Chapter 10: Hikari no Tenshi
"Damn! Don't tell me you're done already!"
"Yup." Yami grinned, handing the books back to their rightful owner. "You're right, I was surprised. A lot of stuff didn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense, but hey, I guess you've gotta know something about Star Wars to understand everything, huh?"
Lukas laughed. "I wouldn't know. I never saw it from that point of view before."
Yami could not help chuckling. "You're really into this stuff, aren't you?"
"Hey, you read the books yourself. What's not to be interested in?"
The girl nodded acknowledgement. "I was personally stunned. I can't deny it. But still, there'll always be a special place in my heart for classic literature. I grew up on it, after all. My mother taught it to me since before I can remember."
"What's your favorite book?"
"Wow! Now there's a question. Why not step outside at night and pick out a favorite star? Well… I guess if I had to choose… I really liked Frankenstein."
"No way! I had to read that last semester — it was torture."
Yami nodded. "Most people think so. I didn't."
"Kind of a miserable book, don't you think?"
"Yes, absolutely. I won't pretend to deny it. But noble at times, don't you think?"
"Noble? What the heck do you mean by 'noble'?"
"Well, admirable."
Lukas laughed. "Oh yeah? Enlighten me — what am I supposed to admire about a guy who creates a monster, who, in turn, kills his creator's family and friends?"
Yami sighed. "I didn't say everything in it was virtuous. It's not."
"Well, tell me. Name one 'admirable' thing."
The girl hesitated. "I don't know exactly… Perhaps the fact that, after everything, Frankenstein's creature still had goodness and love in his heart. 'I shall die, and what I now feel be no longer felt. Soon these burning miseries will be extinct. I shall ascend my funeral pile triumphantly and exult in the agony of the torturing flames. The light of that conflagration will fade away; my ashes will be swept into the sea by the winds. My spirit will sleep in peace, or if it thinks, it will not surely think thus. Farewell.'"
"Oh, that's great," Lukas said sarcastically. "A teenage girl obsessed with death. Very promising."
"Gee, I appreciate it," Yami replied, her sarcasm easily beating his. Lukas laughed at her scowl.
"What's with that face? I was just kidding, Tenshi."
Yami was taken aback. "Wh… what did you just call me?"
Lukas froze. "Huh? Well, uh…" He cleared his throat, blushing. "Angel." Running a hand through his hair, he smiled nervously. "Hikari no Tenshi!"
The very idea of it was shocking to Yami. Angel of light… Could he really picture her that way? Yami averted her eyes, remembering the burden she feared to have brought down upon her friends, whatever it might be, and knew she was no 'angel of light.' "You might want to hold that thought, Lukas. I don't deserve it. I doubt I ever will."
The boy looked confused and more than a little skeptical. "Why not?"
Yami coughed, staring down at the floor. "For reasons you wouldn't understand." With that, the subject ended. No matter how much Lukas tried to press, the sandy-haired teen always managed to maneuver around his inquiries and lead the discussion in another direction. He eventually just gave up, hoping to understand later, should she ever choose to confide in him.
"'I mean, sir, in delay we waste our lights in vain, like lamps by day,'" Lukas quoted. He and Yami had found their own form of entertainment in reciting different Shakespeare plays. When they came to Romeo and Juliet, Lukas had jumped at the part of Mercutio, whom he saw to be the greatest asset of the play. "'Take our good meaning, for our judgment sits five times in that ere once in our five wits.'"
"'And we mean well in going to this mask; but 'tis no wit to go,'" Yami quoted Romeo. Neither used a copy of the play as a prompt — both quoted from memory.
"'Why, may one ask?'"
"'I dream'd a dream tonight.'"
"'And so did I.'"
"'Well, what was yours?'"
"'That dreamers often lie.'"
"'In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.'"
