A/N: I'm a bitch for not updating sooner. Sorry. I got out of school so hopefully more time to write. Yay! Also, I just got back from Thailand which was really boring. So, sorry for the really really long delay but I plan to finish this!! I promise!!
Amo
Sorrowful
I loved the feeling when my mom hugged me as a little girl. It'd be one of those late nights where she'd sit in a dim lighted room curled up with a good book and then I'd appear in my pyjamas staring at my mom. She'd instantly notice my presences and know exactly what was wrong with me. That's when she offered me a safe place in her arms. I'd get as close as possible and breathe her in.
She'd always tell me to stop though. She said:
"Don't breathe me in."
I'd ask her why.
"It means I don't have that much time."
I didn't know what that meant, but all I know is that I loved it.
And as much as I missed the old days of my mom, I had equal hate towards her in my teenage years. During class I felt extremely bitter. Not your usual bitch attack that you would normally see with me, but it felt like I was PMS-ing and like hell I keep track of my period. I wanted to destroy everything that talked to me today, anything that was in my way. Anyone who didn't talk to me when I wanted them to. It was just this urge to run back to my dorm, grab my guns and go on a rampage. Maybe it was my period.
Either way, something was completely wrong with me. How do I know? Well I wouldn't be knocking on Reid's door right now. I felt like a dog, returning to its owner with its tail between its legs. Hopefully he'd let me in.
"It's open." I heard Reid on the other side.
I didn't hesitate to just barge in causing Reid to jump in his seat at the desk right across from the door. He turned his head cautiously and went back to the computer.
"Jesus, PJ." He squealed, "What the fuck?"
"Shut up." Was all I could say as I slammed the door behind me with Reid's eyes still fixed to the screen.
"What brings you here?"
"You know how pissed off I am?" I hollered as I paced by the door.
"I wouldn't have guessed… Care to take a seat?" He suggested.
I took in a deep breathe before my eyes gazed out the window noticing the weather. Winter had drifted away and here came the crashing clatter of the thunderstorms.
"I don't want to," I grumbled, "This is so stupid."
"What is?"
I was taken aback, "This is! Everything. It's so fucking retarded."
The words rolling off my tongue made absolutely no sense to anyone. Not even to myself, but it felt like a push to just scream out and it only frustrated me even more to not know why.
I knew Reid was getting annoyed as well, "I can't help you if I don't know what it is."
"It's everything!" I repeated.
"Do us all a favour and take a bath. You need to calm the fuck down."
I bit my lower lip hard, "If you don't want me around then just tell me."
"Okay," I could hear the grin in his voice, "Go away."
"Asshole."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"Reid," I started, "I'm being serious here. Something is seriously wrong with me and I don't know what the fuck it is."
"What the hell do you want me to do about it?" He yelled.
What did I want him to do about it?
My blood vessels were about to pop with Reid's normal behaviour towards me. And with his focus on the computer screen didn't make me feel better. He could have at least paid attention to me.
"You could at least look at me when I'm talking to you."
God, I felt like his mom.
It seemed to have caught his attention though, "I don't think you want me looking at you right now."
"Fucking hell, Reid. I came in here to talk to you." I crossed my arms as his back still faced me, "You could at least look back from time to time so I know you're listening."
"Do you really want me to have all my attention on you?"
Was he stupid?
"Yes."
He let out a sigh and pushed his chair away from the computer he had been hooked onto. What I should have been paying attention to, instead of my own anger, was what Reid had been working on. Or should I say, watching.
He turned around in his chair in the most casual way, leaning back comfortably. I also should have noticed that Reid wasn't wearing any pants or boxers as I stormed into the dorm. My face warmed up to it's embarrassment as I quickly turned around tens.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Reid." I hollered, "It's 3:00 in the afternoon."
I felt him shrug, "Hey, when it's hard I have to deal with it. It needs attenti-"
"Please! Just put some fucking pants on."
"You ask me to turn around." He argued.
"Could have told me what you were doing."
He chuckled, "I thought that's why you barged in."
