SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING (panic attack)

Unfortunately I've had experience with the stuff in this chapter and I though since Kacey and I live under similar circumstances I should add that dimension to her character to make it more realistic. ANYWAY ON A HAPPIER NOTE I LOVED WRITING THIS CHAPTER BCUZ PROTECTIVE CARL IS SEXY CARL OML. I feel like his character in general isn't generally violent/angry, but I think he can be if someone he loves/cares about is hurt/in danger/etc. ;))) SRY FOR THE RANT BUT THANK YOU FOR READING MY BEAUTIFUL QUEENS


I'm fucked.

Kacey was driving home from dropping Carl off at his house. She was blasting music and driving somewhat faster than she should to try to distract herself from the inevitable truth: she liked Carl.

She didn't want to admit it to him. Or herself.

It absolutely terrified her that she felt this way.

When was the last time I really, truly, liked someone?

Oh, right. Never.

And the fact that Carl shamelessly admitted to liking her? Even more terrifying. She was even more attracted to him for his confidence.

UGH.

Kacey rolled down the windows and let the wind rush over her and tangle her hair. She cranked the volume even more, turning onto the windy road by her house. She had to clear her mind.

This kid is fucking me up.


Later that night she had a three-way call with Phia and Blake, telling them practically everything.

Except that I like him.

Kacey couldn't tell them that. She didn't even know if anything would ever happen between her and Carl.

I'll most likely ruin it before anything can.

"Can you guys just have sex already?!" Phia squealed when Kacey was done talking.

"Shut up." Kacey replied. "Nothing is gonna happen, okay?"

"And why not?" Blake asked.

Kacey inhaled. "I…um…I don't know." She stuttered.

They were both quiet.

Kacey continued on. "I just don't know if I want to deal with it."

Yeah, cuz I have no idea what I'm doing.

Phia sighed. "Kacey. Listen to me. It's scary, I know. I mean, I don't really know. I'm not a big 'relationship' person. I'm more of a hit-it-and-quit-it type of girl."

Kacey laughed as Blake snorted.

"Okay, let me talk to her. Phia, be quiet." Blake said. Kacey smiled at this and Phia scoffed.

Blake continued on. "I think this would be good for you. He clearly likes you. And you obviously like him." Kacey could tell he was smiling.

"I hate you." Kacey mumbled.

They laughed. "Oh come on, we're your best friends. We know you, and you like him." Phia responded.

Kacey groaned, but refused to acknowledge their comments.

"Wait so when are you gonna see him again? Just at school?" Phia asked.

"Um, no. Well yes, at school, but also this Friday," she stated casually as she bit her lip, flinching in anticipation.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO GONNA HOOK UP OH MY GOD!" Phia screamed into the phone.

"Don't pay attention to her." Blake said over Phia's squealing. "She makes everything sexual."

"Not true! But guys, come on! Carl Gallagher is so fucking hot like if Kacey didn't have a thing with him I would totally —"

"SHUT UP PHIA" Blake yelled over her ranting.

Kacey was cackling.

"Okay, okay. I'm calm now. But Kacey, in all seriousness…"

Kacey furrowed her eyebrows. "What?"

"Do you need me to give you a condom?"

Kacey could hear Blake trying to hold in his laughter.

"I'm hanging up."


Her dad came home an hour later. She and her dad didn't really interact. And they hadn't really in the past, either.

I can't blame my mom for leaving him.

Kacey's mom left when she was young. Kacey didn't remember exactly what age, but she was too young to even remember her mom accurately, so she assumed she was pretty little when her mom had left them. Throughout middle school, Kacey had been severely depressed because of her home life. She kept thinking about it, day in and day out. It was practically an obsession. She was angry, hurt, sad, embarrassed, and confused. Her grades had dropped and she cut herself off from those around her, including Phia (she hadn't met Blake yet). This went on for weeks.

