TITLE: The Curious Ailments of Sam Swarek

AUTHOR: mahtra

CHAPTER: 11

RATING: T for adult themes and language

UNIVERSE: AU, post 4x01 'Surprises'

SPOILERS: Through 3x13, some relationship spoilers for S4.

PAIRING: McSwarek

SUMMARY: Sam's happy with Marlo. It looks like Andy is finally moving on. Everything would be perfect, if it wasn't for this feeling that he can't breath.

DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: As usual I had very many, very nice comments. Rbfan624, Kazza169, Cynnx, ariel133, bacio4hope, MP31, Jodieandtim, stewart14, Dorkandmindy, Rosesandbears, Tea, No.1Twifanpire, Colferfan1217, jh126, SRyan1985,BekaRoo, totheboats, smdaniels20, kate1701,Goggiebe and a lot of anonymous Guest did just that and get a big thank you from me in return.

AN: I apologize for the long time this chapter took me. I wanted to get it right and I am still uncertain about how it turned out. I think I wrote at least three versions. Obviously I was not able to integrate all suggestions and reasons for their messed up relationship. (There were too many thoughtful comments, thank you all for sharing them!) I included what felt right to me. Also the comments and thoughts in this chapter are subjective views of the characters, so please don't leave any abusive reviews about them.

PS: I love the idea of Sam being a D&D playing fantasy geek:)


Over the weekend Sam has become restless. He has spent a whole week in hospital and then another one at home doing nothing. He has already watched every single DVD he owns twice. And with all the newspaper reading he does nowadays he has gotten a weird appreciation for the subtle language of obituaries. Finally he has ironed all his laundry. Even his sweatpants.

He might be bored out of his mind, but he can't bring himself to read a book. Because he knows that it wouldn't take very long for his thoughts to leave the page to go somewhere else, where neither he nor his thoughts have a right to go.

When Andy finally comes by on Tuesday he feels like something has changed between them; has changed the dynamics. But more importantly Andy seems changed. She is pretty silent. Pensive. And just a little bit hostile. Sam has no idea what might be wrong with her.

Maybe it isn't anything serious at all. Maybe she is just exhausted from her weekend. It seems like he is just as active as Andy. Better able to keep up with her than Sam ever was. Yeah, he is not good at pep talks.

On Wednesday Andy's short temper is gone, but her melancholy remains. He doesn't know if he likes that though. Because when Thursday arrives and nothing has changed in her behavior, Sam feels his gut clench again; not like before when he got anxiety issues at the thought of her with another man. This is different. More like concern.

He is pretty certain that something has happened over the course of the weekend. Her superficial answers prove it to him. Something has shaken Andy and not left her thoughts since then. What it is he can't say, but that it is there he just knows. He is torn between confronting her and giving her space to figure stuff out. Unfortunately letting Andy internalize is even worse than letting him do the same. The hamster wheels in her head frighten him from time to time. She believes in talking about anything. Truly anything. For her not to say a word, means whatever she is going through must be bad. Really bad.

He promises himself that he will confront her by the end of the week if things don't get better. Ok, so maybe he did look into one of the books about mental health Sarah and Oliver have thrust at him. Maybe he has read the chapter about warning signs for depression.

Unfortunately when she comes by on Sunday Oliver is there and he has been joking around ever since he arrived. Sam knows his friends means well, but with him there, there is no chance of getting Andy to talk today.

So Sam postpones his intervention. Only to miss her on Monday completely. Damned doctor's appointment. It is as if the world has conspired to keep them from talking. Or maybe it is Sam himself. Why had he been so adamant with the nurse that Andy's usual time for visits would be the only time he could make it?

On Tuesday morning is pretty tired. He hasn't slept well. And his back is hurting from all the lying down he does. Two days after he came home from the hospital he has decided that he going to buy a new couch sooner rather than later. Probably a new mattress as well. His old ones don't do him any good. But it is more than that. All night he has tossed and turned.

So he presses the snooze button on his alarm clock. It's not like he has to be anywhere today. He is not even sure if Andy will come by . Maybe she took his absence yesterday as a slight. Maybe she has decided that he is fit enough to care for himself.

When he finally makes his way down the stairs he can hear some rummaging in the kitchen. The clock on his phone says 8.23am. So it can't be Sarah; his sister left more than an hour ago. As he makes his way into the kitchen he convinces himself that any burglar would rather take his flat screen or wallet than his pots and pans. It must be someone with a key. That narrows the field down to one friend. And while Oliver probably would be too lazy to cook his friend any breakfast, he might fix himself a plate if he got hungry. And suddenly Sam wants nothing more than to turn around and head back to his bedroom. He is in no mood to deal with him. Lately it seems like Olli knows only two modes: disgustingly cheerful or deeply concerned. Neither one makes Sam more interested in spending time with his buddy.

And then he doesn't need to worry anymore. He is glad to see a pony tail instead of a balding skull rising over the top of his kitchen counter.

He knits his eyebrows together.

"Andy? What are you doing here? How did you get in?"

After the first shock has worn off her face changes. Just from her posture he can tell that she is in a passive-aggressive mood. Again.

"Well, I decided I didn't want to wait outside again. So I came a little bit earlier today." So maybe a bit more agressive than passive.

He rubs his neck guiltily.

"Uh yeah, sorry about that. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday."

She doesn't say anything. Just watches him and the longer she stares the more uncomfortable he becomes. By the time he decides to change the subject he feels like this silent stare down has lasted hours.

"So… umm… how did you get in? I hope you didn't pick the lock. My neighbors could have seen you and called 911. That would be awkward."

He had hoped that a joke would lighten the mood, but he sees how the muscles around her mouth tighten even more.

