A/N: Thanks to vausesandspanishharlem for this idea. I loved it and I hope you guys like it too. Let me know what you think! I always love hearing your thoughts and letter suggestions are always welcome. Thanks for the reviews on J. :)
K is for kids
"I hate kids. You know, they don't drink. They haven't travelled."
"You really don't want kids?" Lorna asked, stood at the window for visitation. Her palms were pressed to the glass as she watched all those mothers with their children. The women in this place were never happier than when their children were with them, a fact that hadn't gone unnoticed by Lorna.
She loved watching the way their faces lit up as cries of "mama!" rang through the room. She wanted that more than anything; a picture perfect life with her perfect kids...sleepless nights and countless diapers never even came into the equation. Neither did money - her future family might be money poor, she reasoned, but they would never be short on love.
Lorna gave a deep sigh. "I can't think of anything I want more."
There was a pause, just a small one, before Nicky shook her head. Her eyes were glued to the visitation room too, and Lorna watched her eyes as she watched a strained hug between a teenage girl and her mother.
Where Lorna saw sloppy kisses from toddlers and big birthday parties for five year olds who still looked at their mom like she hung the moon and the stars, Nicky saw thirteen year olds who had just realized their parents weren't perfect. She saw those kids following in their parents footsteps, heard the screams of 'I hate you' ringing in her mind.
Nicky turned away from the window as they called time on visitation. "No," she said, meeting Lorna's eye. 'I don't."
XXX
"You're...pregnant?" Nicky stammered. "No. No, you're wrong. What the fuck? How?"
Lorna giggled, tucking a strand of brunette hair behind her ear. Her red lips stretched into a grin. "The usual way, Nicky!"
"No, I know, but...why am I even arguing with you?" Nicky shook her head. "You're imagining things again, Lorn. If we weren't in a riot I'd be calling Vinny to tell him you're losing it."
Lorna rolled her eyes, nonplussed. Instead of defending herself, she grabbed Nicky's hands. Not even the assured way she squeezed Nicky's fingers convinced the blonde that she was genuine.
"I wish we could call him!" she said excitedly. "He's always wanted kids - that's the reason I chose him," she said, as if he was the pick of the litter. "What about you?" Lorna pushed on.
"What about me?" Nicky repeated. "My womb is still vacant, yeah. Or have your delusions crossed over to believing in the immaculate conception?"
Lorna ignored her slight, too delighted to be upset with Nicky's snarky comments. "I meant, do you want to be a Godmother? I know the baby would just love you!'
Nicky raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I will be Godmother to your imaginary child."
"Yay!" Lorna said, her eyes lighting up with happiness. "Do you wanna see the tests? I stole around fifteen from the pharmacy.."
The indulgent smile slipped from Nicky's features. "...the tests?"
"Mhm," Lorna said distractedly, whilst she fished one of the tests from her uniform pocket. She set it down on the table in front of her. "Here! Two lines means pregnant, right?"
Nicky picked up the test, squinting at it. Upon seeing the little cross in the window, she dropped it like it was burning her. "Shit!" Nicky said, her mouth opening in a little o and her eyes widening. "You are pregnant!"
XXX
"I feel like a whale," Lorna complained. She cradled her stomach, holding herself under her bump to try and relieve some pressure. She arched her back, closing her eyes, and groaned. "Vinny was like nine pounds at birth. I don't know how this one is gonna come out, I honestly don't." She winced at another swift kick to the ribs.
Nicky stared at Lorna, taking in the changing shape of her body under the shapeless khakis. There was a time that Nicky knew every part of Lorna, every single part, but now it was foreign territory. Nicky swallowed, pushing down the hurt.
"Get him taken out of the sunroof," Nicky said flippantly. "Otherwise it never goes back to normal," Nicky warned. "I should know. Marka was always saying how I ruined her."
Lorna peeked an eye open. "You think so?" she asked anxiously. She lifted up her shirt as the baby started kicking.
"Mhm," Nicky said. She stared at Lorna's stomach and couldn't help but smile as the baby kept kicking. She could see the outlines of tiny hands and feet and elbows. Her lips tugged upwards. "Look," she said softly. "He agrees too."
"Do you want to feel him kicking?" Lorna asked eagerly. Nicky had avoided really mentioning the baby much. When she did, Lorna always pushed for more. She loved Nicky, she wanted her to be involved. She felt safe with her - Nicky would always protect her. She had proved that.
Nicky looked up uncertainly.
"Come here," Lorna persisted. She gently took Nicky's hands and placed them over her bump. "Do you feel that?" Lorna asked, her heart bursting with pride. "He's saying hello to his Auntie Nicky."
Nicky rested her cheek against Lorna's bump. "Hi," Nicky said, feeling a little self conscious but dancing her fingers along the bump anyway. "I can't wait to meet you."
XXX
Lorna sat at one of the cold metal tables, her sobs echoing through the whole room. Nicky could recognize her weeping anywhere, and immediately joined her. She brushed Lorna's hair back, trying to get a good look at her to gauge what was wrong.
