Disclaimer: I do not not own Hey Arnold, or any song written by KISS or The Offspring.
AN: Thank you for tolerating the sophomoric humor. Thank you for reading.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Jack the Joke? Who said you could interrupt me in the middle of a cigarette break?" The only one allowed to do that was Ludwig.
"It's like this, I've got a little problem with a certain someone, so I came to the person I knew could help me out." He looked like he was aiming for vengence. I loved vengence!
"So, who is this certain someone?"
"'Da Blonde Bomb.'" His threatening eyes told me something was wrong within the realm of the 'senior circle'.
"Helga? What'd she ever do to you?" Maybe he was just jealous of her expertise, after all that was why he was called a joke. When it came to Ju Jit Su, I'd heard she'd slammed him on several occasions.
"Let's put it this way. I want her and that football headed kid to suffer."
"You mean Arnold?" I asked, grinning maniacally.
"Then you can help me?" he returned, followed by a wicked smile of his own.
"You bet I can. The material's a little old, but with a little rearranging I can make it fresh." It was about time I'd had a good laugh, and the time was ripe.
"Hey, dude!"
"Hey, dude. Mind if I bum a smoke?" I handed Ludwig a cigarette, presenting my offer to him.
"How would you like to help our buddy, Jack here out by making a social commentary music video for the school news?" He had no clue what I was talking about by his bewildered face.
"What's the video gonna be about?"
"Our 'favorite' couple." I answered, putting emphasis on the word 'favorite'.
"You mean Helga and the football faced wuss?" All those pearly whites were represented by his demented smile. "What you planning on using?"
"Remember all the material we shot, but never used for my site?"
"HA! HA! HA! That stuff's rich, dude! You think we'll get suspended for it?"
"Who cares?! I'm in the mood for some fun! This is Helga we're talking about." I knew he'd no doubt go with the plan because Jack wasn't the only one who'd gotten whipped in a tournament. Ludwig the Loser was the name affiliated with this guy after Helga knocked him to the ground. He was definitely still sore about it. My buddy was ready for some revenge of his own.
"Which clip are you gonna use? The one on the site?"
"No, the OTHER one!"
"Oh, THAT one! HA! HA! HA! Once again, rich AND creamy, dude!"
"What are you guys talking about?"
"Shut up, Joker. I'm conversing with Ludwig right now. I'll let you know my price as soon as we're done."
"Price?" Like he didn't know I charged EVERYONE a fee.
"Unless you're willing to pay, then forget it! Actually, Lud, with a little dubbing and editing, I can probably use both those clips, with your help of course." I sent him a telepathic stare and he retrieved the message in a snap.
"Oh yeah! SO SWEET! Have you decided what music you're gonna use for it?"
"Yeah, but we'll hammer out the details later. Right now, we've got work to do!"
"You rock, dude!"
"I know."
"Hey, what's the charge for this crazy scheme of yours?" Jack was exasperated by now, but I didn't give a rip, 'cause I was looking more and more forward to amusing myself.
"Pack of smokes and a bottle of Jack Daniels for BOTH of us. I know you can get it too, so don't let us down, got it?"
"Not to worry. I've snuck into my dad's liquor store so many times it's nothin'."
"Good, then you'll get your video, but only once you've delivered the goods."
"Helga's gonna get what's comin' to her," he laughed.
"No, Helga AND Arnold are gonna get what's coming to THEM!" We all laughed heartily at the thought of the finished product.
"Come on, Ludwig, what are you waiting for? We've got a video to make!"
The two of them stepped onto the bus holding hands and walked passed me as if I was the air itself. Oh well, at least I had the entire seat to stretch my legs out on. That's when I overheard Sid and Stinky discusssing my situatioin, deciding to tune in on their conversation, suspicious of any information spreading on top of the ludicrous rumors going around.
"You really think it's true, Stinky? You really think Arnold's goin' out with Helga?"
"It must be true, Sid, on account o' his face was as red as a boiled crawdad."
"Uh, I think that's lobster, Stinky."
"Oh, hey, look who's gettin' on the bus! It's Helga!" Helga? Oh, great, and my seat was the only one available on the entire bus!
"Doesn't she usually get a ride with that Henry dude?"
"Usually, but maybe since she's become what they call 'exclusive' with Arnold, it ain't a good idea no more."
"Maybe."