Ew…
"I just threw up in my mouth." I commented.
The discomfort had creep up inside me invading the air making creating the thickening silence. These were the type of moments where I never thought I'd have to witness or even be apart of, but lucky Reid gets to beat everyone to the punch line.
"I'll-" I tried to find my voice as quickly as possible "I'll come back later."
I flushed out of the room with my face beating a hot red. I quickly scanned up and down the hallways to find them completely empty. Good, I didn't want any witnesses. Life is unfair. Reid was being completely ridiculous with his childish behaviour and I wanted things to be fixed. I wanted to be fixed. The anger was overwhelming me and the tension to kill grew more and more. I continued to walk down the hallway clutching my fist. I pinned it on a hunter effect. Maybe it was a hunter thing to get moody and have this urge to kill. Yeah, that was it, I haven't hunted in so long.
That's when I eyed the lines of pay phones that Spenser had in the building. It was empty, which only gave me that encouragement to pick up the phone and call my parents. It was against the rules for me to keep in contact with my parents. For all they know, they think I'm dead. But I was so curious. I wanted to know if they still lived in the same place, if they were still the same, if they even missed me. I sure missed them like hell. I didn't know why they crossed my mind. I haven't really thought about my family in awhile and you'd think I would have gotten use to not talking to them, but that's not what my subconscious was telling me.
I took in a deep breath before I picked up the receiver and gingerly pressed it against my ear pushing in a quarter. I still remembered the number off by heart. A number I'd never forget. I remember when I was little, my dad told me that if I ever needed to remember to call home, just remember this jingle. He made it up just for me and I haven't forgotten ever since.
I heard the muffle ringing, tapping my fingers lightly on the counter where I rested my arm. I was nervous. What was I going to say?
"Hi! This is your daughter who you thought was dead. She's calling from the grave to know what is going on in your lives."
My mom would instantly think it was a prank call and phone the police to track down the number. It was just like her.
I was amazed at how many things raced through my mind before I perked up hearing the 'hello' on the other end. It was my dad. The same familiar voice burned in my heart realized how long it's been since I've actually seen him. His face rummaged through my brain at the first note of his voice, but I wanted to speak to my mom, just to hear her voice as well. I'd remember her so clearly if I could just hear her.
"Hi, this is the Royal Country Bank calling for Mrs. Abigail Mortem. May we speak to her please?" I asked in my most professional voice.
I was surprised I could actually keep my voice straight forward. My emotions were dangling, hitting each other like dominos. Each of them were telling my body how I should feel.
I was patient for a moment waiting for my mom to pick up the receiver, but my dad kept talking. My eyes grew wide and my breath was shot, "Oh…Uh huh," I croaked. My heart went from a thumbing rat to a slow faint throb that ached. "And how long was it that she died?"
The lump was in my throat at this point taken over my entire windpipe causing me to choke. I just hung up the phone in the middle of my fathers talking. I leaned against the wall breathing hard. Harder and harder to hush the urge to cry, but it wasn't working.
3 months ago my mother died and I was completely oblivious to the event. I could still remember my mothers scent. The days when I was a kid I would hug her close to breathe in the sweet smell of her. The days where I needed her the most, she'd cheer me up. Those were the days before I was a teenager. Then came the last day I spoke to her.
It was a beautiful summer day and my mom was bitching in the morning for me to get up and do something with my life. It was during breakfast and I refused to eat the food she made me while she was feeding my little brother, Jacob in his booster seat.
"Just please, try it out, maybe you'll like it," She begged.
My mom had light brown hair and amazing light green eyes. She was beautiful when I remembered her, but I always thought of her as a fucked up monster who couldn't have been an even bigger whore. My mom was my worst enemy.
"I don't even like yarn," I growled back to her.
She decided to sign me up for some knitting class with a bunch of old people. It was another one of her lame attempts to make me occupy myself instead of just sitting in the bathroom listening to a CD player all day or watching T.V in the dark.
