11. To have each other's back

After having talked about the events that lead to Sara's death, the next days went by without mentioning anything even remotely connected to the topic anymore. But something about the way Eli behaved had changed profusely. She went to enormous lengths to keep her short fuse under control, locked herself into her bedroom and cranked the volume up, Sofia didn't know what she was doing in there, but when she came out, it was usually freshly showered and with a more unwound expression on her face. She followed the six beers rule. She still did start the day off with one and not with a coffee since there was no more Whiskey, she still got the jitters in the afternoon, still froze and was restless, her withdrawal symptoms were not as distinctive as both women had expected.

So Eli and Sofia tried to establish a certain routine about their living together. There was no getting up later than nine. They'd have breakfast together and on the fourth day Eli managed to not start the day with a beer, but with a coffee and untoasted bread with jelly. They would watch a movie or just simply spent time together, Eli mostly read while Sofia browsed the internet, caught up on some articles and secretly looked at ads for apartments, she still had to find a place to live. They'd have a small lunch in the early afternoon and Sofia didn't mind eating whatever Eli could manage to keep down, just like she'd suggested. She'd also insisted they'd leave the house at least once a day. For a light dinner. For the gym. For a walk in the park, anything but spending the whole day indoors. Eli noticed that with the whole change that came with Sofia's presence, a lot of the things she'd thought insurmountable she made quite easily. The new steadiness was soothing and brought a feeling of belonging back. Of not being alone. Of fighting for more than just her own sanity.

Eli and Sofia tried to establish a certain routine about their living together. There was no getting up later than nine. They'd have breakfast together and on the third day Eli managed to not start the day with a beer, but with a coffee and untoasted bread with jelly. They would watch a movie or just simply spent time together, Eli mostly read while Sofia browsed the internet, caught up on some articles and secretly looked at ads for apartments, she still had to find a place to live. They'd have a small lunch in the early afternoon and Sofia didn't mind eating whatever Eli could manage to keep down. She'd also insisted they'd leave the house at least once a day. For a light dinner. For the gym. For a walk in the park, anything but spending the whole day indoors.

Going to the gym together had proved to be more fun than either of them had anticipated. Eli hated the treadmill whereas Sofia insisted to run at least twenty minutes as a warm-up. Eli spent the first ten on the stepper, mumbling something about her ass, age and weight-loss but got bored of any cardio-work-out ridiculously easy and spent the next ten minutes hovering beside Sofia, who trotted at a medium pace on the black rubber band.

"So, what's next? Machines or boxing? Muscles or agility? Want to spar, Fia?" Eli fidgeted with the arm hem of her oversized tank, the flexed her biceps and huffed. "Ugh. You're right. Nothing much left of me. I think I'm gonna get me some of that protein-stuff. I've never been so skinny in all my life. I f I keep working out ad gain some twenty pounds or so, I could be in the shape of my life within a couple of months, before I even turn 37."

Sofia panted lightly and grinned.

"You're so vain. Whatever you do, you won't look a day older than 35 when you are going to turn 40. You must have some really unfair kind of genetic advantage. Well, apart from the grey hair, that is. But it does look good on you." She slowed the treadmill gradually until she was walking slowly for another two minutes.

Eli immediately went to the mirror by the bench press and studied her temples thoroughly in the bright neon light of the modern gym, running her fingers through the short hair, then stuck her tongue out at herself before turning back to Sofia.

"Seriously, I am turning into my father. I could swear I've only had half that many a week or so ago."

Taking a swig out of her water bottle, Sofia grinned. "Don't you dare put the blame on me." Eli arched an eyebrow but kept her mouth wisely shut when Sofia sighed and went on. "I've inherited all the less charming trades from my mother. Those sharp edges that have formed around my mouth, the crows-feet I fight with more cosmetics than you could imagine and-" for a second she palmed her own breasts and scrunched up her face. "Those start to increasingly react to gravity."

Eli's gaze automatically followed Sofia's movement and lingered long enough on the tight sports top to make Sofia scoff.

"What?" Eli quipped. "You made me look. Did you expect me not to look when you do and say something like that? It's practically an invitation." Eli's exasperation was faked, but the grin that spread over her face was real. So genuine in fact, that the snide remark got stuck in Sofia's throat as a wave of warmth washed over her at the sight and she, too, smiled foolishly wide. Eli furrowed her brows at the sudden change in Sofia's expression.

"What now, Curtis? What did I do now?"

