Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 11

Prophecy of Dumb

"Let us outta here!" Kio roared, rattling the cell bars in fury. "…Pretty please?" The rest of Allen's crew crowded behind him in the tiny, dirty cell, banging the door and voicing their own anger at the unfair treatment they were receiving from the Freidians.

Also, they were all still pretty drunk from the booze they'd pinched from the royal wine cellars.

"This is bullshit, you bald sons of-" Oruto began.

"You're bald, too, dumbass!" Reeden snapped.

"Yeah, but I pull it off." He glanced at the others. "Hey, I'm trading you for a cigarette."

"You don't even smoke you asshole-"

"Pyle's pissing in the water bucket!" Tio complained.

"I can't find the flusher, you guys. I think this toilet's broken."

"Excuse me," Gaddess piped up from the back, "but if we aren't let out of here soon, I will shank a bitch."

"Oh shit you guys I think I gotta shit."

"…Specifically Pyle."

"Behave yourselves! You're being treated humanely!" a Freidian guard snapped. He held out several dog-bowls filled with Kibbles n' Bits. "Here's your supper." The crew freaked out. "It helps promote seven signs of a healthy coat! Shut up or we'll lock you in with ALLEN!"

The crew immediately fell silent, sitting on the floor of their cell demurely and munching their dog-food.

"Not bad," Pyle muttered, chewing. "How's my hair look?"

"Wimps," Hitomi sniffed with disdain as she was marched past the cell, a guard at her side. "I lasted a whole twenty minutes with Allen before I decked him in the-"

"You'd better be well behaved while you're with Plactu, girl," the guard snapped irritably. "We don't know if the doctor's going to be able to save that poor man's ball."

"…But I just brushed my teeth-"

"Plac-TU!" The guard shoved her into a small, dark room with bars on the door and ceiling, where an opening yawned wide to reveal the Messed-up Moon and starry night sky above. "Wait in here. Refreshments to your left."

Hitomi looked to the side and saw a bucket with a dead rat in it.

"…Yeah I'm gonna pass."

"Hello, Hitomi," Prince Chid said rather mournfully, making her jump. He sat in a viewing area in the corner of the room, sectioned off by iron bars.

"Prince Chid?" Hitomi glanced around at her surroundings. "…Am I gonna have to fight my way to freedom like some ye old gladiator?" She paused. "Cuz I think at this point, I can take anyone." She raised her fists, ready to go. "Is it Millerna? Please let it be Millerna. Or Merle. Or Allen." She paused again. "Hell I'll take 'em all on-"

"Hitomi, no! I would never force you to-"

"Aww, come on! Pleaaaase?"

"Plactu's magic will bring out the truth of your intentions," Chid explained.

"You're just gonna trust whatever this guy says?" Hitomi scoffed. "Dude can't even brush his teeth-"

"I am the Prince of this country!" Chid said passionately. "It's tradition for the royal family to follow Plactu's advice. It's what's best for my country, and my people."

"You're, like, FIVE," Hitomi stated. "You should be thinking what's the best color crayon to stick up your nose!"

"Alright, is this the first victim- hot shit I would climb those legs like a ladder- OH CRAP IT'S HER!" Zongi (still in Plactu's form) appeared in the doorway, eyeing Hitomi with wary suspicion. "…You are to be interrogated, maggot- I mean…ma'am."

"Alright, I can totally take this old coot!" Hitomi popped him in the nose. "Thumbs up or down, Prince Chid?"

-With Van and the Others-

"Excuse me, I booked a single dungeon cell with a king-sized dirty cot, why am I locked in here with these two nitwits?" Van was asking, motioning over his shoulder to Allen and Merle, who were stuck in the cell with him. "Also, why are you starting the questioning with Hitomi? It's not fair! I wanted to badmouth Allen first! Meee!"

"Can I badmouth Hitomi?" Merle asked eagerly. Van kicked her in the face.

