A/N: Oh, my God – I've just found out that Soul Calibur 4 have bonus characters! They're none other than Darth Vader (PS3 version) and Yoda (XBOX 360 version) from bloody Star Wars! To be honest that is such a ridiculous idea as it's just plain weird and I bet someone from the Namco Bandai team (who I think is a Star Wars freak) suggested the idea. After I found out I spent twenty minutes or so ranting about it to my brother. On that note I received a lot of encouragement about the last chapter and all of the guesses were very interesting. I would like to thank those who have reviewed and they are Jamester211, Highwayman Myth, Passerbywanderer, Firestrider, Valkyrie Celes, Link Guru, Razer Athane, Rain Crystal, xvalentinexbladex, The Legend of Soul Emblem and pawprint0110. You guys are the greatest ;-) So anyway here is Chapter 11 of 'A Problem Aired is A Problem Shared' and it features the merciless and cold-hearted character Zasalamel. In SC3 you would all know that Zasalamel wants to find peace in death and would like nothing better to break the cycle of being reincarnated all the time. Well in this chapter he seeks to find both the swords Soul Edge and Soul Calibur and would stand at nothing to accomplish his goal...
Disclaimer: Woo-hoo! Guess who got invited to hang out with Ivy and Rock? Yep, that's right – me!
Ivy: I along with all the other characters belong to this charming Japanese company called Namco.
Rock: The only character AngelEyes87 does own is Jay.
Zasalamel (pops out of nowhere): Do you not realise I do know who the father of Sophitia's children is?
AngelEyes87 (laughs): Why, are you the father then?
Zasalamel (seriously): Do not be so absurd! The father is simply-
AngelEyes87 (interrupts): No, don't say it otherwise EVERYONE will know.
Zasalamel: Very well. (sighs) I'll just have to return fairly soon then. (walks off)
AngelEyes87: So anyway I kidnapped the person who said about having Darth Vader and Yoda in the game and I'll wont be letting him go until Namco pays me a million pounds as a ransom.
Ivy (applauds): Very well done, dear. Just continue to stand your ground and they'll surrender.
Rock: Oh, look who's coming our way now.
Raphael (excited): You all have to hear what my Amy can say now! Tell them Amy.
Amy (to Ivy): You're a hoe!
Raphael: Isn't it just marvellous?! Well I'm off now to have a word with Jay. (walks off with Amy)
Ivy (glares): Trust you to have your PIMP OF A SON to teach Amy proper English!
Rock: Well I've tried sorting Bangoo out but he won't listen to me. (rolls eyes) What else am I supposed to do?
Ivy: Oh, I've got an idea. (smiles evilly) I'll be sure to WHIP Raphael into shape. Ta-ta! (follows Raphael while AngelEyes87 and Rock stares after her)
AngelEyes87 (cringes): God help Raphael...
Rock: Amen to that!
A Problem Aired is A Problem Shared
By AngelEyes87
Chapter 11: The Price of Immortality
"Hi there and a big welcome there to A Problem Aired is A Problem Shared!" Jay exclaimed with excitement whilst smiling cheerfully. "As you all know by now I'm your host Jay and I sure am glad to see YOU guys yet again!"
The audience just stared at Jay in stunned silence, wondering how WAS it possible for him to be on the show once again. In some way, they all were hoping that he would be gone for good now but to no avail Jay still kept on coming back. Everyone actually thought that AngelEyes87 was such a brilliant presenter, even better than Jay however the only person who couldn't understand this was none other but Jay.
"Last week Sophitia admitted to her husband that he weren't the real father of her children, which means that by the end of the series we will find out," he explained. "After the show Sophitia contacted all the men she had slept with while Rothion asked for a divorce and then-"
"Yes, and then Myth beat the shit out of you!" came the smug reply of a young red haired woman. "In fact you REALLY deserved it!"
"No, he did not beat me up," Jay corrected abruptly, clenching both hands into fists. "He done something much worse to me, which I'm not going to explain ever."
"You're nothing but a mouse then," the woman sneered mockingly. She was obviously laughing at Jay in an attempt to piss him off and it was working just fine.
"Bitch!" Jay snarled quietly under his breath. The red-head just glared fiercely at him in response, silently warning him that she would march right up to him and give him a good slapping. Frankly Jay even couldn't care less if she did it or not.
Poor old Jay couldn't even bring himself to explain what happened to him when Myth was released from prison as it was extremely embarrassing. Before he could get away quite easily AngelEyes87 tripped him up, sending him flying to the floor before Carter Nick and finally Myth appeared. The two men had seized him, holding him still while with immense pleasure AngelEyes87 stripped every inch of clothing from his body. Jay couldn't believe what was going on and feebly begged them to stop but they wouldn't take ANY notice. Instead the trio took a naked Jay outside and tied him to a pole and just left him there while they disappeared. Things went downhill indeed as a group of young school children which was accompanied by a strict female teacher headed in his direction. As soon as they set eyes on an indecent Jay the children screamed with horror as they ran away while the teacher approached Jay and gave him such a good telling off. For the first time in his life Jay was very uncomfortable and he wanted the ground to swallow him up whole. Never in his entire life had he felt degraded and there was nothing that he could do.