"It's only for an hour, Poinsettia," She begged. Jacob started to cry. She threw down the baby spoon with frustration and carried Jacob in her arms, "I'm tired of your negative attitude,"
"It's not negative,"
"Do you want to get fat? Do you even want to go outside? Don't you want to make friends? Don't you even want a boyfriend?"
"Mom," I hated when she talked about relationships, "I don't need any of that,"
She huffed, "Boys don't like fat girls,"
So much for personality.
"So what if I'm fat,"
"I'm not saying you're fat, I'm saying you're going to be if you don't get your ass out there," I rolled my eyes. Where was my dad in all this? He was always the one to tell my mom to leave me alone. I was a teenager after all, "I'm not your enemy, Poinsettia,"
"Whatever,"
I got up from the table walking down the hall and towards the stairs.
"Talk to me, please," I stopped myself as my mom looked at me with hurt eyes. I just plainly looked at her pathetic state, "I feel like I don't even know you anymore,"
"Good, I'd rather you didn't know me,"
"Poinsettia," She hollered,
"What?" I yelled right back at her.
She just swallowed hard bouncing my brother in her arms, "Go to your god damn classes,"
I rolled my eyes once more making my way up the stairs mumbling to myself, "Get a fucking job you whore,"
I knew she heard me. She was looking at me as I looked back with a dull expression. She still looked hurt.
That day I didn't bother coming home after my classes. I just walked around the city looking through the book store and spending my time there till it was late. During my walk home I ran into the former hunter and killed him. That's when destiny decided to fuck with me and take everything away from me.
I bolted to my dorm room feeling furious and dead. I bit my lower lip and kicked down the door where Kira and Aaron had been making out on my bed.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Kira screamed pushing Aaron off her.
I just paced around the room breathing even harder. The tears had won, they just streamed down my face as I ran my fingers through my hair looking for something. Anything.
"What is wrong with you?" Kira asked with annoyance.
"Get the fuck out of here," I told her bitterly, "I need to be alone,"
"Why should I?"
I found a brush on the dresser and threw it across the room where Kira and Aaron had been laying on my bed, "Just leave me the fuck alone and go screw around somewhere else!"
Kira didn't need to be asked again as she rolled her eyes dragging Aaron with her and slamming the door shut. I let out a whimper and fell in the middle of the floor just bawling. I hugged myself closer feeling empty.
This was everything I deserve. The things I get for not noticing my family, from pushing them away. The pain I deserve when I got rid of every friend I ever made when I had my life. The suffering I earned for being a cunt. It was overall me not giving a shit.
I missed my mother more than I ever did that night. My brain decided to twist my morals around as I started talking aloud hoping my mother would hear me. Maybe she'd take my pain away? I couldn't blame her if she just ignored me. I cried for three hours straight. Upset about the death and upset about who I am. Oh god, shoot me for being angst and all, but this is really unfair. I sat there on the floor hugging myself as my blurry vision soaked in the color of the carpet. A knock came to the door that moment.
I snorted back and wiped away the tears off my face. "Go away,"
"Thought you might need some company," It was Justin.
"Go away," I repeated myself burring my face into my arms as they leaned on my knees.
Justin walked in anyways with a calm look on his face and shut the door ever so gently. He didn't say anything, just looked around the messy dorm room that I got frustrated with, ripping it into pieces. It was mocking me an hour earlier. I thought it was a prison.
"Nice place you got here," He said with a nod.
"What do you want?"
"I got the notion that you called home," I paused and looked at him, "Am I right?"
"Go away," I pleaded.
He walked deeper into the room and sat on my bed looking across from me. He leaned into his sitting position putting his elbows on this thighs and sighed, "You know you're not suppose to do that,"
"You knew this whole time, didn't you?" I gulped.
"What does it matter?"
I shot up with my sad faced erased replaced with the urge of shock and anger. I stood on my feet, "You knew?" I raised my voice, "You knew this whole fucking time and you didn't want to tell me?"
"It's none of your business," He quickly answered.
"None of my business?" I mimed him with disbelief, "You're telling me that my own mothers' death is none of my business? It's all my business."