"Look, kid," Borus explained, "if you guys haven't done anything wrong, you won't be punished. We'll release all of you and forget this ever happened." He paused thoughtfully. "Unless it turns out you're guilty, in which case, we'll have a mass execution." Millerna stood next to the large man, checking out his massive shoulders.

"Do you work out?" She asked suddenly. "You look like you work out."

"Borus, please believe us! We came here to tell you the truth!" Allen urged, looking him in the eye. "We are completely innocent of any-"

"A messenger arrived from Austuria half an hour ago," Borus interrupted. "Apparently there's a price on both your heads, as well as the Escaflowne's."

There was an awkward pause.

"…Fucking parking tickets coming back to bite me in the ass!" Allen hissed furiously. "I can't help it if my Guymelef takes up two parking spaces!"

"A bounty? How much am I worth?" Van asked, curious. "Just kidding bitch I'm priceless." He batted his eyelashes flirtatiously at Borus, who stared back at him, deadpan. "…Seriously though how much."

"Five."

"Five…hundred?" Van prompted. "Five…thousand?"

"Five. Five dollars." Borus blinked slowly. "That's how much your bounty is."

"…I'm gonna go take another dump in that stupid country's woods-"

"The bounty's mostly for the Escaflowne and Allen," Borus said.

"Ha! Austuria, you old flame, crawling back to me at last," Allen snickered.

"…Actually they're paying to NOT bring you back."

"UGH! Fine! That's it! I'm done with countries! I'm only with men now!" Allen tossed his hair in disgust. "Van, come here!"

"FUCK no!"

"Enough of this! Allen's no liar!" Millerna cried, jumping in to defend her love. "Just the other day he promised me a pony and a diamond ring and a-"

"Uh, yeah, about that, Millerna…" Allen began, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Oh, come on, Allen! Next you'll say you lied about loving me-"

"UHHHHHHHHH-"

"You lying scum! Off with his head!"

-Time for Hitomi's Interrogation!-

The interrogation had begun. Hitomi sat across from Zongi (who had tissue wadded up his nose) on the floor, incense burning in a jar between them. The scented smoke wafted through the room as Zongi leaned forward intently, firing questions at her.

"Alright, filth- I mean, GIRL, 'Earth' is the name of your homeland?"

"For the last time, yes!" Hitomi answered, exasperated. "And you don't have to make that stupid noise every time you-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHNNNNNN!" She shut up. "Now, where is this country?"

"Up your ass-"

"EEEEHHH-"

"It's on the Messed-up Moon!"

The occupants of the sectioned-off… section of the room gasped in surprise. Princess Millerna, Prince Chid, and Borus were watching the interrogation with interest.

"Wait, why aren't you in a cell?" Borus asked suddenly, frowning down at Millerna. "How did you get in here so fast?! HOW DID I GET IN HERE?!"

"Hitomi's an alien!" Millerna shrieked. "Do you even have a vagina? Multiple vaginas?! These are the important questions you need to be asking, Gingivitis-"

"It's PLACTU!" Zongi snarled at her, then turned back to glare at Hitomi. "True or false! You launched a sneak attack against a Zaibach Floating Fortress, and you destroyed an Energist mine as well! ANSWER!"

"…I'd like to phone a friend, Regis-"

"EEEEEHHHNNN-"

"Yes, it's true! Quit it!" Hitomi admitted. "You're almost as annoying as Merle!"

"Hold on!" Millerna broke in as the others gasped again. "Ask her why they did it!" Stunned silence filled the room as everyone stared at the Princess of Austuria in dumfounded awe. "…What am I having a nip-slip or something-"

"That's…possibly…the smartest thing you've ever said," Chid said slowly, eyes wide. Millerna beamed.

"Well, we blew up the mine cuz we were bored and we attacked the Floating Fortress cuz ALLEN was bored-"

"OKAY STOP THIS ISN'T HELPING FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!" Millerna quickly sat back down, flustered.

