Story: Secrets
Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!
Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.
Chapter 11: Choices
POV: Tobias
He doesn't get it…he thinks it's okay for him to just show up here. He thinks that just because he felt bad and came to check on her suddenly everything's supposed to be okay…he's just magically forgiven for what he did.
She won't talk to me, she's won't even look at me and acknowledge that I'm here. Sometimes I really think she doesn't know I'm watching her, but that just seems ridiculous. She's Rachel, she's one of the most perceptive people I know, how could she not know I was here…how could she notice a red-tailed hawk sitting outside of her window every night…to me it just sounds insane…it doesn't sound like my Rachel.
I'm not sure if I can really call her that anymore, my Rachel. I feel like that was a privilege, actually I know it was, and I gave that privilege up the day I let her walk out of that barn…alone. She had every right to be pissed off and angry with me…I was supposed to be there for her and I wasn't. I was supposed to support her and stand up for her, not take their side.
I watch her through the window, her body is still shaking the way it has every night for the past few weeks. I wonder whether she's actually gotten any sleep tonight, or whether it's been on of those times when she just stays awake staring into space…one of those nights that results in her crawling out of bed in the morning with heavy bags under her eyes.
I miss her eyes…they've lost that glow they used to have. They never sparkle anymore…it's like her flame has burned out…permanently. I want so badly to help her, to do something and make her open up to me, make her acknowledge me, but once again I don't know if her behavior is intentional or not…like I said though, this is Rachel, so that's just crazy.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do…am I supposed to be persistent, keep coming back here night after night, keep watching her until she chooses to see me…or am I supposed to just leave her alone? Have I lost all rights to love her, to tell her that I love her. I mean, why should she believe anything I have to say, I abandoned her when she apparently needed me the most, so how can I blame her for shutting me out, how can expect her to just let me back in because I suddenly decided I wanted to be there for her, because I suddenly chose to take her side in all this.
-What are you still doing here?- I questioned as soon as I saw one of the branches in a nearby tree shake.
-I did leave, I just came back…- at this very moment I wish I was human, I wish I had those horrible human ears , because then, just maybe I wouldn't be able to pick up on the pain in his voice. But I do have my precise hearing, so I did catch the unmistakable distress in his tone, the shame and hesitation in his thought speak. I don't want to hear how much pain he's in…it makes it harder to hate him…it makes it downright impossible to think of him as this heartless bastard that abandoned his cousin.
-Why?- I don't know why I just asked that…I really don't care why he came back, actually I already know why he came back, but I don't want to hear him say it, I just want him to spread his wings and fly off again.
-Because she's my little cousin, and I know that I screwed up Tobias, I get that, but I'm here now. I know that this doesn't actually make up for the way I treated her over the past few weeks, but I am trying to be there for her now, because she needs me, and I need her to be okay. I get that you're here because you're in love with her…but she's my family Tobias, we have some of the same blood coursing through our veins, so I love her too, I don't know how not to. She's my family…I'm supposed to be there….I'm supposed to protect her and I failed at doing that…I couldn't protect her from whatever caused this…so now, if she won't let me inside, then I'm gunna do the same thing that you've been doing every night, I'm gunna sit out here and watch her and make sure that she's as okay as she can be, make sure that she's getting by the best she can and I'm gunna sit here and wait, and hope that maybe one day she'll trust me enough to let me back in-
-Jake-
-You can get pissed off, and you can hate me…you have every right to…you can scream and yell and than fly off angry, or you can sit there and ignore me, but either way I'm not leaving.-
-You have to get up in the morning…you have school- it was a stupid come back, I know that, but I'm desperate for him to leave. I want to hate him, I need to hate him, and he's making it very hard to do.
-If she can survive without any sleep, then so can I. Like I said Tobias…I'm not going anywhere.- the voice he's using can only be described as his leader voice…the voice that makes everything sound like a command…the voice that tells me I don't really get a say in all this…he's going to stay, no matter what I do…nothing short of killing him will get him to leave.
-How is she?- It's killing me to have to ask him that, but he got into the house, he's seen her from up-close. He's spoken to her, and even if it was only to kick him out, she responded to him. He's my in, he's my way of knowing how she is…he's the closest I can get to her.
-I don't know. I mean, I know she's not okay, I know that something's wrong, but if someone in her family died, then she's basically doing as well as can be expected…if this is over you not coming after her that day…then she's doing really bad…if by some chance this is really over her getting kicked out of the Animorphs…if that's what this is, then she was in this thing way too deep and she was worse than any of us realized. Tobias, if this is over the Animorphs, then Rachel needs help, the kind of help that we can't give her. But I don't know what this is about…so I don't know how she is…I just know that she's not okay.-
-What happened in her room before I got here…why'd she kick you out?-
-I went to talk to her and when I got upstairs she was throwing up. I just sat with her until she was done and then I carried her to bed. I don't know why she kicked me out, but I know that she's too thin…that she looked terrified…that she won't let me close enough to help her.-
Good. I know that's a horrible thing to think, but it's what pooped into my head and I don't really care how horrible that is. I don't think it's fair…I know it's not fair. Why does he get to play knight in shining armor whenever he feels like it, despite how badly he screwed up. He did this, this is his mistake, his screw up, even he said so…so if he broke her, what gives him the right to try and put her back together just because he grew a conscience. I look at her, in there curled up on the bed…alone…and I know without a doubt that he did this.
I hate to admit that it's not technically something he did, but it's the truth. Jake didn't do this to her, he isn't the one who made her attack the man that day. All he did was tell me not to go after her, and I can hate him for that all I want, but in the end I had a choice in the matter, and I chose to listen to Jake. I may have chosen wrong, but I chose.
