A/N: Chapter title from song of the same name by Ella Fitzgerald.
1 New Message from: Dean - I'm sorry. My behavior was unacceptable.
1 New Message from: Dean - I am so sorry. Call me please. We need to talk.
1 New Message from: Dean - Sam said he saw you a couple days ago. Please Cas, Talk to me.
"Hey Cas, It's Dean. I'm just calling to see how things are going. I, uh… look man, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I was out of line and… Just please call me. I'd really like to talk. Alright, Cas, have a good day. Bye."
"Hey, it's Dean. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving. Sam and Gabe said you went back to Pontiac for the holiday but … uh, look, I really miss you, ok? I, uh, I wish you would talk to me. I still want to apologize. Please call me. Happy Thanksgiving. Bye."
"Hi Cas, It's Dean. I'm trying to get some of my Christmas shopping done… um, Gabe didn't know what you wanted for Christmas and I figured this would be as good an opportunity as ever to call, do the traditional holiday groveling for forgiveness and get your Christmas list… Look, I know you're not speaking to me right now but… Look, Cas, I'm still your friend, alright? I'm so sorry about what I said… and did. Just, please call me, ok? Bye."
Cas sighs and deletes the last message. Since the blow-out at the end of the summer, Dean has either called or texted weekly and Cas has yet to respond. It's not that he doesn't want to forgive Dean (Hell, he knows he can take responsibility for a large part of the fight), but he's not sure if their friendship can be salvaged. He feels like there will always be this thing hanging over them: Cas' confused feelings toward Dean, hovering somewhere between romantic affection and friendship, and Dean's pity of Cas and his attachment. Cas feels like an idiot, letting himself get hooked by the first person he slept with after his divorce. He tried to convince himself at first that the ache he felt for Dean was temporary and would wear off, but six months later it still shows no sign of waning.
Cas shakes his head goes to grab his thick down coat off the hook by the door. He's meeting Gabriel for coffee and will no doubt receive an unasked-for Dean update in the process.
Cas feels the worst for Sam and Gabe, who have become miserable bystanders to all of this. Every time he sees them, they will look at Castiel sadly, mentioning Dean in passing. It took a few weeks, but Cas doesn't even flinch at the mention of his name any more.
As he picks up his phone to put it in his pocket, it abruptly comes to life with the intro to "Thunderstruck." Castiel's stomach drops and he swallows hard, staring at Dean's name on the screen. He musters as much resolve as he can and swipes the phone to answer.
"Hello," he says.
"Cas?" Dean's voice is rough and familiar.
"Yes, Dean," Cas says, dropping down onto a nearby stool next to the breakfast bar.
"Wow, finally got a hold of you," Dean laughs gently. "Long time no see." Castiel closes his eyes and shakes his head.
"What do you want, Dean?" He asks flatly.
"I, um.. I'm just calling to see how you are doing," Dean stammers. "I haven't talked to you in for-"
"Dean," Cas groans, rubbing at his temples.
"Look, I've called about a dozen times-"
"Yes, I know," Cas answers.
"-And I want to apologize," Dean continues. "I… I was a jackass… am a jackass and I… I just need to say sorry." Castiel doesn't answer for a moment, just shakes his head simply.
"Thank you," he says quietly. "Goodbye Dean," he goes to hang up the phone.
"Wait! Wait! Cas! Don't hang up! Don't hang up!" Dean yells through the earpiece. Castiel holds the phone back up to his ear.
"What is it, Dean?" He asks with exasperation.
"I, um… I was wondering what your plans are for New Year's Eve?" Dean asks after a moment's hesitation. Cas bites at his lip; he'd been expecting this.
"Don't do this," he mutters.
"Look, I pinky-swore last year that we'd do something cool and I know you don't want to go to Sam and Gabe's party." Dean wasn't wrong on that aspect; Castiel had been dreading the event for weeks and he knew that Gabriel's coffee invite was mostly a chance to convince him to go.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Cas says, "but… Dean, consider yourself free of your obligation. We don't need to do this."
"But I want to," Cas can hear Dean trying to mask the whine in his voice, "Cas-"
"It's alright," he says, flopping onto the couch. "You don't need to apologize again. I am just as much at fault as you are. We screwed up, and we have to live with that mistake." Castiel swears he hears a small whimper on the other and but shakes his head, sure that he's imagining things.
"What are you saying, Cas?" Dean asks hesitantly.
