Chapter 11: You're Much Sweeter Then Me By Far…
Friday, November 4th, 2011
HALEY
Every Friday, I was graced with the notion of having the third period of the day free.
9:51 a.m. to 10:46 a.m. every single Friday morning, all to myself.
It was an hour of which contained a plethora of opportunity; an hour I could spend catching up on the massive amounts of work that I knew I had to get done; you know, grading papers, cleaning up, even catching up on some of that desperately needed sleep that I have been so deprived of recently…
Of course, none of that was actually what I'd found myself doing. In fact, it wasn't even close.
I have no idea what made me do it. In fact, if you asked, even as I walked through the halls of Tree Hill Memorial Hospital, I still remained completely oblivious towards my reasoning for centering this brief period of free time on straining my time limit to the absolute threshold on placing a visit to Brooke and Sam.
I guess that the two of them have just been on my mind lately… More so than usual, I mean.
It had all started last night after Jamie once again began pestering me, as he had ever since I'd told him the news about Sam, to visit both his Aunt Brooke and Sam in the hospital, and once again, I'd responded to his inquiry by changing the subject and ultimately leaving his question un-answered.
It wasn't that I didn't want him to visit the two people he loved the most, nor that I didn't want them to see him; it was just that I was afraid…
I was afraid of what Jamie seeing Sam in this capacity would do to him. I was afraid of his perspective of his adoring Aunt Brooke would be once he saw her in such a panic…
And you can call me a crazy, over protective parent all you want, but with all of the things that Jamie has already been through in his short life, I think that I have a right to be a crazy over protective parent at this point.
But I was starting to run low on excuses.
I had spent the last several days telling him that I couldn't take him anywhere until his father returned from his basketball game in Florida on Saturday, although that's never stopped us before, and, just to stick to my guns, and ensure his continuous belief of this false notion, I wouldn't even let him have so much of a play date…
But now that I found myself wandering about the now-familiar halls of Tree Hill Memorial Hospital's sixth floor, alone, and very confused, I couldn't help but feel exceptionally bad that Jamie wasn't tagging along besides me…
Even if it was a school day.
It was only after I'd rounded into Sam's room that I forced my thoughts from Jamie and onto the task in front of me.
It was nice to see Sam out of bed, lounging with her feet up within the giant armchair besides it, forcing Brooke to take the shaft in accepting the narrow folding chair that had a tendency to coil your spine up into knots if you sat in it any longer than fifteen minutes; a lesson I had learned from personal experience.
Neither seemed to be paying attention to anything in particular; Sam had Brooke's laptop open on the table in front of her, her earphones plugged into her ears, watching something dully on the screen in front of her while Brooke busied herself adding some hand-drawn clothes onto the nude mannequin drawing on the sketch in front of her…
I guess that it was common knowledge that hospitals tended to be the most boring places in the history of the world, unless of course you allowed your mind to be over-run by all of those action packed sequences they always depicted in those stupid TV shows I never watched like Grey's Anatomy and ER where people are constantly being skewered together by telephone poles or having their limbs ripped off by rabid crocodiles or whatever…
I stepped slowly into the room, hoping that my mere presence would be enough of a distraction to collect either of their attentions, but apparently I had thought wrong.
Sam continued to merely stare into space, looking more as if she was simply looking for something to do with her eyes rather than actually paying attention to anything while meanwhile, Brooke continued to stare seemingly deeper into space, just wishing for the time to fly by faster.
But most strikingly, I noticed was that in my quickest of glances, I struggled to identify which one of the two was actually sick; of course, Sam's less than healthy appearance was obvious, expected even at this stage of the game; Brooke, well she just looked downright crappy.
Making a mental note to ensure that I took Brooke home with me to get some sleep or something when I left, I cleared my throat loudly enough to catch the two's attention.
The motion had worked just as I had anticipated on it doing, their head shooting simultaneously sideways and towards me, the only thing changing in their motions being the torque of their necks as their faces appeared just as empty, just as emotionless as it had before I'd made my entrance, but I understood, I realized that there was no way in hell there could be any more space left inside those heads of theirs in between all of those layers of exhaustion and disease.
"Oh geez, you're back again?" Sam greeted me in her characteristic sarcasm.
"Yeah, I had a free period this morning I figured I might as well stop by." I shrugged in my response.
"A free period; what, did you finally kill those freshman?" I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that it was common knowledge amongst the students at Tree Hill High School that I absolutely despised teaching freshman.
