I wake up happy, which is a first with the memory hijacking Snow is doing to me.
I don't know what memory he implanted or changed, or erased, just like I never do. But today I don't care as much. He's still stealing who I am by doing something to my mind, but at least this time it's not painful.
He repeats a few of the questions from earlier.
"Katniss Everdeen and her army killed your family."
"Yes."
"Katniss Everdeen seduced you."
"Yes."
"Katniss Everdeen tried to kill you."
"Yes."
"Good, Peeta," Snow says, generally pleased.
That's not good. Snow being pleased means I'm doing something right. I don't want to be doing something right. Not for the Capitol. Not for Snow.
I'm let out of my restraints.
"No door today, Peeta. You've got an interview tonight."
"Do I? For what?"
"The mutt has been taping more propaganda for the rebels. We need you to counter it."
"Why should I even care anymore?"
Snow smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder. I'm getting a little tired of him doing that.
"Don't worry Peeta. This will be the last one."
"What do you mean?"
He looks at Mr. Yves.
"I'm sure it's safe to tell him now, sir."
"We're going to set a bomb off in 13."
"What? You can't do that! What about those innocent people!"
"Innocent people? No, Peeta. The bomb will go off in the army base they have. The only ones in danger are the rebel army, their leaders, and the mutt."
They're going to kill Katniss?
No, they're going to kill the muttation of Katniss. Not the real one.
I remember kissing her on the beach.
You also remember her trying to kill you several times. Then she killed your family, and all those innocent people in District 12. Why shouldn't she suffer the same fate? She took so many lives, why shouldn't she die? She's not even human!
I argue with myself all the way up to Snow's study. A stylist greets me, not Portia, the one from last time.
I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror for the first time in awhile.
My face is pale and my hair is dull. I've lost color in my hair so much that it almost looks gray. My face even almost looks gray. I look sickly, I've lost weight. I've got bloodied cuts up and down my body. Half of them are inflamed with infection. One of the toes on the foot that wasn't amputated is black from the cold water the other day, and should be removed, but no one will see that so I'm sure Snow won't fix it.
Where my coal burns have healed, there are scabs and scars for the lesser of the burns. The lacerations from the dry ice shards are still there.
I have blue and purple bruises all over my body and my lips aren't pink like they should be. They are more of a pale peach color, if that.
Within the next few hours, I'm transformed.
My scars and scabs are visible, but only up close. The bruises too. The camera won't see them. The only thing visible to the camera will be the color of my hair, and my weight. Possibly my dead-looking skin. Not much else. Which is good, because when Katniss sees me, she won't have to worry.
Katniss is dead. And what do you care what the mutt thinks? It's her fault anyway. You should make an effort to look worse. Not that she'd care.
Whatever happiness I was feeling at my transformation is gone now. It really doesn't matter how I look.
On the way to the conference room in Snow's mansion, Snow preps me. "Now, the rebels have got an expert on technology from district 3 working with the mutt on the propaganda films. They've broken into the Capitol's feed a few times already. We don't anticipate that to happen tonight, but if it does, pretend you didn't see anything and keep going by your script. It will be on the teleprompter in front of you, but behind the camera.
I'm expecting to see Caesar, but I don't. I'm guessing this is going to be done solo.
Snow sits in his chair behind a podium. I sit to his left side, in front of a huge map of Panem projected on the wall.
Once I sit down, I start nervously tapping my foot. It's beginning again, the arguing with myself.
Why now? Why does the craziness have to make an appearance now?
Focus you idiot! This is important! She tried to kill you! She stomped on your heart! This is for your family she killed! This interview is for all those innocent people!
The anthem of Panem must have played, because my teleprompter is up and the operator is urging me to start speaking. I've been so unfocused, trying to stop the arguing in my head. It's like I'm two people. I shake my head, I have to start now. I have to do this. I have to discredit the rebels.
"Panem, I stand in front of a projected image of our country." I stand up, and grab a stick Snow hands to me. "This is why a cease-fire is so important. Just take a moment to look at all the damage."
"The dam in the center of District 7 has been completely destroyed by rebel forces." The map lights up in the area I'm talking about, and I point to it with the stick.
"The flood from the broken down not only killed several District 7 families, but it created a massive dent in the production of District 7's trade, Lumber. It also caused an environmental problem, drowning plants and animals for miles, cutting food supply."