"You were right, ok?" Cas lets his head fall back against the back of the couch. "Alphas and omegas can't be friends. Sex ruins everything. You're right." His words come out thick and final. There is silence on the other line, but he can still hear Dean breathing heavily.
"You think it ruined everything?" Dean asks softly. Cas thinks about it for a second.
"Yeah, I do," he answers, and he means it. He was so happy to have Dean as a friend: someone he could call randomly, someone who would call him on his bullshit and push him out of his comfort zone. Now, he can't be in the same room with Dean without his biological instinct rearing it's ugly head.
"I was wrong," Dean states flatly. "I said that when I was fucking 21! How can you think-?!"
"Because it's true Dean!" Cas hisses. "We can't fight a biological imperative!" There is a long pause and Castiel takes a deep breath.
"Ok, Cas," Dean says glumly. "If that's how you feel, I guess I'll get out of your hair."
"Goodbye, Dean," Cas says and hangs up the phone before Dean even has a chance to respond. He rises from the couch, dropping his phone into his jacket pocket as he crosses the apartment and quickly exits, slamming the door behind him.
Gabe watches Castiel carefully as he sips his drink.
"You ok there, Chief?" Gabe asks. Castiel just looks up at Gabe, face emotionless.
"I'm fine," he says. "Why do you ask?" Gabe frowns absently and shakes his head.
"Nothing, nothing," he mumbles. "It's just in the seven years I've known you, I don't think I've ever seen you drink your coffee black." Castiel glances down at his cup. Sure enough, unaltered coffee stares back up at him. He must've been too distracted by his earlier conversation with Dean to remember to add anything to it.
"I'm fine, Gabe," Cas says, lying through his teeth. Gabe just stares at him doubtfully, taking a huge swig of his own whipped cream-adorned concoction. "So how is planning for the party going?" It's a topic he wanted to avoid, but it does distract away from his other issues. Gabe tips his head from side to side as he thinks.
"Going well, I suppose," he says. "Sam is handling the majority of the party aspects. I'm taking care of the food." Gabe gives him a serious look. "You are coming, right?"
"Gabe, you know how I hate parties," Castiel groans. "Especially New Year's Eve parties."
"Yeah, yeah," Gabe says, waving his hand in the air. "But you should come. What else are you going to do? Lie around your apartment and watch the ball drop in the wrong timezone?" Castiel rolls his eyes; why does Gabe have to make it sound so pathetic.
"You know he's not coming, right?" Gabe asks quietly, stirring a huge puff of whipped cream into his latte. Cas looks at him seriously.
"Who? Dean?" He doesn't have to ask; he already knows who Gabe is talking about.
"Yeah, Sam talked to him yesterday," Gabe answers. "Says he can't come because of some work thing. It's bullshit, but…" he trails off. Cas knows what he is going to say.
"You think it's because of me," he states. Gabe exhales through his nose harshly and glares at Cas.
"Of course it's because of you, you nitwit," he hisses. "Castiel, me and Sam have been exceedingly patient with you two while you deal with your man-pain, but I am at my limit!" Castiel sits up straight, surprised by Gabriel's sudden outburst.
"You and Dean had a falling out, I get it," Gabe sighs heavily, "but you two need to start behaving like adults."
"It's not that simple," Castiel says.
"Well, make it that simple," Gabe argues. "You guys slept together. Big deal. Do you know how fucked I'd be if I cut every person I'd ever banged out of my life?" Castiel can't control a soft snort of laughter at that; Gabriel would probably only have Cas, if that were the case.
"But you need to understand something," he continues. "Me and Sam? We're a forever kind of thing. Which makes you and Dean essentially family, and that means there's going to be a lot more holidays and parties and get-togethers and I am not going to have every party I throw end with a yelling match and a slap fight!" He punctuates his sentence by slamming his hands against the table, sending several heads turning in their direction. Castiel looks away embarrassed.
"I don't mean to be harsh," Gabe says quietly, "but I am your friend, and I hate seeing you like this. Just do me a favor: be the bigger man and talk to him for fuck's sake!" Cas scrubs a hand over his face and shakes his head.
"He called actually," Castiel mumbles, causing Gabe's head to perk up, "today. Right before I left to meet you."
"And you spoke to him?"
"Yeah."
"That's great," Gabe says. "Wait, you're not smiling? What am I missing here?"
"He still wants to be friends, but…" Cas growls in frustration, "I said no. I said we can't." Gabriel's expression falls and he drags his hands over his face.