"How did you discover the location of the Fortress and the mine?" Zongi demanded to know. "Google Maps doesn't include Gaia!"

"I dowsed with my pendant," Hitomi shrugged nonchalantly. "I used my mind to see things." She paused. "Like how I'm using it to see myself slugging you right now-"

"Give it!" Zongi's hand shot out. "Hand over that necklace, little girl!"

"Hey, I stole it fair and square-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHNNNN!"

"TAKE IT!" Hitomi ripped off her pendant and flung it at him. As Zongi leaned forward to catch the necklace, their hands brushed, and an explosion of light engulfed the two. Prince Chid, Millerna and Borus stared in shock at Hitomi and Zongi, who sat on the ground, frozen in place, still and unmoving.

"Who hit the pause button?!" Millerna cried.

"What's happened, Borus?" Chid whispered in fright. "Why aren't they moving?"

"Maybe they're buffering-"

"Aunt Millerna PLEASE."

-Trippy Dream Sequence!-

"What…what IS this?!" Zongi hissed, glancing about him in a panic. The interrogation room had vanished, leaving only a pitch-black world of nothingness. "Where am I?!"

"Hell if I know." He whirled about and saw Hitomi floating around in the void behind him, legs tucked up under her. "You gotta admit it's better than the other place, though." She glanced over at him. "Oh ew I spoke too soon."

"Huh?" Zongi looked down at himself and gasped. He was back in his pasty white doppelganger form, naked as a jay. "My spell! My form! My rockin' ass! It's gone! Did you do this?!" He took a menacing step towards Hitomi. "Let me out of here, wench, or-"

The darkness surrounding them suddenly sprang to life, and like a movie projector, showed Zongi infiltrating the Freidian ship and killing the real Plactu, then assuming his form.

"This movie looks like shit," Hitomi commented, still floating in the air and munching on some popcorn. "How am I supposed to feel for this character when he's a complete asshole?"

"You are a doppelganger," a decrepit voice spoke from the darkness, "who has countless faces, but none of them are your own."

"Ooh, cool tag-line," Hitomi said as Zongi watched in horror, spellbound.

"For we live in battle, and we die in battle," the voice continued. "We eat in battle, sleep in battle, do number two in battle-"

"Okay nevermind it just got weird."

An enormous battlefield under a blood red sky appeared. One of the countless soldiers struck out, killing another, who fell to the ground and turned into a doppelganger. The other man recoiled in horror, changing back into none other than Zongi himself.

"B-brother!" He cried in despair. "…I think. We all kinda look alike-"

"Oh shit." Hitomi slurped a drink, raising an eyebrow. "Plot twist."

Now the darkness showed an arched hallway flooded with light. Folken stood in front of Zongi, who knelt reverently before him, head bowed.

"Do you curse this world?" He asked quietly. "Do you curse your fate? Do you curse those bastards at fast-food places who won't give you that second packet of ketchup you ask for? You were born to be a killer, but, Zongi…come with me. Break free from the terrible chains that bind your people!" He paused. "…And…keep killing and stuff. But for ME, so that makes it better. Somehow."

"Man, I love this actor," Hitomi said. "Where have I seen him before? He's SO familiar…"

"Enough of this!" Zongi snarled, rounding on her. "This is your power? Now that you know my secret…I'm going to have to…" He paused dramatically. "…ask you nicely to never tell anyone."

"Huh what?" Hitomi glanced up from her cell-phone. "Sorry, man. Just Tweeted it. It's all over the internet now."

"Oh well in that case I'll just fucking kill you." He took a step towards her, a murderous gleam in his eye-

*Squish!*

"Euuugh!" Zongi grimaced as his foot hit something cold and wet. "What the hell did I step in?" He looked down and blanched. "Good Gods…is that…a Crima-"

"Yeah, sorry, I dropped some of my ice-cream shake," Hitomi apologized, still floating. "Also are my keys down there? I can't find them."

