I had been having a decent dinner after training, feeling a confidence that I haven't had in a while. Training had been going well and Johanna and I had our final tests to be on a squad in a few days, I was finally relaxed at the dinner table with everyone I care for safe in District 13 now that everyone was out of custody, and I felt like I was getting somewhere with Gale. Not that he had really given me anything at all since that shower that ended with me under a sink for hours, but I thought that it was going better. Of course I hadn't given up. Which is exactly what I was doing now.
Peeta sitting down at the table had made it awkward for sure for everyone, but I decided that it was the perfect time and place to try to crack Gale's stellar willpower. I know it's dangerous, but maybe if I did something now with Peeta her and in a public place it would prove something to him without me saying anything at all. And so out of the corner of my eye as Peeta was talking to Annie and Finnick, I placed my hand on Gale's thigh under the table. To my utter frustration he only barely acknowledged it with a slight twitch of his lips, but other than that paid more attention to the conversation than me. And so I pretended to listen too, my hand doing as it pleased and going towards his inner thigh, almost to him where I could almost rub him through his pants which despite his willpower had a mind of its own and I could sense it getting harder much to my delight. And then…
"So are you two officially a couple now?" Peeta asks us, linking us together with a wave of his spoon. It froze me in place, both my mind and my hand as I willed myself not to panic. Peeta knew nothing, he couldn't have known. My mouth is so dry and sticky from guilt and panic that I can't bring myself to speak but I do slip my hand away from Gale, gripping the side of my chair as Gale replies and all I can do is stare hoping he gives nothing away.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it myself." He says, ignoring the question much to my relief. If anyone is going to find out for sure about what we're doing then Peeta is definitely one of the last people that needs to know. Not that we've done anything at all recently but still.
"What?" Peeta asks him, confused under his cold tone.
"You." Gale answers, referring to how different he is. The real Peeta would have never acted this way, never been so cold or direct. With one last gulp of his milk he turns to me and asks if I'm done and I nod, and we leave the table together a decent distance apart in silence.
The heavy silence between us on the way back to my room could crush a District, but I'm definitely not going to be the first to speak after that. Because that's one of the real questions, isn't it, the one that Peeta just blatantly asked? It's certainly one I've been avoiding for some time now. But couple or not, it's definitely not official. Despite anything I happen to be doing in a public place to get what I want. Which is also a problem I've been warring with myself almost constantly. Why do I want it so bad? I'm sure Peeta (or at least the old one) would have been more than willing, but somehow I find myself recoiling from the thought. Maybe this Peeta has just infected my thinking about it, but I want Gale in that way and no one else and that's what this really comes down to. It scares the hell out of me that it's the dirty truth but I still don't know exactly what to do about it.
When we finally get to my door we both just stare at it, knowing that I can't just very well leave it like this and walk in. This is one of those things we have to talk about, I know it and he knows it.
"So…" I finally crack, but my voice refuses to let me go further into this awkward conversation.
"You just don't give up, do you?" I sense a smirk in Gale's voice, and to my surprise when I look up at him he's got mirth in his eyes, and nothing of the awkwardness I feel. Is he really alright with avoiding the topic? Yes, I realize. Because he wants me to say something about it on my own. But I also can chicken out and go along with this conversation, because despite the far more dirty and intimate intentions behind it, it's somehow easier to talk of.
"Did you think I would?" I give him an eyebrow raised, shoving all thoughts of Peeta and his questions to the back of my mind as I let my other problem come to the forefront. Any attempt to break this and make him give me what I want. This is something I can deal with.
"I didn't think you'd do it at the dinner table." He laughs lightly and with a smile I can't hide I decide that maybe this is the time to turn things around to my side. It's worth a shot anyway, especially when I could already sense him getting harder at the dinner table and the lust in his eyes that he can't seem to hide right now no matter how hard he tries.
"And the shower didn't tell you anything?" I bring up to remind him that of course I would go there right at the dinner table.
With an eyebrow raised and a smile in remembrance of that battle he won, he leans against the wall with him arms crossed. "It told me that I have far more control than you do, that's for sure."
Control? So it's control he wants, huh? Well I can give him that.
Pushing against him where he is on the wall, I press myself into him and yank on his hair while I come up on the balls of my feet, forcing his lips to be a mere inch from mine as I stare into his eyes, the lust in my own body betraying just how much I want him now if it wasn't obvious already. He just stares at me, waiting for me to do something.
"You sure you don't want to come in?" I ask as an attempt at a seductive whisper, my voice heavy with desire and my vision swimming in lust for the man literally in my face. He doesn't reply right away, so I press my lips to his and I'm disappointed when he doesn't respond. Coming back down and frowning, I look up at him and study him with a smirk on his face in sheer exasperation.
"You don't?" I ask him incredulously, hardly believing it.
"I do." He admits frankly, uncrossing his arms and backing away from the door towards the end of the hallway as I stare at him in disbelieve. "But you know what you have to do to get me there."
My mouth drops open as I let out a frustrated groan, slamming the door shut to my and Johanna's room as I pace in anger and exasperation. God, why does that boy have to have such an ultimatum? Why does he have some supernatural willpower that nothing can get through? Why does this have to be happening in the middle of a war?
You know, somehow I think it might be easier to break the Capitol and Snow than to break down the walls of Ft. Hawthorne.
To calm myself down before Johanna comes back from dinner I take a shower, and come out to find Johanna on her bed, her eyes snapping to me as soon as I enter the room.
