(Long) Author's Note: Hello, everyone! And welcome back!
Okay, so I know that the Ray arc was quite long, given that it was actually just two episodes, but I felt like it was very essential to get the setting right, especially for Josh's character and how he turns from my vagabond to a domestic werewolf. Furthermore, I wanted to have a bit of Aidan's jealousy there, which I think worked well with Ray as his immediate competition over Josh, while at the same time I intended it to set their relationship more firmly. They overcame this by accepting that neither one is weak or needy, even though they depend on each other. After Aidan saved him in my little arc, I wanted it to be a bit more balanced.
And I know that we're already a few chapters into the story, but I want this relationship to develop along the lines of the canon, while making loops here and there when it comes to my own AU. So yes, this is a long way to the slash, but as this chapter hopefully makes clear in the intro – that's what love is all about ;) This takes up where the last chapter left off with, but it's only loosely based on the next episodes. Things just happen the way they do on the series.
So in this chapter, I get a bit of love spread out. Butterflies and werewolf puppies^^
Mini-spoiler (don't like, don't read): I know I changed the ending scene, but I felt it would be more slashy like this.
I hope you'll like it ;)
Read, review, and hopefully enjoy ;)
Probably all of us still remember the first crush. The first love. First time holding hands.
First kiss.
This magical time when everything was shed into shades of pink, when world seemed a brighter place.
Sparks were flying everywhere.
But that is just childhood, the youth, right? Later on, it's no longer this magical. You have experience, because no matter what, you always end up comparing one partner to the next. And that is what makes it for the first kiss to be so memorable ever so easy. We don't have a chance to compare it, and we don't even try. We put it on a pedestal and claim it to be the one true love. We still think of it as such when it was in truth just a sloppy get-together of lips, sometimes even with unprofessional tongue, behind the school building, down some shady alley, in the grass and you were over with ants as a result.
Just so damn perfect.
And now as the adults we often, sometimes are? Sparks fly, yes, but they often catch fire – and not always in a positive way, because it's not necessarily the fire of passion, but simply... fire. And fire burns, destroys, let's not forget that.
But still, we find ourselves as stupid teenagers or children again, having a total crush, all the way from blushing over squealy voices to sweaty palms and talking gibberish. Because deep down, we still hope we can somehow recreate this one (im-)perfect moment of our youth.
Because we are just that bloody romantic.
TV screwed us with its wrong concept of love with fountains, elevators and love at first sight. That Lady just has to walk past the man of her dreams and she knows, deep down, and bam, is a teen again, getting her first kiss, getting taste of first love all over, the man picks her up, carries her to a better life. Happy Ending.
Just how ridiculous are we?
Those romances mess with us because most of us don't realize that they don't show what's really the problem. Fine, you can fall in love at first sight, but that's so damn easy. It's biology. It's in our genes to seek a mating partner. Society did the rest and put the label "love" on it, when it once was no more than a partnership of convenience. Friends with benefits is no concept that only came about with the sexual liberation these days, it's back to the roots what our forefathers and mothers did all the while. But maybe we are just too far evolved in our social qualities that we can't regard love for something as basic as sex alone. Fine, still, that's what Hollywood does with us. We are always presented with this getting to know bearing the "love label", at least in most of the cases.
How often does a plot summary start with: Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy? Think about it. And even if we don't stick to heterosexual love, it's still the same. One meets the other. They overcome one big dramatic crisis together, and bam, they are ready to live on for the rest of their life together happily ever after.
Again, seriously, people?
Because the hard part is not that cheap drama, it's what the movie doesn't show us, what would come after the closing credits. How those two make it through years of learning everything about each other, when everything is stuck in routine. When the partner gets too thin or too fat or bald or changes the hair color every three weeks so that you don't recognize him or her anymore. Has different friends whom you hate and you know who gossip over you, with your partner. When kids get in the way of any romance, and thus in the way of biological needs, too. When you get a dog to somehow compensate your frustration and that critter just pisses and shits on your new rug.
The real challenge is not to love someone at first sight.
It's about living with that person, and really living with that person 24/7 and not end up killing the partner for his or her antics. For making it through sickness and health, through the vicious cycles of normalcy and boredom, through lack of passion, and yes, through all the hate that you inevitably develop for your partner. Because you hate him for leaving his socks everywhere. Because you hate her for taking that long in the bathroom when you really need to loo and you feel any damn urge to just do what that compensation-critter does all the while and claim that he did it.
Love is fight. Fight your urges to take that knife, fight not to go when you really want to, fight to come back when you don't want to, fight to look the partner in the eye again after he or she made a mistake, many mistakes, cheated, betrayed, searched that tiny spark in another person's arms just to set the real partner on fire. Love is to hold on, to forgive, to stick together even when the world collapses around you.
Crush at first sight, fine, okay, that can happen – and it's great. That is what brings people together.
But true love at first sight really is a myth.
If you love someone, you spend all your time with him or her. Live with that person for half a year and if you can still picture a future together without getting the cooking knife out, if you still think that person is worth the fight, then you have good chances.
Maybe you will have your movie moments even after the closing credits, if you work together, if you fight together to stay to together.
Maybe you don't go down and burn.
But... just maybe.
Josh is... in love, well... maybe. He is not too sure yet, but it feels well like it.
He has a crush, let's go with that for now.
Nora Sergeant.
She is by no means like his fiancée – not that Josh ever plans to say that out loud, though he fears he will now end up doing it because he thought about it... doesn't matter. Nora is a nurse at the hospital, beautiful, smart, strong, but also tough. The first time he saw her... she yelled at him.
So yeah... it's one-sided. Josh sees that, and his futile attempts of a flirt in the cafeteria proved to be just as fruitless as the applesauce they try to sell them as actually containing apples.