"Oh." Zongi blinked. "Well then." He took another step forward, intent on-

*Squish!*

"That's liquid metal. You should really watch where you're stepping."

Zongi shrieked in fear as the liquid metal climbed his leg, traveling upwards with terrifying speed. Soon it had reached his waist and was approaching his shoulders.

"Sorry, but I predict you're going to die very soon," Hitomi said softly before pausing. "…And you will get a visit from an old friend. Your lucky number is five."

"I'm taking you with me, girl!" Zongi snarled, grabbing hold of her arm.

"Let go of me, asshole, or I'll predict you'll die even SOONER!" Hitomi tried to pull away, but the liquid metal traveled up her arm and began covering her as well. She screamed in horror as she was completely enveloped, the liquid metal suddenly constricting with a grotesque snap.

-Back to the Normal World!-

A piercing scream rang out through the dungeon, echoing off the walls and down the dimly-lit corridoors.

"Aunt Millerna, really?" Chid asked, watching the Austurian princess cringe away from a spider on the wall. "It's not even that big."

"That's what I tell Allen-"

Hitomi suddenly fell over backwards, her eyes wide open and staring blankly up at the ceiling. Zongi, still in his Plactu form, also fell back, panting and staring at Hitomi in complete horror.

"That little girl!" He managed to gasp out. "She's a complete monster!"

"Hey, pal! I'm the only one who gets to call her that!" Princess Millerna snapped, pushing past the others to crouch over Hitomi. "Hitomi, don't die! Please! You still have some of my thongs!"

"Aunt Millerna?" Chid asked, his voice tight with fear. "Is she okay?" Millerna unbuttoned Hitomi's shirt and placed her head on her chest.

"Obviously not, look how small her titties are, the poor thing- hold on." She paused, frowning. "…Did someone mute her chest? I can't hear her heart beating."

"WHAT?!" Everyone gasped.

-With Van-

Van, Merle, and Allen watched as soldiers ran about the dungeon in a state of panic. As several dashed past their cell, Van threw out a hand, catching one rushing by. He was immediately yanked off his feet and his face smashed against the bars.

"HOW DID I THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA-"

"Leggo, kid!" The soldier shook him off. "Shit's hit the fan! The prisoner died during the interrogation! She did NOT want to answer that last question! And we need to call a lawyer!"

Van and Allen gasped in horror at the news. Merle cheered, waving pom-poms she'd fashioned from the moldy straw they used for bedding.

"…Exactly how dead are we talking about?" Allen asked after a long moment. "Dead dead or just brain dead? I can work with brain dead, she can blink she loves me before we have consensual vegetable sex-"

"Allen!" Prince Chid came running down the hall and stopped at their cell, panting. "Hitomi's in trouble, but I can't let you out of the cell to do anything about it, so really why am I even-"

"Enough!" Van suddenly lunged forward through the bars, grabbing hold of the boy by his robes. Snatching a small pocketknife from Allen, he flicked it open and menaced Chid with it. "Alright, brat! Let us out of here or I'll-" He suddenly realized he was holding a tube of cherry red lipstick. "…Why the fuck was this in your pocket-"

"It's my emergency stash!" Allen huffed. "I like to be prepared for everything!" He paused. "I have eye-shadow and blush, too. And condoms, but you can't have those."

"Well, great, how are we going to get out of here now-"

"No! Please, don't! It doesn't even match my eyes!" Chid burst into tears, flinching away from the lipstick. Van blinked.

"Wow, he sounds just like you, Allen," he said. "Are you guys-"

*GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNG!*

"FUCK OFF!" Van kicked the gong-man away. "Christ, that guy is annoying!"

"Highness!" Borus gasped, coming upon the scene. "You sick son of a- it doesn't even match his EYES!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?! OPEN THE DOOR, MAN!" Van shouted, fed up. Borus had no choice but to obey, and soon Van, Merle, and Allen were free and rushing down the hall towards the interrogation room. "We're coming, Hitomi!"

