Thanks for the reviews so far! Glad you're enjoying Dean's angsty point of view!
And don't worry, the reconciliation will be the next chapter, not long to wait now.
Chapter Eleven
After four days of waiting for Cas 'to stew' and come back once he's calmed down, Dean's getting impatient and more importantly, worried. He's fed up of waiting, wondering if Cas will even come back willingly on his own anymore now that Dean has been a complete and utter dick to him. Will he even want to come back?
It doesn't help that Dean hasn't been sleeping, well at all, napping for half an hour every night but setting an alarm so he wakes up before Lucifer can get in his brain. Sam notices, waking up blearily in the night but he doesn't question it. He must be able to tell what Dean's doing but he probably remembers the last time that Dean had woken up and how he'd came back with broken knuckles so each night he just sighs but goes back to bed, ignoring how Dean grabs the headphones and the laptop and watches shitty videos on the internet while Sam sleeps.
For the first two days the lack of sleep doesn't even bother him, Dean's too busy riding out the high that apparently Castiel actually fucking loves him back, pushing away all the guilt and shit about how he's fucked it all up by being horrible to him, just focuses on how he loves Cas and how he loves him back. It's easy to focus on that, let's it warm him, makes him smile even though the world is going to shit.
But after two days, Dean's optimism starts to falter, the lack of sleep making him question himself why Castiel still hasn't come back, doesn't even communicate at all. Two days is all it takes for Dean to start thinking that Sam has got it wrong, that Cas doesn't really love him and fuck, what if he's gotten his hopes up and then it turns out he was right all along and Cas doesn't want him back?
On the fourth day, Dean stops even caring about the whole 'Castiel may not love him' and just focuses on the fact that they haven't heard from the angel for four days and what if something has fucking happened to him? What if he's not actually sulking and he's actually been hurt? Or captured? And fuck, he can't wait any longer for Castiel to come to him, he's going to call him and he doesn't care if Castiel just turns up to punch him in the face and then flies off again because he just needs to know that Cas is okay.
Just when he's about to just say screw it and call Cas, his phone rings, Sam's name lighting up the screen.
"Hey," Dean says, ready to tell Sam of his new plan to just call Cas down from wherever the hell he's hiding and just kiss him again and damn the consequences when Sam interrupts him.
"Dean, get here now," Sam says urgently.
"What, why, what's happened?" Dean asks, quickening the speed of his car from the diner to the motel room, swerving around too slow cars because he can hear the urgency in Sam's voice and he knows something's gone wrong and oh no, oh no.
"Just get here Dean," Sam orders.
"Are you okay?" Dean asks, panicked.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just-"
"Wait, is Cas okay?" Dean asks, his heart feeling like it's going to jump out of his throat. There's silence on the phone for a moment and no, that's not a good sign and no, this cannot be happening and he's ready to start screaming down the phone that this is Sam's fault, that if Cas is hurt, it's Sam's fault because he'd told Dean to leave it and if something's happened to Cas, Dean isn't going to come back from this.
"I don't know," Sam admits, which makes Dean panic even more because what the fuck did that mean? "Just get here as quick as possible okay?"
Sam hangs up but it doesn't matter because Dean is pulling into the car park of the motel, just narrowly missing a lamppost. He jumps out of the car as quickly as possible and slams open the motel room to see Sam pacing back and forth, the colt in his hand.
Dean looks around preparing to see a broken angel but it's just him and Sam, no angel in sight.
"What the fuck is going on?" Dean shouts.
"First of all, calm down Dean," Sam grits out, pulling at Dean and forces him to sit on the bed.
"Calm down? You just called me telling me to get here as soon as possible and then you said you didn't know whether Cas is okay so no, I'm not going to fucking calm down," Dean grunts, both of his legs tapping impatiently, waiting for Sam to explain, to tell him that his worries about Cas are pointless because Cas is fine, he has to be fine.
Sam stares at him and sighs, starting to explain, his voice tight, "I went out to the library to look at some lore about Lucifer and I came back and the safe was broken, more like ripped apart and the colt was gone."
"Wait, what?" Dean frowns, staring at the colt in Sam's hand pointedly, trying to put the pieces together but failing.