However, Josh sees that he might have a chance – and once again, it was nothing he expected. He just went to see some patients, something he usually does. Some of them are just so lonely – and Josh can relate to it. He knows how it tears you apart, and that is why he said to himself that now with the job at the hospital, he would still try to make it better for other people. If only just a cup of tea, a clap on the shoulder, asking about the grandchildren or bringing them a small bouquet.
Josh is a man of details after all. He pays attention to the small things, even if it makes him lose sight of the bigger picture at times.
Well, and Nora caught him talking to one of his favorite patients and of course she was all over him for trying to steal her patients, but this time Josh knew she wouldn't win because all he had to say was that it was his free day – he left her completely speechless, and if he is not completely rusty in reading people, then she was speechless in a positive sense.
So yeah, he has a crush... the problem is... that he has a crush. He didn't live in celibacy for the past two years because he found it funny or enjoyed it. He did it for a reason, so...
How do you get rid of a crush again?
Picturing her in underwear will hardly work... and that's supposed to help against nervousness anyways, though Josh never got that trick. If he pictures all people naked, then he just blushes, wants to turn away, and acts like a stupid teenager. He is not afraid of human anatomy, and he has no trouble seeing a patient naked when treating him or her, but... well, maybe it's a bit of a trauma that he always has to play stripper for his wolf.
So here Josh sits on the couch and thinks what he can do to get rid of this crush, discreetly and politely.
But how do you do that?!
…
Aidan makes his way home after the shift. He is glad that he is finally good with Josh again, really, he couldn't be gladder to have his best friend back, but ever since his conversation with her, Rebecca remains missing.
Because he misses her.
It honestly hurt Aidan that she took off, after all he tried to do for her. Of course it will always stay between them that he gave Bishop a way to turn her, but Aidan was really trying anything he could to be her the alpha she deserved. He wanted to show her the clean way, the better way, the human way. The hell, he even offered her to move in together, but she just ran away from this responsibility, from him.
She is the kind of love that hurts. For once, Aidan would really like to simply have a simple relationship with someone, but with someone who wants the same, someone who doesn't just take, but also gives. Someone who is devoted to him the same way he devotes himself to a relationship.
That is why he usually ends up with one-night-stands and short romances, taking the threat of blood cravings aside for a second. For as long as it's just about crushes, about liking each other, it's okay. You have sex once, but don't call – no feelings hurt. You take off the next morning, maybe you even have breakfast together. But that's it. That is actually a nice solution most of the time, just that...
just that he really would like to have something real for once.
And he had hoped that he had found it in Rebecca, but that was just an illusion, seemingly.
Maybe his concept of love isn't working out after all.
But where do you find someone that unconditionally devoted to you, when even one of your kind won't stick around?
Aidan shakes his head as he opens the door, finding Josh sitting on the couch. That alone wouldn't be surprising, but it is more of the fact that the TV is switched off, that there are no magazines or books, and Aidan knows that Josh's antiquity show is on now.
It's funny how fast you know about another person's antics when you live together.
"Hey," he greets as he gets out of his jacket.
"Hey," Josh replies, his eyes still fixed on the photoless frame on their wall. Aidan flops down beside him on the couch, "What? Don't you ask me how my day was, darling?"
"Me how my day was, darling?" Josh snorts.
"Ahaha, almost funny," Aidan snorts.
"So, darling, how was your day? Did something interesting happen?" Josh grins, though his eyes are still fixed on the picture frame.
"Not really," Aidan shrugs. "This one patient, Mr. Finnigan, just yelled random sentences at me. I don't know what the hell he wanted from me."
"Oh yeah, he constantly quotes the Canterbury Tales. Every day a new one," Josh nods.
"... how do you know that?" Aidan makes a face.
"I read those stories?" Josh shrugs as if it was the most obvious thing on earth. "It actually helps if you throw some quote from the tales at him. That usually works for me."
"I will remember that," Aidan nods. Really, Josh is the man for the details. "But you're okay? Or why are you staring at the wall?"
Another antic that Aidan discovered. Josh seemingly likes to just... look at things when he is brooding. He watches windows at sunset, rusty ceilings, walls, empty picture frames, and Aidan caught Josh a few times now when he just sits outside on the steps and watches the stars.
Even if some of Josh's kinks are just quirky, most of them have something... almost magical, at least they have in Aidan's eyes. Josh is the man for the details.
Josh slouches down on the couch with a sigh. Aidan copies his movement almost unconsciously.
"It's about Nora," Josh admits.
"The nurse who thought you were sexually harassing her?" Aidan makes a face. He saw that flirt... even he had to cringe.
Josh nods, "I think I like her... and after I managed not to suck making an impression for once... I think she is at least no longer thinking that I want to sexually harass her."
"Well, ugh... isn't that... good?" Aidan grimaces.
"I guess it would be if I did not turn a furry anger monster once a month," Josh shrugs.
"You won't let that go, will you?" Aidan snorts.
"What?" Josh makes a face.
"I told you before, and by the way, I'm really that much of an amazing friend to even talk about the topic with you like that, but you can have sex without turning a wolf. You know, just don't have sex on the full moon," Aidan huffs. Josh just rolls his eyes, but the vampire ignores it, "I mean, you spent the last two years without any so such contact – and trust me, that's not helping you. You should really... and I can't believe that I'm having this conversation... have a one-night-stand, you know? To get back on the horse... that came out really weird."
Josh chuckles, but soon is back to his brooding face.
"I don't do one-night-stands," Josh argues.
"What? It's damn perfect, especially for a guy like you. No responsibilities, no fear that the girl comes to you on that certain occasion...," Aidan argues.
"But I don't want that," Josh shakes his head.
"Well, then even if one-night-stands are not your thing, even a relationship should be possible. If you like Nora, then... go for it. Just don't see her on the full moon," Aidan huffs.
"I don't want a relationship like that," Josh argues. "I don't want a relationship that's based on lies. And that would be the case. I mean... I can't just be like: 'Hi, my name is Josh. I'm an orderly at the hospital. Oh yeah, and by the way, I am a werewolf. Wanna have a date with me?' So I would have to keep it from her – and that's really no good basis for a relationship."