-Back to Millerna!-

"Honk, honk! Come on, Hitomi! Wake up!" Millerna was busy squeezing Hitomi's boobs in an attempt to wake the girl from her stupor. It wasn't working very well. "Look, I'll let you touch mine!" She lifted one of Hitomi's limp hands and pressed it to her chest, with no reaction. "COME ON HITOMI I'M TRYING HERE-"

The door suddenly slammed open and Van stumbled in, panting for breath.

"Hitomi, are you- HWOAH SHIT!" He flung himself backwards, eyes bulging at the titillating (pun intended) sight before him. "I…thank you, just…thank you-"

"…Does this mean I don't have to worry about her raping Lord Van?" Merle asked from the doorway. "Before I do, I mean."

"What's wrong with her?" Van shoved the cat-girl back out into the hall and hurried across the room to kneel next to Millerna.

"Good Lord, where should I even start; her fashion sense is horrible, hairdo is absolute shit, and her personality-"

"I mean why isn't she moving?"

"Oh, that!" Millerna scoffed. "Her heart isn't working. But that's not the only thing that's not working, if you know what I mean-"

"Give her CPR!" Chid suggested as he was dragged into the room. Allen now held him at lipstick-point, and was drooling heavily at the sight of the half-naked girl. "Hey, watch the shirt it's silk."

"Okay!" Van positioned his hands on Hitomi's chest. "Now what?"

"Tell her she's pretty!"

"Allen, get the fuck out."

"Push in time with your own heartbeat!" Chid answered. "One, two, three! Go!"

Van closed his eyes and listened to his heartbeat, finding the rhythm. He began pushing down on Hitomi's chest, again and again, trying to resuscitate her. Hitomi lay unresponsive, eyes blank and empty. Borus and Freidian soldiers stood at the entrance to the interrogation room watching the spectacle, fraught with worry over the threat of a lawsuit.

"Breathe, dammit! Breathe!" Van begged. "Come on, Hitomi! Don't leave me alone with these people! Don't you DA- wait when do I breathe into her or whatever?"

"I'll do it!" Allen swooped in for the kill. "With tongue! That'll wake her up!"

"That is assault-"

"GUUAAAHHH!" Hitomi suddenly drew in a ragged breath and sat upright, violently head-butting Allen away with a loud crack. She blinked once, glanced around the crowded room in confusion, snickered at Allen clutching his face, and finally noticed her unbuttoned shirt with Van's hands still on her chest. She stared back at him blankly for a long moment, mind working slowly. "…Was it good for you?"

Van burst out laughing and hugged her.

"Doesn't anyone wanna see MY tits?" Millerna asked aloud as everyone cheered jubilantly, drowning her out. "But mine are so much BETTER! One's bigger than the other!"

"Shit!" Merle hissed grumpily in the corner. "Bitch has more lives than I do!"

"Thanks for saving my life and stuff, Van," Hitomi told him, gently patting his back, "but get your hands off my boobs, or I'm gonna bite off all your fingers."

"Can do!" Van quickly pulled his hands away, then discretely smelled them.

"Okay now I'm gonna do it anyway-"

"It's a miracle!" Borus whispered in awe. "…Now just sign this liability contract saying you won't sue us for accidental death or bodily harm-"

"Ow! Fuck! That must have been one HELL of a kiss!" Allen declared, straightening. One of his eyes was badly blackened and puffy. "Felt like a head-butt to the face!" Chid took advantage of his distraction and punched him in the balls, slipping from his grasp. "OH GOD NOT AGAIN-" Immediately dozens of Freidian soldiers tackled Allen savagely, trussing him up and making an enormous dog-pile atop his body. Borus was the last to join them.

"So…what the hell happened?" Van asked Hitomi after they stopped laughing at the sight. She gasped and grabbed his arm.

"There's this new movie coming out that looks really good-" she began.

"No I mean with the interrogation."

"Oh. OH! The fake!" She sat up, glancing around. "That Plactu! Where is he?! He's a fake, from Zaibach! And he's going to die! Very soon!"