"Hey, Football Head, scoot over!"
"Shh! Duck!" I didn't want those two to know we were sitting together. Otherwise they'd be on to me all day. "Why aren't you riding with Henry today?"
"Because he took Lila today. They're both in the work program and he works right next to the copy shop."
"Where does he work?"
"At the gym, doi!"
"How was I supposed to know?"
"You'd better pipe down if you don't want those two stooges behind us to hear ya." She had a good point, so we both remained quiet, monitoring what we were able to hear. Unfortunately, for me, it was everything.
"You know, Stinky, it wouldn't surprise me at all if Helga and Arnold were goin' out."
"Why's that?"
"You know the other guy Jack that Helga hangs out with? He's been goin' around talkin' about somethin' that happened to Arnold the first day of school. Seems Henry told him about it. After all, they are best friends ya know." My eyes opened wide while my ears absorbed their play by play report. That is, until Helga broke into one of her interrogating questions.
"Hey, why did you walk to English class the other day after lunch when you know chemistry is our next class?"
"I had a lot on my mind and wasn't thinking. Why'd you follow me?" Her answer would probably smack me right in the face.
"Same reason, Hair Boy! I only mentioned English because of that creative writing assignment that's due today. What'd you do yours on?"
"It's just a one shot story. Now could YOU keep it down, so I can hear?" I'd wanted to ask her what she'd come up with for her assignment, but it was too late now. I'd already told her to be quiet.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever...oh...that's right. The two clowns behind us."
"It's obvious they're dating. Why would the both of them show up absent mindedly to our English class? They're both A level. We're B level."
"I have to concur, Sid. Ya know, I reckon I heard that yarn Jack was spinnin' yesterday. Wasn't it that Arnold got hisself so stirred up after seein' Helga for the first time, his man leg got as stiff as a piece o' plywood?"
"Heh, heh! Yeah, that's what I heard too!" At Sid's laughter, my face ripened into what I thought was plum. I shifted my eyes in Helga's direction, realizing she'd done the same thing, the blooming color in her cheeks turning a comparable shade. Fluctuating my body to face the window, I watched the cars whiz by. Besides the pajama incident with Iggy way back in fourth grade, this had to be the most humiliating moment in my entire life. No, actually, this WAS the most humiliating moment in my entire life! Our awkward silence was interrupted by the bus's sudden stop. To our surprise, Phoebe and Gerald were getting off about three blocks before their destination.
"Hey Arnold, don't save a seat for me at lunch today. I won' t be there. Uh, are you sick or somethin'? I know it's hot on this bus, but by the color of your face, you look WAY overheated man." His comment was followed by an uproar of spasmodic laughter from behind our seat, but Helga ignored it. She was too stunned by the fact that Phoebe was about to skip a day of school.
"Phoebes! You're ditching school?! But what about your homework?"
"Don't worry, Helga. I'm already finished with tonight's assignments, and quite pleased to inform you that I've chosen to accept your advice in that I should have 'a little fun' every now and then."
"But Phoebes! Ditching school?!"
"I'm in good hands," she eyed Gerald lovingly, "and Gerald's right. It must be sweltering on this bus because your face is flushed as well." Apparently, the two made the connection as to what was going on once they'd noticed Stinky and Sid roaring in the back of us, because they turned to face each other, then smiled slyly.
"We'll catch YOU TWO later, buddy." Gerald winked at me extending his thumb and index finger. "Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm." The couple departed, leaving Helga and I to contemplate our situation further. I was starting to get annoyed with the laughter and could tell Helga was peeved. After so long, she turned around and started yelling at Sid.
"If you don't shut up I'm gonna give you a piece of Old Betsy!"
"Aaaah! Please don't hurt me Helga! I thought Old Betsy was retired, heh,heh!"
"She is, but she'll come out of retirement if you don't zip your lips, ya moron! I'll also rip your tongue out, so you'll be wearing it for a replacement hat!"
"Willikers! Miss Helga's stickin' up for her boyfriend!" Stinky's assumption had me so enraged I turned around myself and let him have it.
"YOU WANT ME TO ASK HER FOR THE FIVE AVENGERS TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TOO, STINKY?" Their reaction was to display two scandalous grins. Helga slapped her forehead, then turned me around, forcing me back into our seat.