"You don't necessarily lie to her, you just don't tell her certain things," Aidan shrugs.
"As I said, I like Nora... I think... I... I would like to be... with... her... but how are you with someone if one part is constantly pulling you the other direction? I would always be forced to think about every statement I make, if I make a flaw in my story – and that's the breaking point. I don't want my life to be a story. I want it to be a life, a real one," Josh tells him.
"We're pretending normal all the while," Aidan argues.
"Outside. Here we talk about all this shit, drink blood from mugs and even accidentally turn here on occasion. But in here... we are us," Josh argues. "But if I can't talk about this to her, too, then... then she will always be just one from the outside. How would you have a serious relationship with someone if that's the state of affairs?"
"You're asking questions...," Aidan sighs.
"I'm just... not made for... one-night-stands and short relationships and all that. I'm... I'm... devoted," Josh shrugs.
"W, what do you mean?" Aidan makes a face, trying to keep the surprise out of his voice that Josh just says out loud what he has thought about when he made his way home. And he even feels a little embarrassed at the realization that Josh just, without knowing it, said that he is what Aidan is asking for.
Such a coincidence, right?
... right?
"Look, throughout my life I had three relationships in total," Josh begins.
"That's not how you usually boast about your conquests, man," Aidan snorts.
"And that's not the intention either," Josh snorts. "What I mean to say is that I never do things halfway. The heck, with my first relationship I was together for over a year – and that was the girl I took to Senior prom," Josh sighs.
"Okay," Aidan makes a face.
"I didn't want to just take some girl to prom. I wanted to take my girl to prom. That means I properly courted her since Junior year. That is what I mean. I'm that devoted," Josh explains.
"Goodness sake. If you come me now that you are still a virgin, then...," Aidan grimaces, but Josh interrupts him, fighting a blush, "I lost my virginity at a normal age and the frequency of such activity while in a steady relationship was more than sufficient and... not of concern here."
"It gladly isn't," Aidan rolls his eyes. "But now I'm curious. What happened to your Prom Queen?"
"Well, as I said, first real love and all. We had prom together, graduation, full ride. The problem was that she went to a different college, so we had to go with long-distance relationship," Josh explains. "And at first it really worked out pretty well, you know, phone calls, writing letters and visiting each other... That was until I made a surprise visit – just to catch her with the 'friend' who actually encouraged me back in High School to date her."
"Ouch," Aidan grimaces. That always hurts.
First love can really suck at times.
"I hope you got back at her?" Aidan asks.
"Well, at first I just got back at him... I told his girlfriend. She kicked him in the nuts so hard he was a crying mess for over thirty minutes. That was definitely fun to watch," Josh grins. Aidan chuckles at the picture in his head.
"And the girl?" he questions.
"I signed her up for all kinds of spam so that her e-mail account was flooded with it, and I had jerky delivered to her every day for about a month coz she was strict vegan. Plus, I registered her to some sex toys and sex magazines deliveries...," Josh explains. "Just that I gave them the neighbor's address so that they knocked on her door to give her the stuff."
Aidan can't help but crack up laughing at it.
"She surely had it coming," he grins.
"Oh, she definitely did," Josh agrees.
"What about the second relationship?" Aidan asks.
"That was... the shortest I had and was when I was still fresh in college. It lasted for three months. I broke up with her once I found out that she was stealing my money," Josh shrugs.
"Oh my," Aidan sighs. Josh really seems to be very unlucky when it comes to that. Well, at least Josh has him and Sally now. They won't ever betray him like that.
"It surely was fun to make a call to her mom to tell her that her daughter is probably pregnant with my child and on the run to Mexico," Josh shrugs. Aidan hides his face against the backrest with a grin.
"You really take it serious with getting revenge," he snickers.
"As I said, I took all those relationships very seriously. So it really hurt me to find out that they didn't even care," Josh shrugs. Aidan nods. He gets that. If you invest that much in a relationship, you want your partner to at least try to meet you halfway...
Isn't that also what he thought about while getting home?
Coincidences, so many today!
"The thing is that I am like this in a relationship. I can't go halfway," Josh sighs. "The same with Julia. I mean... I even went to that Spanish course for starters with her."
"Well, learning Spanish is not the almost bad. It's better than a knitting club or so," Aidan shrugs.
"... I had four years of Spanish back in High School, mi español es muy bien, amigo. I did some other things, too, just to spend time with her, joining clubs and all... The hell, I even befriended with all her friends just to be close to her. My friend who got killed by Ray was no one I knew from my High School time. He was the fiancé of Julia's friend. I mean, not that I regret that. I never had many friends to show, and even those I did have were no good friends, but... what I mean to say is that I did that to be with her. I don't do things halfway," Josh shrugs.
"But you're in a new situation now," Aidan argues.
"But I'm still me," Josh argues, well, of course he is changed now, but not everything is. He still likes cooking and cleaning. He still has OCD. He still loves antiquity shows and Star Wars. Even if he is more of a shadow of his former self, he is still part of it.
"Well, then change pattern," Aidan shrugs.
"I can't just change pattern the way I want, Aidan, that's just who I am, I guess. I don't want to have a relationship that's only about that. I mean... okay, let's say I'd go with a loose kind of relationship, this no-strings-attached... how will I ever have someone to be close to if I always end up just having meaningless relationships?" Josh argues.
"Well, ugh... you can be close to me, I mean, to Sally and I and for the rest... hookers," Aidan suggests. And he ist honestly shocked that a part of him seems to mean it more seriously than his joking tone would give away.
"... maybe us monsters just aren't meant to have love," Josh sighs.
"C'mon, that's exaggerated," Aidan argues.
Or is it?
