Chapter 11
Maura heard Jane praying, and it worried her. Although she knew Jane still considered herself Catholic, she was no longer observant and rarely prayed. It wasn't that she didn't believe in prayer; she just saw it as a last resort. As long as there was something that could be done about a situation, Jane preferred to be out there doing it, not down on her knees asking God to do it for her. It just wasn't her style.
So for Jane to be praying now, it must mean she felt there was nothing left for her to do. She was worried sick about Maura, and she was desperate. Maura didn't want her to feel that way.
But she didn't know how to stop feeling the way she felt, either. She wanted to be here with Jane, she really did, but she couldn't stop thinking about everyone else on the plane…especially Lauren. She'd read that Lauren had died from a crushing injury. Maura was sure Lauren would have lived if she hadn't switched seats with her. She had thought she was being nice, but she had ended up killing the girl. But she also knew that if she had died instead, it would have killed Jane. It was like there was no good outcome.
"I just wish I hadn't let you get on that plane," Jane said, sitting next to Jane's hospital bed in the morning. "I should have let you kiss me. I should have kept you up all night having sex so you'd oversleep and miss your plane. When it crashed and everyone died, we would have said how lucky it was that you weren't on it. You wouldn't have known any of the people on the plane, and you wouldn't have survivor's guilt. "
"Well, it's too late now," said Maura with a sigh. "We can't go back and change it."
"No, we can't. But you know, we're both living with something. You changed seats with Lauren, but I let you go on the trip. And how would things have been different, on that plane, if you hadn't been there? First Class guy gets his seat, while Lauren is alone on the aisle. Don't you think she would have moved to the window seat on her own if no one was there?"
"It's not unlikely," Maura admitted.
"And you would never have been hurt, and you wouldn't be carrying this weight around, of being the only survivor.
Maura closed her eyes. "It's not that I'm sad I'm alive," she explained. "I'm just sad that everyone else is dead."
"That makes sense," Jane admitted. "Maybe you just need time to grieve, and then you can enjoy being alive again."
Maura nodded, tears running down her face. "I hope so. I want to enjoy it again. I just want to enjoy being with you."
Jane caught her hand and kissed it. "It's an honor to be with you, no matter how you're feeling."
~R&I~
Although she hated being in the hospital again, having a few days of enforced rest felt like a blessing. She got to take a break from trying to live for a little bit, and just exist. Jane would find something to watch on TV and then get into bed with Maura, wrapping her arms around her. Maura enjoyed her company. As much sadness as she felt, she was still grateful to be here with Jane. It meant everything that Jane loved her this much.
A psychiatrist came to evaluate Maura. He prescribed her an antidepressant and gave her a referral to an outpatient psychiatrist she could begin seeing to work through her feelings of survivor's guilt. When she was released from the hospital, she would begin seeing Dr. Rosenstein on a weekly basis, in addition to her daily physical therapy and periodic doctor's appointments. Her whole life revolved around trying to recover from that horrible crash.
When she left the hospital, she had to get back to therapy, and she promised herself she would try harder, even though her heart still wasn't in it. As she returned to Jane on her first day back at therapy, she found her on the phone, saying, "I'd love to, but I just don't think Maura's up to it yet."
"Who was that?" Maura asked after Jane hung up.
"Frankie. He wants me to join everyone at the Robber tonight."
Maura studied her. "Let's go."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I don't want to keep you from doing things you enjoy, and I know you won't go without me. So let's go together. I can manage."
Jane smiled tenderly. "We won't stay long, okay? As soon as you get tired, we'll go home."
Maura did enjoy being in the familiar environment of the Dirty Robber, even if she did feel a bit out of place coming in with her walker. There were a lot of cops there, and they all surreptitiously stared at the chief medical examiner as she limped in with her walker and protective boot. But she put on a brave face because she wanted Jane to enjoy herself.
Eventually, though, the topic of conversation turned to the plane crash and Maura's miraculous survival.
