LeBeau sniggered. "Ha ha! Serves her right. Who in their right mind could portray Klink as a dashing hero?!"

"She must really be in love with him then," Carter mused.

"Though I can´t imagine why," Newkirk quipped. "Who could ever fall in love with that pompous old fool? Especially when there are good looking lads like me around, too?"

Kinch prodded him in the ribs. "Oh yeah, Mr. Irresistible. Well, Colonel, what's next? We´re about through with those trials, aren´t we?"

"Yes. I long for a bit of action!" LeBeau chimed in.

Hogan chuckled. "Don´t worry, you´ll get your action. I'd say it´s time to put our real plan in action. Let´s continue with Klink and his mail."


The trial was over and everything was back to normal: the ladies were safely locked away in the cooler, and the prisoners sauntered around in the compound, heatedly discussing not only the ladies´ defence strategies, but their looks as well. After all, this is an all male prison camp.

Hogan quickly crossed the compound to discuss the afternoon mail with the Kommandant.

But what was that? Half a dozen guards were busy carrying loads of planks to the office, and under Schultz´s supervision they nailed them over the windows!

Hogan quickened his step. "Hey Schultz, what´s going on?"

Schultz turned around. "Colonel Hogan, I am worried. The Kommandant told me to block all the windows and doors, and to barricade the office and put an extensive minefield around it. Do you..." He gulped. "Are perhaps the Allied armies going to liberate the camp today?"

Hogan smiled. "Now how would I know such a thing, Schultz? But let me talk to the Kommandant, and I´ll see what I can find out."

He didn´t wait for Schultz´s approval: in a few steps Hogan was inside. He grabbed the afternoon mail from Helga´s deserted desk, knocked on the door of the inner office and entered once more without waiting for acknowledgement.

He wouldn´t have gotten one anyway: the office was empty.

So Hogan tried Klink´s private quarters: the living-room, the bedroom, the guest quarters, the kitchen...: "Kommandant Klink!"

Nothing. Everything was quiet except for the hammering outside the window.

"Kommandant Klink? Where are you?" Hogan looked around the living-room once again. Under the table, under the divan... "Kommandant Klink!"

Finally: a muffled sound in reply.

"Kommandant, where are you?"

"I'm not telling you!" he heard faintly from the left.

A wicked smile crept onto Hogan´s face. "Oh, I see: we´re playing hide and seek, are we? Nice idea, I love that game! Did you know I used to be the neighbourhood champion in that? Let´s see if I still got the old touch."

"No, I just want you to go away and leave me alone," Klink whined.

It was enough for Hogan to determine where the sound came from, and in two steps he was at the bathroom door and pulled it open.

But it was locked.

"Colonel Klink, why have you locked yourself into the bathroom?"

"Go away," Klink cried. "I don´t want to see anybody. And least of all you."

"Kommandant, why are you turning your office into a fortress?"

Klink moaned. "Because of that woman. I don´t want her to get anywhere near me. After all she´s had me go through in her stories, imagine what she´d do to me for real...!"

Hogan couldn´t help a chuckle. "You heard her: she wants to marry you."

"Over my dead body!" Klink announced with sudden fierceness. "Frau Linkmeyer is a an angel compared to her! I think I'd rather volunteer for the Russian front!"

"Shall I call General Burkhalter then, to tell him to ask for his sister´s hand in your name?"

"No! That´s not what I meant!" A touch of horror crept right back into Klink´s vehement voice.

"So what are you going to do then? Hide in your private Fort Knox for a week?"

"Why a week?" Klink inquired suspiciously through the door.

"You told me yourself that Hochstetter was going to pick them up in a week´s time."

The lock turned, and Klink carefully peeped out. "Major Hochstetter? What has he got to do with it? Don´t you think I have enough problems already?"

"More than enough, I'm sure. But whether you like it or not, Hochstetter is part of this particular problem."

"How come?"

"Because the Seifert woman is his prisoner."

"What?!" In his consternation Klink finally pulled the door open. But then something seemed to dawn upon him: "You mean she is one of his social security prisoners?!"

"Exactly. See, I knew you could figure it out!"

But Klink merely groaned. "Why did he have to bring that woman to my camp!?! Of all the places imaginable..."

Hogan shrugged. "Regard it as a vote of confidence if you like."

"Confidence?! Ha! Major Hochstetter wouldn´t trust me from here to the gate! I don´t understand why though – I´ve always been very cooperative with him." He frowned. "Hogan, if that was one of the major´s social security prisoners, then what was she doing out in the compound? They were supposed to stay in the cooler!"

"Oh, we had a bone to pick with them, too. I have no idea where Hochstetter has picked them up, but when we heard from Schultz who was in the cooler, we decided we´d deal with them here and now."

"Them?"

"Yes. All four of them. They´re colleagues of your dear Miss Seifert´s."

