The Doctor and Martha worked hard to save my life after the Master nearly ended it. 15 years old and I'd almost died more times than I could count. In the end, even with all the gadgets, they only just managed it.
Every time they made an incision in my side to fix any internal damage, it just healed over to the point I could feel it closing up the worst of it. And it hurt. By the time I'd been cut open enough times to be fixed, my heart had been restarted twice and I remembered hearing Martha trying to say that it had been too long since I had oxygen to my brain.
I might have been sedated, but I still heard every word they said.
He refused to give up on me though and his stubbornness paid off because fairly soon I was stable and scans showed no damage to my brain. My lungs and throat? They were a different story
The heat from the laser had scorched the inside of my lungs and burnt at the base of my throat on the inside, leaving me with not much there and potential breathing problems until it all healed. Which it might not.
Martha went home after that, not saying goodbye to me at all as I lay in a hospital bed, unconscious. I heard what she said to the Doctor, how she'd see us both again, but I had no idea if I was even going to wake up. At least not until I felt him come and sit down at my bedside, stroking my hair and kissing my forehead.
"Little Wanderer." He whispered, taking my hand gently. "I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am. I should never have made you do the things that you did, not at all. First off, you were 14 and just a kid, second, you are so, so wonderful and incredible that it was obviously going to ruin you. You looked ready to kill him, like it was something you had done before. It's something I hope you didn't have to do, because I know how it stays with you. How killing never leaves."
There was a long pause then, silence that spanned a long time, like he might have fallen asleep. "I found him. Not long before this all kicked off, I found him. Elijah Reid. Wasn't long until I landed near his palace that I realised. King Elijah Reid, the King Looking For An Heir. None of them were ever born the right way, until you. You're the Crown Princess to a thrown, Niara, or at least you're the closest he's ever going to get.
"Princess Niara, with the wings of royalty, the tail of a warrior and the mind of a scholar. He'd have wanted you to have the drive to hunt and kill like him, but your mother... Her heart and kindness stopped that being possible. Your dad, Nia, he's not the person you deserve. The only person you will ever need is your mother, she's done such an amazing job with you and she's just going to always say the right thing and keep you going."
Another long pause where I willed myself to wake up, to squeeze his hand, anything to comfort him. But it looked like I was stuck as a vegetable for a while longer. "When I first met you, sassy, incredible, and just 13 years old, you told me that I was your Godfather and the inspiration for your name. Niara, meaning Wanderer. My reaction wasn't flattery, love, it was shock at your mums guess. My name, before I became the Doctor, was Jal. Jal, meaning Wanderer. I don't know if you can even hear this, but if you can, you can't ever tell anyone, alright? It's not my name, my name is Doctor. Oh, Niara, I really hope my fears aren't right at the moment..."
This time the silence didn't break and eventually he went off, patting my hand before he did. I don't know how long it was before I was finally able to move and open my eyes. My body was weak and my chest felt tight but I forced myself to get up and move through the TARDIS corridors to try and find the Doctor.
He was in the console room, fixing something on one of the panels when he heard me come in, the IV stand I'd been using to support myself rattling on the metal grating that made up the floor. "Nia! You're awake!" I nodded, feeling short of breath from the walk here, at the time not knowing about the lung damage. "You should still be resting, you've been in a coma for nearly two weeks."
Silently, I let him help me up onto the jump seat, wearing a pair of Totorro pjs, completely with the fluffy hood. It was safe to say that I kept them. "Nia, you've been out a very long time, giving your body a good amount of time to heal after the operation." I opened my mouth to speak but he didn't give me a chance to. "The laser was strong, but it was slowed by your armour or it would have killed you instantly. But the damage was still extensive. There were... There were things I may not have been able to fix. Do you understand, Nia?"
Nodding, I gave him a weak smile before going to reassure him, to tell the doctor that I was fine, that I was as good as new. My mind formed the words, my muscle memory moved my throat in the right way, but no sound came out. No voice, no words, no anything.
I tried again to get the same results, doing it over and over again until I got hysterical and he wrapped his arms around me to try and calm me down. "I know, I know. The damage to your lung spread to your vocal chords. We did what we could, but it obviously wasn't enough." He told me, stroking my hair as I silently cried into the soldier of his blue pinstriped suit. "It could still heal one day. It could still come back."
It took a while, but eventually I calmed down enough to think straight and pulled back to try and piece together what little sign language I knew. What happens now? Martha went home, you're all alone.
"I'll be fine. But once you're strong enough, I really need to get you back to your mum, love. She's probably going insane right now." I looked down, picking at my nails as I realised it was practically all my fault. I ran away, she would have been terrified when I didn't come home, let alone when she saw the Master holding me on live television. "Hey, it's not your fault. The Master abducted you, love, you running from when Clyde kissed you, that had nothing to do with it."