"We saw the crash live on TV here at the Robber," Korsak said. "We thought for sure no one would survive. Of course Angela had Jane on the phone, and she heard Jane screaming, so I told her to go. It was a horrible moment. Doc, I can't tell you how glad we all are that you made it."
Maura smiled. "Thank you, Sergeant." She looked at Jane. "You were screaming?"
Jane looked down. "I thought I was watching the love of my life die right before my eyes, while I was setting the table so I could tell you over dinner how much I loved you. Yeah, I kind of went out of my mind for a few minutes."
Maura took her hand and squeezed it. "I guess it's a good thing I lived then, isn't it?"
"I'm glad I got to tell you I loved you after all, that's for sure," said Jane, kissing her on the cheek.
"It was like a miracle that you lived," Frankie agreed. "Like you were specially chosen or something. "
"I wasn't chosen," Maura said, looking down as tears filled her eyes. She felt Jane's hand reassuringly rubbing her back.
"Did I say something wrong?" Frankie asked.
"Yes!" snapped Maura, anger suddenly flaring in her chest. She looked around the table. "None of you understand, do you? You think I won the lottery because I lived. What you don't understand is that I did die. The life that I knew is over. I'm never going to be the person I used to be. I can't get dressed on my own. I can't stand up without support. Every movement I make hurts. And worst of all, a teenage girl is dead because of me! And you want me to feel special for that?"
"Doc, it's not like that," said Korsak. "We all understand survivor's guilt. We just—"
"Do you?" Maura asked, rounding on him. "Would you have liked it if something like this was kept from you? All of you treated me like a child, doing everything you could to keep the news from me."
"Jane told us to," Frankie said defensively.
"I'm so sorry, Maura," Jane said, her eyes glittering with tears. "I just wanted to protect you."
"I went all that time, thinking there were other people like me, working to get better, people who could understand what I was going through, and that maybe someday I would meet them," Maura said, tears streaming down her face as she looked at Jane. "I mentioned Lauren to you several times, and you knew she was dead, and you let me think she was still alive. You never corrected me. I just feel so stupid, that everyone else knew and I didn't. It never even crossed my mind that everyone might be dead. I never thought of it." Her shoulders heaved with sobs, and the movement was painful. Everything hurt. Everything was a reminder that her body had sustained injuries it wasn't meant to survive.
"And I knew it would destroy you," Jane said, her own tears falling now. "I just wish there was more I could do. I love you so much, Maura. I couldn't stop the plane from crashing, so I just protected you the only way I knew how. I wish I could have done more. I wish I could do more now."
Maura looked at Jane, and then she covered her face in shame. She knew everything Jane had done had been out of love. She was wrong to yell at her.
"I-I'm sorry," Frankie stammered. "I didn't mean to start anything."
"It's just not as lucky as you might think, being the only survivor," Jane told him. "We're all glad Maura made it through, but it would have been nice if other people could have made it as well. It's just an awful weight to carry, knowing you made it out when everyone else died, and then to have people add the extra burden of expecting her to do something special now because she was 'chosen…'"
Maura took her hands away and leaned gratefully against Jane, the tears still falling. It meant the world to know her wife got it, even if no one else seemed to. Jane wrapped her arms around her and kissed the top of her head.
"We're just glad you're here," said Nina gently. "You don't have to do anything extra special. You're special enough as you are. We all enjoy having you around, Maura, and we understand that what you're going through isn't easy. There's nothing lucky about being in a plane crash."
"I'm sorry I got upset," Maura said, her voice brittle. "I'm just very emotional right now."
"Anyone would be," Jane said softly, gently stroking Maura's hair. "But maybe it's time we went home and got some rest."
Maura nodded gratefully. "It was nice to see everyone," she said, looking around the table. "It really was. I've missed you all. I'm sorry for being so—"
"Don't mention it," Angela said. "You're human, and you've been through hell."