"She is not ´my dear Miss Seifert´," Klink retorted. "And I would appreciate it if you would leave prisoners of the Third Reich where I put them."

Hogan´s face split in two by a mock innocent grin. "Oh, but now that we´ve convicted the lot of them, they´re our prisoners, too! Doesn´t that feel even safer, Kommandant?"

"No." Klink started pacing around the darkening room. "By the way, Colonel Hogan, what are you doing here? I gave strict orders not to be disturbed."

"I picked up the mail for you."

Klink snatched it from his hand. "Danke. Dismissed, Hogan."

"But sir, I was hoping... There´s such a beautiful stamp on that first envelope. Could I get it, please? For my nephew; he´s an avid stamp collector. And you can imagine how hard it is to get hold of real Nazi stamps in the US."

Klink raised an eyebrow, but then he gave up. "Oh, allright then." He ripped open the envelope and pulled out a typed sheet. "A Clean Camp Is a Happy Camp," he read out loud as he thrusted the envelope in Hogan´s direction. "Dismissed, Colonel Hogan; this is none of your business. And don´t come bothering me again until I send for you."

"Yes sir, no sir." Hogan gave a sloppy salute and turned to leave.

"Hogan, wait."

"And you told me to leave?"

"I know, but this does concern you."

"It does? Oh, of course: a clean camp is a happy camp. I couldn´t agree more. Speaking of which, I must complain about the..."

"Never mind that. I want this camp scrubbed clean from top to bottom by next Wednesday. And I mean clean. You better get your men started."

"Why; what did we do?" Hogan asked in angry indignation.

Klink looked up from his letter. "Nothing. I just want this camp sparkling by next Wednesday."

Hogan pulled the letter out of Klink´s hands. "Let me see that. Oh, never mind, I can´t read that blasted gibberish anyway." He thrusted it right back into Klink´s hands. "So what does it say? I'm sure you derived this sudden bout of housekeeping from that letter."

"I did indeed." Klink looked smug. "In order to prove to the Red Cross inspectors that our prisoner of war camps are not lacking in hygiene as has been repeatedly suggested in certain Allied reports, Reichsmarschalk Goering has organized a contest. For the cleanest POW-camp in Germany. And I intend to win that contest of course," he added modestly.

"Over the sweat off our backs," Hogan retorted.

"Yes. Exactly. So I want the compound swept clean and the barbed wire sparkling, the delousing station shining, all the barracks turned inside out, every window washed, every..."

"Kommandant, that´s inhuman! Cleaning is a woman´s job; I protest!"

"Oh, you do, do you now? Well, your protest has been noted. And rejected. I intend to win that contest anyway, so you better get started."

"Fine. But I promise you: we'll never make it before Wednesday. You´ll need a couple of professional charwomen to manage such a job." He snapped his fingers. "Of course! The ladies in the cooler!"

Klink gave him a suspicious look. "What about those ladies in the cooler?"

Hogan sighed with exasperation. "They´re women, Kommandant. They´re expert cleaners; it´s in their genes."

"Ah. Yes, of course." Klink´s head bobbed up and down in agreement. "But I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan, I cannot let them out of the cooler. Not even for something as important as this. I can´t risk having them roaming about the camp."

"Why not? What are you afraid of? No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13, right?"

Klink smiled, as always happy with flattery. "That is true, yes."

"And being a ladies´ man myself, I can guarantee that they´ll be trouble – big trouble – if you just leave them in the cooler for a whole week with nothing to occupy their hands with."

Klink stopped pacing and looked up. "They will?"

"Absolutely." Hogan sounded very convincing. Even to his own ears. "Believe me, Kommandant: a woman needs to be kept busy. Otherwise they´re up to all kinds of mischief. Like digging tunnels."

Klink shuddered.

"Or writing us – you as well as us prisoners – into mental and physical wrecks. Is that how you´d like to face Hochstetter next week?"

"No!" Klink stated emphatically. "So what do I do? We can´t let them escape; my record would be ruined!"

"Can´t have that," Hogan smiled broadly. "So we'll simply have to keep them busy: sweeping the compound, washing the windows, polishing the barbed wire..."

Klink´s lip trembled. "That Seifert woman, too?"

"Of course! Or would you rather have her stay in the cooler, with nothing better to do than to make up some nice new people to torture you?"

Klink closed his eyes in terror. "No..."

Hogan stifled a chuckle. "Don´t you worry, Kommandant," he reassured Klink. "You just stay right here in Fort Knox, and I´ll take care of the ladies. Keep them busy, I mean," he added quickly as he saw Klink frown. "With cleaning and other household duties. Your camp will be sparkling by next Wednesday; I promise!"

"It better be," Klink sighed, only to continue in a near panic: "But what do I do when she sneaks away and comes over here anyway?"

And Hogan, who had already turned to go, advised him blithely: "You can always pile up the furniture in front of the door."