"And I was just about to call you when Cas turned up, tossed the colt to me and said that it didn't work and then he just disappeared," Sam frowns, looking down at the colt in his hand, "And then I called you because I still don't really get what just happened."
"You don't-" Dean starts, feeling his hands begin to shake, "You don't think he got into a fight with Lucifer do you?"
Sam's gaze snaps up to meet his, his eyes wide, "I don't know what to think Dean."
Dean stands up, squeezes Sam's forearms forcefully, "Was he hurt? Did he look like he was hurt?!"
Sam shakes his head, "He was only here for a second but I don't think- I didn't see any blood."
"You don't think or you don't know?" Dean demands.
"There wasn't any blood Dean!" Sam shouts, shrugging out of Dean's hold, narrowing his eyes at him, "Jesus Dean, calm down."
"How can I calm down when Cas may or may not have had a run in with Lucifer and may or may not be dying on some sidewalk somewhere and not coming to us because we've treated him like shit?!" Dean shouts.
Sam sighs, squeezes Dean's shoulder before dropping it, "I'm sure he's fine Dean."
"You don't know that though do you?" Dean grits out.
"No I don't, but you don't know that he's hurt either," Sam counters, "We don't know anything and we can't just assume things. If Cas was hurt I'm sure he would have come to us, however angry he was with us, he would have come to us, I'm sure of it."
"But if he didn't have a run in with Lucifer, then why would he have ripped open the safe to get the colt and then told you it didn't work?" Dean asks quietly, falling back onto the bed tiredly.
"I don't know but I'm sure there's an explanation okay?" Sam says comfortingly, "He'll be fine Dean, he's probably just busy with searching for God and he found out along the way that the colt doesn't work, something like that."
Dean nods, although he doesn't believe Sam and he doesn't even think Sam believes himself either. There's no explanation to this other than Cas fighting against Lucifer and using the colt against him and it not working. But then, if that had happened, shouldn't Cas be dead? Cas is falling and he'd gotten worn out just pulling Dean from a dream, so how the hell could he run into Lucifer, try and shoot the guy and survive? Unless he hadn't survived and he's dying somewhere and no, Dean is not going to think like that, can't think like that.
"Hey, where are you going?" Sam asks as Dean starts to leave the motel.
"I'm going to call Cas," Dean murmurs. Sam just nods understandingly and puts the colt under his pillow, not like they have any use of it now anyway. A small part of Dean's brain is trying to tell him to focus on the fact that if the colt doesn't work they're back to square one again and that they have no way of defeating Lucifer but the rest of his brain is just chanting 'Cas Cas Cas' and shuts it down. He doesn't care about Lucifer at the moment; he'll worry about that once he knows Cas is okay.
He walks to the back of the motel, next to the trash but hey, here there's no one around to watch him as he pours his heart out down the phone and begs his stupid angel to get his ass down here so he can kiss the fuck out of him.
He dials Cas' number, the ringing seeming to go on forever, making Dean's chest tighten because what if Cas can't answer because he's hurt?
"You've reached the voicemail of 'I don't understand why do you want me to say my name?'"
Dean sighs, letting his head fall to the brick wall as the message plays out, not knowing what to do or say but he gulps down the nervous vomit and says softly, his voice showing how much of a mess he is right now, "Hey Cas- Look Sam told me about the whole colt thing and- Cas, I'm just worried about you okay so please just pick up the phone and I know I've been a dick and I deserve for you to ignore me but just, please, answer your damn phone and talk to me, just so I know that you're okay. I need to know that you're okay Cas, please."
Dean saves the message, stays there for a moment, his eyes shut as every possibility of what could have happened to Cas plays out in his mind, how his dream of Cas dying and hating Dean for it could have actually happened in real life because Dean had let Lucifer know how much Cas means to him and fuck. If Lucifer's targeted Castiel it will all be Dean's fault.
And that's when Dean gets an idea.
He marches back to the motel room, Sam raising his eyebrows expectantly but Dean shakes his head and mutters, "Not answering" before closing the flimsy motel curtains, throwing his jacket off and collapsing onto the bed, shutting his eyes tightly.
"Dean, what are you doing?" Sam asks and Dean can hear the underlying 'have you gone insane because of loving a stupid angel that may or may not be in trouble?'
