EPOV
Bella was being too quiet. While we packed up our things at the Forks house. During the long drive to Denali. And ever since we had arrived here ten days ago. She didn't seem angry, and not exactly worried. She was a little sad, but that wasn't exactly it either.
And therein lay the problem. She was just being too quiet. And I couldn't figure out why.
I'm sure part of it was leaving Forks, which meant leaving behind her whole life. Aside from Jacob Black and the rest of the pack, the whole town believed that quiet Forks High School student Isabella Swan had been killed in a tragic bear attack at the too-young age of eighteen. Most heartbreakingly, Bella knew her father had to endure the pain of her funeral. This was clearly enough to bring about Bella's quietude.
Part of it was also the threat that Victoria posed. It seemed that a showdown with her was more a matter of when than if. There was no reason for her to believe the story about Bella's death, since she herself was the source of the bear attack rumors. And Bella's recollections about her conversation with Laurent revealed that Victoria was unaware that we had left Forks for a time. Certainly Victoria would ultimately figure out that Bella was with us. It was just a matter of how long it would take her to track us to Alaska.
Bella also seemed to withdraw into herself a bit when her bloodlust finally broke through her otherwise controlled demeanor during the car ride to Denali. We had stopped in southern Alaska to allow Bella to hunt, and I hadn't been careful enough in scouting the area beforehand. Following the scent of some moose, Bella had picked up the scent of humans ice fishing almost a mile away. Instinctually, she dropped the animal scent for the more enticing human scent and was within a hundred yards of the pond when Jasper and I tackled her to the ground. We were immediately impressed at how quickly she was able to snap out of her bloodlust upon realizing what had happened. She didn't struggle in the least as we both kept a grip on her as we fled the area. Bella, of course, was mortified at her actions, and focused on the fact that she had lost control in the first place. No matter how much we all tried, we couldn't get her to see that she was doing so much better at adhering to our vegetarian diet than she should be able to at this point.
I also feared that part of her silence might stem from her regret. The only awkward moment between us had been when we had first arrived at the Denali house and Alice had shown Bella to her own room. A momentary flash of...something...flitted across Bella's face before she graciously accepted. Beyond that, everything seemed normal. Normal except that we had not spoken once about what happened between us in the woods the day before we left Forks. Nor had it happened again. If I really allowed my mind to go to its darkest places, I could get angry at myself for taking her like that. I worried that I had preyed on her vulnerability and her fear of abandonment. I fretted over my obvious lack of gentlemanliness in that moment. I wished that we had been married first. But that was only when I allowed myself to wallow.
Most of the time, however, I didn't allow myself to wallow. Because Bella was here. And we were together. And the horror of our separation was over. And I just couldn't bring myself to regret the fundamental sense of completion being with Bella that way made me feel. Regretting making love to Bella would have been like regretting that my head was attached to my body. I had never felt more whole, more alive, more loved, more full of humanity, than I did when we were together.
But I was worried that maybe she regretted it. I just couldn't figure out how to bring it up.
Bella had a lot on her mind. I completely got it. But not knowing exactly what it was was killing me. I just wanted her to be happy, but I didn't know what she needed or how I could help.
Jasper's anxiety wasn't helping me feel any better about it either. I thought Bella was quiet. Jasper feared Bella was a ticking time bomb. He just could not fathom how a newborn of less than three weeks' age could have the kind of control and discipline - emotional and otherwise - that Bella seemed to possess. He was driving Bella a little crazy always hovering around her; he tried to seem casual about it, but failed spectacularly. He was also driving Alice crazy about it, constantly pestering her about what Bella was going to do next. But Bella either wasn't making any decisions or was constantly changing them, because Alice just couldn't get a good read. Even Bella's mind was too quiet, apparently.
Things changed on a Tuesday.
Jasper, Emmett, and I had taken Bella hunting and had been gone for the better part of two days. Emmett had been dying to get his metaphorical fangs into a polar bear - he was showing off for Bella, whose rare smile seemed to indicate she loved every minute of it - and that meant we had to go further afield from the house than we might have otherwise.