"Now if I told you that, I'd have to kill you." She smirked in appreciation of my at least attempted humor.
"Haley, I never would have guessed that from you." Her face settled into a joking expression of mock disappointment as she shook her head at me…
"You'd be surprised the things you don't know about me, Sam," I joked, unable to help but to smile as I evaluated our brief, thirty second interaction and quickly came up with two conclusions; the first being that for Sam at least, today was looking to be a pretty good day, at least, she looked as if she was feeling well, the second that Brooke's appearance seemed to have the exact opposite effect on me.
Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the fact that it's probably been days since she'd last slept or ate, hell, maybe she was just in a particularly bad mood, but whatever it was, after the briefest of hello's, she'd barely so much as looked up at me…
"So," Sam opened the conversation, "What's going on at Tree Hill High without me?" She watched me closely for my response, lifting herself upwards and out of her chair, settling into her bed, freeing up the space for me, which I accepted gratefully.
"Nothing too out of the ordinary," I shrugged; I'd almost forgotten that at this point, it's probably been at least a week since Sam had been inside of her high school, and it would probably be a lot longer before she would step inside of it again, "Third period English has been a bit quiet though."
"Yeah, I'd imagine now that you don't have anybody to boss around anymore." Sam laughed, practically forcing me to do the same considering how right she truly was… It was true, after all, that I have been known to take advantage of Sam's potential in my classroom once or twice despite the fact that I knew more than anyone that she would much rather remain silent in the background.
"So, uh… what have all of the rumors about me been?" She had been itching to ask the question, probably since the moment she'd been in here.
"Well, let's see… um… I heard a really good one yesterday that you got gangrene and had to have both of your hands amputated," Yup, that one was actually true, after all, you couldn't make stuff like that up. "I ended that one pretty quickly though."
"Oh man, you should have kept it going! You could have told them that I was getting a sweet robotic arm or something."
"Yeah well, I think that the real word on the streets is starting to catch on… You know Tree Hill High; you can never keep a secret for very long… You can ask your mother all about that one." I smirked, desperate to include Brooke inside of this conversation, identifying instantly the fact that Sam had taken my hint as immediate bait as she glanced up at Brooke with a sadistic grin on her face.
"Don't listen to her Sam; I was class president in high school." Brooke shouted quickly over her shoulder, finally slamming shut, the over-sized folder full of what I was assuming to be clothing sketches and focusing all of her attention on her present company.
Meanwhile, Sam and I merely exchanged looks; I knew that she had done her research on Brooke back in her high school days, and I knew that she was just waiting to latch onto something that would be useful in blackmail.
"How's Jamie been?" Brooke nudged the question between Sam and I, desperate for a change in the subject.
"He's good… He misses his favorite play mate though."
"I miss him too…" Sam sighed, looking downwards towards her hands as she linked her fingers around each other, "Maybe you can bring him around one day? I mean, there's always a ton of kids here, and they have a decent playroom down the hall and stuff…"
She threw up the suggestion, watching as I managed a half-assed smile alongside an even more half-assed nod, launching an internal debate deep within my mind as I struggled to get over my own ridiculous fears involving bringing Jamie to the hospital to visit.
"How about I bring him down over the weekend; maybe tomorrow afternoon, how does that sound?" In my determination to stick it to myself, I felt, a little bit too late, that I may have jumped the gun just a little bit.
"Really… can you?" Sam's face brightened visibly, causing my heart rate to slide down a notch or two out of gratefulness to have at least made her feel better.
"Yeah, yeah definitely… and you know, Nathan's coming home tomorrow from Miami so maybe we can all stop by, how does that sound?" I threw in any suggestion I could think of to help makes Sam's day at least a little bit better than it has been because let's be completely honest, Sam was in some great need of having some bettering added to her days.
"That would be cool." She nodded, siphoning off the flow of the conversation just in time for Brooke's phone to jump in and rejuvenate it; a shrill ring that had her up and on her feet to answer it in a manner of seconds.
"Hello?" She spoke into the phone, flashing us her raised index finger in indication that she would be right back as she retreated downwards into the hallway.
I followed her carefully with my eyes, watching as she closed the door behind her in her wake before parking herself directly in front of the large window separating this room from the hallway.
"She's sending in a new line to her company this afternoon," Sam explained, watching me as I watched Brooke talk extremely animatedly, and by the looks of things, extremely angrily at whoever it was on the other side of the phone line. "She's kind of stressing out over it."
"How is Brooke?" I asked, sighing heavily before swiveling my neck back around to face Sam.