Luckily his boss managed to spot him, almost driving the car into a wall in a state of sheer shock of seeing a bare arsed Jay. Immediately he was pulled into the car in the fear of someone else seeing them and in case the TV company would be flooded with hate mail and death threats. Much to Jay's surprise his boss wouldn't listen to his story at all and came to a conclusion that some punk kids done that to him to take the piss out of him. Later on that night to make things even worse Jay received a call from Myth, saying that if he ever sent him to prison again then he won't hesitate to sort him out. When he went to bed, Jay had one eye opened just in case Myth broke into his house and do something like shoving a pillow in his face in hopes of suffocating him to death. Even though he hated to admit this, Jay was shit scared of Myth.
'Best not to think about it,' Jay thought to himself, glancing both left and right to check if Myth wasn't standing there. Suddenly his eyes widened as the fact dawned on him that he was paranoid!
"Anyway today's show is about this mysterious man who has mastered the ancient art of reincarnation," Jay announced, his voice laced with interest. "He was once a member of a primeval tribe that protected the spirit sword Soul Calibur and when he tried to take it he got found out and was shunned by the tribe. Ever since then he has lost all joy in living as a result of being reincarnated all the time. Please welcome Zasalamel!"
At that moment there was nothing but silence and Zasalamel didn't appear on stage at all. For the first time Jay didn't know what to do as it didn't look like if he was going to turn up. The audience glared impatiently at him, waiting for something to happen and Jay could only smile sheepishly at them, laughing nervously. He could see the fire in their eyes and it looked as if any minute they would kill him in an instant. 'Where the HELL is Zasalamel NOW?!' Jay thought, breaking out into a cold sweat.
Just then he heard a deep voice from up above. "Wondering where I was?"
Jay looked up and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Zasalamel had a faint blue glow around his body as he slowly descended through the massive hole in the ceiling, just hovering in the air. How the HELL can he do that?! Upon seeing this, everyone in the audience gasped in sheer amazement. Jay just stared dumbfounded at him. Zasalamel was wearing tribal robes that covered the majority of his muscular body and his skin was the colour of dark, rich chocolate. His feet touched the floor with a gentle thud. Jay gulped in fear when he noticed that his left eye was the colour of pure gold – what was the reason behind this? His eyes settled on the scythe that was gripped firmly in his gloved hand. 'Oh, my God! HE'S THE GRIM REAPER!' Jay realised to himself.
"Do not confuse with me with the grim reaper," Zasalamel told him. "Otherwise I shall have to kill you if I have to."
He gaped at him. "What the-?! How did you know what I was thinking just now?!"
"Simple – I can read minds." Zasalamel approached Jay, smiling darkly at him. "I know quite a lot about you Jay. Correct me if I'm wrong but did you not lose a fight to a girl when you thought it was clever to tease her little sister?"
In response Jay's cheeks blushed furiously as what Zasalamel said was nothing but the damn truth. At this the crowd started to laugh at Jay as he looked like if he was going to piss himself, something which he had never done before.
"Are you God?" he demanded suspiciously.
"No, I am YOUR worst nightmare..."
"Ah, well...welcome to the show Zasalamel." At that moment Jay promised himself that he was no longer going to think as he felt as if he was skating on thin ice whilst being in the presence of Zasalamel.
"Humph!" snorted Zasalamel as he sat down on the chair. "What a mediocre show this is."
"Really? Well I haven't noticed," Jay drawled sarcastically, wondering if he could knock Zasalamel out by hitting a shovel over his head. He didn't like the man at all even though he was a guest. "Please explain why you're on the show then."
"I have been cursed for such a long time now and I want to get rid of it once and for all," Zasalamel stated seriously. Up until now Jay realised that his voice didn't sound like it belonged to a black man as it didn't have the bass. Jay bit his lip from laughing out loud. "Due to my being reborn all the time over countless of generations I grew weary of it and my desire of dying became stronger eventually."
"Surely being immortal can't be THAT bad!" Jay remarked, chuckling heartedly. "God, if I was immortal then I'd more than happy."
Upon saying that, Jay slipped into a daydream where he was immortal and that all people worshipping him like a God. He would have his own kingdom, building his very own empire where the people would obey his every command. They will all bow down at his feet as Jay passed them by, chanting "All hail Emperor Jay!" Zasalamel stared at Jay through dark narrow eyes while Jay was just standing on the spot with a goofy grin on his face. But he was soon brought back to reality as Zasalamel burst his bubble.
"Do not delude yourself, you would make a futile Emperor!"
"Damn it," Jay murmured. Why did HE have to go and spoil his daydream?! "So anyway what happened next?"
Zasalamel cleared his throat before continuing with his story. "While spending years in vain and despair, I realised that my only hope was to retrieve Soul Calibur. However when I returned to the place that my tribe was, there was no trace of it and the sword too. Somehow the gods smiled down upon me as I finally discovered Soul Calibur as well as Soul Edge existed still."
"Zasalamel, is it true that you're eliminating EVERYONE who stands in your way without having any second thoughts?"