Freshly sated with blood, Bella wanted to spend some time when we returned home getting her first fighting lesson. I hated the idea. But this seemed a perfect opportunity for me to either demonstrate that I would continue to think of her as someone that needed to be taken care of, or as someone who was capable of taking care of herself. Against nearly every instinct, I chose the latter and agreed that we would begin her lessons. Both of my brothers cheered me silently. This learning and growing thing wasn't very easy sometimes. But I was trying. I hoped Bella could tell.
The problem began when we returned home. Jasper was talking to Bella about strategy when I heard her mind from somewhere inside our house - Tanya was here. Waiting. For me.
Jasper and Bella looked at me with confusion as I made a lame excuse and said I'd be right back. I hadn't seen Tanya since I had fled to Denali right after I had encountered Bella for the first time. She had made her emotions and desires clear to me then, again, as she always did. And, as I always did, I had politely rebuffed her advances. Tanya wasn't a bad person, really, just very persistent and incredibly self assured. She wasn't used to being refused, and was absolutely convinced that one day I would come to my senses. I could already hear in the tenor of her thoughts that she was livid that I had been in Denali for ten days without letting her know of my return. She had been as worried about me as my family during my months-long self-imposed exile.
I wanted to make sure she was going to behave herself now that Bella was a member of my family.
It didn't take me long to track her to my bedroom.
It took me no time at all to realize she wasn't going to behave herself.
She had convinced herself that my return to Denali could only mean one thing: I had come to my senses.
I found her sitting in a trench coat cinched around her narrow waist on the couch in my room.
"I knew you'd come home to me, Edward," she cooed as I walked in the door.
"Tanya-"
"I can't tell you how happy it makes me for you to be here. For us to finally have a chance." She stood and slowly moved towards me.
"Tanya, I need you to please listen." As she stalked towards me, I retreated back towards the door.
"Just a chance, Edward. That's all I'm talking about," she said seductively as she reached down and untied the belt to her trench coat, revealing that she was completely naked underneath.
"Tanya-"
My attempt to explain to her was cut off when she threw herself at me and crushed her lips against mine. The force of the impact of her body sent us flying up against the wall several feet to the left of the door. She was moaning into my mouth and pressing herself against me and running her fingers threw my hair.
I grabbed her wrists and tried to gently push her back. She resisted and I was forced to use greater strength. I hated that she was making me be less than polite in handling this situation. I finally shoved her off me and spun her around, pinning her wrists against the wall on either side of head. She grinned at me wickedly.
"Tanya, you need to get this straight right now...."
This time, my words were interrupted not by Tanya, but by the sound of a gasp coming from the open door to my room.
"Bella!" I called, but she was already gone. I glanced back at Tanya with a scowl, taking in the scene as Bella must have. Me, pressing a half-naked woman up against a wall of my bedroom. There was no way Bella wouldn't assume the worst. "Leave. Now," I spat at Tanya as I took off after Bella.
I flew through the house and out into the yard. Emmett and Jasper were gone as well, and I immediately began searching for their minds.
"Edward? Edward! What the hell happened? She took off like a bat out of hell, man, and she's too damned fast." Emmett was completely confused but pursuing her to the best of his abilities.
Jasper's mental voice was there too. "Christ, Edward, I knew this was going to happen. Get your ass out here. She's heading towards the Susitna River and if she crosses it she's going to come out too damned close to the Denali Highway."
I was already in a full-out sprint before Emmett had called my name the second time. I adjusted my bearing in response to Jasper's directions. I had to stop her before she got to that highway. There was no way she wouldn't encounter traffic. People. God damn it.
BPOV
I used to only be able to worry about one thing at a time. But the thing about my newly expanded mind was that I now had the room and the capability of worrying about multiple things at the same time. At times it was all-consuming.
The reality of actually being a vampire was still hard to wrap my mind around. The Cullens', and especially Edward's, presence in my life again was like a dream come true - one I was half convinced I was on the verge of waking from at any moment. My grief over leaving Charlie and .Jake was there, too. I didn't want to give voice to it because I didn't want Edward to immediately jump to the conclusion that I regretted being changed. I didn't. I just regretted that people had to be hurt in the process. I wished I could be what I am and still have them in my life. But that would have been unrealistic.