"She's trying." Sam shrugged, her eyes wandering past my shoulder to watch Brooke herself, indicating my allowance to do the same as I watched the older woman talk until she was practically blue in the face due to her struggle to control her volume in the remembrance of where she was.
"I think that maybe I should go out there and talk to her." I offered with a sigh, realizing that it was best if this moment came sooner, rather than later.
"I think that maybe you should too." Sam agreed, her voice allowing me to focus, and I mean really focus, all of my attention onto Sam for the first time since I'd seen her in this hospital…
I had known from the very beginning the type of kid that Sam was; she had, after all, always been the fighter, the kid against the world, and I think that's the reason that she stuck out to me as much as she did…
I guess the thing that I'm trying to get at with all of this is just that it hurts me to know that with Sam, as with so many of the other kids that I had crossed paths with in my journey, she just didn't have a choice but to grow up being this way.
"Wish me luck," I sighed, pulling myself up and out of my chair, walking slowly towards the front lines, opening Sam's hospital room door to an immediate explosion of noise.
"No, Victoria! If you want to finalize this next line with such a damned fine tooth comb then you can do it yourself! There's no way in hell that I can get up to New York right now, and that's just something you'll have to deal with!" She yelled, hesitating for not even a split second before deciding she'd had enough with this conversation, forcefully hanging up the phone, making a move to throw the device down the length of the hallway in her frustration but thinking twice about the motion at just the last second, instead settling on relaxing her muscles as she slunk her arms gently down at her sides, defeated.
"So… that sounded like an interesting conversation." I allowed the question to fill the air, indicating my presence as I slowly slid my hands downwards into my pockets and lined myself up next to Brooke so that we stood shoulder to shoulder.
"Victoria," Brooke sighed, a hint of malice laced behind her voice as she rubbed a hand through her already disheveled hair, frayed and tattered with pure frustration so that it roughly resembled a bird's next, "It's like I can never do anything right with her…"
She threw herself downwards and into one of the chairs lined up within a row against the wall and I followed her lead, settling myself into the empty lot directly adjacent to her.
"Have you told her yet?" I asked after a brief hesitation, just waiting for that red glow of anger to fade from her eyes.
"No," She spoke instantly and forcefully, careful not to allow our eyes to meet… I guess I was going to have to rephrase my question…
"Do you have any intentions on ever telling her?" This time, my question sparked a pause, a second's hesitation as her brain scrambled to formulate the correct response towards my question.
"No," She ultimately settled on, and I understood that she had every right to be a bit hesitant when it came to Victoria and Sam, but honestly, Brooke cutting off her mother from something as big as this? It sounded a little bit extreme to me, even if it was Victoria that we were talking about here.
"I think that maybe you should think this out, Brooke." I pushed, and she didn't say anything, but it was all there, deep within her eyes… "Come on Brooke, you know that you're going to need all of the help that you can get, you know that there's gonna come a time when you need Victoria."
"Yeah, I'll need her like I need water in my lungs." The vast quantity of different metaphors and similes that Brooke was able to produce describing Victoria, each one more clever than the last, really did never cease to amaze me… If fashion doesn't work out for her, maybe she should take up a new career as an English teacher.
"I'm just saying Brooke, I mean, I got the feeling before that Sam and Victoria were… I don't know… kind of close."
"Right, and that was only because she tricked Sam into thinking that she actually cared about her when really all she was doing was trying to make up for being such a crappy mom to me so that she could satisfy her own selfishness. She's deceptive like that Haley, that's what Victoria does, and I don't trust her; not with me, and sure as hell not with Sam… What Sam needs throughout all of this is support; she doesn't need somebody trying to take advantage of the fact that she's fragile right now."
Brooke's opinions against Victoria were strong, and, I was certain of this much, unmovable.
"I just think that Sam would want to have her around, Brooke," I pushed relentlessly, "You know better than any of us that you can never predict what tomorrow's gonna bring… Trust me, you don't want to wait until it's too late… you'll just regret it in the end."
"What are you trying to say?" She settled her jaw firmly, eyes glaring a hole through me so that I knew in an instant that she had taken the meaning behind my words in the wrong way…
"I'm just saying that maybe you should think about this," I rephrased my initial statement in an effort to save my own ass, "Or maybe at the very least, give Sam some sort of say in the matter."
Her face was up so close to my own that I could feel her breath, hot and heavy against my cheeks… We stood that way – still and silent – for several long seconds, but Brooke never said a thing, not a single word, indicating to me that for all intents and purposes, she deemed this conversation over.