"Your sister let me in."

Her answer is short.

And Sam has to swallow.

It's not like he kept his sister and his girlfriend apart on purpose. It's just… He never thought of them intermingling. There is Sarah. And there is McNally. For him they are in two different worlds.

But apparently Andy must have thought differently. Back when they were together she hinted on meeting his family and even he wasn't so dense not to understand that. But for him it just doesn't feel right. He always felt like Sarah and Andy would never get along. And he couldn't risk that. They both mean too much to him.

"Well, maybe I should have a word with my sister then, she really shouldn't let any strange women into my house."

Even as he says it, he can tell that his joke fell flat. There isn't even a twitch around her mouth.

"Sarah knew who I was. We met at the hospital."

He didn't know that. When Andy came by Sarah was usually at work or ran some errands.

"So you took the opportunity that I was unconscious to finally introduce yourself to my sister?"

McNally's behavior starts to annoy him. She was always so pushy. Why couldn't she for once respect his boundaries?

"Actually no. Oliver told me to look out for her while we waited for news on you. Don't worry Sam, I would never have dared to invade your precious privacy."

There is the telltale sharpness in her voice. He can feel the fight coming.

"You know, I have no idea what messed you up so royally, but you managed to built this enormous fortress for your feelings and you never let anyone in. Not Oliver. Definitely not me. Not even Jerry. From what I hear Marlo neither. We never saw more than the bailey. But you sit in there and brood and spend all the time defending these walls and you don't even see how it destroys you. There are too many walls for you alone, let someone in. Let someone fight alongside with you."

Sam shakes his head. Apparently she never understood him at all. He did let her in. He lowered the bridge and invited her in to live with him. But she flew. Went off to fight a war instead. And then she swore fealty to someone else.

"Yeah maybe you should ask yourself how that happened. I mean you were running out of the gates as soon as it got tough." He snaps back.

In the back of his mind he wonders if it was wise to watch all three seasons of Game of Thrones last week.

"Oh. I see. You really want to bring up all that up? I told you I needed time to think and if you had put yourself in my position for one moment you would have understood."

"No Andy, I wouldn't have. Because I thought I made it clear what I thought of your leaving. You ran out on us during our suspension. You decided all on your own what was best for us, what was best for me. You never took the time to find out how I really was before you were on your way to North Bay."

"I thought you were over that. I told you, I couldn't stay. It would have cost both our jobs."

"And I told you I understand why you did that. But it doesn't mean that your leaving didn't have an impact on me. I know that we had a messy start and a lot of it was probably my doing Andy, but a lot things happened in my life during the last two years that make some things tough. Sure you were still a rookie. You didn't know how the brass handles these reviews and I know that it was a big deal for you. But the whole disciplinary stuff didn't even register with me. I had more important things on my mind. And I needed you there. I had to work through all of that on my own. Sometimes I feel like I still do. But you weren't there. There were so many times, when I just wanted to pick up the phone and call you. But you told me not to. So can you finally understand why I couldn't be with you after Jerry?"

Some time during his speech Sam's voice has lost its hard edge, it's more pleading now. Pleading for Andy to understand.

For a moment she is silent. Just moving her mouth like she wants to say something. But then she stops, takes a deep breath before her lips begin to move again. And then she looks up at him and her eyes are wide and glistening.

When she finally says something it is more of a whisper than anything else.

"But don't you see, Sam? It was the same for me with Jerry and Gail, Perik, my apartment and Traci and you. I understood that you were grieving, but I needed you too. And then… It was too much for me. I needed some time. I couldn't just jump back into a relationship with you. I thought you would understand."

And Sam understands. He always has. It's just… This damn feeling: The self-doubt, the worthlessness. Because deep down he knows, that he isn't good enough for anyone sticking around.

His throat is tight. They have caused so much grieve one another and he hates to see Andy like this. So he steps closer. When he finally has her in his arms she starts shivering. I hindsight their discussion wasn't very long, but it has drained them both. Too many doors were flung open just now. In both of their heads. He leads her out of the kitchen and over to his cursed couch. He sits down next to her, one arm still around her shoulder. For a moment they are just sitting there in silence.

And then Sam clears his throat.

"You know, I think we should talk some time in the future. I think we both need some closure."

For a tiny moment he can feel Andy stiffen. He suspects it's her normal fight or flight reaction. Another talk will undoubtedly bring more heartache. Or maybe it is just the surprise. Never in his life did he think that he would be the one to suggest they talk about their feelings.

"But maybe you can tell me in the meantime what has been bothering you."

She grimaces and shakes her head.

"Come on Andy, Sp-… Kyle forgot your anniversary or something?"

"Nope."

"Called you the wrong name during sex?"

"Nope."

"McNally, I promise you I won't stop bugging you until you tell me."

"Fine, you want to know what happened? Kyle and I broke up. There. Happy now?"

"But wha- I mean… how… erm… why? I thought you were happy!"

"Yeah, well Sam, you should know that by now: not everything is what it seems."

"So what went wrong?"

She shakes her head and twists her fingers in her lap.

"I was just tired of him risking his life all the time. I told him he would kill himself if he wasn't careful. And he just didn't understand. I told you we were cave diving, right?... Well, there was a silt out and we got into a bit of a dangerous situation. In the end everything worked out and no one was hurt. But we were barely in the car and Kyle started talking about our next trip. How he wanted to go white water rafting. How the silt out was so exhilarating and so on. And I just couldn't take it anymore… Ever since he left ETF he is seeking thrills all the time. I mean some of it was fun, but he is getting pretty reckless and I am afraid that he will kill himself one day. So I gave him an ultimatum, either he tunes down the extreme sports or we are done."


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