11
The hospital
"I'm sorry Mr Stabler. She is adamant that she doesn't want to see you."
Elliot stared at the nurse in dismay. Did she really blame him for her being here? He had only wanted what was best for her: nothing more, nothing less.
"Maybe you should just leave it today. Try coming back tomorrow?"
"I promised her I wouldn't leave her again," he said firmly. "She's testing me," he added thoughtfully. "She wants to know if I really meant what I said."
"All I know is that she told me she doesn't want to see you. I'm sorry."
"Please, I'm begging you. Just let me talk to her for five minutes. If she still wants me to go after that, then I will, I promise."
"Please, Sir. Just go home. There's nothing you can do if she doesn't want to talk to you. Surely she has a right to make that decision?"
"No. You tell her that I am staying here right outside her room. I'm not leaving until she herself tells me to go. Just tell her that."
Faltering for a few seconds, the nurse finally sighed and headed inside her patient's room. Elliot waited nervously. Finally a few minutes later she reappeared.
"Five minutes," she said.
"Thank you," he said, a smile breaking out over his face. "Thank you thank you, so much!" The nurse didn't say anything, just shook her head as though the whole situation was a terrible nuisance.
He knocked nervously before entering. She was lying on the bed curled up in a fetal position. She didn't move as he entered the room. He cautiously approached, sinking to his knees beside her. He was aware the nurse had taken up a position near the door, watching them suspiciously, no doubt waiting for the slightest sign his presence was upsetting Olivia to use as an excuse to throw him out.
"Liv," he said gently, trying to ignore the fact there was someone else in the room watching them. She stared back at him silently. It was difficult to determine what was going through her head. She didn't look particularly angry. Just vacant, that same look of despair that he had seen earlier, the one that terrified him.
"I'm sorry," he said. He had a billion other things he had planned to say on walking in, but they were the only words that seemed to fall from his lips. He wasn't entirely sure what he was apologizing for. He certainly wasn't sorry she was getting the help she so desperately needed. He was sorry for everything that had happened to her though and more than anything he was sorry he hadn't been there for her, before things had got this bad.
"El," she whispered. He could barely hear her, so he leaned in, almost so that their faces were touching, but not quite.
"What is it?" he asked her gently, his heart aching as he wondered if it would be anything he could do for her. They were speaking so quietly, he thought it unlikely their conversation would be overheard.
"What's wrong with me?"
"There's nothing wrong with you!" he affirmed her. "You've just been through so much. None of this is your fault."
"I… I tried to end my life!"
"I know." No longer able to refrain, he leaned in further, resting his forehead against her cheek.
"I can't get it out of my head. I just…. I just wanted it to all stop." He could feel the dampness of her tears on her cheek against his skin.
"I'm so so sorry. I hate this for you. It's going to get better though, I promise. The medication will help. You need to talk to the therapist though, Liv."
"Take me home, El, please."
"You know I can't," he said. "Not until the seventy-two hours is up. I have no choice, but I promise as soon as I can, I will take you home. I'm not leaving you again, not until you're in a better place, okay?"
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?"
"Your wife, your daughter, your family… it's all my fault."
"No. It's that bastard Lewis' fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You know that."
"I should have been stronger."
"What do you mean? How can anyone 'be stronger'? He tortured you for God's sake. He raped and tortured you."
"Don't say that…please."
"It's the truth."
"No one knows that. Only you."
"How were you supposed to get the support you needed when no one knew the extent of what happened? Your colleagues, your friends. No one knew, did they? You've been keeping this inside for all these months. No wonder it came to a head like this. It was wrong. They never should have made you keep what happened at my place a secret. In fact, I can't understand Captain Cragen. What's happened to him?"
"It's not his fault."
"Don't stick up for him, Olivia. He was your boss. He was the one person who should have protected you and I don't mean just from the attack itself, I mean from the aftermath. Hiding the truth was only ever going to hurt you."
"You didn't say anything either."