"It would have gotten in the way, we needed you to focus,"
"She's my mom. You didn't even have the courtesy to tell me? At least put a post-it on my desk for fuck sake,"
"She's not your mother anymore." He snapped.
"I'm still breathing, Justin!"
"PJ, calm down."
"How can I calm down?" I screamed with the river flowing from my eyes.
Justin wasn't impressed with my emotions at the moment, for all he knew. He thought I was being stubborn. What an asshole. He's probably being a dickweed of a hypocrite.
"There's nothing you can do now. What's done is done?"
"How can you say shit like that? My dad just lost two people in his lives already, one he doesn't even know is still alive. What the fuck about Jacob? He's gonna grow up knowing that he's fucked because death sneaks up all around him,"
"It's life,"
"It's fucked, it's what it is."
"PJ," He patted the seat next to him, "Take a seat,"
I hesitated before I did what he told me to do. The moment I sat down I started to cry even harder, hard enough that breathing was out of the question. He wrapped his arm around me pulling me close to him and rocking me back and forth as his shirt got wet.
"I miss her so much," I whimpered.
"I know,"
His voice was soothing in my ears. I was slowly calming down with a few sniffles here and there.
I whispered, "I never got to say good-bye."
Justin smiled, "Everyone misses their mom, Munchkin, even if they didn't get on the right foot. It's always those little things that make the most out of everything." I nodded with agreement. I guess it was the little things people liked the most.
Justin let go of me and stood up, "I'm heading back today, so don't do anything stupid,"
"Why does everyone keep saying that about me?"
He held the door open and took a final look at my sore face, "You're still young, rookie. Happy Birthday."
He left as I swallowed his wishing of a happy birthday and collapsed on the floor once again. I refused to cry anymore, but hold in of what was left of the tears. I was starting to worry about my mother. She probably hated me. Even now when she thought I was dead, she'd find out I was lying all over again. Bet you she was pissed when she reached the end and found out her daughters not at the other end. Maybe she was happy.
Either way, I was never going to see her again and it wasn't just Justin telling me this. He always reminded me about rule number one: never get involved with anyone. I understood him, but that never stopped me from breaking it. At least I could grasp the fact that I'd never see her again because of the whole death issue. But that didn't bother me as much as it did when I know that my father and Jacob were still walking and breathing.
I know this might sound really lame, but I liked sitting around in the dark. I've heard that type of expression from every girl who thinks she's hardcore Goth.
"I love the fucking dark!"
We get it. Stop reminding us.
At this moment, I hated myself more than anything. I'm allowed to be a little angst if others were allowed to cut themselves. It was strange though, I never felt this bad in my life. Maybe when I was younger, but it hurts like hell. We've all been heartbroken over and over, but no matter how many times it happens it still hurts like the first.
I've moved myself from my isolated room the outdoor front steps of Spenser, watching the rain fall later that day. I could have gone back into the dorm to hear Kira snore, but I tried to occupy myself with something else. I spotted a shadowy figure running towards the entrance where I sat. He was trying to get out of the rain. Who would have guessed? It was Reid in his beanie and fingerless gloves.
He sure didn't seem to miss my presence, but looked down at me with a curious look.
"Were you going somewhere?"
"Go to bed, Reid." I told him flatly hiding my face in my arms.
Of course he wouldn't listen to me, but took a seat right next to me. He was soaked and cold. "I actually wanted to see you."
I averted my eyes towards him. "Why?"
"Here," He handed me a pink envelope as I gingerly took it from his fingertips and studies the object.
"What is it?"
"A Barbie dream house, what does it look like to you?"
I rolled my eyes and ripped open the envelope. Tucked inside was a card with a plain picture of a hack saw on the cover. I raised an eyebrow with confusion then opened the card to read a language I didn't understand.
"It's in Spanish."
"I didn't have a lot of time, so I just grabbed something while I was at the gas station."
I flipped over the card to spot a sticker still plastered on it, "You spent 50 cents on me?"
"What do you expect from me?"
"What's with the picture then?"
"Because I'm 'saw'ry I forgot about your birthday."