"Jesus Christ, Castiel!" He groans.
"This isn't your life!" Castiel snarls, finally having enough. "So what if a couple of your parties are ruined? Do you know how… how much pain I'm in? There has been an, an… aching hole in my chest for six months and there is nothing I can do about it." Gabriel's face softens as he listens.
"What about bond blockers?" He offers quietly.
"We're not mates!" He exclaims. "How am I supposed to block a bond that isn't there?"
"How do you know it's not there?" Gabe asks, looking back at Castiel sincerely. Castiel tries to answer but stops, not sure what to say.
"Because…" he begins, "because if it were, he'd feel this too." Castiel shakes his head and rises from the table, leaving his cooling coffee where it sits.
"I need to get some air," he says, throwing on his coat. "I'll give you a call later, alright?" As he turns to walk out, Gabriel calls after him.
"I'm putting you down as 'confirmed' for New Year's." Castiel stops without turning around, closing his eyes in defeat.
"Gabriel," he warns.
"I'm just saying," Gabe offers. "You're already down as attending, you might as well come." Cas turns and looks at his friend, who is concentrating on his drink.
"It'll be good for you," Gabe mutters. "Get out of the house, a couple hours of distraction, spend some time with your friends." He looks up at Cas, "just think about it, ok?" Castiel sighs in resignation and nods. He turns and heads out the door, zipping up his coat as he walks into the frigid winter air.
"... And welcome back to New Year's Rockin' Eve. I'm your host Ryan Seacrest…"
Dean slumps down into his couch as the TV blares in the background. His whole apartment smells warm and inviting, thanks to the cran-apple pie currently cooling on the stovetop. He's happy to avoid the crowds and the cold this year, choosing instead to watch the ball drop and enjoy the fruit of his efforts.
A part of him wants to run up to the roof of his building with a 6-pack, but he quickly pushes the idea away, as well as the painful twinge he feels at the memory of last year.
Cas had made it very final. He had got what he wanted from Dean (which apparently hadn't been good enough for a second go-around) and then cut him loose. Dean knows he should feel angry about this. He should be furious with Cas for using him, but he just can't. A part of him, a large part, won't allow himself to stay angry as Castiel, no matter how much he's been hurt by him.
Dean sighs and grabs his laptop from where it sits next to him on the couch. He opens it, perching it precariously on his thighs, lazily browsing the internet. He scrolls down his facebook feed when he spots a familiar shot of Sam and Gabe's apartment.
"New Year's Eve is in full swing at Chez Milton-Winchester," the caption reads. There are a few shots of the food and decorations. Dean recognizes a few of the guests scattered throughout the photographs, but stops when he sees one familiar, tousled head. Gabriel hasn't bothered to tag the photo, but Dean doesn't need it to know exactly who it is.
Castiel is ladling himself a cup of what looks like punch. He is smartly dressed, in a tailored vest and dark grey button-down shirt. He looks good, very good, and the sight depresses and infuriates Dean at the same time. He hastily shuts his laptop and stands from the couch, grabbing the remote to flick the TV off. He is beginning to feel claustrophobic in this place and needs to get out for a bit, get some fresh air.
He hastily dresses in a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt and throws on his old leather jacket. He slips out of his apartment and locks the door behind him before rushing down the stairs and into to cold of the evening.
"Hey, Cas! You came!" Same greets cheerily as he opens the door. He envelops him in a giant bear hug and takes his trench coat from him.
"Gabe didn't think you would make it," Sam says as an aside.
"Well, I did," Cas replies. He glances around the room. He's a bit early, but there is already a good-sized crowd milling about. He sees Gabriel across the room, animatedly talking with a small group of people who abruptly burst out in laughter over some joke he told. He spots Cas and raises his drink in greeting.
"Make yourself at home," Sam offers. "We have hors d'oeuvres on the table near the kitchen, and the bar is by the window. Oh, and you need to try Gabe's punch! It's some sort of special mixture he came up with for tonight." Castiel smiles and nods as Sam goes to put his coat away.
Castiel crosses the room toward the punch bowl. He dips the ladle into the concoction a couple of times before scooping up a glass.
"Smile!" He hears Gabriel call out. There is a click followed by a flash. Castiel frowns, knowing he's going to end up on Facebook in a few minutes. He takes a sip of the punch, wincing at the excruciating sweetness that is Gabriel's M.O. He scans the room, looking for a familiar face among the crowd. He sees Meg and Benny, curled up around each other, and crosses the room to talk to them.