The loneliness Kacey had felt was incredibly intense and overwhelming. She had felt like she was drowning. Getting out of bed was extremely difficult for her, and as a result she missed a ridiculous amount of school.

Finally, Phia's mom stepped in. Phia's family life had always been great. Which made Kacey jealous at times. She knew Phia couldn't help it, but still. It was hard for Kacey to hear Phia complain when her parents were being "annoying" or "bitchy."

Phia's mom had set up a meeting with a psychiatrist. She had even paid for it, which had made Kacey feel awful. Kacey had been prescribed medication. It took a while to find the right combination, but once she did it was practically a life-saver. Of course, she still had weak moments. But her anxiety and depression had subsided a lot.

She didn't know if her dad was aware that she was on medication. It would be surprising if he didn't at this point, since their health insurance is covering the cost, other than the one time Phia's mom had paid. But he never said anything about it so Kacey didn't bring it up.

Therapy had also been an option as well, but Kacey didn't know if she would benefit from it. She knew no one could really help her. And she was doing a lot better. Her life was settled down. She had become comfortable with being (practically) alone, and was used to being on her own. It was hard at first, to learn to take care of herself, and as a result, she had had to grow up a lot faster than most kids.

Overall, Kacey was unprepared for change. She was used to the life she had now.

Maybe that's the problem.

Carl was a threat; he could possibly mess up her routine. If anything ever happened, it would interrupt the steady rhythm of her life. And Kacey didn't want that. It scared her.

There are so many things that could go wrong.

Kacey closed her eyes and sighed softly, Blake's words running through her head.

"It would be good for you."

But would it?

She covered her face with her hands in frustration.

No. I can't let this go any further.

Kacey's new plan was to just try to distance herself from Carl for the rest of the week. She'd still be nice, of course. But she didn't want to lead him on. She was planning to talk to him on Friday about all of it, and was pretty nervous just thinking about it.

But he already knows I just want to be friends.

When they had hung out at his house a little while ago, they had talked about it a little. But it was more light-hearted and he seemed to have not taken her seriously.

This time she would be sure to make him understand.

He's going to think I hate him.


Kacey had done a fairly decent job avoiding Carl. It was now Wednesday, and she hadn't really spent any time with him or seen him other than saying a quick "hi" during english or when they passed each other in the hall.

I'm such a coward.

Kacey hated that she was purposely staying away from him. It wasn't fair to Carl.

He would never do this to me.

Kacey felt that was true, even though she didn't know him super well.

I know him enough to know that he wouldn't ever avoid me.

She had filled Phia and Blake in about it, and they had instantly scolded her.

"Give him a chance!" Phia had said. "Nothing has even happened yet!"

Kacey's guilt had increased even more.

"I know that. But I have no idea what I'm doing."

Phia had sighed and glanced at Blake as Kacey looked at the ground. Blake put his arm around her.

"Look. Just follow your instinct, okay? Don't overthink it. If it feels right, then let it happen. You won't regret it. Even if it doesn't work out." He squeezed her shoulder.

Kacey smiled weakly back at him.

But this had made her even more confused.

How am I not supposed to overthink it? I have anxiety — aka I overthink fucking everything.

Her inner turmoil was at an ultimate high by Thursday. Her thoughts were running through her mind at record speed, and she kept fidgeting during class.

What is wrong with me?!

However, something interrupted her racing mind. Zack and Wesley — the guys who she cursed out for talking shit about Carl and Nick — were whispering behind her, and she had heard her name. She whipped her head around and found them glaring at her. Kacey just rolled her eyes and turned around, but she couldn't ignore the stab of fear she had felt once she had locked eyes with each of them. She felt something coming. Her anxiety started to overwhelm her; her heartbeat quickened and her breathing became rapid. She had to get out of there. It was all too much.

Once the anxiety built up there was no way to stop it. It had always been this way — one thing triggered it and then it all came crashing down on her. This time, it was about Carl, Zack, Wesley, and of course, her dad. Every thing wrong in her life seemed magnetized in that moment, like it always did when she had panic attacks. She hadn't had one in ages.