"No, it's not," Josh insists. "I mean, you can seemingly deal with it, but I... I can't. I don't know. We are just different, I guess. Maybe it works between Rebecca and you because you are one of a kind after all."
"Yeah, right... that," Aidan grimaces. He didn't tell anyone yet that Rebecca took off.
"Maybe we should start a date line for monsters, you know? 'Lonely howling to the moon? We can surely find you the right howling partner for intimate times in the woods. Enjoy a star light dinner with raw deer – after the adventure part of the date where you both tear it to shreds. As a special offer we have moss beds, oh yeah, and you will surely enjoy the scavenger hunt for your pants the next morning'!"
Aidan can't help but laugh again, "Wow, that's... we should do that."
"Right. Hey, maybe Bishop would really take a liking to the idea and leave us alone. 'Vampire searches partner for occasional blood feast. Rendezvous point – some dark alley. As a special offer, blood bags are ready and lukewarm for your use in champagne glasses. If you order now, you can also get a double coffin to have it extra-cozy'," Josh goes on.
"We could make some serious money with that," Aidan grins. "But now honestly. You don't have to hang around with a werewolf to be with someone. You hang around with a vampire and a ghost, too. You should really go for it... if you like Nora that much."
"But should I seriously start dating someone who's working with me? I mean... if we break up on not too good terms, I'll be cleaning bedpans for the rest of all eternity," Josh argues, now more practically thinking along the lines of what most normal people trouble themselves with when it comes to love.
"That's the risk you'll have to take, I guess," Aidan sighs.
"So you say I should go for it," Josh grimaces.
"Why does it matter what I have to say about it? If you wanna get laid, then get laid. It's your life," Aidan argues, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. The way Josh puts it, it sounds like he is asking Aidan for, what? Permission?
"I ask you because you're my best friend. Who else would I ask?" Josh replies simply
Who else would he ask?!
Aidan smiles softly, feeling touched by that twisted confession of, well, affection, or at least trust.
And Aidan could always muse at the title as someone's "best friend". It means that you are the number one on someone's list. That you don't come after blood cravings or other people. You are, well, the best. That's nice.
"As your best friend – if you like Nora, go for it. I think you beat yourself up about it enough for the last two years you spent on your own," Aidan tells him, now more seriously, because a part of him is honestly convinced that Josh kept away from love in whatever the form as a sort of punishment. Josh just seems to be that masochistic in that regard. He became something he isn't, which really wasn't his fault, but then he made the decision to leave his loved ones behind – and even if he did it out of love for them, he still blames himself for it and probably thinks that he can't have love when he neglected it before.
"Well, maybe it's just wishful thinking after all. I mean, just coz she doesn't necessarily hate me anymore doesn't mean she'll date me, so maybe it's all for nothing anyways," Josh shrugs.
"With that attitude you'll never have success," Aidan huffs.
"I'm not as self-conscious as you are, I can't help it," Josh argues.
"You don't have to be self-conscious, but at least appreciate yourself. You're a fine guy. You clean and cook – that's what chicks totally dig these days," Aidan smirks.
"I always thought that guys like that about girls," Josh grins.
"TV screwed it up. Now everyone has to be a little Gordon Ramsay," Aidan shrugs. "Believe me, I heard it from the older female nurses – and they always know everything."
"They are like the Moirai from Greek mythology," Josh shudders. "I always fear that when they start to talk about me, I'll just drop dead or something."
"You mean the terrible trio? Yeah, they have the evil eye for sure," Aidan agrees, but then gets up. "Okay, gotta get something to drink."
He walks into the kitchen when Josh calls after him, "Already in the microwave. Should be warm, still."
Aidan makes a face and opens the microwave, just to find his mug readily prepared for him. The vampire frowns before he takes a sip – the temperature should be okay. He walks back, "Why? How?"
"I know what time you're at home. I thought I'd play nice roommate today," Josh shrugs, his eyes already back to the empty picture frame. Aidan joins him wordlessly, sipping his placebo.
Two lovesick idiots, but at least they have each other, right?
A few weeks later, Aidan is now confronted with lovey-dovey Josh. He finally managed to not only ask Nora out on a date, but also to go on a date with her. After all, the first date was a complete mess – thanks to the vampire not paying attention to Emily, who just showed up after she broke up with Jackie, and Marcus attacked her. Till last Aidan feared that Josh wouldn't ever talk to him again, let alone forgive that he let him down like this.
And that is why he was even more surprised to have him coming back home after Josh said he would stay in Ithaca to be with his family. And honestly, Aidan felt bad for actually feeling... good about this. He feared he had lost his best friend, the one constant, his sober companion, but now he is back. It was tough, but Josh seemingly understood that it was not on purpose and that Aidan would do anything to protect him and his family, even facing Marcus if it came to it.
So now Josh is back in Boston, playing the lovebird with Nora. Aidan doesn't begrudge Josh that bit of happiness. He honestly isn't. He is glad that Josh is finally seeing the upside again after he had to come clean to his family, which surely was more than simply traumatic for him. Yet... Aidan can't help but feel a small pang of jealousy, for two reasons. First of all, he is not as lucky in terms of romantic love lately, or love in general. Yes, he had a moment of parental love when Bernie, the neighbor's kid who bumped into his life. Aidan always liked kids – because they remind him of his son. And only God knows how much he misses that certain laugh, those footsteps, those eyes. And Bernie is really a great boy, so great that he outmatched Rebecca when she came back to him, suddenly wanting to pretend house with him together and Bernie, even though that is what made her take off last time. Aidan sent her away. Rebecca just doesn't get it – that sex-tape of her is proof enough... well, but now Aidan wished he had taken Rebecca's offer of having her back in his life, because he is lonely all over again because Bernie got the wrong DVD. Aidan just wanted to give him the Stooges DVD and he ended up with the vampire-porn, which is surely not PG-13 or 20 or 259. And so that little bud withered before it ever got a chance to bloom, leaving Aidan alone, once again. However, there is the number two, too... and that part sees just how much time Josh spends with Nora now. Aidan knows that this shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, Josh is what he says, "devoted" – and the werewolf didn't lie. He cooks for her and takes on the difficult patients in the hospital for her, full ride. What comes as a surprise, though, is that Aidan... misses... the times when it was just them, watching TV, alone in their home. Because now Aidan is stuck watching TV alone while Josh is out. Funny how things turn around at times. So Aidan has no one, except for Sally.