Dean walks leisurely down the street, in spite of the biting cold. He forgoes the Impala, knowing that traffic and parking are going to be ridiculous tonight. The bitter wind whips around him and he pulls his jacket tighter. He shoves his hand in his pockets, hoping his gloves from last year would still be in there, but his hand wraps around something soft and knitted. He pulls out a dark beanie; Dean recognizes it as the one Cas made him for Christmas last year.
He tugs it down over his ears and continues down toward the "L" platform. As he ascends the stairs, he considers where he actually wants to go. The bars on Division will be overcrowded if they are not already at capacity. He doesn't feel like dealing with knothead, fratboy alphas in Wrigleyville. He thinks for a moment about calling Aaron, but he remembers how sullen he looked when Dean told him that "they could still be friends."
With a roar, the trains careens into the station. The doors open and Dean steps inside, instantly relaxing in the warmth of the car. The train moves forward and Dean shifts with it as it speeds along the track in the dark.
The truth is, Dean knows where he wants to be: with Cas, at midnight, kissing him like his life depends on it. He knows that despite everything that happened, he still cares about Cas as a friend. He misses their friendship more than anything, but he doesn't think he'd give up their night together to get that back. Being with Cas, touching him and falling asleep with his knot still locked inside of him… it was the best moment of Dean's year. Hell, the best moment of the last five years!
Dean looks up to see a young couple, no older than 22, pressed up against each other, leaning against the train door. They kiss gently and Dean can't help the soft whine rising up from deep within him.
He wants that with someone… no, he wants that with Cas. He wants their friendship, but he wants that as well. He wants to be touched and kissed and loved…
"Holy shit," Dean mutters is shock. He's in love with Cas. He is in love with Castiel Novak. Something inside of Dean snaps and he rushes off the train at the next stop, running through the station to find the red line.
A horde of waiters begin dispensing glasses of champagne as midnight approaches. Castiel stands alone against the wall. Meg and Benny disappeared an hour previously, no doubt to have sex in one of Sam and Gabe's spare rooms.
He can see Sam's head sticking out above the crowd, Gabriel no doubt attached to his hip. A waiter offers up a tray, and Castiel carefully extracts a champagne flute from the group. In a second, he tips back his head and drains the glass.
He hates New Year's Eve.
All at once, the large room seems too crowded, the air too stuffy, Castiel's suit too restricting. He spots the patio balcony on the other side of the space and immediately crosses the room to get to it, snagging two more glasses of champagne off another waiter.
He steps out onto the balcony, assaulted by the smell of smoke and ozone. Castiel quickly chugs both glasses; frowning at the taste and remembering that he doesn't actually like champagne. He leans over the rail, gripping it tightly. The icy metal rail numbs his fingers and Castiel relishes in the pain of it, anything to distract away from the constant pain Dean left.
He lifts his head and looks out over the horizon, the city skyline lit up beautifully and casting a purple haze into the clear winter sky. He lets go of the rail and rubs his hands together, trying to regain feeling in his fingertips. He glances through the pane glass window, grimacing at the strained smiles of the faces in the crowd.
Castiel looks at his watch and checks the time. 11:58. He knows if he leaves, Sam and Gabe will give him hell about not staying until the New Year, but Castiel doesn't think he can handle this much forced cheer right now.
He slips back through the door, warmth rushing over him. Gabriel is standing on a table, belting out "Let It Go" at the top of his lungs; at least he and Sam are both distracted enough so that they won't see Cas go.
He maneuvers through the crowd, but just as he gets to the entry way he stops dead in his tracks.
There stands Dean, looking the same as he's always looked: leather jacket, worn jeans, untucked flannel shirt and a beanie (the one Cas made him, he notes) pulled down over his ears. Cas swallows hard, wondering if the uncertain look in Dean's eyes mirrors his own.
"What are you doing here?" He asks. Dean looks up at him, eyes warm and sincere. Cas tries to scent the air, but the overwhelming smells of the party drown everything else out.
"I came looking for you," Dean finally answers. Castiel can admit to himself that hearing Dean's voice in-person causes something inside of him to uncurl and relax.
"What do you want, Dean?" He says stiffly.