"Nothing. You were just being so very - you. With the boob-staring and the comments and that grin. I could kiss you right now for that grin alone."

"Whoa!" Eli took a quick step back and threw her hands up. "There's a big step from me sneaking a peek to having you snog me. Ew, Curtis!" Eli still grinned though, and Sofia slowly inched in on Eli, waiting for the outbreak of good mood to vanish or Eli's usual walls and unpredictable unwillingness to be touched to be firmly reinstated within seconds, but the tall woman just eyed her suspiciously and buried her hands in the pockets of her sweat pants.

"You're not really going to-" But the answer was already delivered quickly in the form of a gentle peck to Eli's cheek.

"See? That was all I had in mind."

Eli pursed her lips and the grin melted into a serene smile.

"Today's a good day, Fia. I don't know why, but it is. It's just a good day and I'm going with it. So, sparring?"

"I thought you were kidding? Hand, honey, your hand!"

Eli huffed and stared at the white stripes of medical tape around her knuckles, stabilising them and all the chafed skin.

"I almost already forgot. Okay, weights it is, then."


Later, after a healthy falafel Eli almost managed to enjoy, the simply drove around the city kind of the way Eli had done alone in the months prior. There were moments they laughed, moments when Eli drove but gestured around wildly, accentuating the point in one of her stories. Sofia had hated that the few times Eli had driven them through Vegas, and she still hated it.

"Wheel, hands, wheel! Eli, for Christ's sake, can you please at least pretend you're able to drive this embarrassingly braggy chunk of metal you own as an extension to your non-existent dick and make me feel a little safe here?"

One hand leisurely in the correct place again, Eli burst out laughing.

"Oh my freakin' goodness, Sofia Curtis, I didn't buy this car to show off what a tough BAMF I am, I love this model, I did since I was a kid and my Dad took me to a Classic Cars Show. And I certainly can equip myself with a quite impressive version of a dick that would put many a man to shame and that has made plenty women gasp and scream out in the past." Sofia raised her eyebrows in disgust and her nostrils flared. "Uuurrghh, thanks for the visual, Eli." But Eli just motioned her to shut up. "Why, Det. Curtis, I didn't peg you for the shy type and I think I may even have proof of the fact that you're not."

Sofia uncharacteristically flushed at least three shades of pink.

"Shut up, Eli. I was thinking about you and some random chick you picked up at the club and I that is just..." She paused and shuddered. "Ewww!"

Eli pressed some air out between her teeth. "I don't wanna talk about that. Ever. You've made your point before and I already told you. Not gonna happen again."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

Grasping for her hand, Eli stopped Sofia mid-sentence. "Hey, I wasn't attacking you. I'm just saying I'd rather not talk about anything related to hard drugs, excessive consumption of alcohol and fuck-sessions with random pretty girls, okay? I won't do that anymore. You're changing things for me, Sofia. Your presence alone has already changed things. You may not have noticed as engrossed as you can be in your computer, but I did a great deal of thinking over the past days. What you told me has filled one of the many holes I felt inside. I still feel the hopelessness, I'm still depressed, I think, but I also started thinking about what she would have wanted me to do. That I should really try to start giving life a chance again. She wanted me to. I know that, I knew that, but my grief had me in a death-grip. And it's hard to wrench myself out of it. You help- you don't need to do a thing and yet simply having you around helps. It's something so normal, so trivial and still it gives me my footing back. I think you're grounding me, Fia. I'm glad you're here."

Sofia squeezed the hand on hers back and let out a long and almost pained breath.

"Well, we seem to have made it a habit to have each other's backs in the hardest of times, huh? From the very beginning."

"We have, haven't we?"


"Eli."

"Hmmm..."

Rocking them gently with one leg dangling over the hammock's edge, foot lightly tickled by dark green, ankle high grass and pushing into the ground every few couple of swings, Eli kept her eyes closed and her arm wrapped a little tighter around Sara, whom she'd thought was dozing with her head buried in the nape of her neck, her steady breathing teasing the sensitive skin and little hairs there.

"I was just thinking-"

Whenever Sara was just thinking, there was some serious effort behind it. Sara didn't just think about something random. Eli turned her head and softly kissed her love's forehead.

The sprinkler was making his tsk-tsk-tsk-rounds in the back of the garden, watering the vegetable beds and blueberry bushes where the shadows had already come around while the rest of the garden was still bathed in bright afternoon sunlight, butterflies and bumblebees still busy fluttering and buzzing from blossom to blossom. These late July days had presented themselves from their sunniest side, temperature in the 90s, the timing of their to date longest holiday couldn't have been better.