There are things that I said to Clyde, words that I regret, but I can't even tell them him that I'm sorry because I can't talk. I can't comfort mum during a sad film where an animal dies, or shut Luke up before he embarrasses himself at school. I'll be even more of a freak at school, because I won't even be able to defend myself this time.
The Doctor just gave me a smile and passed me my bag from the Year the Never Was, and my Katana. "Something tells me, Princess Niara, that you'll be able to defend yourself with more than just words. Let someone else help you for once. Come on, one more night of rest on the TARDIS, and you should wake up strong enough to face your mother."
So the next morning, during school hours, the Doctor landed us just outside the house after a police car drove away and the front door had clicked shut. "Come on, love." He smiled, taking my hand as we walked up to the house ourselves, the man looking more terrified of facing the mother of an abducted teen than he had facing the Master. "5 Quid says she at least tries to hit me."
Done.
A tearful, tired woman came to the door, and it took me a long moment to realise that this person, wearing a pair of house pants and one of her old jogging hoodies was my mother. Until her hazel eyes lit up at the sight of me and I was wrapped in the biggest hug I had ever had in my life. All I could do was hug her back, so, so happy to be back in her arms, a soldier coming home from war for the first time in too long. It was all I could do not to just start crying all over again.
"Baby..." She muttered into my hair as the Doctor smiled at the both of us. Then she pulled back from hugging me before checking me over, wings, tail and body, unable to see the scars beneath the surface like I could. Once she was happy that there was nothing urgently wrong with me, she hugged me again. "Where have you been, Niara?! It's been two weeks!"
"Uh, Sarah, I should probably take any questions." The Doctor tried, before quickly ducking as she swung for him. Damn, that was a fiver gone. "Sarah!"
"How dare you take my 14 year old daughter with you against those Toclafane things?! She is a child, Doctor! Niara may be smart and incredible, but she is just a baby, my baby!"
There was a pause, where the Doctor waited to see if she was going to swing for him again, before he sighed. "She's 15, Sarah Jane. Niara is 15 nearly 16 now. I have a lot to tell you, so can we please go inside to talk about this?"
Mum paused herself, before nodding to walk into a house to see Missing posters everywhere, with my face on them. "I didn't know what else to do. The police were being blocked by Torchwood, but Torchwood wouldn't talk to me, so I went to NIT, but not even they could track you after what happened with Saxon."
"Because I took her in the TARDIS. Nia got hurt and I was the only one able to help her." He explained, putting his hands in his pockets as I picked up the book I'd been reading before I left. I couldn't even remember the main characters name. "Sarah, it wasn't her fault. She was abducted by Saxon, the Master, because-"
"What?! The Master was supposed to have dead, you told me he had died! How did he even find out about her?!" She demanded, her arms going back around me as she got panicked again. Her heart... It was so fast... "Why is she a year older if she was just kidnapped? How did I miss a whole year of my daughters life?"
The Doctor glanced at me as I kicked the bag with the Katana in it to the side. Hopefully, she wouldn't notice. "Nia, love, could you go put on the kettle while I talk to your mum? Milk, two sugars in tea or coffee."
Nodding, I escaped the growing tension in the hallways by going into the kitchen, filling the kettle with fresh water and started to make two teas and went on instinct to make a coffee for myself before I paused. So long since I'd been stood in this kitchen and I still had that instant muscle memory of how to make everyones hot drinks. It was scary how you could just fall back into something and forget that the bad ever happened.
But my ears pricked up as I heard mum start to cry. Mum never cried, not since Great Auntie L died.
"Everything she did... Doctor, she's just a child, how could she manage to do all of that?" She was asking him so I crept up to the doorway to look at her on the sofa, crying. I'd forgotten that I'd learnt to walk so silently that I could follow Death in his footsteps and not even he would hear me. "My daughter may be the best at so many things, but she has a habit of being too strong for too long, Doctor. How can she go back to a normal life after fronting a war against the biggest mass murderer since the Dalek's?"
"She can do anything she puts her mind to, but you can't push her to do anything. If she can't face school on a random day of the year, say she's sick. If she's acting up at school, keep her home for a while. If she's impossibly aggressive for no reason, just wait it out and then talk to her. If she won't come out of her room for days, just try and give her the space she needs. It's only if she doesn't eat at all that you worry, though I do know she's a picky eater at the best of times. But I will always come if you need help." Now he sighed, both of them facing away so that they didn't know I was listening in. "The damage, the only physical sign of it, is that when she was shot, her, her lungs and throat were burnt away. She won't be as fast for a long, long time, and she's going to get so short of breath that it's going to start trigger asthma attacks again. And... She can't talk, her vocal chords burnt away completely."