Oh god why now?!

She felt bile rise at the back of her throat as she shakily raised her hand.

It was hard for her to ask her teacher to go to the bathroom since her mouth was so dry, but she eventually croaked the question out.

She practically sprinted out of the room, struggling to hold her heavy backpack.

The hallway was starting to spin a little and her vision was getting blurry as she tried to steady her breathing.

I need to get outside.

Fresh air always helped. Being indoors made her feel trapped, causing her to panic even more.

She placed her sweaty palm on the cold lockers to guide her steps.

And then the bell rang.

Everyone would be pouring out of the classrooms and right into Kacey's pathway towards the front doors.

Calm down. Calm down. Breathe.

She put her back against the wall and slid down, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. The noise level rose each second. People stared as they passed by which only increased her anxiety.

You'll be fine once you're outside.

She ran her trembling fingers through her hair and tried to pull herself up, leaving her heavy backpack on the tile floor; a wave of nausea hit her. Staring at her feet, she counted her steps as she made her way to the school entrance, trying to distract herself from the crazed atmosphere.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Elev—

Something solid had blocked her path.

Not something. She looked up. Someone. And not one. Two.

Her breath hitched at the back of her throat.

People were rushing past her but she didn't notice.

Zack and Wesley smiled menacingly at her. The hallway had become completely quiet. Too quiet.

Kacey glanced over her shoulder. Where the hell did everyone go?!

Kacey hadn't even heard the bell ring. She was too focused on counting her footsteps. One student slammed his locker shut and ran down the hallway, his footsteps echoing off of the white walls. Now, she was completely alone with them.

Kacey could feel the acrid taste of vomit in her mouth. She closed her eyes and tried to regain her composure, completely blocking out the assholes in front of her.

"So," one of them said. Kacey had no idea which one.

Kacey opened her eyes and glared at them. "Move," she tried to say forcefully. It came out more like a squeak.

"Apologize and then we'll let you go."

The burning sensation at the back of her throat was getting worse each second.

"No." She tried to slide past them but they wouldn't budge, so she tried to push her way through. Wesley grabbed her arm as she attempted to shove him away, and Kacey's stomach dropped in fear. His grip was tight.

Why are they doing this to me?! Her heart was hammering against her chest.

"LET ME GO!" Kacey's voice cracked and tears threatened to spill down her cheeks as she tried to pry her arm away.

Don't cry. Not here.

She was about to lose it and start sobbing. And then she heard footsteps rapidly moving behind her.

A deep voice cut through the silence. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Kacey recognized the voice. Zack's gaze flickered and his smile dropped. She saw a flash of panic in Wesley's eyes, and then he abruptly dropped her arm.

Carl approached them looking absolutely livid. His jaw was clenched and his hands were balled into fists as he glared at Zack and Wesley. And then he looked at Kacey.

Kacey instantly felt relieved. She audibly exhaled and could already feel herself starting to relax.

Carl put his hands on her shoulders and crouched down to look in her eyes. His facial expression completely changed from cold and hard to soft and warm.

"Are you okay?" His tone was so gentle it made Kacey want to cry. She froze for a few seconds, lost in his brown eyes, then nodded. He gazed at her for a few more seconds, looking completely unconvinced.

He sees right through me.

Obviously he knew she wasn't okay. But Wesley and Zack were still there. Carl slowly averted his eyes from Kacey and looked at them, daggers shooting out of his eyes.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He growled at them, a vein showing on his neck as he clenched his jaw again.

They glanced at each other and looked back at Carl, fear written so clearly on their faces.

They're terrified of him.

"We just…we…um…" Zack stammered.

Wesley didn't even bother replying. Carl just shook his head. Then Wesley seemed to find his voice.

He tried to look like he wasn't intimidated.