"What is it?" Nicky asked, her brow furrowing. She wrapped an arm around Lorna, ignoring the glare she received from the CO, and pulled her close. "Did they play Marley and Me again? You know, you can just ask them to turn it off...they only watch it because they think it's funny when you lose your shit over the dog dying."
Lorna sobbed harder.
"I'm sorry," Nicky said quickly, wincing at mentioning another sore spot. "But it wasn't exactly a spoiler. Now what's up? Everything's been going so well lately."
"Vinny," Lorna cried. "He told me he can't do it. That he's sick of pretending, but he doesn't feel like he can do it. Raise our baby with me. He wants a divorce, Nicky! A divorce!"
A divorce. The words echoed in Nicky's head, and she was ashamed to admit that the first feeling she had was elation. Not that Lorna would be left alone or that the baby would grow up without a father - that was, without a doubt, shitty, and she wouldn't wish it on anyone - but the fact that she had Lorna to herself.
"I'm sorry, Lorna," Nicky said finally. She planted a kiss on Lorna's forehead, her mind faraway. "I'm really sorry."
"I'm gonna be alone," Lorna sobbed. "I can't raise this baby on my own. That wasn't the plan. I'm not good enough. They call me Lorna la Loca, ya know...how does this baby have a chance with me? And me alone?"
"You won't be alone," Nicky murmured. "I'll help you raise him. I promise, Lorn...Vinny's a loser. He doesn't know what he's about to be missing. You and this baby could have given him the world."
"You don't have to do that," Lorna sniffed. She shook her head. "You never wanted kids. It's not fair. You've spent years cleaning up my messes. I don't wanna burden you."
It wasn't entirely true. Lorna desperately wanted to accept Nicky's offer, but getting her hopes up and then having them dashed if Nicky didn't come through would crush her.
"Lorna, I want to. When I'm here, you're not alone."
XXX
"They're letting me out."
"What?"
"They're letting me out," Lorna repeated. "Somethin' about a charity for moms and babies...they're letting me out."
"In time to give birth," Nicky said slowly, processing the news. She chewed the mouthful of food she'd bitten before Lorna had delivered her news, and then looked to the brunette for confirmation.
Lorna nodded. "Mhm."
"Do you have somewhere to stay?"
"With Franny," Lorna said. "She says I can stay as long as I need, but you know...she's got her own life. Her own kids. There's barely room for a mosquito."
"It's okay," Nicky said finally. "When I get out, I'll come for you. You and the baby," she said, pushing her food around the plastic tray. "I promise."
XXX
"This is perfect!" Lorna cried, the tears welling in her eyes. She span around, admiring all the tiny touches. It had taken a week since Nicky got out for her to organize one of the rooms in the apartment Marka had set up for her to be turned into a nursery. Lorna had been expecting a moses basket and a chest of drawers. When she'd walked into the room, she couldn't hold back the gasp. "I can't believe you did this for me."
A lavish crib sat in one corner, white and blue, with an intricate sea themed mobile hanging over it. A matching rocking chair sat in the other. The carpet under Lorna's toes was so thick that it bounced under her feet. She had never been in such a beautiful place, and she couldn't believe her son's name was painted on the wall. This was home now.
"I didn't," Nicky said. "I did it for us. That's what we are now, isn't it?" she asked, anxiety creeping into her tone. She still had the same old insecurities, but the way Lorna smiled made them die back a bit.
"A family," Lorna said, looking down at the baby sleeping in her arms. "I think he'd like to try out his new bed," she whispered, still unable to take in how gorgeous the room was. She couldn't even guess the price it must have cost.
"Put him in it then," Nicky smiled.
Lorna hesitated, and for a moment, Nicky's heart skipped a beat. She thought she was gonna change her mind and turn away. Walk out the door with the baby she had grown to love too. "Why don't you put him in it?"
She held him out in outstretched arms.
"Oh, I don't know…" Nicky said, wringing her hands. "I've never even held a baby before."
Lorna laughed, her arms remaining outstretched. "He seems a good place to start."
Nicky gently took him from her, clumsily cradling him in the crook of her elbow. "He's so tiny," she whispered. "I'm so glad he's still so little," she said. Her sentence had ended not long after Lorna's, and she was pleased to be able to help with the nightmarish newborn days. "I'll do whatever I can for you, little man."
Lorna wiped the tears away. It had been an emotional day, and seeing that for all intents and purposes her baby had another parent, even if not a biological one, made her well up even more. She knew he would be so loved here.
"I know you will, Nicky," Lorna said softly. Nicky beamed up at her, and very carefully placed him down in the crib. "You know," she said. "He's never gonna remember life without you."
"Good," Nicky said. "Because I'm never gonna leave him. Or you," Nicky said.
Leaning over the crib, Lorna looked up at Nicky. "So," she whispered, trying not to wake the baby. A wide grin stretched over her face. "You really didn't want kids, hmm? What about now?"
Nicky raised her eyebrows. Her finger was being held by the baby as she stared down at him. "Mm," she said, unable to help the smile that appeared as he softly snored in his sleep. "Well...maybe just the one more."
