Chapter 10 - To Face ones Fears
Kurt stared in mute shock for a moment as Kitty seemed to be sinking into the floor. Quickly, he got down on hands and knees and tried to grab her hand with his own, but he might as well have tried to grab onto mist. Kitty's hand seemed suddenly to be as insubstantial as smoke, and Kurt's own hand passed straight through hers, as though it was not there. Kitty flailed wildly, clearly panicking, trying to grab on to Kurt; to the stone floor, to anything, but this seemed to be completely useless, as she was sinking into the floor as though it was made out of quicksand.
"Kitty!" Kurt called, as he watched helplessly as she sunk into the floor and vanished from his sight.
"Don't bother," the voice came from above him, and almost sounded like the other Kurt's, except that the other Kurt had a cheerful, friendly and playful tone of voice, whereas this voice was derisive and cruel. "She is better off without you, we both know that."
Kurt looked up. There was a hooded figure standing on a pedestal, where Kurt could have sworn that there had been nothing and no one there before. The hooded figure wore a grey mask over his face, but Kurt could still see his eyes through the mask; amber-gold and glowing with derision and disgust as he looked down at Kurt.
"Who…?" Kurt asked, getting to his feet uncertainly.
"Who am I?" asked the stranger derisively, "Is that what you wished to ask? Ask rather; who are you?"
Kurt took a step towards the cloaked figure, "I know who I am," he replied.
"No you don't," the stranger replied dismissively, "if you did, then you wouldn't be here. Oh you keep trying to tell yourself that you know yourself and all of that rubbish, but you and I both know that it is all nought but lies. You've come here trying to find yourself, but instead you have wound up losing yourself, just as you knew you would. You always lose everything, sooner or later."
"I'm here to rescue my family," said Kurt, taking another step towards the figure, "I'm not trying to find myself or anything like that."
"We both know that that is not true," the stranger replied, leaping down from the pedestal and doing a double back flip, in much the same way that Kurt had at one time performed such a manoeuvre, during his time as a circus acrobat. Then the cloaked figure took one step towards Kurt, his eyes still shining with malicious cruelty, "And even if you somehow have managed to delude yourself that you are here in order to rescue your family, what makes you think that they would want to be rescued by someone like you, anyway? You destroyed them all once, what is it that makes you think that you won't do so again?"
Kurt balled his hands into fists, as he suddenly felt an intense anger rising up inside himself, and was unsure if that anger was directed towards the cloaked stranger, or towards his own feelings of guilt and inadequacy. "None of that was my fault!" he shouted. "I was part of it, but I did not cause it. And I'm trying to do my best to make up for it. And you're in my way!" he practically screamed, marching towards the cloaked figure and attempting to push him out of the way, so that he could continue on with his quest without having to waste more time conversing with the annoying stranger.
The figure merely held out one of his gloved hands, and stopped Kurt from advancing by grabbing one of Kurt's own misshapen hands in a surprisingly strong grip. "Stop lying to yourself," the cloaked stranger practically commanded.
"I'm not lying to myself," Kurt replied angrily, "and you are in my way. Let me go so that I can try and help Kitty."
"You won't be able to do that," the cloaked stranger replied, "you and I both know that you cannot help her. Oh, you will lie to yourself that you can, that you are worthy of her, but we both know that you are not. You won't be able to save her; that much is obvious. Even if you do somehow manage to reach her, what chance would she have of a decent life with you? You, an ugly, mutated creature that does not deserve the pity and constant help that so many of your betters have constantly given to you! You would ruin her life; you know that. What makes you think that she agreed to marry you out of anything but pity for the pathetic creature that you are? And she will tire of you just as quickly; do not delude yourself that it can be otherwise. She had beaus long before you came along and kidnapped her for your own ends; she will have beaus long after she tires of your pathetic excuse for companionship. Would it not be better just to leave her be, save both her and yourself the pain and suffering that would be involved were you to become so much more than friends?"
Kurt swallowed uncertainly. He wanted to just yell at the cloaked stranger, to tell him that he knew nothing about him, and certainly nothing about Kitty nor his relationship with her, but it was clear that this masked stranger knew far too much about Kurt's own fears, his own deeply buried concerns and his own feelings of inadequacy, and was using all of these as a surprisingly effective weapon against Kurt. For the truth was that Kurt had often worried about the very issues that this stranger was talking about, worried that he was not good enough for Kitty, worried that he would not be able to make her happy in their marriage, worried that in the end she would decide, with good reason, that they should not continue with their life together, that she would leave him heartbroken, and move on to another, far more deserving beau. Usually these thoughts were momentary, fleeting and passed quickly; but now, hearing them so cruelly articulated by another, Kurt found that he could no longer ignore these fears and doubts.