I'm not imagining this. I chuckled at what he said fiddling with the card in my hand. I guess this was the best I was going to get out of Reid Garwin.
"You're laughing."
My face fell, "So?"
"No, I like it." He smiled at me, not a smirk, a smile. "I've never heard you laugh before."
"Well looking at what you did here, it's just weird to see your attempt to be nice to me."
"I don't this very often."
"I can tell." My head perked up, "How did you know it was my birthday?"
He cocked his head not understanding me.
"No one knows about my birthday, not even Fern."
He seemed choked on his words, "I have my ways of finding out."
I pretended to believe him, but I suspected it had something to do with his using.
I heard him sigh and felt him inch closer to me, "So what's wrong? You looked pretty upset before I came along. Not to mention your huge rampage earlier today."
"It's nothing, really." I gathered all my hair and flipped to the left side of my shoulder to block my view of Reid. He just took his cold fingers and tucked the hair behind my ear.
"You can tell me, PJ." I didn't look up, "Okay, I have pants on and I promise I am all ears."
"Why do you all of a sudden care?" I was getting frustrated with him, "Can't you just go back to being the jerk you are?"
His face sort of fell as I called him a jerk, but he quickly ignored it. "I'm just curious. I said I wanted to know, not to make things better."
I groaned, "I'll never understand you."
"You think I'm complicated? You're not so great yourself."
That was it. I just started to burst out crying causing Reid's eyes to grow big. I brought my knees close to me and covered my face with my arms. He didn't do anything. He stood up though and left leaving me to cry by myself. That's what I wanted, but something didn't feel right. My heart stopped listening to me and created its own bullshit mind. My heart was falling all the fuck over Reid.
The door opened again and I heard the squishing foot steps. They walked down the steps and crouched in front of me. My arms left my face by force and my eyes looked into his bright blue orbs.
"I'm serious, PJ." Reid spoke quietly at my worrisome face, "What's bothering you?"
My voice was at a lost. I let out a small croak then swallowed hard.
I felt his fist tighten around my tense arms, "Did some guy hurt you?"
I shook my head which caused him to loosen up a bit. Guess he didn't like the fact that some guy would play around with me like that. What a hypocrite. Each day that passed by knowing Reid, he just started to appear more complicated then simple. He hates me and wants to know what the fuck is wrong with me at the same time. It's like you just dumped your bully for another one.
Reid swallowed hard then licked his lips, "Did I hurt you?" He hesitated with his words.
I just shrugged causing him to grip hard once again. His jaw clenched. I was afraid he was going to use on me at that very moment.
"What does that mean?" His voice was angry, "Did I hurt you or not?"
"I don't know." I mumbled.
He yelled, "That's not an answer, PJ."
"Just leave me alone."
Telling Reid was impossible. It would involve killing the assignment and add complications to everything. All I could tell him was that I felt bad. Would I get over it? How do I know.
"PJ, I need to know."
"Fuck off."
He shook me, "Tell me!"
"No!"
"Tell me!" He repeated.
"I said, No!" a few more tears oozed from the corners of my eyes, "You didn't hurt me."
Reid slowly dropped my arms while staring at me. I avoided his gaze looking at my worn out converse on my feet sniffing back my sadness. Reid lifted my face up looking at my sore eyes.
"I lied." He said. I just gave him a confused look, "I do want to make it better."
He leaned in closer with my heart beating faster. Then his lips brushed against mine then pressed on my trembling ones. It was my first kiss and I'm not going to lie. I liked it. Surprisingly, the kiss didn't match his personality. It was soft and gentle.
He slowly pulled off me and I realized that my eyes had been closed before I fluttered them open.
"I feel better." I told him grabbing his shirt and pulling him in for another soft kiss.
A/N: So yay, I gave you a lot in the chapter. And it'd getting intense I can tell you that. At least, I hope so. So again, I apologize a thousand times over blah blah blah. Please review!!
I love reviews. It makes me want to write.
I got some like a few days ago I was like, "Okay, I have to do this."
And I did. See how it helps. :)