"But of course." Zasalamel laughed wickedly, freaking out Jay in the process. "Those who seek the sword I lure them to the clock tower so that I can kill them. When I found the remains of Nightmare's armour in the Lost Cathedral I weaved a magical spell over it to breath life into Nightmare once again."
"HA! Siegfried has defeated Nightmare already so put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Jay protested smugly. For a few seconds or so Zasalamel kept quiet, not saying a word and Jay knew that what he said shut him up completely. Sweet victory was his at last!
"Little do you know that Nightmare has returned," he said coolly. "I revived him yet again."
"Shit!" Jay knew that it spelt trouble and that Siegfried was going to have a shock of his life when Nightmare was after him still. Thank God that Jay didn't have some crazy knight stalking him!
"Not only that but I have sent people who have survived Nightmare's massacres in the past to find Siegfried to have their revenge," added Zasalamel.
"God, no wonder everyone hates you!" Jay pointed out, raising an eyebrow at him. "I bet when you invite people to parties all you do is try to KILL THEM!"
"Hmm, I am surprised that you can say intelligent things considering what a SMALL brain you have..."
Jay was THIS close to wiping off the taunting smile that Zasalamel had on his face by giving him such a good slap. No one ever said something like that to Jay and get away with it at the same time! Jay growled, swinging his fist to slug him. Out of quick reflexes Zasalamel caught his punch in mid air, surprising Jay even more in the process. With a cruel grin Zasalamel started to crush Jay's hand until he was yelling like a sissy.
"If you DARE do that again then I will not hesitate to end your life," he warned lowly. "Do you understand?"
Jay whimpered in absolute pain."YEEEAAHHHH!!"
He swiftly released his hand while Jay just stood there clutching his throbbing hand while muttering dark curses underneath his breath. There was no doubt that Zasalamel wanted to take over the world and Jay had to get the hell out of the studio quickly to get some help.
"ARTHUR, COME HERE!" Zasalamel roared.
"What the hell?" Jay said, bewildered.
Immediately a man walked onto the stage, appearing to be dressed in samurai clothes. 'Bloody hell, he looks like Mitsurugi!' thought Jay, blinking. The man really did look look like him but the only difference was that Arthur had blonde hair and an eye patch. Jay wondered what crazy thoughts were going on in the mind of Zasalamel right now! Arthur stood a few inches away from the man who called him. Arthur obviously didn't look too pleased.
"What the bloody hell do you want?" Arthur demanded in an irritated voice. "I was having a good old smoke before YOU called!"
"Quiet, fool!" Zasalamel barked. "I want you to search for Soul Edge and Soul Calibur and bring it back to me so my dream of dying can be fulfilled."
"Oh no, BUDDY! I want Soul Edge for myself so that I can destroy it so no one will go through what I'd suffered. My wife was killed because she kept a shard of the sword so-!"
Arthur was interrupted when he was hoisted off his feet by the collar of his shirt by none other than Zasalamel. "YOU WILL DO AS I COMMAND!" Zasalamel growled, hypnotising Arthur with his eyes while Jay watched on in horror. "NOW BRING ME BOTH SWORDS AND DO NOT FAIL ME AT ALL!"
"Yes, master," Arthur stated as he was in a trance. When Arthur was on the ground again he walked off the stage. Jay cautiously stepped back, hoping that he wouldn't shit his pants because Zasalamel was going WAY too far. Suddenly he wished that he was at home – at least he was safe there!
"Do you not know what happened to my former servant Revenant?" Zasalamel gently asked .
"N-no!" Jay stuttered.
"I killed him because he made such a foolish mistake. He thought it would be hilarious to put make-up on me while I was asleep!"
At that moment Jay didn't know whether to agree with Zasalamel or burst out laughing at him. If he dared snicker then he would be a dead man. Within a few seconds Arthur finally returned on the stage with something hidden behind his back.
"Here you go master. I've brought you Soul Edge and Soul Calibur."
Zasalamel's eye began to twitch violently as Arthur shown him what he had behind his back – it was the Soul Edge game on Playstation and the Soul Calibur game on Dreamcast. From the look on his face Jay knew that Zasalamel was going to explode any minute now. Zasalamel yanked the games from Arthur's hands.
"WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS ALL THE TIME?!" he screamed angrily while hurling the games at a man in the front row, knocking him out.
A flash of light suddenly engulfed his body and soon enough Zasalamel turned into Abyss. Arthur was about to make his escape when Abyss picked him up with his magical powers and slammed him up and down a couple of times before sending him flying through the hole of the ceiling. Zasalamel changed back to normal self soon afterwards, sighing sadly.
"I have failed yet again," Zasalamel said in disbelief. "Damn it!"
"That is all we have got time for now so tune in next week for A Problem Aired is A Problem Shared!" Jay exclaimed, looking at Zasalamel in amazement. "Can you teach me how to do that Zas?!"
A/N: Hehe, looks like Zasalamel has to think of yet another scheme in order for him to finally have his wish! The characters I'll be doing in the next chapter are Seung Han Myong, Edge Master, Olcadan and Heihachi and someone else will be presenting instead of Jay. Oh and Myth, I'm still waiting for your PM – I would love to hear your ideas xD