Backing up slightly away from her accusing eyes, my attention was gratefully detracted by something in the distance although nothing in particular, my head spontaneously slanting upwards so that I caught a quick glimpse of the overhead clock, the stupid bright red seconds hand ticking relentlessly forwards indicating that I was very near late…
Time… it was a funny thing, I've been noticing, especially in its determination never to slow; never to spare even the most desperate for just a little bit more.
It was about time that I found myself leaving; as it was, I was already cutting it close, and another strike on my record was the absolute last thing that I needed right now.
"Listen Brooke, I have to get going back to school…" I paused for the briefest of seconds, just to ensure that her attention was fully on me so that I could address my final conclusion point, "And I think that maybe you should come with me… I mean, like that I'll drop you off back at your house so that you can take some time to eat, maybe sleep…"
Her eyes darted in response to my question; back and forth like a crazy person until I finally just got the feeling that she was literally trying to roll them over into her skull in an effort to physically screen her brain in search for the energy that she knew she'd need to fight me on this one.
But she just didn't have it in her, and I think we both knew that.
"You'll be no good to Sam when you're in the hospital yourself, Brooke." I presented with my most powerful argument instantaneously, knowing full well that it was the best defense I had in fighting Brooke.
"I could use some new clothes…"
"No Brooke, don't fight with me on this one… wait… what?" I'd been so certain of an impending argument that I hadn't even managed to hear her compliance.
"I said that I could use some new clothes… Me and Sam's that we have here are all dirty…"
"Oh…" I released stupidly, suddenly out of things to say considering the majority of my brain capacity had been so focused on a fight that never happened…
"Can you just give me a minute or two to get some of my things together?"
"Um… yeah, yeah, of course I can." I agreed to her terms and conditions, allowing her to disappear backwards into Sam's room, leading the way into the small box where she immediately busied herself with shoveling dirty laundry into an empty duffle bag, simultaneously question poor Sam who remained blissfully clueless as Brooke struggled to decide whether or not this much needed time apart would even be worth it in the end…
"Hey Sam, you're positive you're still feeling okay, right?"
"Yes Brooke, I swear," The girl was practically laughing in Brooke's face at her concern, warranted, yes, but maybe just a little overbearing at the same time, "Don't worry I'll be fine for a couple of hours by myself, I'm a big girl, you know."
"Okay… so do you have your cell phone on you? Is it all charged and everything?" Brooke all but ignored Sam's sarcasm, continuing in her insistence upon being thorough, paying particular attention to details that would allow her to comfortably leave Sam's side for a little while, at least…
"Yes Brooke," Sam waved the tiny device through the air, directly in front of Brooke's face just to prove that what she was saying was in fact the truth as Brooke looked at her carefully, hands on her hips, face screwed up in thought trying to think of anything else that she might have left out.
"Do you need me to pick you up anything from home?" Sam shook her head towards Brooke.
"I don't think so," She shrugged, "But bring me back a surprise, okay?"
"Of course I will," She made the promise, advancing a couple of cautious steps forwards towards Sam, "Okay, come here…" She beckoned for Sam, watching as the girl lifted herself up and out of her bed, stepping towards Brooke who pulled her into a firm hug, holding onto her in a lengthy, tight embrace.
"You'll be okay," Sam said, immediately noticing Brooke's obvious reluctance towards letting her go.
"I know," Brooke nodded against Sam's shoulder, "You'll be too."
"Well yeah duh," Sam responded, pulling away from Brooke and staring at her as if this had been the most obvious thing in the world despite Brooke's hesitancy to believe so, "Trust me Brooke, you're venturing off into that deep dark outside world over there, where the hell am I gonna go? You have a much bigger risk at kicking the bucket tonight than I do."
I couldn't help but laugh alongside Brooke. Yeah, so I wasn't exactly sure just how accurate Sam's statement was, but I couldn't pretend as if I couldn't see the point that she was trying to make here.
"Okay," Brooke nodded, placing two firm hands on either of Sam's shoulders, staring her square in the eyes as she spoke, "If you need anything, and I mean anything at all, you call me right away, alright? I don't care if it's three o'clock in the freaking morning during a hurricane, I'll be here."
"Okay, I will." Sam nodded her head in agreement towards Brooke's conditions for her departure.
"And make sure you call me tonight before you go to bed."
"I will."
"And make sure you…"
"Brooke, I've got this, don't worry." Sam cut her off mid-sentence, but although Brooke nodded her head in indication of her understanding towards Sam's insistence, but I could tell – one mother to another – that Sam shouldn't have even bothered wasting her breath.