District 6 lights up. "A train carrying toxic waste derailed in district 6, also hurting the ecosystem and food production. In 11," I say, while moving my stick over to 11 on the map, "a granary collapsed and pancaked to the ground after a fire started by stray cannon fire by rebel forces."
I'm about to talk about burning farms in District 10, when all of a sudden, the teleprompter freezes and shakes like it's trying to process too much information. The tv screens all around the room are doing the same thing, and then I see Katniss' face on television.
It's the first time I've seen her face since she blew me that kiss in the arena, after trying to kill me by shooting an arrow at the explosive arena dome.
A flood of emotions course through me, among them, among the two different sides of me, are:
Relief.
Anger.
Happiness
Frustration
Pride
Hatred
Katniss stands in front of District 12's remains.
"Peeta,"
She speaks to me.
"This is your home, none of your family has been heard from since the bombing."
The bombing YOU called for!
"Twelve is gone."
Because of you!
"And you're calling for a cease-fire? There's no one left to hear you!"
And like that, my teleprompter and the tv's steady, and I'm back on the air. I'm forced to pretend like nothing happened.
"In District 4, the bombing of a water purification plant has placed a heavy dent on safe and clean drinking water for innocent district and Capitol citizens alikeā¦" and I'm prepared to say more but now, Finnick is on the television.
Finnick speaks of Rue, but I tune him out. He's almost as bad as the mutt is. I couldn't trust him either and I was stupid to ever think I could. I trust no one. I can't even trust myself.
I don't know who I am anymore, but Peeta is gone.
The rest of the interview takes forever because we keep getting cut off by enemy propaganda.
I get bored towards the end of the constant battle between the Capitol and the rebels for control of the television. Snow drones on about how the rebels are the cause of all the nations problems, blah blah blah.
I'm not paying attention until Snow mentions her name. "Peeta! Any parting thoughts for Katniss?"
Yeah, I'm glad you're safe. I miss you.
Yeah, you murderer! You tried to kill me! You tried to kill my family! I can't believe I ever trusted you! You're not even human! You mutt!
Oh no, not the arguing. I can't think with the arguing in my head. What do I say?
Tell the nation that no one is safe. Not Capitol citizens, not rebels.
"Katniss..how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts."
WARN HER!
NO! SHE'S A MUTT! IT DOESN'T MATTER!
YOU LOVE THIS GIRL, YOU KNOW THAT YOU DO, WARN HER! DON'T YOU DARE LET HER DIE!
NO! DON'T BE A FOOL! SHE ALREADY MADE YOU AN IDIOT!
"And you, in thirteenā¦" I begin to say, but I don't know what's going to come out my mouth next because the two different sides of myself want two different things.
Without thinking, I say, "Dead by morning!"
And there it is, I said it.
I am convinced I did the right thing.
You did a stupid thing.
I couldn't let her die. I couldn't ever let her die at my hand.
She died already! The girl in 13 is. Not. Real. What do you not understand about that!
As soon as I'm off the air I scream from all the madness. My head throbs and is pounding and my heart is racing. But this is not the worst of it.
Snow very calmly asks everybody to leave the room.
When they are gone, he comes up to me and backhands me so hard I go flying a few feet before hitting the ground. I'm now looking up at him, lying on the ground, on my back.
"What was that?"
"I don't know!"
He kicks me in the side until I start gasping for air. "Stop!"
"You stupid boy! You warned them on national television!"
"You can still bomb it, you don't"
"A waste of Capitol supplies! I still have to bomb them or they won't take me seriously! But they'll all get to safety by the time my bombers get there!" He grunts and kicks me in the side a few more times, then he kicks me in the face, and then in the groin.
I lie on the floor bleeding, in agonizing pain while Snow is on the phone trying to arrange an early flight to 13 for the bombing.
He's slightly less angry when he's off the phone, leading me to make the assumption that the bombing will go a little earlier than previously planned, meaning that the people in 13 might not be safe and I may have risked my life to warn them for nothing.
But what is my life worth anyway? Nothing. That's been made very clear to me.
Snow kicks me a few more times while I'm down, and then orders me up off the floor. I'm dizzy and my eyes are swollen and hurting, so I fall back down again.
Two guards come in and next thing I know, I'm outside the room where my family is staying. Snow isn't here. The guards let me go.
What is this?
After what I did, how is it that I'm allowed to stay in this nice room and see my family?
But when I open the door, I piece together that puzzle quickly, and realize that this is just part of the game.