The stranger's eyes glowed with a sort of sadistic triumph. "I see that you realise that I am right," he said, "for you have nothing to say, none of your famous jokes or clever retorts to counter me with, nothing but the bare truth, laid bare, naked before you."
Kurt swallowed again, his throat suddenly feeling dry and parched. He looked down at the floor, and thought about Kitty, falling down through the floor itself, and how she might, even now, need his help to overcome whatever strange obstacles were to be placed in front of her. Thinking about Kitty made him smile, as it so often did. It did not matter that he wondered why in the world Kitty had decided that she loved him more than anyone else, the simple fact of the matter was that she loved him. Maybe he would make stupid mistakes in his marriage, do stupid things that would annoy Kitty, but he would be mature enough to apologise to her, to admit that he had done wrong, and try to make it up to her whenever that was possible. His doubts and fears were a part of him, but they did not define him; there was far more to him than that. As he looked up once more at the hooded stranger, he realised that this was just another test, a test to see if he was worthy of Kitty, and also a test to see if he was worthy of the aid of the sleeping king. He smiled at the suddenly slightly confused look within the stranger's glowing eyes.
"You are partly right," he said, "I do worry about all of that. But I can look at the bare truth of my imperfections without the need of a cloak or a mask, which is more than you seem to be able to do." With that he tore the mask off of the stranger's face, revealing his true identity.
It was a lot like looking into a mirror. The stranger had Kurt's own features, although these were slightly distorted. Part of Kurt had realised who – what – he was from the moment he had started speaking to him – the very personification of his own fears and uncertainties, given life and animation, Kurt supposed, by the magic of the mountain itself. It was, after all, just another one of the tests that Kurt knew that he would have to complete to earn the right to ask the sleeping king for his help. Yet, despite knowing this at some level, it was still terrifying to stare, quite literally, into the face of his own fears and uncertainties. Although he had seen many terrifying beings during his time as an X-Man, none had been as scarily personal as this, the very personification of his own imperfections. He just wanted to get away from the creature, to get as far away as possible from its haunting yellow gaze. Thinking of Kitty, suddenly determined to go wherever it was that she had gone, he attempted to teleport.
There was a moment of darkness, of confusion, and a subconscious feeling that something had gone terribly, irrevocably wrong. Was it even possible to teleport within the mountain? He had thought of trying to reach Kitty, but he did not even know where she had gone. Up until that moment, he had always avoided teleporting to anywhere that he had not seen previously. This had been a sensible and logical precautionary use of his power. After all, the last thing that he wanted to do was to teleport into something – or worse yet, someone – leading to serious injury, if not fatality. But he had not worried about that sensible precaution when staring into the face of his own fears and imperfections, had just wanted to get away from that which frightened him so much. Maybe now he would be forced to pay for using his mutant power so recklessly.
Kurt blinked a few times, and then, where only a moment ago there had been total darkness, there was suddenly a blindingly powerful light. He shielded his eyes from the glaring brightness, and looked around at his surroundings. Fire was raging all around him. Kurt swallowed, trying his utmost not to panic. He still had a terrible phobia of fire, although, with the help of Kitty and some other mutants, he had been able to keep this phobia – mostly – under control when the fire itself was under control. Yet as he looked around, it was clear that this fire right here – wherever here was – was clearly not under control at all. Was this some other dimension, a fire dimension? Had he died and been sent to some strange otherworldly place to pay for his crimes, to pay for some real or imagined sins that he might have committed in the past? Perhaps he was being punished for having difficulty staring his own fears in the eye, for his inability to cope with these fears in an appropriate manner. But no, that did not feel right. He was not even sure that he had failed that test; there did not seem to be an easy way to evaluate whether or not he was doing what he had to do in order to earn the sleeping king's approval. Besides, he was fairly sure that he was not dead; he could hear his laboured breathing as he stared at the flames surrounding him, could hear his heart beating like a drum in his ear. No, this surely had to be yet another test. Swallowing his fear as best he could, he looked at his surroundings to try to figure out what he should do next.