It was the second nature of any parent to lace themselves with concern under normal circumstances, and to exist in a world where those circumstances had been exacerbated so beyond normal made me struggle to comprehend just how it was that Brooke managed to achieve the simple task of remaining upright.
"Okay," She took a deep breath, almost ready to leave… almost being the key word. "I'll see you first thing in the morning then."
"Right," Sam nodded.
"Okay…" Brooke repeated, slowly performing an impressive about face, turning towards the direction of the door.
"Sorry I couldn't stay any longer, Sam." I apologized quickly, pulling her into a smaller, yet less lengthy embrace than that by which Brooke had performed.
"Eh, it's okay, I know you have to fix that reputation you have over at Tree Hill High for being such a rebel, Ms. Scott."
"Yeah," I laughed at the absolute ludicrous of that statement, knowing as well as Sam that my reputation at THHS was probably the exact opposite of rebellious, "I'm such a bad seed, spending my free time visiting sick kids in the hospital."
"Pure evil," Sam nodded her agreement, a smile upon her face.
"I'll stop by tomorrow… And you know what? I think I might just bring Jamie along with me." Her features brightened in response to my revelation, her spine straightening, her face positively glowing with the mere suggestion.
"That would be cool."
"It's a date then?" I asked, although I was sure that neither of our ideal dating locations would be within a hospital room.
"It's a date." She confirmed.
"I'll see you later than." I allowed her to nod me out, being courteous in taking us all the way to the door of her new-found home of sorts, but I think that that was only because she knew she'd have to physically watch Brooke leave in order to believe that it was actually happening.
"Remember to call me later!" Brooke shouted one last reminder towards Sam, who nodded impatiently in response.
"I know, I know, I will… Now just go, get some sleep or something for God's sake!" She practically pushed the two of us out into the hall, ensuring that we were completely clear of the doorframe before she retreated backwards inside, closing the door being her as if in a reinforcement that she wasn't about to give Brooke much of a choice other than to leave.
"Ready, Brooke?" The woman nodded, turning in an effort to make the initial motion to walk down the hall, the hardest part, I knew, but she'd only managed a few sluggish, miniscule steps before she stopped, her head swiveling backwards behind her naturally in an effort to look back towards the closed door behind her, trying to decide whether or not there was still time for her to turn back and change her mind.
For a second, I just stared at Brooke staring at the door, watching as she slowed to a complete stop; her body still pointed forwards down the length of the hallway, but her head remaining uncomfortably behind her as she struggled to fight through this apparent dilemma…
And in that moment, I saw something behind the eyes of Brooke Davis; something that I don't think I'd ever seen before, something that I was certain wasn't about to go away any time soon…
You see, Brooke Davis, well let's just say that she has come a long way since I'd first met her in high school; high on Percocet's and passed out in the backseat of a car. She has come a long way since those days of high school vanity, those of a thoughtless future.
And as I watched her struggle with the idea of taking a personal day over remaining in a hospital room nursing over a sick child, I knew that Brooke Davis had come a very, very long way since those days where she could only visualize herself from the outside in, and not the other way around.
But in a bizarre, almost poetic turn of events, Brooke never managed to find herself in quite the way she'd expected to…
She'd never gone to college; she'd never joined the right sorority, or married the rich doctor and became a housewife before she reached her mid-twenties. She'd never even done it as the face of America's role models, a rising entrepreneur, or a millionaire fashion icon…
No, Brooke Davis had found herself as a mother; and deep down, I think that we both knew that that was all she ever really wanted in her life; right from the very beginning.
BROOKE
It was almost two o'clock…
It was almost two o' clock in the afternoon and so far, I had done absolutely productive with my day unless of course, you count doing absolutely nothing in fact, productive.
The alarm displayed across my digital watch resting against my bedside table gave a loud, single beep as it had with every other hour that had since past, effectively making me feel worse and worse with each passing one… The thing was, since I had gotten home, since I had showered, changed, and thrown myself straight into my bed, I had heard that stupid beep four whole times…
Four hours… It might as well have been four days.
And on the fourth day, God created the stars, the moon, and the sun; the stars to mark the years, the moon to mark the months, and the sun to mark the passing days…
How ironic, right? You're just full of laughs lately aren't you God, you bastard…
But for approximately two of those four lingering hours, I had spent the time wrapped tightly within my bed trying… no, wait, trying wasn't the right word; it was more like pretending to actually sleep.