"I'm here because I love you… I want to tell you I love you," Dean stammers out. Castiel didn't realize how badly he'd wanted to hear those words until that very moment, but he can't allow himself to get caught up again. Not after last time…
"Dean," Castiel starts, "you can't just do this." He tries to move past him, but Dean grips his arm.
"Do what?" He asks. Castiel turns to face him in exasperation.
"Look, I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're lonely, but you can't… You can't just come here and say that kind of stuff and expect everything to be ok." Castiel pulls his arm from Dean's grip and tries to move forward, but Dean blocks his path.
"I love you, Cas," Dean says seriously. His green eyes are bright and shining and the cold from outside has brought flush to his cheeks that Castiel just wants to kiss away.
"That's not how it works," Cas mutters.
"How does it work?" Dean asks, his voice rising to compensate for the sound of the crowd that has began counting down to the new year.
"I don't know," Cas says, shaking his head. He doesn't know; he's never known. Voices shout in unison, counting backwards from 10.
"How about this?" Dean asks. "I love that you are incapable of ordering off the menu…"
9, 8...
"I love that you enjoy putting together that shit from IKEA because you see it as a puzzle..."
7, 6…
"I love that you have the most twisted theories on Star Wars I have ever heard, and you will defend them to the death…" Castiel feels tears pricking at his eyes. He clenches his fists, forcing himself to keep his resolve from waivering.
5, 4…
"I love that at the end of the day, I can still smell your scent on my clothes and it is… amazing. Best thing on Earth, in fact. I love that you are the first person I want to speak to in the morning and the last when I go to bed at night." Dean takes a step forward as he shouts over the rising noise of the crowd.
3, 2, 1…
"And it's not because I'm lonely," Dean yells over the cheers of "Happy New Year". "It's because when you realize you're in love with someone, you want to spend the rest of your life with them and you want 'the rest of your life' to start right that second!" Castiel feels a single tear drop down his cheek. He and Dean stand like statues amidst the energy of the crowd.
"Why do you do this?!" Castiel demands, hands flying out in frustration. "Why? You come out here and say this… wonderful shit and what? You just expect me to fall into your arms and say I love you too?" Dean looks at Castiel carefully before giving a small shrug and a hesitant nod. Castiel laughs breathlessly
"You asshole." There's no fight in Castiel's voice and the only thing he can do is reach out, pull Dean into a fierce kiss. The moment their mouths meet, it's like a dam breaks within Castiel. Every moment of need and longing he's felt over the past half-year comes pouring out as he kisses Dean. Castiel feels lightheaded with the scent and taste of Dean surrounding him. He growls softly into his mouth, eliciting a desperate whine to rise from within Dean. Castiel pulls back, nuzzling against Dean's neck, inhaling the spicy-sweet scent that has haunted him for months.
"Love you so much," he murmurs, desperate to get the words out, to let Dean know the feeling is mutual.
"Cas," Dean whimpers, stretching his neck out further, baring it for Cas. He plants a string of soft kisses up the tender skin and over his jawline.
"We should probably go," Castiel mutters, summoning as much rationale as possible. "Otherwise I might mate you in the middle of this room." He feels, rather than hears, a soft laugh rumble in Dean's throat. Dean's hand wraps around his as he takes a step back.
"Let's get your coat, alpha," and, good lord, Dean might never know exactly what that does to Cas. They walk down the hallway, looking for the room where Sam stowed the coats.
"Happy New Year," Sam murmurs, leaning down to kiss Gabriel.
"Happy New Year as well, Samsquatch," Gabe replies sweetly. They clink glasses and Sam quickly drains his champagne. He scans the room, grinning brightly as their friends welcome in the new year.
Sam's gaze lands on Castiel pulling his older brother in for a passionate kiss. He smiles to himself and nudges his mate.
"Gabe, look," he says, gesturing in their direction with a champagne flute. Gabe stands on his tip toes, looking above the crowd to catch sight of Cas and Dean wrapped around each other.
"About damn time," he sighs, smiling up at Sam. "You definitely owe me $20 this time."
"Yeah, yeah," Sam groans warmly. They watch Dean and Cas separate and move toward the hallway. "Do you think they're going to get Cas' coat or to have sex?" Gabe tilts his head as he considers the question.
"I'm kinda thinking both," Gabe replies.
"Yeah, probably," Sam agrees. A waiter passes by and Sam picks two more champagne glasses up off the tray, handing one off to Gabe.
"Cheers," Sam says, clinking their glasses once more.
"To true love," Gabe responds.