"I'm going to sleep," Dean mutters.
"Why?" Sam asks dubiously.
"Because," Dean grits out, "Lucifer will jump into my skull."
"How is that-" Sam starts, voice high but then he gets it, "Oh. You're going to let him get into your dream so you can ask him about Cas."
"Yep," Dean nods.
"Dean are you- are you sure? Last time you had to have Cas pull you out and he's- he's not here Dean. What if you get stuck?" Sam asks, voice small and tight with worry.
"It's worth a shot Sam," Dean opens his eyes for a moment, his voice not even masking his worry, "This is all we've got and I- I need to know whether he's alright Sam and if this is the only way then so be it."
Sam swallows but nods all the same, "Okay, just- just be careful alright?"
Dean grins widely, his face stretching falsely, "I'm always careful."
Sam frowns, "No you're not."
"Shut up Sam and be supportive, I'm about to have a meet up with Lucifer in my mind here," Dean grumbles, pulling a face at Sam.
Sam smiles thinly, his voice soft, "You really love him don't you?"
Dean rolls his eyes and shuts them, collapsing back onto the bed, "Now's really not the time for this conversation."
"Yeah, okay," Sam says from the other side of the room, "I'll be here waiting for you to wake up okay?"
"Yeah," Dean says and as an afterthought, just in case something goes wrong and he's stuck in his mind for the rest of his life, "And yeah Sammy, I really love him."
Sam doesn't reply but he doesn't really have to, Dean can practically feel his grin from the other side of the motel room, with his eyes shut no less. Dean wants to tell him to shut up even though he's not even saying anything but he doesn't. He focuses on the task at hand instead because he needs to fall asleep so he can get to Lucifer and see whether his stupid fucking angel has gotten himself hurt.
It doesn't take long for his mind start to drift, having only about two hours sleep in four days kind of takes it out of you and soon his breathing is slowing and he's floating into sleep.
"It didn't work," Dean says as soon as he wakes up, sitting up to see Sam perched on his own bed, staring at Dean which makes Dean feel weird because his little brother has probably been there all night watching him sleep and okay, awkward alert. But no, they have way bigger problems than that right now.
"What do you mean it didn't work?" Sam questions, standing up for no reason whatsoever, probably to give him something to do so he feels a little bit productive.
"He never turned up," Dean says, narrowing his eyes because this all feels wrong. The last time he'd saw Lucifer he'd basically made a promise to Dean that he was going to kill Dean or make him go crazy by invading his dreams constantly and there he'd been, asleep for what felt like half a freaking day and he hadn't heard a peep from him. Combine that with the whole Castiel thing, Dean can feel his stomach churn with uneasiness.
"But that makes no sense," Sam pinches the bridge of his nose as he starts to pace again.
"Did you hear from Cas while I was asleep?" Dean asks, trying not to be hopeful, knowing that it's a long shot.
Sam frowns, "No, but I left it him some messages, texts and voicemails but I don't actually know whether he knows how to answer his voicemails you know."
"Do you think that Cas fought with Lucifer, thought the colt hadn't worked but it actually had?" Dean asks slowly, trying to think of some possible way that all of this would make sense.
Sam seems to consider it for a moment before saying, "No, just as you went to sleep I checked the news, there's been another earthquake, France this time, right at the time that Castiel turned up here with the colt."
"Then I don't understand what the fuck is going on here!" Dean growls.
"Me either," Sam admits, "None of this makes sense."
"If the stupid son of a bitch would just answer his fucking phone and tell us, at least tell us that he's fucking okay," Dean mutters.
"Hey Dean, look at me," Sam coaxes, waiting for Dean to look up at him before adding, "Cas is going to be fine okay?"
Dean nods, feeling tired even though he's just had one of the longest night's sleep he's had for a very long time, "I'm going to back to sleep, try again."
"Yeah, okay, it's worth a shot," Sam smiles tiredly, "I'll call him again while you sleep."
"Yeah, okay," Dean says, shoulders slumping, feeling all but useless. He thinks about how desperate he is, so desperate that he actually wants Lucifer rattling around in his head.