"Just thinking, huh? What's going on in that big brain of yours? Should I prepare to run?"

Lazily, Sara slapped the patch of naked newly tanned stomach revealed to her, Eli's shirt had ridden up and bunched around her waistline.

"Ouch! Wrong place, Waves. If you wanna talk about that, I'm more than willing to just go inside and offer you another part of my body that's more than willing to feel that hand. And then you can tell me all about your newest ideas on how to creatively mbblsta mmm mmaaaassm."

Sara's hand had clamped down over Eli's mouth while she laughed and then nibbled on Eli's earlobe. Eli gave a stronger push and they were swinging high from side to side, staring into each other's eyes, smirking.

"You're incorrigible. Mh, and I love you." Sara caught Eli's bottom lip and gently bit it before deepening the kiss, slipping Eli just enough tongue to get her to sigh before she drew back. "But no, not today. I agreed to eat fish today, so you will have to take me to that new restaurant that had you so excited." She took a deep, steady breath. " It's about something else and I'm not really sure how to... I don't really know how to say it."

Eli pushed her foot into the ground to stop the hummock's rather wild movement and swung her leg over both of Sara's, facing her completely.

"You should know that you can talk to me about anything, ask me anything, no matter if it's just an idea running through your head, something really important, something that scares you, something that you're not content with, something you're wondering or curious about. Anything."

Sara rolled her eyes, brushing some errand hairs out of her face.

"I know, sweetness. Really, I do. But still sometimes it feels weird inquiring you about things that shouldn't really matter, that I'm sure don't hold any significance, just to satisfy my curiosity."

Eli snickered and ran her hand down Sara's side, feeling the warm, soft naked skin, her eyes following the path of her fingers over a dark blue bikini top down to the waistline of equally blue, accompanied by beige surf shorts. Trust Sara to find the perfect combination of beautiful, flawless femininity and active and playful tomboyish energy. This time, waist up, waist down.

"Just ask."

Sara's eyes fluttered close as Eli pushed the short's waistband a little lower and let the very tip of her fingers caress the soft skin just below the hipbone, which never failed to make her girlfriend suck in a quick breath and shiver.

"Don't distract me then."

Eli leaned forward for a gentle bite to Sara's clavicle, then withdrew completely.

"Okay, I'm hands and mouth off now."

Cupping Eli's face with both hands, Sara's expression grew serious, but not gravely so.

"What's up with Sofia lately, Eli? She's been avoiding me, she's been overly professional at work, I can barely remember when she last joked around and she's even been calling you more randomly. You know I've always wondered about the true nature of your relationship with her, because that's what the two of you have, it was always more than mere friendship. Or just a kind I have not experienced myself yet. Sometimes, mostly when we were just getting started, I thought the only difference was that you didn't spent just as much time with her as you did with me and that you don't sleep with her."

Sara kissed Eli softly on the corner of her mouth.

"I always thought that I was rather dense when it came to interpersonal relationships, to noticing the little hints and peculiarities, but Eli, love, you're oblivious, aren't you?"

Eli furrowed her brows and her look of perplexity was disturbingly charming.

"Oh, you are oblivious. So here's my theory. And don't say a thing until I'm finished, okay?"

Nodding, Eli agreed.

"I think a part of her at least is still in love with you. I'm not even sure if she if she's really conscious about it. She's not jealous, she doesn't want to be in my place, she doesn't even really want to have you, I think. I would even say she is genuinely happy for you, for us. But she's always looking out for you. And sometimes it's right there, written all over her face. Then she looks at you and you can tell, she loves you. She cares so deeply about you, it's in her eyes, Eli. I remember this one fight we had, while we were on that trip with the usual suspects, you remember?"

Again, Eli nodded.

"I- I yelled at you and Linds scolded us both, asking us if we were trying to ruin a completely perfect day. So I gave you the death glare and stormed off into the woods. When I walked past Sofia, I practically shrank under her stare. It said: God help you if you ever really hurt her, Sara. I tried to tell her with my eyes that I never intentionally would and she acknowledged. It was fine. When I joined you guys again, hours later, Eli, if I didn't trust you like I do, if I wouldn't know you the way I do, I would've gone into a jealous rage. You sat with your back against a tree-trunk, Sofia leaned into you between your legs and you had covered the both of you with a blanket. The back of her head was resting against your shoulder, your arm was slung around her and you were talking. It looked so intimate, so close. Before you got up you kissed the top of her head and she touched your cheek and for a second my heart plummeted. Then you came up to me and kissed me like there was no tomorrow and told me you understood and we'd talk about it at home and everything was alright. And I marveled what you guys talked about. What she told you. How she managed to calm you down, to make you understand, how she could get you that good."