"Nice going, Arnoldo! Do you realize what you just did? You just dug us into an even deeper grave, Bucko!" Her words hit me like a fist thrust right into my face, causing me to remain silent the remainder of the bus route. Stinky and Sid became cautious as well, whispering and snickering quietly amongst themselves, careful to stear clear of our hearing range.
When the bus arrived at our destination, I let Helga out in front of me, hoping if I waited long enough a few bodies would move in behind her, but no luck. Sid was blocking the aisle.
"After you, loverboy, heh,heh,heh!" My black stare didn't seem to affect him at the moment. Just as I was about to walk down the last step, I felt a forceful shove from behind, causing me to lose my balance. I wasn't hip to the idea of my face landing on the concrete, so I grabbed the first object that came across my path. To my dismay, it wasn't an object. It was Helga, and my head had buried itself right into her chest.
"Hubba hubba! Heh,heh,heh!"
"Willikers! Arnold's got hisself another-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Stinky! We'd better make like two bananas and split before they come after us!"
"I reckon you're right! Let's get outta here!" I reminded myself with a mental note that, when the opportunity arose, I would kill those two."
"Uh...sorry about that, Helga." I rubbed the back of my neck, glancing up at her nervously.
"You'd better be, Football Head!"
"Um...Helga...?"
"Yeah, what is it, Hair Boy?"
"Um...do you think I could walk behind you, just at least until we get up to the building?"
"Will you stop creeping me out, ya creep?!" She regretted her words once she understood my condition. "Oh...you can walk behind me, just as long as you don't get too close, if you catch my drift."
"I hear ya LOUD and CLEAR!" I answered. This had to be the worst day of my life, but I had an ominous feeling this wasn't the end of it.
Chemistry proved to be quite a bore today, but at least Harold and Rhonda's extra credit assignment turned out to be fascinating.
"What is this crap? It looks like a piece of stretched out skin mixed in with barf."
"Put it on top of your skin Helga."
"Wow! I'm impressed! Looks like I've got third degree burns on my arms."
"That's because I helped him with it."
"Who'd think someone as fashionable as you would create something as disgusting as this, Princess Rhonda?"
"You know, Helga, I've noticed you've become interested in fashion yourself, by that pink ensemble you've been wearing, but of course, that's probably because you have a BOYFRIEND now."
"Cut the crap, Rhonda. I'm going to back to my seat."
"Yeah, so you can sit with your BOYFRIEND!"
"Fine! Have your way, Ms. Rich and Fancy." I sat down next to Arnold, who seemed as frazzled as I was over the entire 'boyfriend/girlfriend' ordeal. It was bad enough the whole school was full of 'contratulations' and 'nice catch, buddy', but it was worse when we happened to sit down at the same lunch table in the cafeteria. Once the comments started rolling, we both agreed on leaving the lunchroom behind for some fresh air, which only worsened our situation. We heard a slew of whistles and cat calls, even a suggestion we were going outside to 'make out'. What was so crazy about it was that we actually DID end up eating lunch together. My thoughts subsided once Lila neared our desk addressing Arnold, Henry by her side.
"I wanted to say congratulations to the two of you. I'm just ever so happy for you, Arnold. You and Helga make an oh so adorable couple, isn't that right, Henry?"
"Uh...yeah...sure..." I knew he wasn't too thrilled with what she'd said, and as far as Anold's reaction, I didn't think I'd ever seen him give her such an ice cold stare. It actually gave ME chills.
"All right folks, Rhonda and Harold's show's over. On with our own show, time for equations."
"What a snore."
"You're not kidding, Helga."
"At least English might be a little more interesting, considering the school news segment comes on in the middle of class."
"Yeah, I heard there was some kinda video comin' on that's supposed to be really cool. I'm looking forward to it."
"Me too."
"Hey, since nobody believes we're not a couple anyway, you wanna walk with me to class?"
"What, are you kidding? Okay."
At this point, I didn't think either one of us cared we were always seen together lately, but it came to my realization that this was only pretense. If only my beloved could grasp the concept of how much I truly loved him. But then, yet again, he seemed to have some feelings for me of his own that were surfacing, although in my opinion, he probably had no clue as to what they were. Perhaps he'd figure it out someday. Why'd we always have to sit right next to each other in every class we had? Especially English! I couldn't concentrate on my poetry with Mr. Curiosity breathing down my neck. Unless I wanted Arnold to see all the poems I'd written about him, I usually did my writing in the classes he wasn't in, like Geometry. Soon Mrs. Propert's lecture would be over and the news would come on, hopefully for the better.