It's been four days and Dean is starting to go insane. They get no messages from Cas, nothing to even say that he's okay, nothing at all. Dean practically spends all four days trying to sleep, willing for Lucifer to just fucking turn up but he never does. There's silence all around and Dean is honest to God losing it. Sam can see it too. He keeps trying to comfort him that they'll get a message from him soon, they just have to be patient, that Cas is okay, that he's probably just busy and he's got his phone on silent or something and he's not hearing their calls. Dean just nods even though it's going in one ear and out the other because he keeps just picturing how Cas had looked in his dream when he'd died, picturing him dead somewhere, all alone.
It's been four days and Dean has stopped caring to even bother to pretend that he's okay. He barely eats, just quick snacks before shutting his eyes and willing himself to sleep again in the hopes that this time Lucifer will be there waiting for him.
He sends another voicemail to Cas when Sam's out of the room and he's pretty sure that he sounds like a pleading girlfriend on it, apologising through the phone but then shouting at him for being a dick and that he needs to fucking get here right now or Dean is going to do something fucking stupid, ending the call by pleading again, saying that he'll fucking do anything if Cas just turns up next to him, alive.
Sam tries to get him out of the house, asks him to pick up groceries or do the laundry and he mainly just refuses, saying that he needs to keep trying to get Lucifer, that he needs to keep doing this just in case it works the next time because it's the only way that Dean feels like he's actually doing something productive.
However, after lying down for two hours after he'd already slept for eight, he figures he's not going to get any more sleep. Grumpily, he takes the bag of dirty clothes and leaves a worried looking Sam to go find the nearest laundry place.
He tries to remember how easy it had been when he hadn't realised that he loves the stupid fucking angel, how he hadn't worried as much but then again, they also didn't have the apocalypse at the time too so he can't exactly blame the whole falling in love thing. But he can blame Cas for not coming to him. He swears that when- when not if- Cas comes back, he's going to get a thump off Dean for being a fucking idiot and worrying him and Sam like this, but most of all for worrying Dean like this.
He doesn't even contemplate the idea that Cas really is dead, doesn't even let that be a real prospect in his mind because he can't handle the idea, can't handle that the last words he'd said to him had been angry words, angry words out of fear, telling Cas he should leave them alone.
No, he's not even thinking about that.
While he's stuffing clothes into the washing machine, he gets a phone call, Dean quickly pulling his phone out on the rare chance that it's Castiel, please let it be Castiel.
His heart sinks when he sees Sam's name but he answers it all the same, "Sam?"
"Dean!" Sam says, his voice pitched higher than normal.
"What? What's happened now?" Dean asks, his shoulders sinking already at the thought of yet more bad news.
"I texted Cas again, pretended that we really were in the shit and that we needed his help. I figured that before then we'd only asked him whether he's okay and that maybe if I pretended we were in danger he might actually show up. It was a spur of the moment thing and I didn't think it would actually work but-" Sam babbles, his words all mixing together.
"Wait, are you saying he showed?" Dean shouts down the phone, hope bubbling at the surface, ignoring the weird looks he gets from the other customers.
"Yeah," Sam says, "He showed up."
"Is he still there?" Dean asks, grabbing the clothes back from the washing machine, stuffing them back in the bag because he needs to see Cas, needs to see that he's okay with his own two eyes.
"No, he left," Sam falters, "I don't- I don't know what's wrong with him Dean."
Dean feels his heart drop, his mouth going dry as he leaves the laundromat, "What do you mean wrong with him?"
"He wasn't-" Sam seems to consider the right words, "He wasn't acting like he normally does. I mean he was okay, not a scratch on him but he was just acting weird Dean, like a ghost of himself you know? He told me that he'd found out about the colt, how it didn't work, by someone he knows, someone of 'good authority' and then when I asked him if he was okay he just left. And- Dean, he looks like a mess, like he hasn't slept in days and I know angels don't need to but he- there's something wrong with him Dean and I don't know what and- What do we do Dean?"
Dean gulps. He doesn't even know what to fucking say because Cas is alive, he's okay, but he's not okay at the same time and why couldn't he have turned up when Dean had been there so he could have seen him, could have made it okay? But how can he make it okay? How can he fix this when he doesn't even know what needs to be fixed?
What the hell is he supposed to do?