The thing was, anytime I even got close to achieving this task, I'd receive this mental image of Sam inside of my head and I couldn't help but wonder whether or not this picture was a sign, whether or not she was still alright…
And then of course, after that, I would find myself right back to where I had started in the first place; tired, and bearing the weight of worry across my feeble shoulders.
My mind had been swirling since my arrival back home, and although Haley had practically dragged me kicking and screaming back through these no-longer-familiar front doors, her efforts had yet to perform their desired effect…
I guess that it must have just had something to do with the fact that I had previously been under the assumption that just because I had all but pressed the emergency stop button on my life, that the rest of the world must have done the same.
But I had been proven wrong the second I had stepped back into my living room when I'd found the large pile of bills and junk mail and outdated newspapers weighing down my countertop alongside the landscaper's note stating that he had come to mow the lawn. The garbage cans had been put to the curb to dispose of the week's worth of trash I hadn't been home to accumulate, the cleaning lady swept and vacuumed all of the dust that I had allowed to grow since the last time anybody had stepped inside of this house…
So, to my amazement, the world had managed to - somehow or another - keep spinning despite this tragedy that they were all seemingly oblivious to.
I rolled onto my back with a heavy sigh, tangling myself within the clean sheets, my head naturally rolling towards the nightstand where my phone sat on its charger, literally staring at me, taunting me into picking it up to call Sam.
I shouldn't, I knew that I shouldn't. I had promised Sam that I wouldn't do it, promised Haley, promised myself the exact same thing, but it was teasing me; the blinking green light indicating its full charge winking at me, laughing right in my face.
"You won't do it."
The delusion of my cell phone physically talking to me was sign enough that I was over exhausted and therefore, in no capacity to make informed decisions.
The imagined voice initiated a brief stare down, and needless to say, eventually, I lost.
So I lunged. I extended my arm forwards like lightning, ripping the phone from its chain of a charger in one swoop…
I had broken, I already knew that. Trust me, it happened a long time ago.
Staring into the phones entrancing LCD screen, I typed ferociously the numbers I'd already had permanently stored within my memory banks, directing the inanimate object to become the lifeline between Sam and I before raising it to my ear, waiting…
"What, did your mom tell you to make sure that you called before you went to bed?" Despite my best display of self-convincing towards the fact that something was desperately wrong, that voice, without a doubt in my mind, belonged to Sam, and a seemingly fine Sam at that…
"I'm just checking in." I contorted my voice as successfully as I could manage, desperate for her not to realize that I had caved although our current predicament made that quite obvious…
"Well I'm fine." She assured me, "No puking, no bleeding, no other crazy things… I even ate my lunch today, the whole thing." She provided me with details, giving me at least a little bit of leeway, which I appreciated.
But of course, somewhere in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but find myself feeling a little bit hurt by the fact that Sam didn't seem to be as distraught regarding this brief separation as I had found myself… I mean, this was after all the first night since not just Sam's, but my life as well had changed so dramatically.
"Good!" I'd made my expression with, perhaps, a little bit too much enthusiasm to sound entirely convincing, "So what you up to."
"Nothing," I could hear the boredom in her voice, her unexpressed question regarding just how long I could continue coming up with random questions before I'd be forced to hang up, "A yoga instructor, meditation person stopped by about an hour ago… she just left."
"Really?" I asked, actually semi-interested in this unexpected development.
"Yeah, it was pretty cool actually, she gave me a bunch of visualizations and stuff to do to help take my mind of the chemo and stuff… They come around every Friday apparently so I think I might try it again… Plus, I got this really cool, really, really ghetto CD player out of the deal."
"They still make those?" I asked for the sake of being a smartass.
"Yeah, she gave it to me with some weird meditation music but it kind of sucks… I'll have to go out on the prowl for some CD's a little bit later I guess."
"Good luck with that one." I responded sarcastically, indicating in my voice the fact that the likelihood of Sam locating anything even close to a CD in that hospital was slim to none.
"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing… It's starting to look like I might have to just bust out of here and go hold up a Best Buy or something." I knew that she was joking, or at least… I think that she was joking, you really never could tell when it came to Sam.
"Don't even think about it, Sam." Either way, I figured a little bit of reinforcement in the matter wouldn't hurt…
"I know I know…" She sighed, as if astonished that I hadn't picked up on the joke despite her history of rebellion, "I was kidding Brooke."