"That's it for Hawthorne class. After the news there's one piece of work written by one of our exceptional students that I'd like to read aloud. Now take five."
"Anybody know what this video of Wolfgang's is all about?"
"Wolfgang?"
"Yeah, he and Ludwig have been workin' their tails of to meet the deadline, but both of them have kept the info under wraps. All I heard was that it was a social commentary of some sort."
"Hey, you guys, shut up! Here comes the news."
Most of it was a bunch of crap until Wolfgang came into view.
"Hey, all you losers, this is a little clip my buddy Ludwig and I pieced together for your viewing pleasure. It constists of many of our most famous couples here in Hillwood, but dedicated to one very special couple here at P. S. 118 High, followed by my own commentary. Roll it losers!"
Although the screen was pitch black, the video started out with a piece of dialogue.
"Bucko, huh?...I guess that means...that I'm a reeeal cowboy...and being a reeeal cowboy...I have something to giiive you."
"What the?" That was my voice! I turned to Helga who's face was so pale she could have passed for dead. Her petrified eyes were staring right through mine. That had to be from a couple years ago because my voice was a bit deeper now. So, she didn't tell me everything that happened that night! I turned back to the video monitor, afraid of what might come next. It was most of us back when we were in eighth grade, with added features and music.
" I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me..."
First up on the screen was Phoebe and Gerald in a hot lip lock. It was no surprise, but still shocking, nonetheless.
"I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can give it all to you baby
Can you give it all to me..."
Second up was Nadine and Peapod Kid, who now went by the name, Jamil. Those two were in a much more intense lip lock than Gerald and Phoebe's. It had me wondering, what the heck were they doing right now?
Apparently Wolfgang and Ludwig knew a thing or two about the video world, because the pace of the music quickened, interchanging and becoming incredibly intense. With this frame, the screen flashed, 'Hottest Couples' in which each letter was encircled in flames.
"I'm on roll
With all the girls I know
I know you wanna hit that
I know you wannt hit that hit that..."
Uh, oh, Harold and Patty were next up. I glanced back at Rhonda who was about to blow a fuse. I had to laugh at her expense, but it didn't matter because Patty was about to get it handed to her next.
"I'm on a roll
With all the girls I know
I know you wanna hit that
I know you wanna hit that hit that..."
The senior English class was adjacent to ours, so we could hear Patty belting out every obscenity in the book when Harold appeared once again, and this time with Rhonda. I took another glance back at her and took note her face was red as a beet from embarrassment now. Oh, man this was rich! I didn't find it so amusing after I heard my drunken eighth grade voice repeated over the PA system followed by music AND a clip.
"I know you wanna hit that
I know you wanna hit that hit that..."
My eyes were in disbelief at what I was seeing! Helga's body was pressed against me and I was lifting her shirt up! What in the HELL had I done that night?! My entire body was aflame and the room started spinning. Next thing I knew, everything went dark.
"Eveybody's gettin' with, I say
Consequences are a lot, but hey
That's the way it
That's the way things go..."
The one video clip I did NOT want to see came into view, leaving me to rip my hair out! At least it was the end of it, but the damage had been done.
"Oh my gosh! Oh-my-gosh! Arnold and Helga?! Helga and Arnold?!" Rhonda was in complete disarray, as was the entire classroom.
"All right, you losers, remember if you're gonna get as involved as any of these couples, be responsible for your actions, and don't forget to visit my site, which is now Wolfgan's Wild World of the Bizarre. That's all losers."
"Wolfgang and Ludwig, report to the principal's office immediately."
The entire class was silent, and I knew all eyes were on me. What a freakin' nightmare! First the bus, now this? What more could go wrong?!
"Students, what you do on your own time is your business. Now, I'd like to read the piece of work I was discussing before the daily news."
"You mean the daily entertainment!" Curly shouted.
"That's enough, Mr. Gammelthorpe. Now, what I'd like to read is a poem written by our very own Helga G. Pataki called 'My Cowboy' and I'm sure you'll all enjoy it."
"My life is over," I barely let out, using one of Rhonda's famous lines, then turned to face Arnold. He was still out cold, and in one second flat, I followed suit.
AN: Thank you for the constructive criticism.