Mostly, I didn't know what this new life was supposed to mean for me. What my...purpose?...was now. I didn't think I was being too dramatic here. I was only eighteen; it's not like I had some grand purpose before being changed. But at least I knew who I was and where I fit. I was a student. I was a daughter. I was a friend. Now, I wasn't sure where I fit, or rather, how. I didn't fully understand what my place in the Cullen family dynamic was. I was Bella McCarty. But I didn't really know who she was.
And I especially didn't know what Edward and I were, if we were anything. We hadn't spoken about that day in the forest, and Edward hadn't given me any indication of whether he wanted it to happen again. We had our own private spaces within the house and he rarely came to see me in my room, preferring to interact with me more in the public spaces of the house. In fairness, I didn't go to see him in his room, either. But I had been the one to initiate what happened back in Forks, and I wanted him to initiate if it was going to happen again. I wanted to make sure it was what he wanted, too. And so far, he had kept his distance.
And every day that passed without even a hint of that physical intimacy between us pushed me in the direction of assuming the worst: He doesn't want me the way I want him. In my worst moments, I even feared that he had been with me out of pity or guilt. Though, to be honest, if he would never have me again, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to regret being with him. It was too perfect. It felt too right. I would gladly take it and cherish it forever if it was all I would ever have from him. So, all I did was play the details of that afternoon over and over again in my now perfect mind.
I was glad when the boys wanted to take me on a hunting trip. I wanted to get out of the house and, hopefully, out of my head. Being around Emmett always seemed to help me do that because he just always seemed to be in the moment and loving life, and I needed a heavy dose of that. Admittedly, I felt better than I had in days joking around with the boys on the way home from the hunt. Emmett was so full of himself for demonstrating his bear-hunting prowess that he was in rare form, and he kept the three of us laughing the whole way home. I think that's what gave me the courage to bring up my fighting lessons. Remarkably, Edward agreed without the litany of concerns I expected him to raise. I loved him a little bit more at that moment.
Jasper had just begun telling me about his background when we arrived at the house. I was stunned to learn that this whole other world of vampires existed and lived so very differently from the lifestyle of the Cullens. I was amazed to learn of his extensive military experience and awed and more than a little horrified to learn how he had received his scars. He told me all of this so that I would understand where his lessons to me were coming from. All of a sudden I didn't resent all the hovering he had been doing during the last two weeks. Jasper had good reason to expect me to be out of control. I gained a lot of newfound respect for Jasper as he spoke.
In the middle of Jasper's retelling of his story, Edward abruptly offered his apologies and fled into the house. I didn't think anything about it at first because I was so enthralled with Jasper's words. But after fifteen minutes, Edward still hadn't returned. And I began to worry that maybe he couldn't handle the idea of teaching me to fight. I wasn't going to back down on learning, but I was willing to talk to him to see if there might be a way of going about it that would make him more comfortable. So I left Emmett and Jasper to a playful wrestling match while I went in search of Edward.
My senses detected sounds and smells that I didn't fully comprehend, but I didn't pay enough attention. And by the time my eyes made sense of those sounds and smells, I comprehended too much.
Edward was holding an exquisitely beautiful woman up against the wall. She was stunning in every way, and every part of her perfection was available to evaluate underneath the open trench. Her warm blond hair hung in soft curls down over her shoulders. Edward's shirt was wrinkled and askew and his hair was all over the place as if her hands had been in it. I easily recalled the last time I saw Edward's hair look, well, like that. I couldn't help the gasp that escaped my throat when I walked in and saw them. She was his perfect match in every way.
All I knew was that I had to get away from them. I didn't want to see the apology in Edward's eyes or hear his effort to explain her or see the family's pity. Why didn't any of them tell me?
I was feeling a little like a caged lion in that moment. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me.
By the time I flew out the front door, Jasper and Emmett were little more than a blur. I didn't know where I was going. My three hunting trips had not well acquainted me with the surrounding territory yet. And while I knew that quite a few acres belonged to the Cullens, some part of my brain was trying to get me to be concerned about the possible presence of humans. But all of that seemed secondary to my primary survival instinct at the moment - get away from them.
I slowed as I encountered a wide river. Large chunks of ice floated lazily and craggy rocks jutted up here and there. I realized I could hear traffic in the distance. I came to a stop and tried to just...think. I could hear Emmett's and Jasper's pursuit and it was making me feel pressured to know what to do.