Maybe Josh was right, just not about himself.
Maybe monsters aren't made for love.
And so Aidan finds himself glancing out the window to see Bernie, if only from a distance.
"Doing the Twilight theme again?" Sally's voice rings out from behind him. Aidan whips his head around to look at her, "I'm not that kind of vampire-stalker, thank you."
"Uh-huh," she snorts.
"I would really like to spend time with him, but... well, it just isn't meant to be," Aidan sighs.
"Well, and then of course you're in a foul mood because our puppy is having all the kinky fun," Sally grins.
"Are you hinting at something, Sally?" Aidan exhales, his eyes already drifting back to Bernie.
"All I'm hinting at is that Josh is... not around... and you're lonely," she grins. Aidan chooses to ignore her. She is just being weird again. That ghost just always has to see drama where there is none. TV definitely screwed her. Sally steps over to him to look at the kid, too.
"Is he getting bullied again?" she exhales.
"Think so," Aidan grimaces. "If only I could help him."
"Kids can be so horrible," Sally shakes her head.
"Damn, this is getting too rough," Aidan grimaces, kneading his knuckles nervously.
"Maybe we should call someone?" Sally suggests.
"Who? His mother? She'll hang up immediately and call police – over to our house," Aidan snorts.
"Should I scare them away?" she offers.
"I might take you up on that," Aidan licks his lips. However, before he can say something else, there is suddenly the screeching of wheels, a thud, a roll, and another thud. The two whip their heads around to see Bernie... on the street... bleeding...
"Oh God," Sally stammers, but Aidan is already rushing outside. That can't be. Can't be. Can't be. No. No. No. Just no.
The vampire only realizes flashes around him. He can feel the gravel biting into his skin like a dull ache, but the more prominent sensation is that of skin that is losing its heat, its warmth. Life.
Everything after the terror painted in red are flashes of light, the sound of sirens and then the lack of sound. Of the steady da-dum-da-dum.
Exitus.
Death.
Aidan lost a child all over again.
And still he tries to bring it back.
Pump. Pump. Pump.
Don't go.
Don't leave.
C'mon! C'mon!
Josh sits on one of the kitchen stools, pushing his food around, one hand against his forehead, heavily leaning on the arm.
"What's the matter with you?" Sally asks, who is sitting next to him. "I thought you wanted to go on a date with Nora?"
"I can't go on a date with her after... Bernie," Josh argues, shaking his head into his hand. Sally lets out a sigh.
"I haven't seen him at all today," Josh goes on, putting down the fork. "He didn't even come home to sleep or so... and then... I tried to call him, but he is not answering his phone. I don't know where he is."
"He'll resurface," Sally shrugs. "He always does."
Or does he?
"Yeah, but I don't know what trouble he gets himself into while he is grieving. I mean... Bernie... he won't ever come back. It's only a matter of time. I know what it feels like to mourn the loss of someone close to you, but I have no clue what you do when you see a child and... I won't ever know unless he shows up for once."
"Well, it's hard on him. He really likes Bernie," Sally shrugs. "I guess he just needs some time."
"This is about Isaac," Josh says, clasping both hands in front of his face.
"Isaac?" Sally frowns.
"Aidan's son," Josh explains.
"Aidan has a son?" Sally gasps.
"Had. He died... back in Aidan's... first life," Josh tells her. "That's why Aidan likes children so much. They remind him of... Isaac."
"The poor guy," Sally exhales.
"I just don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't say anything. I mean, I want to help, but... but maybe I spent too much time with Nora so that he thinks he can't talk to me," Josh mutters thoughtfully.
"Hey, you couldn't know, and Aidan surely doesn't blame you for it, Josh, now don't be ridiculous," Sally assures him quickly.
Those two are truly co-dependent.
"He helped me through so much... and all I can do is... I don't know, have phantom pains," Josh shakes his head.
"Don't do that to yourself, Josh," Sally argues. "Once he's ready, he'll come talk to you. You're his best friend. I guess he just has to sort himself out."
"What if sorting himself out means sucking someone dry?" Josh argues. "I mean, not that I'd blame him for... for... being close to the edge of that wagon, but... but I would like to help him, just that I don't know how if I don't even know where. We're trying to keep each other human. That is what this household is about. How do I keep him human if he is not here?"
"He'll be okay," Sally assures him. "Aidan is strong. He knows we have his back."
The music hums.
The drums beat.
Aidan is on the hunt again.
He just has to feel warm again.
Even at the price of humanity.
What is humanity without love anyways?
What a child without life?
Two little snakes roaming around an apple. Pretty girls. Just the right prey for one of the damned.
Fresh blood to counter the one shed on the street.
Aidan doesn't even know what's happening until he is that close to giving in to his dark urges when suddenly there is someone pulling him back.
Josh wouldn't know that he is here, but... no, it's Rebecca.
"You don't wanna do this," she tells him and pushes him away from the girls, from the little snakes. Aidan struggles, yes he wants, yes he needs, but he shouldn't. Mustn't.
But she holds on.
This time, she doesn't let go. She pulls him aside and suddenly this is her again, not that predator who ran away from him, who didn't want to be with him, no, this is Rebecca again, with the soft eyes, the warm eyes. And God knows that this is what Aidan needs now, just as he needs those comforting touches, those hushed little promises that it's not his fault. Aidan would love to drown in this comfort, but something pulls him back.
"You could turn him," comes the suggestion like a stab right in his chest.