"You mean…" Van gulped. "Is this…one of your predictions-"

"Hell no I'm going to fucking kill him." Hitomi scowled. "Fate can have him once I'm done."

"Plactu's a Zaibach spy?" Chid repeated dubiously. "Are you positive?"

"Bitch, watch the trailer!" Hitomi snapped at him. "He killed the real Plactu and took his shape! The escaped prisoner was almost killed by him, too! Ohh, just wait till I get my hands on him-"

"Don't mind her, gentlemen," Millerna leaned forward, smiling sweetly. "Obviously Hitomi here is a little oxygen-starved and is talking crazy. Just ignore her, and check out my much bigger rack-"

"She's trying to help us, moron!" Merle hissed at her.

"…Oh." Millerna leaned forward again. "Please forget everything I've just said."

"Gladly," Chid answered quickly, then looked up at Borus, who still lay on the huge dog-pile crushing Allen. "Where's Plactu now?"

"He's nowhere to be found, Prince," Borus confessed, rolling off the pile.

"Cuz, you know, that's not suspicious at all," Van said sarcastically.

"I know!" Millerna agreed. "Maybe he's got the shits."

"Enough! Your Highness, we can't waste any more time!" Hitomi stood up, buttoning her shirt (to Van's disappointment). "We have to track him down before he tells Zaibach about my secret!"

"What secret, sweetie?" Millerna asked her. "That you dress like an old woman and are ten pounds overweight? Honey, we already KNOW-" Prince Chid suddenly walked over to Allen, drawing his small sword from its sheath. "Wait no gimme ten minutes first-" Chid cut Allen loose from his ropes and helped him to his feet. "Wait no I might need those-"

"Allen," Prince Chid said with all seriousness, "I need your help! Please, go catch the imposter and prove your innocence and unwavering courage in the face of danger!"

Allen stared down at the boy, blinked once…

And then slowly lay back down on the ground again and closed his eyes.

"You guys can jump on me again," he told the guards. "I am NOT going."

"Oh my God! We'll go," Hitomi said, taking Van by the arm.

"Geez, Allen, you're such a- wait hold on we're gonna what now-"

-Later, on the Roof of the Freid Palace-

"I can't believe you're just letting us leave," Van said to Prince Chid, gripping the reins of the Dragon-form Escaflowne, Hitomi sitting behind him. The night sky blazed with stars above. "And where the hell have you been all this time, huh?" he asked the Guymelef.

"In the gardens sipping wine with a harem of sexy Guymelefs- STUCK IN THE DAMN CELLAR WHADDAYA THINK."

"We're not fools," Borus growled at Van. "We're keeping Allen and Millerna here at the Palace. If you don't return within twenty-four hours, we'll execute them." There was a short pause. "Or twenty-four minutes, whenever we get sick of them."

"…Why would that stop us from-"

"Focus, Van! We have to hurry and find that doppelganger before anything happens to him!" Hitomi cut in, "…so I can get to him first!" She closed her eyes and dangled her pendant out, clearing her mind. "Hey man. How's it? The wife and kids doing good? That's great…hm? Oooh. You should probably get that checked out. Sounds infectious. Anyway, mind telling me where the doppelganger is?" An image entered her mind, clear as day. "There's a tower, over there!" She pointed off to the left.

"Roger!" Van turned right.

"VAN."

"Can't blame me for trying," Van muttered, snapping the reins for takeoff. As they sailed up and away into the darkness, the others watched them depart in silence.

"…Can we execute them now-"

"NO, Borus."

-With Zongi-

Zongi had arrived moments ago at said tower, an old, crumbling ruin with stairs in the middle of a forest. Dilandau had double-parked his Guymelef in the back in a handicap space and stood atop the tower, distractedly listening to Zongi's report. He snapped out of a flamethrower-themed fantasy at the doppelganger's last statement and whirled around.

