found that he could barely see the glare of the streetlight outside it.
Wow.
He'd always rather liked listening to rain, so he made his way over to it and breathed in contentedly. The smell of rain, too, was something he loved- how could something smell cold? It was cold, too, though- by the window- so he headed back into the bedroom with the blankets in his arms-
-to find Alexander completely frozen with fear.
He was sitting up on the bed, the duvet tangled around his ankles, and he was as white as a sheet, his breathing coming in short, high bursts. His jaw was locked, his hands balled into fists, staring straight ahead at nothing with wide, terrified eyes. He didn't look at John as he stumbled to the bed, dropping the blankets, but grabbed at his hands desperately tightly when John went to hold onto them, coming dangerously close to crushing his fingers.
John felt fear seize his gut. He had only seen something like this a couple of times before. James Madison had used to get like this sometimes- if he was in a big crowd, or a lot of people were shouting at once, he'd curl up into his shell and go pale and sickly like this. It didn't happen much, though, and it was always Burr that helped him out.
John didn't know what he was supposed to do.
"Alex? Alex, can you hear me?" he asked, trying to keep his own voice steady. "Just nod or shake, ok- can you hear me?" He nodded. Ok. Good. "Ok. Ok, that's good. Now, why are you afraid? Is it because of the storm?" Alex nodded hard at that, flinching and tightening his grip when another crash of thunder rattled the blinds. John rubbed his thumbs over the backs of his hands, trying to reassure himself as much as Alex. "You're doing so well, Alex, I just need you to look at me now, alright? Just look a little to your right- look at me, ok? Good. We are safe. The storm's not coming in here. I promise." The words didn't seem to reassure Alexander, who merely stared at him, wide-eyed with panic, his jaw clenched shut and his hands starting to shake again.
What was it that Burr used to do with Madison? He had a little trick- John was sure of it, and he struggled to remember. If James got caught in a crowd, or felt overwhelmed and clammed up like Alex was doing, he would take his hands and… and he counted. That was right- he counted, got James to breath in time with his words, anchored him. It was worth a shot.
"Alexander, can you still hear me?" He nodded.
"Ok, I'm going to count to ten now, alright? I need you to breathe while I'm counting- and then out when I count down again. Can you do that?" He nodded again, shakily, never taking his eyes from John's face.
Breath, John. Alex needs you right now.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten." he counted slowly, and Alexander inhaled in time with the words. "Good." John told him, running a hand through his hair to try and soothe his shaking form. "Now out again. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one." His breath ended in a shudder, and John moved his hand to Alex's back and pulled him as close as he could, feeling him curl into the crook of his shoulder. His heart was like a hummingbird. "Good, good, that's great, Alex. In again, ok? One, two, three, four…"
He lost count of the cycles. The wind howled outside and shook the shutters, and the thunder made Alex jump every single time, while, thankfully, having his head buried in John's chest meant that he couldn't see the lightning. He lost count of the pointless, useless, reassuring words that spilled from his lips at the end of each rotation, lost count of the firm, steady circles that his own hands traced onto Alex's back, useless, useless- he lost count of the sobs that wracked Alexander's form- sobs that morphed eventually into whimpered words- "All my fault, all my fault, come back, come back, they're not coming back, never coming back and it's my fault, John, all gone, all gone, all gone, all- all my fault, they're never coming back, John, never coming- John, John, they're- " and he would hug him tighter, as if that could help at all. He'd never felt so helpless.
Eventually, Alex's breathing was becoming more regular, but he still wasn't showing any signs of letting go. John rested his chin on the top of his head, a few stray hairs tickling his chin, and said, "Do you think you can count with me this time, Alex?" He felt a hesitant nod against his now tear-soaked shirt, and Alexander pulled back slightly to allow himself breathing room. "Just quietly, ok? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight, nine, breath out- ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five four, three, two,breath in- one, two three…" Alex counted with him, his voice hoarse and hesitant, but present nonetheless. After a few minutes of repeating this, the tension in his body was beginning to relax, the hands gripping John's shirt loosening slightly as his heart-rate started to steady. Another roll of thunder caused him to clench up again, however, and John had never cursed anything so hard in his life.
Quite suddenly, an idea came to him.
"How do you count to ten in French, Alex?" he asked, rubbing his shoulders slowly. There were a few moments' hesitation, before a timid voice floated up from around his breastbone.
"Un, deux , trois, quatre, cinq , six, sept , huit, neuf , expirez." Alex whispered.
"Good, Alex, that's really good. Can you count down again?" A nod, then-
"Dix, neuf , huit, sept , six, cinq, quatre , trois, deux , inspirez." A breath. "Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…"
He continued for a while, John joining in after a time, despite knowing his pronunciation was horrible- and it seemed to be getting closer to working. John continued to murmur his quiet word of encouragement in between rotations, and Alex's heart-rate was returning to normal. At the end of one, he broke off in a kind of half-sob, gripping John's shirt again and tensing up- John rubbed up and down his arms as gently as he could, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.
"You're doing so well, Alex, so well, it's almost done, I promise, it's almost over- " And, indeed, the storm was retreating. The wind was dying down and the thunder growing further from the lightening with every passing minute. Still, he couldn't let up now. "Can you tell me in Spanish, Alex?" he asked. "Tell me in Spanish, go on- you were so good at teaching me the French." Alex took a shuddering breath and looked up at him, finally, with red-rimmed, watering eyes. He licked his lips, before croaking-
"Uno, dos , tres, cuatro, cinco , seis, siete , ocho, nueve , exhala. Diez, nueve , ocho, siete , seis, cinco , cuatro, tres, dos ,inhale. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete…"
It wasn't long after that that he seemed to come back into himself. The storm had quietened to barely a rustle outside, and he stopped counting, sitting perfectly still with his head still pressed against John's chest. His breathing was steadying, his hands too, and he sighed against him, drooping down towards the mattress. John made to let go and position him more comfortably, but he held tightly to his shirt and murmured "No dejar ir." John may not have understood the words, but the meaning was clear. He wrapped his arms around him again and lay them both down so that Alexander was wedged closely between his own body and the wall. Alexander was warm, and near-unconscious, and his breathing was slowing gradually to a snore. Relief coursed like oxygen though John's veins- he was ok. Alex was safe, and he was going to be ok.
He had no idea how late it was. The storm could have lasted for minutes, or years, it wouldn't have made a difference to him- what mattered right now was that Alex was safe, that he could make sure he was alright. In his drowsy state, he allowed himself to curl around the man even further, surrounding him on all the sides not covered by the wall, and with his long arms wrapped around him like a moat. Alex was safe. He could keep Alex safe.
Just as he was dropping off, he thought he heard Alex murmur something against his skin- but then, he could've imagined it. He wasn't even sure what the second part of it meant- he knew the first was 'Thank you', but after that, no clue. It sounded content, murmured like a prayer into his neck as Alex drifted into sleep- warm and dry and safe. No storm. He was safe.
He was going to be alright.
"Gracias, querida. Te amo, John, te amo."
Whatever. It probably wasn't important.
*SOooo I went through and (mostly) corrected the formatting on this fic instead of actually writing it haha. ha. Ha
Also edited John and Alex's scene with Madison in Chap 7 cause Madz felt really out of character and it was bugging me. So if you want to go read those three sentences,, , feel free…
Hope you enjoyed!*