Everyone murmured that they were glad to see her too and completely understood her outburst, and Jane got up to unfold Maura's walker and help her stand. As they were making their way out, Angela called out to Jane, who turned to speak to her for a moment. Maura walked out into the drizzle on her own, heading towards Jane's car, which was parked across the street. She was already tired from being on her feet so much at therapy, and her good hip now hurt at least as much as the bad one from walking in this boot. Add in her emotional misery, and she was more than ready to just sink into the passenger seat and let Jane drive her home.
Thoughts were swirling through her mind as she walked through the light of the streetlamps. Frankie's comment wasn't unusual. People seemed to think being the only survivor was something to be proud of, as if Maura had somehow emerged victorious. They thought it made her special. They didn't imagine her being constantly haunted by Lauren's young face, her excitement over a part she would never get to play, the pictures she took of the very first runway she had ever been on – the first and last. Still, Maura felt bad for yelling at the very people who cared about her. She'd agreed to come because she wanted Jane to be able to socialize and have fun, and she had ended up ruining the evening for everyone. She knew Jane had only been trying to protect her by making everyone stay silent on her being the only survivor, and Jane had been right to believe it would hamper Maura's recovery. It wouldn't have done her any good to know sooner. She ought to appreciate the people who loved her, but still. She felt she had no right to this, no right to be alive and surrounded by people who loved her and even forgave her for acting like such a jerk.
Maura was halfway across the street when she heard a horn blaring. She looked up to see a speeding car coming straight at her, tires squealing as it struggled to stop on the wet pavement. She had a split second to try to run, but she couldn't run. All she could do was limp along with her walker.
Suddenly, arms grabbed her from behind, yanking her out of the car's path just in time. She, Jane, and the walker fell into a heap at the side of the road. The car squealed to a stop right in the place where Maura had been, the driver rolling down his window to look at the two women lying on the side of the street.
"How about fucking checking for traffic before you cross the street, lady?" he shouted.
"How about yielding to disabled pedestrians? Can't you see she has a damn walker?" Jane shouted back.
"That doesn't give her the right to just walk out in traffic!" he yelled back.
"Maybe if you'd been going the speed limit, you would have had time to stop!" Jane retorted.
"Whatever," the man mumbled before rolling up his window and speeding away.
"Asshole," Jane muttered before turning to Maura. "Did you do that on purpose?" she asked, her voice shaking. "Were you trying to get killed?"
"No!" Maura insisted. "I was just so lost in thought, I forgot to look before I started into the street. I'm so sorry, Jane. I could have gotten you killed."
"Don't worry about that. Are you okay?" Jane asked, her whole body trembling as she looked Maura up and down.
"Yeah," Maura said, taking mental stock of every aching body part. "Are you?"
"I'm fine. Are you sure you're okay? Is your lung all right?"
Maura took a deep breath. "It's fine."
"Thank God." Jane pulled Maura to her chest and held her close, sniffling. "I couldn't stand it if you got hurt again. I can't see you get hurt anymore. I have to keep you safe."
"But you could have been killed, running out in front of a car like that."
"So? I'd rather die with you than just watch you die." She pulled back, searching Maura's face in the light of the streetlamp. "Don't you already know I would die for you?"
And she did. Maura did know that. She had known it from the first time she had ever felt her own life in danger, when a retired cop had put a gun to her head and Jane had willingly put her own gun down, putting herself in danger just to make sure he didn't hurt Maura. She had known it when Marino pointed his gun at both of them and Jane had insisted on keeping Maura behind her at all times, thereby ensuring she was the one he took hostage. She had known it when Jane had tackled Hoyt, with her hands tied, the second he dared to put his hands on Maura. She had known it when Jane had put her gun down again in front of Dennis Rockmond, telling him her life was in his hands, that she would do anything as long as he didn't hurt Maura. And she had known it when the two of them had walked together through the tunnels underneath a collapsing parking garage, Jane unsuccessfully begging Maura to leave, and every time they had heard a crumbling sound up above, Jane had begun to cover Maura's body with her own.
Jane had always been willing to die for Maura. The least Maura could do was live for Jane.
"Thank you for saving me," she whispered. She tilted her head back and kissed Jane. The kiss deepened, and Maura wrapped her arms tightly around Jane's neck.