"A chick from the Messed-up Moon? With a set of legs that doesn't distract from her horrible lesbian haircut?!" He narrowed his eyes, recognizing Hitomi's description instantly.

"Yes, Lord Dilandau." Zongi ducked his head, having returned to his natural butt-ugly form. "She has the power to see the past and future. And she's pretty good at movie reviews-"

"She's psychic?! But…that would mean-" Dilandau froze, thinking of all the times his plans had been foiled by Hitomi at the last possible minute. "…Excuse me for a moment." He stepped onto the lift that brought him up into the belly of his Guymelef, the hatch closing behind him.

Zongi waited.

A long, muffled scream could be heard.

Zongi waited some more.

Finally the hatch opened and the lift lowered Dilandau back down.

"…You alright?" Zongi asked nervously.

"Peaches and cream, Zongi," Dilandau replied, hand on his hip. "Just found out that girl is the cause of all my pain and suffering, and it's time to reciprocate. Good work! I'd shake your hand but you're fucking disgusting." The lift again brought him to the melef's cockpit, which closed behind him. "Here's your reward!" The melef's arm lifted, a decoratively-wrapped present perched on the tip of its stump. Zongi squealed happily and began to tear the paper off.

"Ooh! What is it? I can't wait to see what- HOLD ON IS THAT A NOOSE." Liquid metal shot out of the box, wrapping around Zongi's head and trapping him.

"You didn't kill Miguel, fuckwad!" Dilandau hissed menacingly. "When I said he was fired, I literally meant fired! With fucking FIRE!"

"Shit! We're not gonna make it!" Hitomi cried as they neared the tower, a sickening feeling in her gut. "It's all your fault, Van! You just had to stop at Taco Bell!"

"I wanted a burrito, okay?" Van had the burrito in one hand as he steered the Escaflowne with the other. "Now do you want a bite, or not?"

"What are you, stupid?! Of COURSE I do!"

The liquid metal engulfed Zongi entirely and constricted with a loud SNAP, killing him instantly. Hitomi shrieked as she witnessed his death in her mind's eye.

"S…SPOILERS!" She choked out, then slumped over limply.

"What's wrong, Hitomi?!" Van barely managed to catch her before she fell off the flying melef, dropping his burrito in the process. "Oh shit was it the burrito? I knew it tasted a little funny-"

"Dammit, I shoulda made him turn into the girl first so I could practice murdering her," Dilandau muttered to himself, Zongi's corpse falling to the ground. Just then, the Escaflowne whizzed past his head, Van and Hitomi on the back. "…Or I could just do it now! Sic 'em, boys!" He began taking pot-shots at the Dragon. Several Dragonslayers popped out of the surrounding forest and joined in, Stealth Cloaks activated.

"Van, you need to concentrate," Hitomi coached, shots whistling overhead like murderous fireworks. "Just picture them in your mind, and you'll see them!"

"Can't I just say 'Marco'? It almost worked last time."

"NO, Van, you have to close your eyes and concentrate-"

"How the hell am I supposed to do that in the middle of a fight?!"

"You do it, or you're horribly dismembered and rearranged in alphabetical order by Dillykins down there!" Hitomi shouted in his ear.

"…I find that extremely motivating." Van closed his eyes and obeyed. The chest cavity of the Escaflowne popped open, dropping out its sword, which the Dragon-form melef caught easily in one large claw.

"Alright! Just tell me where they are, kid! Let's do this!"

"I see it…it's right…" Van pictured the pendant in his mind and watched as it swung forward. "THERE!"

The Escaflowne's sword swung out, singing through the air and plunging deep into-

Van's dropped burrito.

"YES!" Van cheered. "I found it again! Come to daddy!"

"Please tell me you didn't actually do that," Hitomi groaned. "Who am I kidding OF COURSE YOU DID."

"What it's got nine layers-"

"Shut up and gimme another bite."