"She embarrassed us. We just want her to apologize. It doesn't concern you." He said the last sentence a little more aggressively, gaining confidence. He continued on. "But if you promise to control your girlfriend from now on —"

The echo of Wesley's back being slammed against the lockers reverberated throughout the building it was that loud. Kacey had jumped a little at the loud noise. Carl had Wesley pinned up against the locker, his fists clutching onto Wesley's shirt.

"Are you that fucking stupid? You do realize I could fucking kill you, right?" Carl didn't yell. His voice was barely audible, which made him sound even more menacing.

The terror on Wesley's face almost made Kacey burst out laughing. She felt better, yet still on edge and pretty shaky. She focused on slowing her heart rate down by taking deep breaths.

Zack just gaped at the scene that was unfolding before him.

Carl twisted his hands so that Wesley's was pressed against the locker even harder.

"Don't go near her again," Carl hissed, his teeth gritted together. "Or it'll end up giving me a reason to go back to juvie. Understand?"

He shoved him hard against the locker as he let go. Wesley's lips were slightly parted in shock. Zack grabbed his arm and they quickly walked away, glancing back over their shoulders at Kacey and Carl and then disappeared.

Kacey gazed at the floor trying to process what had just happened. Carl was breathing heavily, glaring in the direction they had gone.

I can't believe he just did that for me.

She bit her lip and shook her head imperceptibly in disbelief.

This boy.

Tears pricked the back of her eyes.

Stop. Don't.

"Come on." He said flatly as he held his hand out to her. She hesitated but then slowly reached out and grabbed it. His fingers quickly intertwined with her cold ones and he swiftly led her down the hall.

The heat from his hands made her stomach flip.

He grabbed her backpack and slung it over his shoulder, then led them in the opposite direction towards the front doors.

Is he mad at me?

He seemed annoyed. His expression was kind of stony.

A warm gust of air greeted them once they stepped outside. Carl held the door for her as she walked behind him into the sunlight.

Finally.

Kacey took a deep breath.

Why had it been so difficult to just go outside?!

He led her down the concrete steps, his fingers loosely but firmly clutching onto hers as they made their way down.

He seems really upset.

He was walking fast and looked like he was distracted. Does he even know where we're going?

"Carl." Kacey called out timidly, stopping in her tracks.

Carl's fingers brushed her palm as they lost contact with her. He turned around and met her gaze. He still looked upset.

"What's wrong?" Kacey asked gently.

Carl looked away and ran his fingers though his hair. He shook his head a little.

"Did I do something wrong?" Her voice was faint.

He looked back at her and his expression instantly lost its edge. "No, no. Of course not. It's just that…" He trailed off and focused on the ground, placing Kacey's backpack gently next to where they were standing.

He met her eyes again and he sighed. "I'm just so sorry. Really. This is my fault. You didn't need to stick up for me when you did and I feel so awful that you had to deal with that." His eyes crinkled with sincerity. His expression physically hurt Kacey. He genuinely believed it was his fault.

She swallowed the lump in her throat as the silence continued on. It wasn't uncomfortable. There was just so much Kacey wanted to say but didn't know how (or if) she could say it.

Why can't I just tell him everything?! The truth. Like how I can't be in a relationship and how he scares me and how I'm a fucking mess!

"Carl…I'm…" She struggled to find the right words. "I…." She bit her lip and inhaled shakily, then paused, looking deeply into his eyes. The silence continued on as they gazed at each other. It was as if they didn't need words.

His eyes are so warm.

Kacey could feel herself blush. His hair was a little ruffled from shoving Wesley against the locker, and his cheeks were tinged red from anger, but slowly fading back to his normal skin tone.

She opened her mouth to say something, anything. He waited patiently.

Then, she had an idea. She blurted it out before she could change her mind.

"Want to go to my house?"

He raised his eyebrows in surprise as a smile slowly crept on his face.

Kacey grinned back at him.