"You haven't kissed me like that in a long time," Jane panted when they finally came up for air.
Maura smiled. "I realized it was overdue. I should be enjoying you more."
Jane smiled back. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. I'm never going to stop feeling sad that I'm the only passenger who survived that plane crash, but I am alive, so I might as well make it count. And you, Jane Rizzoli, are very much worth living for."
"I'm very relieved to hear you say that." Jane helped Maura up, supporting her while she set the walker back up. "Let's get you home, okay?"
The ride home was fortunately a short one. They didn't say much, but once they got into the house, they seemed to be magnetically drawn to each other. Maura very much wanted to show Jane that she really did want to live, however badly her heart might be broken. And Jane, for her part, seemed eager to remind Maura how loved she was. By the time they had ridden the elevator to the second floor, most of their clothes were off. Jane abandoned the walker in the hallway and lifted Maura into her arms, laying her down gently on the bed. She undid the protective boot and removed Maura's bra and panties, leaving the blonde completely naked on the bed. Maura knew this meant her scars were all on full display, but she realized now why they didn't make her any less attractive to Jane. They were proof that she had survived, that she had clawed her way back from the brink of death just to be with Jane. And while Maura didn't remember much about the days after the accident, she knew that was exactly what she had done. Whether she deserved this or not, Jane was worth living for.
As Jane lowered her naked body onto Maura's, the blonde savored each sensation: skin against skin, breast against breast, and ohh, the thrilling sensation of Jane's core pressing against her own. Maura held Jane close for a few minutes, their bodies moving wordlessly together. Then she nudged Jane onto her back.
"I'm going to make love to you properly tonight," she declared.
"So what you've been doing was just practice?"
"Pretty much." And Maura set to work, finally taking the time to explore every inch of that smooth olive skin she had admired for years. Slithering around on the bed was neither easy nor painless, but she could do it now, and it was easy enough to ignore the pain with such beauty before her. Her hands caressed shoulders and thighs; her tongue explored the hollow of an exquisite collarbone and ascended each breast before teasing taut nipples and descending the other side; her lips kissed their way across firm abs and up the tender inside of one muscular thigh. When she finally found herself at Jane's center, she was not surprised to find her swollen and wet. She got down on her stomach and lapped away thirstily, her cheeks caressed by Jane's thighs as the detective tried to push herself further into Maura's mouth. The hoarse cries of her orgasm filled Maura with a sense of pride.
After Maura climbed back up to lie on her pillow, Jane turned over and began traveling down her body, kissing each and every scar tenderly. Her fingers slipped inside Maura as she teased her clit with her tongue, and Maura raised her hips to better receive her, teasing her own nipples with her fingers while Jane's fingers slipped in and out, coaxing her up and over the precipice.
"I love you so much," Maura breathed when she and Jane lay in each other's arms afterwards.
"I love you too," Jane whispered. "I feel like…that's the first time in a while that…"
"I've used sex to feel more alive instead of using it to escape life?"
Jane smiled. "Yeah, I guess that's it."
Maura sighed. "I've been feeling guilty about being alive. I've felt like I didn't have a right to enjoy things like this."
"Which is a normal way to feel, but Maura, it's just not true. You do deserve this. And I know the other people deserved it too, but that doesn't make you deserve it any less."
"I know." Maura nestled her head in the crook of Jane's neck. "I'm not sure how to stop feeling sad, but I need to move forward, and I think the only way to do that is to live life to the fullest, and be grateful for what I have."
"Like I'm already doing." Jane held Maura close, toying with her hair. "There's no way to describe how grateful I am to still have you. I would do anything for you, Maura. Just name it, and I'll do it."
"You're already doing it, and I hope you know how grateful I am to still be with you. I wanted it more than anything. I know I did, and I know that's why I fought so hard to live. I just didn't know I was the only one." Maura wiped away a tear. "So there's a start. I can at least live for you. I could never regret having you, so I'm going to enjoy you in every way I can, and go from there."
Jane broke into a grin. "I think that's a great place to start."