"Yeah, not funny," But really, I had literally just gotten a mental image of Sam hitchhiking with her pajamas and IV pole over to the mall, and although it may sound humorous in its description, the fact of it not being as far from a reality as you may think put a slight damper on it…
If I had learned anything, it was that I should never underestimate Sam, not ever.
"So, what are you doing on your day off?" Sam asked although I would hardly refer to this brief bout of freedom as a day off, especially considering the fact that I was probably spending more time worrying here at home than I had been while I was still at the hospital with her.
"I'm sleeping," Yup, that was exactly what I was doing, actively speaking right as we spoke… Smooth Brooke, real smooth.
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line, and in that second, I knew instantaneously that I had been caught.
"You're sleeping?" She asked, finally wrapping her head around what I had just said to her, realizing that it had in fact, actually made absolutely no sense at all.
"Well, I was trying to sleep," I tried to rectify my initial statement, "But then I…"
"But then you called me." She finished my sentence for me, using the tone that I always used with her when I'd caught her doing something that she knew she wasn't supposed to be doing.
"No, I was checking up on you." I spluttered out excuses, perhaps worthlessly so; I had been caught, there was no denying that.
"Well I'm fine… still." She emphasized the final word.
"That's good…"
"I am tired though, I think I'm gonna go take a nap, okay?" I screwed up my face instantaneously, struggling to decide whether or not this was a clever rue to get me off of the phone or if she really was just exhausted from her day's events… Probably a little bit of both.
"Okay, make sure you call me when you wake up though, alright?" I reinforced, ensuring the already well known fact that I was to get a phone call no matter what.
"I know, I know Brooke," She said it but still, I couldn't be entirely sure that a phone call would actually come.
"Okay, have a good nap. I love you."
"Yeah, yeah, love you too. See you later." She returned, genuine but hasty as she hung up the phone before I could be given the opportunity to stop her.
And now, at the tail end of a one-way phone line, I couldn't help but find myself back inside of the exact same position that I had left myself off in previously; struggling with the uncanny desire to hit the redial button already.
Looking apprehensively towards the digital clock to my right, I sighed audibly at the 2:06 displayed vibrantly, dancing tauntingly across my vision…
The entirety of that phone call, designed initially to distract me from the night, had lasted a grand total of six minutes… And with that realization, I found myself groaning so loudly that I could literally hear my own voice echoing across the lengths of the otherwise empty house and slamming my pillow firmly across my head in a desperate final attempt to block out the sunlight and force myself to sleep.
Like they always say, eight hundredth time is the charm, right?
I felt as if I were trapped eternally in one of those long, endless nights where no matter how hard you try, and how many Ambien you slip, you just can never seem to fall asleep… I guess I just couldn't get comfortable anymore unless I found myself attempting to sleep fitfully with a rigid back in a lumpy cot within the confines of a hospital room…
I have never felt less at home in my own house before… yet another burden of proof towards the fact that this just wasn't my home anymore, it was merely a safe house, somewhere to escape to…
I could literally feel the passing minutes ticking past me.
An hour passed and I went from being previously wide awake to slipping through that restless in between stage, a limbo of sorts, whose only relief stemmed from the fact that at least the clock seemed to be moving faster here.
An hour and a half passed and I fell into a fitful non-REM nap, just to get myself started.
I don't even know how long afterwards it was that I finally found myself fast asleep, passed out cold, practically comatose and sprawled over my bed, soaring like an eagle through my dream state, grateful that at least here, for the first time all week, things suddenly didn't seem to hurt just as bad as they had hurt before.
I couldn't tell you exactly how long that I was out for, but at the very least, I could tell you this much, that when I woke up it definitely wasn't as light outside as I had left it. In fact, it wasn't light outside at all.
The absence of the sun, which occurred to me in the blink of a sleep obscured eye, sent me into a panic, forced me awake, scurrying in my worry towards just how late it really was so quickly that it literally made my head spin.
In an attempt to regain my bearings, I turned to my clock, my lifeline, searching desperately in my haze of sleep-filled confusion before finally locating it in exactly the spot which I had left it in…
"Shit!" I'd expressed my alarm to an empty house, my legs practically lifting themselves up and out of my bed the second that luminous 11:45 p.m. signal stamped itself deep into my brain.
I struggled to stand upright, tangled desperately within the sheets so that it took me several minutes to situate my body enough to permit any sort of movement.
My arm extended towards the night stand, reaching so fervently towards the cell phone resting there that I could literally feel all of the bones, joints, and muscles within it stretching to their absolute threshold for results, finally latching onto the tiny device, grabbing at it so viciously, I literally ripped the entirety of the charger directly out of the wall outlet in my endeavors.