"So what the fuck was that about?" she asks me, and I shrug.
"Nothing." I mutter, going to find some clothes to put on as she keeps talking, but luckily she can't see my face anymore.
"Oh so there's no particular reason Peeta thinks you and your cousin are a couple?" she questions me and I roll my eyes.
"We're not cousins." I reiterate, annoyed beyond belief that people still believe that. I turn around and find her with a smirk on her face, and somehow I think she actually knew that already and just wanted a reaction out of me. Damn, I need to be more careful around her. "And we're not a couple." I add on because I guess it's true. It's certainly what Gale wants but we're not really I guess.
"Oh good, because he's hot." She smiles at me, clearly testing me. If she doesn't know something or if Haymitch hasn't already told her, she certainly suspects. Or she's just toying with me. Either way I can't let her win.
"Glad you think so." I nod and go towards the bed, getting under the covers but apparently that's not the end of it.
"I wouldn't mind being with him. I bet he's great in bed." She comments suggestively and I hold back a gulp and a blush somehow, though there's a vial jealously rising in me too at the very thought of Johanna being with Gale in any way shape or form. Which is probably her point.
"Well why don't you let me know when you find out." I roll my eyes though it recoils me to just suggest it out loud and turn off the lights. Wait, I don't want to know. Besides the fact that I already do know, and he's better than good. "On second thought, don't tell me. I don't want to know."
She laughs and turns off her own light, somehow satisfied but I don't really see what it is. "Whatever brainless."
When I walk into my room, I'm surprised to see Johanna in a heated make out session on her bed and I almost turn right around and walk back out into the hallway because it's not exactly something I want to see, but then I get a glimpse of who she's kissing and it makes my blood boil and I start to panic.
"What are you doing?" I shriek in disbelief, and the couple stops what they're doing and looks up at me.
"What's it look like brainless? Get out." Johanna replies, but I'm not even looking at her. I'm looking at the man she's with in shock and pain and a vicious sort of jealously.
"You can't do this." I shake my head at him, almost shaking.
"Why not?" he asks me with an eyebrow raised, waiting for me to answer. Waiting for the right answer, the one he wants to hear.
"Because you're mine." I declare, right in front of Johanna but I don't care. I walk over and try to push Johanna away, trying to take him with me.
"But Katniss, I thought you loved me." a hurt voice whispers behind me, but I don't even turn to look at him. It sounds like the old Peeta but surely he knew that I really didn't. Or at least I don't think I do. All I can focus on is the man in front of me that should be with me, not anyone else.
"Am I?" he asks me, an eyebrow quirked and I nod, my eyes begging him to come with me. "Then prove it."
"How?" I ask, though I already know. Wasn't it enough to claim he's mine in front of Johanna and Peeta? No, of course not.
"You just want me for my body, Katniss. That's all." He states out loud and I'm momentarily shocked that he reveals this but I shake my head.
"It's not true." I claim. "I…love you."
There, I finally said it, and somehow it doesn't seem as horrible as it should feel. It seems almost…right. Luckily it's all he needs to hear, and the others disappear as he pulls me onto the bed and rolls on top of me, a fierce kiss to my lips that makes me groan with pleasure as he begins to undress me as I rip at his own clothes, desperate for what I need that he's not let me have for a while.
"Why did you make me wait so long?" I gasp as his perfect fingers enter me, making me moan just at the contact because I'm so tight and wet. As he strokes me and caresses my breast, leaving wet kisses on my neck and shoulders he somehow finds the words to answer me.
"You made yourself wait so long." He reminds me, and I guess in a way he's right and I stop talking. Well, at least coherent words, there are certainly noises and some kind of words coming out of me as I feel waves of pleasure roll over me, somehow better because of the lack of it for so long.
I stroke his silkiness and hardness a few times before he's ready, pushing himself into me as we both moan in need as our hips meet, setting a fast and furious pace from the desire that neither of us can contain and racing towards the pleasure at the end. When we get there he entwines our fingers together and I pull into a kiss that hides our moans of ecstasy as we come together, breathing hard afterwards but feeling so perfectly right and glowing. This is exactly what I needed, and I sigh in content.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
With a groan I wake up and hit the alarm off, a bit more than mildly disappointed that it was only a dream. I've never had a dream like that before but I can't say I mind. I will find a way to break Gale, and I know what it would take. But as I try to whisper the words to myself under my breath my voice breaks every time, and I know I can't. Not right now. If I can't even say the words to myself then there's no way I'd be able to look him in the eye and say it.
What have I come to? Am I really so desperate for something I never really wanted months ago that I'm trying to say something I never thought I would and mean it? Do I even mean it?
"What are you whispering to yourself over there?" a curious voice breaks the silence, and I sit up and find Johanna looking at me strangely. Clearly she knows I was saying something, but especially after our conversation last night I'm certainly not going to tell her the truth.
"Just making sure I know all the military terms for our test." I decide to tell her, the only plausible thing I can think of. I should be doing it anyway, the test is in a few days.
Johanna seems to believe me luckily. "You don't need to whisper that. I need to know them too."
I nod to her and get out of bed, going to the dresser to change into training clothes to get ready.
"Of course all that moaning you did in your sleep I could do without hearing." She comments and I do my best not to freeze. I did what?
That's going to take some explaining. All I can hope is that I've truly become the dirty liar that I guess I am, because it's going to take a miracle to get out of this without the truth coming out. Or at least a really good lie.