No, he can't. He didn't turn Cara. He won't turn Bernie. He can't curse him like that, even if it tears him apart, layer for layer, shred for shred.
For a moment he fears that Rebecca will just go like she did last time, but... but she holds on even tighter, a kiss to the forehead, a gentle gesture, one of care, comfort... love.
Aidan holds on as tight as he can, getting lost in that embrace.
Maybe she can hold the shatters of himself together somehow.
Because she is here.
And that means he is no longer alone in that darkness.
"... Josh?" Nora's voice resonates inside the werewolf's head, but it takes him at least another two seconds for his brain to process the information.
"What? Uhm, sorry, what did you say?" he asks, shaking his head.
"Is everything okay with you?" she asks hesitantly. Nora noticed in the last few days just how aloof Josh was – and that is beside the aloofness he seems to inherit in general.
"What? Yes, I'm great, I'm... I'm sorry," Josh grimaces, his facial muscles flexing between smile and not smile.
"What's the matter, though? I know that something is not okay, or else you wouldn't be with your head somewhere else," she argues.
"Well, ugh, to be honest... it's about... it's about Aidan," Josh admits. "He is having a really rough time. And I just can't seem to break through to him. He didn't show up for work, again."
Josh is honestly at a loss. His friend is only a shadow of himself, so the shadow of a shadow. Josh tries to get through to him, but Aidan either isn't even there to begin with, or if he is home for once, he just says that he can't and won't talk about it. And that is the end of discussion.
"It has to do with the little boy who was brought here after the car accident, right? He was in his room with his mother to talk to her shortly after the boy was brought in," Nora grimaces.
"Yeah, Bernie. Aidan befriended him, so, ugh... yeah, it's tough," Josh replies. "But, ugh, I'm sorry. That is nothing you have to bother with, it's just... I don't know. Want another cup of tea?"
"... sure," Nora grimaces. That just seems to be the thing with Josh. He is kind, generous, talkative, but there is this dark side looming above him, like a mobile, just that lies dangle from it instead of wooden animals, casting shadows over him. And Nora can't shake off the feeling that the same is true for Aidan in some way, too.
Maybe it's the house after all. Maybe it has it's own dark mobile to dangle from the ceiling, creating little shadow monsters on the walls.
Aidan is pacing, his chest a tight knot. How could this happen?!
How could she do that?!
God, no. That can't be.
Just what can he do?!
"Sally! I'm home!" Josh hollers as he comes inside with a bag of groceries. "I need your opinion about something I want to do for Nora and..."
"Aidan?" Josh's almost yelps at the sight of his friend, which is actually a rare occasion these days. "Aidan! Goodness' sake. I haven't seen you since... what's wrong?"
The werewolf hurries over to the vampire, who is on the verge of tears. Aidan flops down on the window sill. Josh blinks at him.
"Did something happen?" Josh asks tentatively. Aidan just nods his head.
How do you say that?
"What happened, then?" Josh questions.
"... Bernie," Aidan brings out.
"Yeah, I know that you are still grieving his loss," Josh grimaces sympathetically. "But ugh... I mean, we can talk about that, you know?"
At that, Aidan lets out a strangled laughter.
"... okay, I don't see how that was funny, but...," Josh mutters, but that is when Aidan manages to speak up, "It's not about morning him. It's about... about that he's back."
"Okay, now you please tell me that you're not pumped up on blood so that you see things not there... or... or is he a ghost now? Oh please no," Josh rambles nervously.
"He is back. Rebecca, she...," Aidan stammers. He doesn't even have the words for it.
"Rebecca? What did she do?" Josh asks, blinking furiously. He always knew, deep down, that she was bad influence on Aidan, but he honestly hoped that she wouldn't go as far as to do anything with Bernie... whatever that is.
"... she... she turned... Bernie," Aidan brings out, fresh tears welling up his eyes. Josh staggers for a second, holding on to the wall for support, "She... she... brought a child back from... I mean... oh God."
First Cara, now Bernie. Just when does Rebecca learn her lesson?! Just why can't she stop?!
"She did it for me. She thought she was doing me a favor. She saw how I... damn," Aidan shakes his head.
"What do you mean?" Josh brings out.
"I was at a bar and I... she was there and she kept me from pulling something stupid... and... and she comforted me, so I told her about Bernie and...," Aidan's voice breaks.
Josh bites the inside of his cheek. Great, if only he had been there to keep Aidan from doing that. Then this surely wouldn't have happened. And it makes him mad, jealous even, maybe, that Aidan's first address, once again, was Rebecca – and even if it was just by chance that she was there. Still. Josh wants to be there for Aidan through this hardship, but that redhead with fangs just always manages to crawl her way back into Aidan's life and mess with it. Because turning Bernie is truly helping no one. Just what is wrong with that girl? Other than being a vampire, of course?
Josh would like to curse at Aidan for bearing his heart to her, but sees that Aidan is desperate, so he can't really blame him. Instead, he means to focus on what is on hand – and that is Bernie.
Oh God.
"O... okay, so... so... h...," Josh sucks in a deep breath. He wants to throw up right now, so badly. He can already taste the bile on his tongue. The acid.
And it burns, burns deep down.
He knows what he is about to say out loud and that in itself is a sin. "How do we... what do we do to... get... get rid of the... problem?"
"What now?" Aidan stares at him. Get rid of the problem? How can he say that about Bernie?!
"You want to get rid of Bernie?!"
"I don't want that, Aidan, but we have think about what to do. We can't let him walk around like that. We have to do something," Josh insists, though he tries to keep his tone calm and soothing. Aidan looks like a wounded animal in a tight corner. And Josh knows that such animals are likely to strike out of their sheer desperation.
"What? So you expect me to just get out a stake and... and...," Aidan shakes his head disbelievingly.
"Hey, now don't look at me like I'm a kind of monster for thinking about it! Aidan, that kid died!" Josh argues vehemently. "He died. That he is back under the living... that simply mustn't be."