I groaned in frustration and stalked the edge of the river, kicking and pulverizing rocks as I went.
"Stop, Emmett," Jasper ordered. "Bella?"
I didn't bother to glance at them. They knew I could hear them.
"Hey Sis, what hap-?"
Jasper cut off Emmett with a hiss.
"What?" he retorted.
I turned to glare at Jasper. He was looking at me like I was fragile, like I needed to be handled.
"God damnit, Jasper! Can you read my emotions right now?" I need to get this freaking under control, if so.
He nodded, sheepishly. Great. Just great. I rolled my eyes and huffed and stomped my foot down on another rock that turned to dust beneath me. Destruction could be therapeutic.
Just then a third presence made itself known as it approached at lightning speed. My body was too attuned to his to not know it was Edward. I turned back towards the river, considering.
"Bella, please don't. The highway...," Jasper cautioned.
I sighed in defeat.
"Oh, Bella, thank God," Edward called as he came to the riverbank.
"What do you want, Edward?" I responded tightly. I was trying with all my might to restrain myself. I didn't want him to see my hurt or anger or feelings of betrayal. I didn't want him to see the evidence of how I loved him when it so obviously wasn't reciprocated.
"Bella, you've got it all wrong. Please!"
"Edward, you need to tread carefully," Jasper interjected.
Oh, for God's sake, that means Edward can hear me too. I looked at him, now knowing he already heard everything I had wanted to keep from him. I knew my eyes were pleading. It's fine, Edward. Really. I get it. Just, please. I need to be alone.
"Bella, just listen."
God, why do I feel like we keep having this same conversation over and over?
"Because you're not listening to me, Bella!" The anger in Edward's voice first stunned me, and then set off my own anger.
"Are you freaking kidding me, Edward?" I stalked towards him. I didn't miss Jasper's and Emmett's movement towards us. "I have done nothing but listen to you these past weeks. You explained leaving me. I listened. You explained how I was misunderstanding you. I listened. You told me you wanted me. I listened. But in all that listening, I never heard you tell me about her!" I saw Jasper and Emmett exchange confused glances. "I'm pretty sure I would have remembered you telling me about the beautiful blond vampire from Alaska. The one who apparently knows you well enough that she shows up in your in your room unannounced with no clothes on. Hmm...let me think for a minute," I feigned taking a moment to think. "Nope. I certainly never heard anything about her."
"Bella-" All three of them called out my name at the same time.
"Figures," I spat. Why would Jasper and Emmett stick up for me?
"Sis, you need to listen to Edward this time. You do have it wrong. I swear." Emmett's words stopped my pacing and rock destruction.
I looked to Jasper, and he nodded reassuringly.
I whimpered in frustration. "Talk. Fast," I directed at Edward.
"She's one of the Denali vampires. She's had a crush on me forever. I've turned her down a hundred times. I've turned her down every time. She just doesn't take 'no' for an answer. And she does...stuff...like that every once in a while. She threw herself at me, obviously, and I was trying to explain to her...."
He hesitated. "What, Edward? Huh? 'Cause that didn't look like explaining in there."
"I was trying to explain to her that I was utterly in love with you and that there could never be another for me."
I was stunned, momentarily frozen in place as my brain first tried to process the words and then attempted to make myself believe them.
Jasper and Emmett were muttering words supportive of Edward's explanation. I wanted to believe them, really I did. But I was so afraid to let myself believe. I really wanted to talk to....
Just then Alice and Rosalie burst through the tree line behind the boys. They marched directly past Jasper and Emmett and, a few seconds later, Edward, too. Rosalie smacked Edward on the back of the head as she passed him, and he growled in response.
"Don't you growl at me, Edward Cullen. You couldn't freakin' warn her?" Rosalie continued to stalk up to me, and I was frankly a little intimidated. "Bella, here's the deal. Tanya Denali is one of my closest friends. But she's entirely infatuated with Eddie here and never misses an opportunity to make a pass at him. Edward has resisted her advances for as long as I've known him. I'm telling you all this because this is partly my fault. Alice, Esme, and I went over there to visit while you four were hunting, and as soon as I let it slip that Edward was back, she took off to the house before we even realized it. I've made it clear that her behavior will not be tolerated -by any of us. I don't think she'll cause anymore misunderstandings like this again." Alice took my hand and nodded.
