Chapter XI: Memory
*As promised, here is the next chapter. You all know you missed me. XD*
"…And then they accepted us into their family, and we've been here ever since," Alice finished, grinning widely.
"Not that you gave us a choice," Edward teased.
Alice let out a beautiful, high-pitched giggle. "What would you do without me?"
Edward shook his head, smiling crookedly.
Alice returned the smile and bowed her head silently, reflecting upon her own words. I watched as her forehead crinkled and she absently played with a lock of hair, lost in thought. Her emotions were as varied as the colors in a box of crayons, and she felt them so deeply. It hurt me intensely to see her like this: her effervescent self succumbing to feelings of sadness, frustration, and confusion. The end of her story was the one bright spot to perforate the veil of fear and ambiguity she was smothered in before we began our travels together.
Peter and Charlotte were trying to find the proper words. As was the case with Esme's story, Alice's story was so emotionally charged that it was difficult to proceed. "Alice?" Peter prodded gently. She did not acknowledge him. I brushed my hand against her cheek, and she looked up at me, poking a small, yet loving smile in my direction. I gestured toward Peter, and Alice turned her attention to him.
"I'm sorry. What did you say?" she asked.
"I… ah… well…" he stumbled.
"What would you like to know?" Her words invited him in, but her tone was expressionless. I had hoped that, after this much time, she would have healed from her experiences a bit. However, it was still painful for her to recount her past. A big part of me did not want to allow him to question her for the fear that it would cause my angel pain. I realized, though, that I was probably being too overprotective.
Peter tried again. "You don't have to answer this, but," he paused briefly, gathering courage, "when you awoke and found yourself, what was that like?"
"Scary… confusing..." she stated, almost in a daze. "I knew three things: I was sitting by something I thought was called a river, I was lost, and I was thirsty. I remember sitting on the riverbank in my torn, filthy, white gown, doodling absently in the sand. I somehow remembered how to read, and I found that I had written the name 'Alice'. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it."
Everyone listened as Alice poured her story out for all to hear. She had moved into my lap, and I wrapped my arms around her as comfort.
"Then, scenes started to play in my head. It started with Jasper's face, and I somehow knew that I was meant to be with this beautiful stranger. I did not know anything about my life, but I knew that I was supposed to dedicate it to finding him." She smiled warmly, and then kissed my hand. I responded by hugging her closer to me.
"The scenes developed, and I saw more of what was to come. I saw where I would meet Jasper, but the when was uncertain. There were too many variables to predict with certainty. But I did find him, eventually."
"So, how bad was it?" Charlotte questioned.
"You mean, what could I remember? I found out later that I was still capable of knowing what things were, for the most part, though sometimes it took me a little longer to recall the words. I was still capable of speaking and doing simple activities of daily living. I was able to do a bit of reading and writing, though my skills re-developed with practice. I taught myself what I knew I had to in order to find Jasper. And when I found him, he helped me.
"But it was frustrating. I hated myself for not remembering. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was too stupid to make everything stick in my head. Every time I struggled to perform multiplication facts or read a five-letter word, it hurt immensely. I felt that my blond stranger would never love me in the way that I had hoped because I wouldn't be smart enough for his liking. I didn't understand what I had done to get the way I was, and I didn't understand how to fix myself. I felt like a huge part of me was missing."
Alice began to sob. I knew that no words were capable of consoling her when she was feeling this way. She turned around so her face was against my chest, and I held her close to me. She never allowed me to use my gift to calm her; she wished to be able to experience the complex emotions she felt. She had told me many times to simply let her hurt. I respected her wish, as much as it tore me apart to do so. All I could do was hold her as she fell apart. She snuggled into my torso, and I kissed her head gently as she wept.
Everyone remained silent and watched our embrace. The room was overwhelmed with emotion. The love between Alice and I was much different than the love between any of the other couples, simply because I understood. I knew exactly what she was feeling, how the past boiled inside of her. I understood her struggle to keep a happy façade, and I could relate to her in a way that no one could. I knew the words I would say to her, but I knew in my heart that all she needed was to be loved by someone who had experienced the harshness of the world to the degree that she had.
When she finally had no more sobs to give, her eyes met mine. Where tears should have been, I thought I saw adoration welling up in her eyes. She gushed love and gratitude. I pushed it back toward her, and she smiled widely. She turned back around to face the others, who had not yet stopped staring.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "Sometimes even I struggle with the past."
I wanted to tell her again that there was nothing to apologize for. I wanted to tell her that crying is a natural reaction to the hell she had endured. But I knew that was not what needed to be said.
"Alice, it's okay. You've suffered much pain in your life, and sometimes it needs to be let out," Peter cooed.
"It sounds like that was long overdue," Charlotte added.
"Not really," Alice stated. "I almost feel that this happens too often. I break down, and my Jasper is always there to put me back together again."
This time I could not remain silent. "Alice, I…" I began to speak, but I was not sure how to form the words. She smiled knowingly, and poked the love at me again to say that she understood. She knew that 'as often as she needed to' and 'too often' were not synonymous. She knew that I felt that it was my duty to be there for her through every trial and every hardship. I did not have to explain when I was around her; Edward often said that it was as if we had his gift, but it only worked between each other.
"Alice, I am willing to bet that you are stronger than you know," Peter said. I heard in his voice that he was both perplexed and captivated by the silent exchange between Alice and me, but he decided to further the conversation.
"Why?"
"You have so much life in you. The fact that you have such a vivacious personality despite everything shows your resilience."
She giggled sheepishly. "I've just been very lucky."
"And very modest," I added, provoking another spate of giggles.
"I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel depressed by my past situation, and sometimes I break down. But… what I don't have, I don't think much about. I don't have memories of my human life, and though that sometimes hurts, it would be unfair to dwell on that. I have to try to put that behind me and focus on what I have now, which has given me tons of memories to look fondly upon."
One statement that she had made stuck with me. What I don't have, I don't think much about. I wondered if that could apply to me. Since I didn't have a peaceful introduction into vampirism, did that mean that I could simply refuse to think about it? I didn't know. I thought about that, oblivious to the next few lines of dialogue that were spoken. I wondered if it was possible to shun the past.
"I have to ask about the visions, Alice," Charlotte said. "When you first started seeing things in your head, did you know what they were? Did they confuse you at all?"
Alice thought for a moment. "Yes and no. When I started having them, I somehow knew that they represented things that would be. However, what I didn't understand at first is that they'd change every time something external changed, or when someone changed his or her mind. That's why," she said, suddenly raising her voice in mock accusation, "it took so long to finally meet up with Jasper in the diner, and to find the Cullens every time they tried to figure out where to move next."
"Well, we didn't exactly know that we had a little psychic and her guardian following us," Edward teased.
"More like stalking, really," Emmett clarified, "but if we would've known, we would have tried our best to help them find us, them being complete strangers bent on joining our family and all."
Everyone burst out laughing. "Well, Mr. Hulk, I do believe you'd better watch it, or I'll fix every bet you make with Jasper from now on," Alice threatened playfully.
It was clear that Alice was one of the most valuable members of the family. Her visions had saved our family countless times. And, even more importantly, her love for life and for the family had boosted our spirits and drawn us closer together.