"I will not kill Bernie. You can't ask me for that," Aidan grits his teeth. He hoped that Josh would... he doesn't even know what he hoped Josh would do, but surely he didn't think that his best friend would kindly suggest to commit murder – murder Bernie.
"We have to find a solution, Aidan!" Josh cries out. "Bernie is a child, still. That means he has no impulse control. He will bite the first best person he sees!"
"He didn't drink anyone until now," Aidan insists.
"But it's only a matter of time until, Aidan. You know that as well as me. Bernie would be doomed to live with that impulse for the rest of his life. He will be stuck as a child for the rest of his life. You can't want that for him," Josh argues.
"Rebecca and I could teach him, maybe," Aidan argues, not that he is too believing himself.
But sometimes telling yourself a lie is making it a bit more bearable.
It's mean of course, to just push the guilt over to Josh, but Aidan is drowning, so he can't think about how much water he pushes over into the tank Josh is stuck in. He just has to breathe again.
"Aidan, you will have to leave Boston if you want to hold on to that idea," Josh shakes his head. Aidan can't be serious. He can't just take off like that. What will become of... of their house?
Of him?
"I can find a solution for that," Aidan argues.
Even though he knows he can't.
"What if he runs into his mother, his friends? Hm? How will you explain that he is suddenly alive and walking?! Rebecca disappeared! That's why no one asks! But people saw him. His mother saw him die. You were at his funeral, Aidan. And even if they don't find him, the kid will ask to see them! Bernie still remembers his past life. It's not like he woke up without any memory of what once was. Bernie knows his mom – and he knows his mom is not Rebecca," Josh argues.
"You don't understand that," Aidan hisses.
"I understand that you don't want to let him go. I get that, but you have to understand that this is not the life you should want for Bernie. Because it isn't a life," Josh argues.
"So what? What am I to you? If vampires don't even have a life?" Aidan curses, feeling hurt, deep down.
"Now you're being ridiculous. Of course you have a life, with us," Josh tells him. "But Bernie won't. How will you ever make him understand that he can't see his mother? That she will pass before he will? That he is now supposed to call Rebecca momma? That he has those urges within him to kill? That he mustn't kill when he wants to? You said it yourself. Your curse is the worst. It's because you have to fight it every single day for the rest of your life not to fall off the wagon. Do you seriously want to burden a child with that responsibility?"
"I don't want it, but I can't just go ahead and kill him!" Aidan argues.
"Then, then you, ugh... then I have to... I don't know, we just have to do something! And we have to do it now, before he bites someone!" Josh brings out, fighting the next wave of nausea. He never thought that he would have to talk about child murder – and actually suggest it.
"You won't do anything!" Aidan warns him, suddenly to his feet. "You won't touch him. I take care of it."
"Aidan! I'm here to help you, don't you see that?!" Josh cries out. "Let me help you."
"What? So you hold the stake or the shovel?! It's my damn business! You don't want to have to do with it anyways, so why even pretend, Josh?! Huh?! Huh?! You don't know what it's like to...," Aidan bites his lower lip as his voice breaks, shatters.
"Bernie is not Isaac," Josh says. Aidan has to blink thrice before he can even process it.
"Don't you dare even say his name," Aidan growls in a low voice, pushing against Josh's chest, but the werewolf doesn't bow.
"I say his name. Bernie is not Isaac. This is not about your son. It's not some guilt you have to repay for whatever you think you have to pay for Isaac's death. Bernie is his mother's son. He belongs to this time, he belonged to this life. And that life was over the moment that car hit him. He is not Isaac," Josh tells him, trying to keep his voice leveled. He knows that he is not just walking on thin ice with the statement, he is already breaking through the ice cover into the dark waters of cold and no return. Aidan only very hesitantly told him about Isaac to begin with, and that wasn't much. All Josh knows is that he died, that Aidan loved him, and that he still blames himself for his death. Aidan warned him not to bring it up again – because that is one of the topics he just doesn't want to touch. However, Josh thinks he has to, so that Aidan sees it, understands. He is seemingly getting lost in the idea of Bernie as Isaac. Just that "saving" Bernie won't bring either one back. It won't revive Bernie, make him the funny little kid he used to be, who played "Go Fish" with him, who liked the Stooges. And no matter what happens to Bernie in the present, it won't bring Isaac back. That is what Aidan has to understand, right?
Josh doesn't see the fist coming, and he only feels the pain spreading over his face once he hits the ground with a thud. Aidan stands above him, fist still raised, panting as though he just ran a marathon, eyes wide in shock.
He just punched his best friend. God.
Aidan never thought he could. And Josh didn't either.
The two stare at each other, sadness, fury and shock meshing together into an emotion that words can't even describe.
"I'm sorry, I... I gotta go," Aidan mutters, bowing his head as he hurries out the door.
Just why did he have to mention Isaac?
Josh runs a hand over his face, wincing at the electric shocks it sends up to his brain.
Just why did he have to mention Isaac?
After a phone call from Rebecca, Aidan quickly makes his way to the motel where she and Bernie are now living, well, housing. He comes inside to find Bernie and her arguing, screaming, shouting, fighting. He wants blood, the good one, the real one, she can't give it to him. She just as the placebo.
Isn't that all too familiar?
Because it turned out that the warnings were true, so Aidan fears. The two bullies who pushed Bernie around when he was still alive, were now found dead, their throats a bleeding mess.
It doesn't take much to put two and two together.
Despair and frustration lie in the air, even stronger than the smell of blood.
Aidan intervenes as Rebecca gets too rough in her "parenting", in her desperate need and want to make this work somehow. She is trying so hard. Too hard. She never should have done what she did. Rebecca became an alpha way too soon. Not that she ever should have, but Rebecca just doesn't know how to do things herself yet. Caring for another novice is just a Herculean task. It was all too soon.