"I should have. I was too wrapped up in my own grief. I'm sorry Liv. I truly am. I should have been there for you."
"It's okay. I understand. Your wife died. I never expected anything from you. You needed time. I needed time."
He nodded. It was true. He was barely managing to get himself out of bed in the mornings those first weeks after his wife's death.
"I'm sorry, Liv. What I said – it was unforgivable."
He felt her whole body rise and fall as she took a deep breath before speaking.
"You were hurting."
"I didn't mean it. You do know that, right?"
"Mmm," she said.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
"El…"
"What is it?" His voice was barely a whisper now.
"I'm scared."
"Tell me. What are you afraid of?"
"I'm scared this is how I'll always be now, how I'll always feel. I'm scared I won't get over this."
"You can!"
"All these years, I've been telling victims that, but what if it isn't true? What if what Vivian Arliss said is true? What if some people just can't be helped?"
"You're not one of those people Liv. I know that, even if at the moment you don't believe it."
"How am I supposed to face everyone?" she asked. "Knowing what happened to me? Knowing I lied all this time."
"They'll understand."
"They'll pity me."
"No they won't. They will empathize."
"I don't think I can…"
"You don't have to do anything. All you have to do is get better, on your own terms. Other people can wait. You can deal with them when and if you're ready. All that matters right now is you."
"Why are you here, El?"
"What kind of a question is that?"
"How can you stand to even look at me?"
"Liv, please, don't ever think like that. I don't blame you, not for anything."
"How are you not disgusted?"
"You could never disgust me. It wasn't your fault. He was a monster. It was all him. None of it reflects on you."
"But you saw everything…"
"I couldn't help you…"
She heard his voice falter.
"But you did."
"How? I was useless. I should have known when you came to the door. I mean, the way you looked, the bruises… all I saw was your face, the fact it was you, that you had finally come."
She remained silent as she contemplated his words.
"I should have realized something was wrong," he continued. "I should have stopped it then."
"You couldn't have known."
"I should have noticed."
"Elliot, this is pointless. It happened. Neither of us could do anything about it."
"You're right, but that means you have to stop blaming yourself."
"Then so do you."
Four months earlier
She winced as she stepped out into the sunlight, her partner's arms around her, steadying her as she took in the sheer number of people who had gathered around the small house. It was surreal. She took in the familiar faces around her. They were all staring at her in exaggerated concern, no doubt scrutinizing her for any sign that she might be about to fall apart. Their world seemed a lifetime away. It didn't feel real. Her world had collapsed and it was a shock to step outside and realize that while she had been suffering her worst nightmare, for everyone else life had gone on as usual. She winced as she stepped a little too hard to the right, jolting her broken rib and sending a fresh wave of pain through her. She felt Amaro's arm around her shoulders tighten slightly as he sensed her discomfort.
"You okay?" he asked. She just stared back into his brown eyes, completely dazed, feeling helpless. It was a crazy question.
"It's over now," he told her. She watched as Fin approached. The shame was visceral. How could she face her colleagues knowing all the sordid details of what that animal had done to her? Her memory of the whole ordeal was patchy right now. She could barely recall details, but she knew it had been horrifying and humiliating. That overall sense enveloped her. Her whole body ached too. It was easier to focus on the pain in her rib and on the burns and cuts of her upper body, rather than the uncomfortable sensation between her legs. The stickiness had long since dried, so she assumed the bleeding had stopped. She longed for a bathroom so she could examine herself and find out exactly what she was dealing with in private.
She followed Amaro's lead as he walked her away from the house.
…
He hadn't left her side, even through the initial examination. Luckily they had only looked at the more obvious wounds so far – her head, her face, her arms, her upper chest, and her ribs. The more intimate examination would take place soon. They were just waiting for the on-call gynecologist to finish with another patient. It appeared that sadly she wasn't the only rape victim of the evening. The truth was, however, she hadn't yet told them she had been violated to that extent. The concern in her younger partner's eyes had made her pause, not wanting to confirm what she guessed he suspected. She knew he would blame himself. He was probably torturing himself, questioning why he hadn't seen her home, why he hadn't checked in on her earlier, why he hadn't seen this coming. It unnerved her as she recognized that she too was asking the exact same questions.