My mother looked at him sharply, before seeing me out of the corner of her eyes. And she looked so lost as to what to do with a mute daughter. "Oh, Baby..."
It doesn't hurt, you know I don't properly feel pain if I don't want to. There's nothing that ca be done, so can we just leave it, please? I just want to forget the last year and get back to normal, OK?
She nodded with a teary smile, before coming around the sofa to hug me again. "Yeah. Yeah, of course, Nia." Mum paused to sniff back more tears and wipe away fallen ones. "I'll uh, I'll have to come up with a story to tell the police about how you got back."
"Leave that to me. I can talk to Jack at Torchwood, get them to release something about Saxon kidnapping smart kids to help with the Archangel Network." The Doctor sniffed, looking close to tears himself. Was it really just because I was like him that he cared about me? "It's the least that I can do, after putting her through all of that. It'll be sorted within an hour."
My heart thudded a little at the idea of him leaving, of not having someone around who knew the extent of what I had done, but I bit back fear and walked over to hug him tight. Mum seemed shocked that I was allowing someone to touch me, but didn't say anything as he hugged me back and kissed my hair. Do you have to go so soon?
He nodded, pulling back to walk out of our lives again. "You know that I don't stay still. I'll check in on you. You might not know that I'm there, but you won't be alone, OK?"
I nodded, my hair falling in front of my face as we waved him into the TARDIS. Mum started to clear away the Missing posters right away, wanting to forget that I'd been missing in the first place, so I just grabbed my bag and told her that I was going to put my things away. Before stopping and closing my eyes, counting to ten so I didn't start to cry again, then signed it to her instead. This was going to take some getting used to...
My room was just as I'd left it, the windows boarded up to stop the light hurting my eyes, books nearly staked or filed, but my clothes were literally everywhere, along with the power tools in various inventions, pens and half broken make up. This was a teenagers room, almost typical for someone 14. It was meant for someone who hadn't just fought in a war and who wasn't now afraid to be left alone in the dark.
I started to clear everything away, my washing all getting put in the basket because I honestly couldn't remember which was the clean patch of floordrobe and which was the dirty before I took down the boards. The windows were dusty, so I carefully started to clean them as I ignored my burning retina's, my room full of natural light for the first time in so many years.
In the corner, there were still tiny little drawings in permanent marker. A tiny me and mum, holding hands with my talk longer than either of us. I'd drawn that the first day we bought the house, because I was happy to be home with my mummy. It had just been us, and we honestly thought that we were enough for each other. Only I grew solitary and cold, mum just going frosty and defensive. We needed Luke, Maria and Clyde, they'd stopped us from being those mad people everyone was afraid of.
Then I opened my bag, taking out my measly food rations to put on my desk, my water canteen, patched up with anything from duct tape to clay when we'd been in Africa. The broken end of my tail when it had been shot off. It was something I'd been planning on burning, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.
And I took my repaired armour from the bag, placing it under my bed, before unsheathing my Katana, holding it carefully down the centre of my face, before swinging it carefully down to slice the top of my coat rack off in a single hit. It was deadly sharp and would never be any other way.
"Oh, wow." Mum whispered, coming in a few minutes after I stashed it in the back of my wardrobe, hiding it with my old hockey stick from before I got banned for hitting the ball so hard it went through the goal. "I've never seen your room so tidy, or so bright. I forgot that it was purple, not black."
I can't be in the dark. So I'll stay in the light even if it hurts.
"Nia, if you can't be in the dark, or, or you can't speak-"
Mum, please, look. I'm not going to do the whole cry and get better thing. We both know that has never been me. What's going to help me is getting back to normal and forgetting the last year existed for me, OK?
She looked at me for a long moment, like she was really lost as to what to do with me before nodding. "Yeah. Yeah, OK. I'll uh, I'll get tea on and make your favourite. How does that sound?"
What was my favourite food? Something that did come from a can, something I hadn't hunted for myself. Yeah, OK.
My mother went to leave the room again, but I grabbed her and gave her a giant hug this time, wishing that I could tell her that I was sorry she was having to deal with things she didn't sign up for when she had me. That I could tell her how for the last year, I'd been fighting for her and Luke, doing whatever it took to make sure I'd see them again. I wanted to tell my mum that I loved her and I was still the same Fledgling, deep down under a war's worth of invisible scars all over my body.
But short of hoping that either of us remembered enough sign language for a full conversations, I just wished that hugging her like I used to as a kid would let her know. It seemed to help at least, and she hugged me back with a kiss to my fluffy, freshly washed hair. God had I missed hot showers and Lush toiletries...
"Oh, Baby... I'm sorry for everything you saw or did." She whispered into my hair, close to tears yet again. "But what you did saved so many lives in the long run. Anyone who was... Hurt, can't even remember it. So forgive yourself. Or if you can't, know that I forgive you myself. My precious Niara."