He seemed to be in some form of underground cavernous chamber, but one quite unlike that of the Morlocks, as there was no indication of human activity, or that any human had ever entered this place before. Yet he could make out creatures, living beings that appeared to be sniffing the air curiously, as though wondering what that strange, alien smell that had invaded their territory might be. Kurt blinked a few more times and stared through the flames, trying to look at the creatures as best he could through the flames. They appeared to be huge lizards, fiery creatures as tall as a man, with sharp teeth and talons. He was not sure how many there were, as it was hard to tell through the flames, but suspected that there were dozens, if not hundreds, and they all seemed to be curious about him, this strange creature that had suddenly appeared in their domain. They were approaching him slowly, cautiously, their teeth and claws glowing in the light of the flames. Kurt swallowed uncertainly again, as he watched fearfully as the fiery lizards came ever closer to where he was rooted to the spot in fear. They were actually quite impressive creatures, as they seemed to be perfectly at home, perfectly adapted to their fiery environment. Kurt was the outsider, the stranger that had entered their territory, and surely they would be doing nothing more than defending their own territory if they were to kill and eat him. It was not as if they were evil, after all, just animals that wanted, understandably, to defend their own domain from potential rivals. Still, however impressive these creatures might be, Kurt's first thought was for his own survival, and he was prepared to do whatever was necessary to these creatures to ensure that he would survive his encounter with them.
Kurt tried to ignore his fear as he stared at the creatures through the flames, as they continued to advance towards him. Kurt groped blindly behind himself and grabbed something cold and smooth, and about the size of his head. As the nearest of the fire lizards snapped at him, he hit it as hard as he could with his improvised weapon. The creature screamed in indignation and pain, as blood began to spurt from what Kurt supposed might be its nostrils. Kurt looked down at his weapon, and saw that it appeared to be a giant ruby, and that there appeared to be a fire burning steadily within it. Well, it would not have been his first choice of weapons back at the Institute, but Wolverine had always stressed the importance of improvisation, of using that which was available in order to defend one's self, in order to, at the very least, remain alive. It would have to do.
The other fire lizards were approaching now, apparently getting bolder as they approached Kurt in twos and threes. Kurt hit the ones closest to him with the ruby, managing to prevent the first five or six from seriously harming him. But it was clear that he could not continue to fight them of in this manner forever, for they were approaching him from every direction, and he was rapidly tiring from fighting off so many foes. Despite the fact that it was teleporting that had somehow led him into this fiery dimension, it was becoming clearer by the moment that it was only teleporting that would enable him to survive.
Kurt looked up at the ceiling of the cave. There was a particularly large stalactite hanging down from the ceiling not far to his left. It did not look as though the fire lizards would be able to reach him if he were to teleport onto it. He did not really like teleporting upwards, it always seemed to require far too much energy and effort, but he did not appear to have a huge variety of options currently available to him. At least from that stalactite he would be out of the reach of the flames and the fire lizards, and so would be able to plan what he was going to do next from a position of relative safety.
Bamf!
Kurt vanished momentarily, and, to his great relief, managed to grab onto the chosen stalactite. He stared down at the fiery chamber from his relatively safe vantage point. The fire lizards down below him seemed to be understandably confused, as their prey had suddenly vanished, leaving behind a stench of sulphur. Kurt grinned in spite of himself as he looked down at their confused faces. Poor creatures, this whole encounter must have seemed very strange to them; Kurt found himself actually feeling quite sympathetic towards them, now that he was not in the immediate danger of being their lunch. At the thought of lunch, Kurt's stomach started growling as though on cue and Kurt was suddenly reminded that he had not eaten anything since leaving the Morlocks. He had not realised how hungry he felt until that moment. The fire lizards looked up at him, apparently upon hearing that strange growling sound, and Kurt looked down on them curiously.
I wonder if they taste like chicken. He had not wanted that thought to enter his mind, but it came anyway, unbidden and unwanted. Kitty would not exactly approve if he were to eat such impressive and rare creatures. Besides, judging by the way in which they were looking up at him, the fire lizards were thinking exactly the same thing about him. Still, they could not seem to be able to reach him from where he was currently clinging on to the stalactite for dear life. Yet he could not stay up there forever, as his stomach was annoyingly reminding him. Yet what was he to do? Did he dare teleport out of this fiery domain, even though that was what had lead him here in the first place, and could quite easily result in him being transported to some even more dangerous place? Kurt was not sure what he should do for the best, but it was clear that he would have to do something, and soon, because the stalactite that he was holding onto so tightly was beginning to creak and crack under his weight, and it was becoming painfully obvious that it would very soon break and drop to the fiery ground below.
