Living as a Celebrated Fool

*Crazy, but that's how it goes,
Millions of people living as fools.....*

After that incident on stage with Blondie, Tony and I had a big talk..... I had to get used to it..... that's all he could really offer me. It was a job and I had to meet the requirements or lose my only means of income; I didn't matter to them...... or to anyone really..... I was just a random girl who'd gone missing for 23 years and come back without any further education past the near end of her high school career. No one would give me a job with my minimal amount of schooling and going back to school was the last thing I wanted to do. It was too regimented and strict with all its mundane rules..... it made me think of Retraining..... and that was never a good thing.

*Maybe it's not too late,
To learn how to love,
And forget how to hate.....*

So...... I got used to it..... After I gave Blondie all the money I earned last night (to pay for her damn $150 extensions that I managed to tear out in my fit of panic)...... I let a man named John take me to his home...... I never thought a bed could be just a place for loveless sex..... I mean, I'd heard about it...... people just doing it cuz their hormonal levels were through the roof and they needed relief or they saw a man or woman they thought had the body of a god and just let their senses lose control. I just never understood it. How could you be so pride-less? Letting your hormones and bodily desires take complete control of you without considering the consequences, to me, was completely stupid! You put so much at risk! Where's the pride in letting loose just to get off? I could just as easily do myself and get the same results! The emotion is what makes just plain SEX love.

*Mental wounds not healing,
Life's a bitter shame,
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.....*

Yeah..... I was talking about John, wasn't I? Well, Tony said I had to "give them what they wanted"; he wanted his bar to have the best reputation around..... and for the bar to have the best rep around..... it had to be very "accommodating" to the male attendees. Which, consequently, meant that I had to give up my soul and my dignity..... but I justified it with my dire need to obtain money and feel wanted. Pretty stupid, huh? I know some of you are laughing at me..... but I've gotten to the point where I'm almost starting to believe that all I need in this world is money and to feel desired so everyone else can fuck off!

* I've listened to preachers,

I've listened to fools,

I've watched all the dropouts,

Who make their own rules......*

I had to get high with John before he'd pay me and then do me; so, we huddled around his stash of various illegal substances that I can't even begin to name since I'm still rather out of it. I just sniffed when told to sniff and shot up when handed a needle...... that was probably a really bad idea..... Oops.

* One person conditioned to rule and control,

The media sells it and you live the role......*

I made $9,000 last night. After John came Michael, Daniel, Steve, Mykel, and a few others I can't remember. At this rate, I'll be able to find myself a rather nice apartment, maybe I'll soon have enough to move out of this slum part of Hiroshima and find a quaint town to make a new life for myself.

* Mental wounds still screaming,

Driving me insane,

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.....*

"CAT!"

I yanked on the crotchless panties I'd been given from my newest friend, Birdie, and shimmied out of the dressing room.

* I know that things are going wrong for me,

You gotta listen to my words,

Yeh-h.......*

"We got a lot of guys out there requesting lap dances, don't make a scene like last night..... just gi----"

"Give them what they want," I parroted his philosophy back to him with a sense of overcompensated pride.

* Heirs of a cold war,

That's what we've become,

Inheriting troubles I'm mentally numb......*

"That's my girl!" I felt him yank me into an embrace before he nearly shoved me into the lounge. Sweet..... This would be easy cash.

* Crazy, I just cannot bear,

I'm living with something that just isn't fair,

Mental wounds not healing,

Who and what's to blame,

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.......*