Rebecca was turned too soon, ripped out of her life.
Bernie was too soon ripped out of his life by a car.
And then too soon made a vampire, at too young age.
All too soon, and still too late.
Aidan would have done better keeping a close eye on her, to keep Rebecca from making this fatal mistake. He never should have told her about Bernie, about his pains. He pushed her, unconsciously, but still. He should have seen it coming and prevented it. He should have listened to Josh's warning.
Should have.
It's always so easy to say that in the retrospective.
But Aidan sees it now. Whatever it is that he pictured he might make work with sheer willpower – it doesn't work. And it won't ever. This is no happy family. It's not even a family. It's just three addicts stuck in a room, caged in it. This is no life – and it won't ever be. They won't ever be a family, no matter how much Aidan loves them both.
So he tells her that he takes Bernie out for a walk, and Rebecca agrees. She has to calm down again.
And Aidan has to do what he should have done ever since he looked back in those child's eyes.
He takes him out into the woods, to hunt a deer, he tells him. Sweet little lie.
Back to Mother Nature.
Back to where you should have gone all along, Bernie.
Back to humanity.
It's silent. Just one sound and then silence again. No thud, no screeching of wheels.
A strange kind of peace.
The woods swallow all sound, readily devour it.
The deer scurries away.
Birds fly into a grey sky and disappear.
Sometimes love is simply not enough to make it a life.
Sometimes you show true love by killing it.
Sometimes you keep someone human by granting them their weakness, their mortality.
Sometimes... all love has to die.
Josh comes home late at night. Ever since his argument with Aidan, he hasn't talked to his best friend. Not that Josh was in the mood to talk anyways. He is not really mad at Aidan for punching him, he really isn't. The werewolf sees that he overstepped a line, or rather stomped on it. He is just sad that he can't help his best friend even in a moment of crisis such as this. Because Aidan just won't let him.
And the new problem? Josh actually bore his heart to Nora about the issue after she saw the bruise on his cheek. Much to his surprise, she got really angry with him because he couldn't go into detail about why Aidan is so distressed or why Josh thinks it's okay that he punched him. She went on about how she doesn't have the feeling she can trust him if he is keeping so many secrets.
So basically, she called it off... maybe. Josh is not too sure yet.
So yeah, maybe a relationship is not that much of a good idea after all.
Isn't that what he feared about all along? That she'd start to ask questions? Questions he can't answer?
That's the thing, seemingly. It always gets complicated after a while – because you have to make choices, and Nora asks him to make choices that he knows he can't make without hurting her or his family, Aidan and Sally. Josh can't just tell Nora about things such as his true nature, or Aidan's, or Bernie's, without endangering them. He can't tell Nora without endangering her.
Monsters really aren't meant to love, seemingly, at least not so close, not so intense.
Monsters seemingly can only love a little at a time, shouldn't get too attached. Then letting it go is not that hurtful, at least for the other.
If you love something, set it free, isn't it?
Josh closes the door behind him, letting out a sigh. He walks into the hallway to catch sight of... Aidan... in the kitchen, face buried in his hands. Josh would like to just go upstairs, but eventually he makes his way into the kitchen. He knows that something is wrong. That something happened. He can feel the ice-cold needles against his skin already. Aidan's facial expression instantly hardens to a mask as he sees his roommate approaching. Josh winces, again, fighting any urge not to run.
But he stays.
"I took care of it," Aidan tells him in a flat voice.
"Bernie?" Josh asks hesitantly. Aidan just looks through him. "I'm sorry."
Aidan blinks a few times, but doesn't comment.
"But it was the right thing to do," Josh says.
"Great," Aidan snorts.
For as long as it was the right thing, it's okay, really?
That you killed a child?
Twice?
"I'm also sorry about the conversation and...," Josh means to say, but Aidan interrupts him, "Don't. Just don't, okay?"
Just leave me alone, Josh. I'm breaking apart, so leave, or else you get caught in the crossfire again.
I don't want to punch you again, but I might.
I'm just in that tight a corner.
Josh licks his lips nervously.
He might get caught in the crossfire again.
Josh would really like to just turn around, go back upstairs and mind his own business.
Just that his business is Aidan's and that Aidan's is his.
Isn't that what family is all about?
"You saved him," Josh whispers.
"I killed a child today," Aidan shakes his head.
"You saved him," Josh insists. "Bernie died back in that hospital, already back when that car hit him. What you saw during the last few days... it was just a shadow, a flicker..."
A nice flicker though, Aidan thinks to himself.
"You did the right thing. And I'm sorry that you had to," Josh says again, putting as much credibility into his words as he can.
"You should better go," Aidan warns him, his voice shaking.
You don't want to see my tears, do you?
Josh sucks in a deep breath before he turns away, but much to the vampire's surprise, no, almost shock, the werewolf doesn't leave the room, but goes to the fridge, gets out a blood bag and pours some of it into Aidan's mug to put in the microwave.
"I would rather be alone now," Aidan tells him, his voice quivering. Josh doesn't say anything, just looks at the microwave until it beeps to get out the mug, walk over to Aidan and hold it out to him.
When Emily was a crying mess after getting bullied, Josh would always prepare her hot chocolate. That always helped her, if only just a tiny bit.
It's the gesture that counts.
The warmth.
That unspoken promise that it will be like that next time, too. That even next time you won't be alone, but will find a bit of warmth handed to you.
Aidan stares at the mug, at the gesture. Josh gives him the placebo, to ease his pain. Josh eventually just puts it down in front of him to take his seat by his side.
The tears come and Aidan can't do anything to hold them back.
He lets go.
And Josh, without holding on, holds on.
Josh is simply there.
He doesn't go away, fights his urge to go away, overcomes it. For his friend.
Josh doesn't try to fix it because he knows he can't.
He simply does what he can do, and that is to offer comfort, give solace.
He stays until the tears dry out – and longer.
He stays through all the pain.