Eli placed her hand over Sara's heart.

"Wow... You've given this a lot of thought. But what are you asking here, Sar? Are you asking me if I harbour any feelings for Sofia that go beyond friendship? If that's the reason why she keeps her distance from me lately, so I'm not tempted or anything?"

Sara shrugged her shoulders and remained quiet. Eli just watched the motions run over Sara's face, before she finally husked.

"No. Yes... I don't know. I know that you love me, completely. I know that you would never intentionally hurt me. But I am sure that there are many different forms of love and yours for Sofia extends beyond my perception of friendship. You say you were attracted to her. How do you keep that apart? How do you look at her? How do you not want her when you feel for her what you obviously do? I don't mean to sound so insecure or suspicious, I just want to understand."

Eli stared at Sara with awe in her eyes. Just this made her fall even deeper in love with her girlfriend, once again.

"Okay, now you have to let me talk. Promise."

"I do."

"It is more than friendship. I can't explain it to you, but apart from my relationship with you and my connection to Leonard, I've never felt as comfortable with someone as I do with Sofia. I'm not afraid to share closeness with her, it is a kind of intimacy, but there is nothing sexual about it. Just because I think that she is attractive, and she is, doesn't mean I'm necessarily interested in her that way. Because the only one I want to share that part of myself with is you. It is like you said, she just understands me. Not better than you, don't ever think that. Just in a different way. Sofia is blunt when I need it, kicks my ass and we have some interests in common that you don't really share, you know? Like you and Greg. When I'm feeling weak or down and you're not around, I go to her. For comfort that's more than just words. More than Cath's pep talks, though she's sure good at those. For a hug, a caress, a short cuddle. I haven't kissed her, at least not on the mouth, since that day I told you about. The thought did never cross my mind again. But I like to have her close, I trust her, I understand her, she always seems to know where I'm coming from and I really didn't realise that she could still have any kind of romantic feelings for me. I'd hate the thought that when I hold her, she could wish things hadn't turned out the way they did. I don't want to cause her any pain. I like it that she looks out for me, but I do the same for her, on the job and off. And she keeps her distance lately because of a personal- issue. It's not just you, it's everyone. I advised her to take some time off, but she wouldn't. But she said she needed to go through that alone. And I'm not going to impose myself on her when she doesn't want that. I'm worried, but I know she can take care of herself. I'm sorry, I can't tell you any specifics, she told me in absolute confidence."

Sara's eyes widened, but she pursed her lips and nodded slowly.

"That's okay, I'd never ask you to break her trust."

"I know. I contemplated telling you anyway, because I- I think I need to tell you. I think I need to talk about it."

"If you want to, you can."

"Uh-huh." A long pause. "You really think she might still in love with me?"

"Ya."

"She deserves to be happy. I just want to see someone making her as happy as you make me."

"I love you."

"Huh?"

"I love you, Eli. I just completely and utterly adore you."

"Why, Sara, you do?"

"Yep. Because you care. Because you have so much room, so much love in that heart that beats in here. I just love you."

"I love you, too, Waves."

"Perfect."

They kissed, Eli's leg in the grass again, giving the hammock new momentum. Cuddling quietly, Eli suddenly sighed deeply and cleared her throat.

"She's pregnant, Sar."

Sara head shot up, eyes wide as saucers.

"Come again? What?"

"She had some weird one night stand and she is pregnant. Only a few weeks and she's considering an abortion."

Scrambling into a sitting position, Sara faced Eli with shock on her features. Eli took off her glasses and let one arm fall over her eyes.

"There was protection, you know the percentages, it just happened anyway. She said he was a good-looking, charming guy and they clicked and one thing led... You know. But that was it. It's really taking a toll on her. Sofia wants a kid, but she also wants a family for that. She's taking the decision very serious, she knows my point of view, that's why I can be of no help. I don't support abortion. But it's her decision and if she thinks that it's not the right time, that she doesn't want to become a mother right now, then she can make that decision. I'm in absolutely no position to tell her what to do, though I've offered her my, in fact our full support should she decide to go through with it. Was that okay, speaking for you?"

Sara nodded frantically.

"Under these circumstances, absolutely. She could count on us if she wanted to. Oh man..."