After the X-rays had been completed, Captain Cragen stepped in, sending Amaro out for a break to grab a coffee or something.
"How are you feeling?" he asked her sadly once Amaro had left the room.
"I don't know," she replied. No words seemed capable of expressing it.
"Listen Liv," he said stepping closer and lowering his voice. "I wanted to talk to you on our own. There are certain details that we need to keep to ourselves, for the moment at least. The press are outside, desperate for a juicy story, just waiting for any hint of impropriety on behalf of the NYPD. They'll be scrutinizing you, the unit, the whole force. It's important we don't give them any ammunition."
She nodded. The last thing she wanted was the details of her ordeal splashed over the pages of some tabloid. Cragen had nothing to worry about there. Talking to the press was the last thing on her mind.
"There are some details we need to keep to ourselves. I'm talking about events that happened during the first couple of days."
"Elliot?" she said, as the memory of the gunshot penetrating his body permeated her. How could she have forgotten?
"He's fine. He was in a bad way when they got to him and was rushed straight into surgery. He didn't regain consciousness until last night."
"How long was I… I held?"
"Four days."
"Four days?" she repeated numbly. She had lost all sense of time.
"Look, Amaro will be back soon. We can talk more later, once you are released, but for now, don't say anything about what happened in Queens. Just stick to the basics; your apartment and the beach house."
"Yes, Captain," she nodded. Events were such a blur anyway. She had already made the decision that the full extent of her assault would be something that remained between her and her doctors. She just didn't feel up to facing everyone knowing. Some of the things Lewis had made her do were too depraved, too sickening. How was she supposed to go back to work with these people if they had images of such things being done to her in their heads. She told herself that it wasn't that she was going to deny to herself what had happened and pretend nothing had occurred, it was just she was going to carefully pick and choose who knew. That was at least one choice she could make. She wasn't even sure how much she would tell Cragen. She had no idea what Elliot had said to him. She knew she needed to see him, to find out exactly what he had said.
"How's Kathy?" she asked, remembering that his wife had been there and that she too had taken a slug to the chest.
She knew the answer before he even said the devastating words. It was written all over his face.
"Nooooo," she murmured, devastated. "I need to see him."
"He's in NYHQ. After you are given the all clear, I can take you over there – if you are up for it. It might be better to wait until tomorrow."
"This is all my fault."
"You know that isn't true."
"How much do you know Captain? What did Elliot say happened?"
"Nothing much; that Lewis broke in, with you in tow and shot him and his wife."
"That's all?" she asked surprised. She could only guess that Elliot had wanted to preserve her privacy and had decided to leave it up to her to reveal the details. For that she was grateful. The thought of Elliot giving her Captain a blow by blow account had been making her feel anxious.
"What happened, Liv? Did he rape you?" She knew the inevitable question had been coming, but it still made her pause.
"He forced so much alcohol down my throat Captain… everything is so fuzzy." She turned her head as she spoke, so that she no longer had to meet his piercing gaze.
"Will you consent to the rape kit?" he asked. Slowly she nodded. She knew it would be hypocritical to refuse, which was what her instincts were in fact crying out to her to do right now. No, she would have to undergo the exam. Besides, she feared she probably needed medical treatment for the injuries she had likely sustained down there. However, she also knew that it was her right to keep the details of that exam private. Her colleagues didn't need to know she had been raped, certainly not for now anyway.
"Good," he said with a smile. She glanced at him quickly, knowing that consenting to the rape kit had for now eased his mind that she was telling the truth and had not in fact been raped. As far as she was concerned, she was happy to let him think that for as long as possible. She would cross the bridge of her not intending to release the results of the kit later.