Mym pulled back and cupped my face softly for a moment, her warm, worn hands stroking my cheekbones before nodding. "That's all I'm going to say on the matter. Can't vouch for your brother not asking constant questions, or Maria and Clyde." And paused again, her hazel eyes looking into my own, identical to hers. "Now, I feel like that might be a whole other topic that I may not be able to skim over, Baby. He told me what happened."
I sighed and moved to sit cross legged on my bed, my tail waving cautiously in the air as mum sat down at my desk. I didn't know how to deal with the emotions, I've never even felt them before, so... I didn't let myself feel them at all. And tried to say things to deter Clyde from liking me.
"Like how you couldn't trust him in case he one day let slip how his girlfriend was an alien butterfly?" She asked with a small smile. "The Doctor also told me what happened, in the Year that was reversed for us, but not you. The Master killed Clyde right in front of you, and you thought that you'd never get to say sorry." I nodded, looking down at my hands as smooth and dainty as they'd been the day I left. "Do you like him, Baby?"
For a moment, I didn't move, thinking of the right signs to explain the words in my head, before giving up and just nodded.
Mum smiled, playing with the ring she'd always had on her thumb. "You've always been so anti-social, I never thought you'd like anyone. It's OK, Nia. If you like him, let him know. If you're worried about your wings, don't do anything in public. Which doesn't mean you can have him here in your room all the time either, if he is ever in here, the door stays open." Which made me laugh a little, before stopping as I realised it was the first time I had laughed in over a year. "Having him around could help, Niara. God knows Maria moving in over the road and bringing Luke with her was the wake up call we needed with our lives. Why don't you go and meet them from school while I get tea going? Tell Maria and Clyde they're welcome to stay as well. It's a celebration of you coming home."
Again, I just nodded, getting to my feet and went to put on my coat, forgetting my wings. So I had to close my eyes and try to remember how to retract my wings and tail. My mind had to be clear, I had to just suppress any and all powerful emotions to the point I felt nearly nothing.
For the first time in a year, I had to hide who I was.
Mum waved me off as I started to walk to Park Vale, my nose buried back in fiction to keep me distracted from the world, from my head, my memories. With my hood up, I stood just outside the school gates a few minutes before the final bell went, not caring that no one paid any attention to me. A few short weeks ago, I saved all their lives, they all knew my name. Now? Now I was just a shadow and that was far better.
Dribs and drabs started to fade out before 3 kids came out, Maria balanced on Clyde's skateboard as he pulled her along, Luke trying to kick along a football, but he really wasn't any good. Oh, God, Clyde... He was alive, and well, and just... The last time I'd seen him he'd been dead in the gravel, because of me, but he was alive.
A few hundred meters away, Luke stopped, staring at me before making Clyde and Maria do the same. "Niara!" He shouted, abandoning the ball and running to hug me. And for the first time ever, I hugged my little brother back so tight my shoulders clicked. "Where have you been? Mum, she was so scared, you just ran and then you were with Saxon, but it was two weeks ago, you just disappeared!"
I looked at him for a moment, before going into his bag to get some paper before turning him round to write on his back. It's hard to explain, Luke. But I'm back, back for good. Not going anywhere again. I don't suppose any of you know sign language, do you?
Clyde nodded, not looking at me, just my note. "Uh, I know a bit, my cousin Damon's deaf, he taught me a bit. But you can hear us, Ni, why are you asking if we know sign language?"
Because my voice has been stolen.
"Your voice is stolen? What do you mean?" He frowned, finally looking up. "Where have you been? Sarah Jane lost her nut, we had to call an ambulance when she nearly didn't stop having a panic attack." Oh, mum... "Does she know you're back?"
I nodded quickly, looking between my brother and his two friends. And started to scribble something down, giving them the story that the nation would hopefully believe about my abduction. How Harold Saxon kidnapped me and a few other super brains to work on the up keep of the Archangel Network. I just wanted to pretend that was what really happened.
They believed me, hugging me again, before I signed to my new translator, Clyde, about the fact that my voicebox got removed to stop me from screaming. It could heal, due to my Stryx DNA, but for the moment, I was left unable to communicate. Like an email of electrical impulses getting lost in my throat so it never made it all the way to the inbox of my mouth.
I got another round of hugs, something I never used to allow because I hated people touching me. I still did, really, I just... For a year, I'd been untouchable and I didn't want to stay that way. Then I took over on the skateboard as we headed home, wishing that I could tell them I'd skated across a minefield in Times Square, grinding along railings and ledges. but I couldn't, all because of one tiny little communication error. I was left unable to tell them what really happened.
Honestly, I had no idea what was worse. The fact that I had walked a war torn Earth, during the Year the Never Was, or the fact that I could tell no one about it.