6 missed calls.
The first thought that had crossed my mind was that something had happened, that something horribly wrong had befallen Sam and that I wasn't there to help her through it. Worse yet, I'd missed all of the phone calls, all of the desperate pleas for help she had placed in search of my assistance.
My chest was impossibly tight. My heart sped up at a rate so quick that it was physically painful. My fingers were shaking so hard that I couldn't even control them long enough to check the actual source of the phone calls…
Praying for the best but expecting the worst, I slowly regained control of my extremities, punching at the touch screen, my sensitive eyes narrowing in on the screen in front of me…
First missed call; restricted number, second, restricted number, third, Victoria, fourth, some weird 800 number, fifth Victoria, and finally one final call from Peyton.
The adrenaline rush wore down slowly as my body began to register the fact that it was in no immediate danger that, although Sam hadn't called me before she'd gone to bed tonight as she had promised to, she was in fact, okay.
So running a shaking hand through my bed-riddled hair, and without even considering the options this time around, I dialed a familiar number for the second time that night alone, and I waited…
"Hey it's Sam," Her familiar answering machine message greeted me, "I'm not around so leave a message or whatever." I sighed in my disappointment; I couldn't tell if she'd chosen to ignore my phone call because she actually was asleep, or because she hadn't wanted to talk to me at the moment, but whichever it was, I couldn't control that voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe, she wasn't answering her cell phone because she was so sick that she didn't so much as have the capacity to do so…
In fact, I was still debating that question, even after I'd drawn the conclusion not to leave a message and instead, simply hung up the phone…
But this didn't change the fact that I needed somebody to talk to me right now… I needed somebody who could listen to me, I needed somebody who could assure me that I wasn't in fact going as crazy as I thought I was, that I didn't indeed have absolutely anything to worry about even though I knew that I had the world and beyond to worry about…
And just as suddenly as this desire popped into my head, so did a backup plan, a second choice, the one other person that I could stand to talk to right now other than Sam.
We had been lacking recently in the general opportunity to truly talk other than brief, daily updates and I guess that that was a hazard of the trade really but that didn't mean that it didn't suck, that didn't make me miss Julian any less… in fact, if anything, I think that it just made me miss him even more…
But as with Sam's, my phone call to Julian ended abruptly in the form of four rings and an answering machine, and even as I sat at the edge of my bed, my cell phone in one hand, clocking the seconds of a silent conversation, my head hanging so low that my chin physically touched my chest, I was still only vaguely aware of the concern that might spark from a five minute, silent voicemail received to Julian, from me.
Hanging up the phone quickly I suddenly felt something, something different, something uncomfortable… I suddenly felt very, very full… as if the pressure in my head, no, the pressure in my entire body was pressing up against its every internal crevice, just waiting to explode.
And so I ran.
I ran straight out of my bedroom, I ran into the hallway, and, allowing my feet to make the directional decisions that my brain couldn't currently process, I found myself running directly into the bathroom.
I closed the door behind me, locking it tightly although I knew that I was the only person in the house, throwing my back firmly up against the thick wooden panel the second I'd known it to be secure…
I used to know this girl, you see… She was rich, and she was beautiful, elegant and popular, and this girl had pride, she had admirers, she had the life that people would literally kill for…
That was all on the outside, at least…
But one day, not so long ago now, that girl died… It was sudden; a rapid cardiac arrest, the cause of death; a fit of pure vanity that had left nothing but a shell behind in its wake.
And tonight, that girl was finally learning a lesson, a very meaningful, very valuable lesson that she knew she'd take with her everywhere that she went for the rest of her life… She learned that it was the truth, that all of those times she heard it and hadn't believed it, she had been wrong because it was true, what they all said, after all.
Suddenly she knew just how right they were when they'd told her that every single person on the face of this Earth was alone, and that every single person on the face of this Earth would be alone until they were dead and buried, and maybe even beyond that…
But she'd also learned something else that day, something equally as important but with an infinitely increased bout of confidence… She learned that sometimes, growing may require a little bit, or even a lot of bit of pain first…
And I guess that was why, as my knees bent into right angles and my ass sunk so low to the ground the it hit the tile below, I finally allowed the tears to begin pouring from my eyes, I allowed myself to break down in the solitude of loneliness, within the confines of my big empty bathroom in my big, empty house, and I allowed myself to do this until finally, my body was so tired, that I couldn't find it within myself to even do that anymore.