I realized I was biting my bottom lip hard as I listened to Rosalie's explanation. I was flooded with conflicting emotions: relief at her confirmation of his story; fear that there was now no reason to disbelieve Edward's feelings; embarrassment for doubting him; and anger at the blond vampire who was encroaching on my territory. What an odd way to think of Edward. But I couldn't help it. I noticed Edward stand a little taller.
"Um, thank you, Rose," I muttered, "Do you all think...could I please talk to Edward...alone?"
They agreed and left as a group. The sound of the river rolling behind us filled the air for a moment.
Edward stalked straight up to me and roughly grabbed my face in his hands. "What can I say, Bella? What can I do to make you believe me? Tell me. Please! I'll do anything!"
His desperation was startling. "I...I'm sorry, Edward."
"No, Bella. I don't want your apology. I accept it, but I don't want it. It's unnecessary. Rose was right. I should have warned you. But Tanya was simply the furthest thing from my mind. It just didn't occur to me, because all I have been thinking about, all I can think about...is you."
"Why haven't you-?" I began to blurt out before censoring myself.
"What Bella? Please. I can't hear your mind anymore. You must tell me what you need."
His face was so close to mine that it was hard to think. But this wasn't going to get better if I kept it bottled up inside me.
"Please, Bella," he whispered.
"Wanted...me?" I said so low that only a vampire could have heard it.
"Oh my God, Bella."
His words could have meant so many different things. I tried to pull free of him but he wouldn't let me. And then his lips crashed into mine. I was whimpering against him, struggling to push free. I didn't want this to be a pity kiss.
He finally let me pull away a little. His hands slipped down to my shoulders. He shook me gently to emphasize each word: "I. Want. You. I want you every minute of every day. What we...did...God, Bella, it was the most amazing experience of my life."
"But, then, why?" I finally met his eyes. They reinforced the sincerity of his voice.
"I was afraid you regretted it. I was afraid I had taken advantage of you when you were so upset. I couldn't tell what you thought, what you wanted. And I didn't want to...complicate things further."
I thought for a moment. "God, Edward. Do you realize how messed up we are? I had nearly the same concerns."
"I could never regret being with you, Bella. Never."
"Me neither. You know, it seems like things get most complicated when we don't say what we're feeling, Edward. I'm as responsible as you are. We'll never have a chance if we don't get better at talking."
He nodded. "Please tell me that you believe that I love you, Bella. That I want you to be mine." I nodded. "No. That's not good enough, Bella. I want to hear you say it."
I searched his eyes. I could see it there. "You...love me."
He nodded. "And?"
"You...you want...me."
"I do. And you love me and want me too."
"I do," I said fervently.
In that moment, I was so filled with relief and hope that I threw myself at Edward again, and I caught him off balance. He fell backwards onto the riverbank with me on top of him as we kissed and moaned and whispered words of love and affection and devotion.
After a moment, I pulled back. His expression was filled with lust and not a little amusement. "It's still hard to get used to your strength," he mused.
"I rather like it," I quipped.
"Me too. I'm not complaining." He seemed to think for a bit as he gently stroked his long fingers across my cheekbone. "Bella?"
"Yes, Edward?"
"I don't want to hurt you anymore. And I don't want any more misunderstandings or miscommunications to come between us. Would you...would you go on a date with me?"
I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me at such a, well, normal suggestion. "A date?"
"Yes. A date. You know. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl to spend some time with him so they can get to know one another. A date."
I rolled my eyes at him. "I know what a date is, Edward. It's just...aren't we...."
"What? A little beyond a date?" I nodded as I bit my bottom lip. "I don't think so. I could never know you well enough, nor spend enough time with you, nor put enough time into making this, with you, work."
I smiled. "I would love to go on a date with you, Edward." I was rewarded with one of his crooked smiles this time, and a soft chaste kiss.
We headed back to the house, the awkwardness of the last ten days now gone. The oversexed blonde was gone when we returned, for which I was eternally grateful - I wasn't that in control of my emotions.
I knew for sure that all was well between us when Edward asked if I would like to come listen to music in his room that night. For a while, as we sat there, it was possible to imagine nothing had ever come between us. I hoped and prayed that nothing ever would again.