They exchanged a glance that said everything.

"I'm waiting for her call, more or less. She told me she'd let me know when she's made her decision. And I will support her anyway. Though it will be tough on me. I just don't know if I could go with her to the clinic. I don't think I can. I want to be there for her, but-" Eli paused and averted her eyes.

Sara jumped in.

"You believe it's a sin."

"Yes, I do believe so. I accept that others don't and I would never wave a banner or try to hinder women to execute their legal right, but my understanding of when life begins differs from the law's. I-" Again, Eli didn't know how to go on.

"When she calls and tells you she's made an appointment, tell her she should tell me. That you think she can trust me with this and that you are sure I would go with her if she needs support."

"You'd do that?"

"Of course. She's my friend, too. And I respect your beliefs, so does she but she shouldn't have to go through it alone and you won't feel pressured to do it even though you don't want to."

"I want to - be there, no matter what. I promised." The look on Eli's face was pained and torn. "Thank you, love. I'll tell her. But I'll also keep thinking whether I eventually can do it. I'll make it contingent upon her willingness to have you around or rather not. If she says it's too personal, I'll go."


While Eli placed the sprinkler on yet another spot on the grass, her cell rung.

"Fia. How-" She listened closely as she was interrupted instantly. "Uh-huh." A deep breath. "Okay. You know, maybe you should have someone with you who can offer you more support, who's not as - opposed, I'm so sorry I have to say this again right now, to the idea. I think you should think about asking Sara. You trust her, don't you?" Another pause and Eli shut her eyes tightly and inwardly yelled in frustration and knowledge that she'd relent."No, it's okay, I get it. No, she won't feel insulted, are you crazy, woman? I'll be there. In fact, I'll come by your place in the morning." Eli clenched her teeth. "Don't you dare even think that. I. Will. Be. There. I will be glued to your side. I won't let go of you through the whole thing, okay?" Her fingers found the St. Christopher medal beneath her shirt. "Will I what? Are you asking me to-? I will. Believe me, I already have and I will, okay? Shall I come back tonight, you shouldn't be alone-" Again, Sofia interrupted Eli. "Sure? Okay, if you say so. One more thing though, can I please talk to Sara about it?" - "God, thanks! So Thursday. Oh fuck, stop it, Sofia, you are not ruining our vacation. In fact, you'll be on sick leave anyway so why don't I take you with me back to Frisco and we all spent the weekend here? Just think about it. We won't hover. Just a change of scenery. Hm. Yep. Take care, Fia. Remember, I love you nonetheless, okay? Bye!"

Eli hadn't even noticed Sara standing in the shade of a tree a couple of feet away until she spoke up.

"She's made her decision."

"Yeah." Eli just breathed.

"When are you leaving?"

"Wednesday evening. I'm gonna fly and I'll eventually bring her back here for the weekend on Friday morning. That okay?"

Sara smiled and took Eli into a safe embrace.

"You can do that. Take her with you. It will give her some time to rest."

"She sounded so defeated. I know I can do it, because she needs me to be the tough one this time. Sara, she's 35. This could've been it for her. And she knows it. I don't get it. She'd get all the support she needed..."

Fingers softly sealed Eli's mouth, followed closely by lips kissing her insistently.

"Let it go. Come on, set the timer on the sprinklers and then let's get inside. I'm gonna cook something up. No restaurant tonight. Just me and you and a movie, okay?"

Eli inhaled deeply and tried to push the contemplation about Sofia's decision into the back of her mind. The uneasiness and worry remained, but when she looked at Sara again, she nodded and kissed her back.

"You're right." She ran her hand down Sara's back. "So, you're cooking, gorgeous? And a movie? Can we make out on the couch and throw popcorn at each other? I need to get really different thoughts into my head."

Laughing, Sara let go of Eli and gently pushed her towards the water tap.

"Are you gonna come in your pants like some overeager teenage boy when I let you get to second base?"

Eli whipped around and stared. Simply stared.

"Mind - blank, love. How'd you do that?" Eli advanced on Sara again. "Think I could grab a little teaser for that movie?"

Sara just winked and walked backwards towards the house.

"No, you can't. And I simply know how to handle you. I think I always knew. Hurry up. Waiting for you." And with that Sara lifted her bikini-top for the fraction of a second and blew Eli a kiss before she vanished into the kitchen.


Guys, is somebody still out there? I'd love to have some feedback. All I hear lately is an echo...echo...echo... Please, share some of your thoughts with me, will you?