"Okay fuck this we are never working together again." The Escaflowne growled. "I'm landing so I can properly kick your ASS-" The melef dropped out of the sky and landed right on Dilandau, whose Stealth Cloak malfunctioned and promptly became visible. The opposing parties stared at each other for a long moment.

"…Hi," Van said after the awkward pause.

"DIE!" Dilandau screamed, catching sight of Hitomi. He stabbed at her with a Crima Claw lance that Van barely blocked an inch from her face.

"Whoa, pal! Back off!" he cried. "That's her third best feature!"

"Oh shit Van thanks- hold on THIRD best?!" Hitomi glared at him. "What's the first?" Van didn't answer. "…I swear to God if you say it's my legs-"

"YOU! You're the one!" Dilandau snarled through gritted teeth, glaring hatefully at Hitomi. "You're the one who keeps fucking up all my plans!"

"…Yes. Yes I do," Hitomi admitted matter-of-factly. Dilandau stared at her.

"Well…would you stop?"

"…No."

"YOU FUCKING BITCH I ASKED NICELY-"

Van suddenly jerked the reigns, causing the Escaflowne to rear up on its back legs and head-butt Dilandau away.

"Not the face!" The Escaflowne yelped. "That's MY best feature!"

"And here's mine! MY BACKSIDE!" Van shouted, yanking them around to flee. Dilandau shrieked in fury as they rose and began flying away.

"I can't believe this! You're standing me up again?! You fucking TEASE! Get back here!" His Guymelef tried vainly to rise into flight mode but was too damaged and fell to the ground in a heap. "AAAARRRRGH!" Dilandau's muffled screams followed the Escaflowne and its passengers as they sped out of sight.

"Actually I'd say your skin is your best feature, Van. You have a really nice complexion."

"Thanks, Hitomi."

-Back at the Palace of Freid-

"Wow!" Prince Chid stared up at Hitomi and Van, eyes sparkling with wonder. "I can't believe you two actually returned!"

"I forgot my sword," Van said sulkily.

"And ME, Lord Van!" Merle piped up.

"Yeah, but that was on purpose."

"The doppelganger was killed, so we lost the only proof we had that Plactu was an imposter," Hitomi admitted. "Even worse, the movie was ruined for me."

"Don't worry," Borus soothed the pair. "You two have already proven yourselves innocent by coming back instead of running away. But then again, it's not like we really would have executed Allen and Millerna-"

"What's with the black hood and axe, man?" Van asked.

"NOTHING." Borus quickly threw the items aside and cleared his throat.

"We also believe you because they found the corpse of the real Plactu in the forest," Prince Chid explained. "…Along with a bunch of other bodies." He paused. "No-one's allowed in the forest right now."

"How about the showers? This desert heat is drying out my hair, I need to do some deep-conditioning before I start getting split-ends," Allen said, inspecting his blonde locks. "Also I have to shit."

"I have some special conditioner for that," Chid replied, smiling up at him. "…For your hair, not the pooping."

"Hey! You know something?" Millerna suddenly cut in, glancing between Chid and Allen. "You two sure do look alike! Your eyes and hair are the same color! You could almost be brothers, or even-"

*GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!*

"…You did not just do that to me," Millerna whispered dangerously, glaring daggers at the gong-man. He paled and took a quick step back. "THAT GONG IS GOING UP YOUR ASS-"

"The Duke has arrived!" a soldier reported, running up to the group.

"Father is home!" Chid gasped with delight. "I hope he got me shoes!"

"…Okay there is seriously something between you two-"

*GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!*

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER-"

Everyone gathered at the palace entrance to watch the Duke of Freid arrive. A huge warship was docking, and a small lift brought the esteemed Duke down to his native soil.

"Prince Chid's father, huh?" Hitomi thought to herself as the man came into view. "I bet he's the spitting image of-"

Bedecked with a large crown and swirling cape, the Duke had a dark complexion and eyes, thick eyebrows and a narrow, black beard.

"…Are you fucking kidding me-"

-Episode 11 End-