"'O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes in shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an alderman, drawn with a team of little atomies athwart men's noses as they lie asleep; her wagon-spokes made of long spiders' legs, the cover of the wings of grasshoppers, the traces of the smallest spider's web, the collars of the moonshine's watery beams, her whip of cricket's bone, the lash of film, her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat, not so big as a round little worm prick'd from the lazy finger of a maid; her chariot is an empty hazel-nut made by the joiner squirrel or old grub, time out o' mind the fairies' coachmakers. And in this state she gallops night by night through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love; o'er courtiers' knees, that dream on court'sies straight, o'er lawyers' fingers, who straight dream on fees, o'er ladies' lips, who straight on kisses dream, which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues, because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are: sometime she gallops o'er a courtier's nose, and then dreams he of smelling out a suit; and sometime comes she with a tithe-pig's tail tickling a parson's nose as a' lies asleep, then dreams, he of another benefice: sometime she driveth o'er a soldier's neck, and then dreams he of cutting foreign throats, of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades, of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes, and being thus frighted swears a prayer or two and sleeps again. This is that very Mab that plats the manes of horses in the night, and bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs, which once untangled, much misfortune bodes: this is the hag, when maids lie on their backs, that presses them and learns them first to bear, making them women of good carriage: this is she — '"
"'Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace!'" The scene itself, the emotion and hidden truths behind it, held so much meaning for Yami that she began to forget it was merely a scene in a play. "'Thou talk'st of nothing.'"
"'True,'" Lukas replied, a fire and weightiness behind his eyes that suggested that he too had begun to slip from the hold of reality, "'I talk of dreams, which are the children of an idle brain, begot of nothing but vain fantasy, which is as thin of substance as the air and more inconstant than the wind, who woos even now the frozen bosom of the north, and, being anger'd, puffs away from thence, turning his face to the dew-dropping south.'"
The words sounded strange coming from Lukas. They did not fit his personality a bit. He was a dreamer, Yami could tell after knowing him a day. She, on the other hand… she had given up on dreams. So why was Lukas so enamored with Mercutio and she so captivated by the words of Romeo? Perhaps some kind of reverse psychology, she reasoned, each reaching for what they could not attain. But what matter was it all? The world did not seem quite so dark a place when Yami was with Lukas. She almost felt normal. The effect was similar to that which she felt when Serena was around, her happy aura brightening any life she touched. But even then Yami was reminded of what she was — even though she did not really know exactly what she was or what she was destined to do. Or did she have a destiny? Fate was real, she had no doubt of that. But destiny? Some would argue that fate and destiny were one and the same, but Yami did not agree. Fate controlled people, no matter how they fought against it. Anything in contradiction to it was a vain effort. But destiny… it rang with a sort of hope and triumph, a brilliance akin to that of the sun. It seemed to Yami to be the exact opposite of fate in every way that really mattered.
"Got plans for the weekend?" Lukas broke into Yami's thoughts. She jumped, startled, but quickly readjusted to reality.
"Uh, all my friends are going to the beach tomorrow."
"Sounds fun." His voice was cheerful, but she detected a hint of disappointment in it. "What about Sunday?"
"Well, I don't… Wait a second…" A thought suddenly occurred to Yami. "Why aren't you in school?"
Lukas looked away. "I dropped out."
"What? But you are so smart. You should be in school now. What about your future, Lukas?"
For the first time since they'd met, the boy became defensive against her. "Well, what about you?"
It was a good point. The problem was that Yami did not have a good answer for him. "M… my mom used to home-school me."
"What about now?"
"Well… ever since…" She cleared her throat. "I don't know — throwing school into the mix with everything else would just be too much."
"Everything else? Care to elaborate?"
"No."
Lukas looked away again. He seemed embarrassed, maybe a little bit guilty even. "Fair enough. I'm sorry I acted that way."
"Don't be sorry. But you really shouldn't resign yourself to the kind of life you'll have with no education. Someone who can quote Shakespeare like that" — she grinned at her friend — "is destined to do great things."
He looked up at her and saw honesty burning in her eyes. "I've never met anyone like you before," he said softly.
Yami averted her eyes, blushing. "I'll bet you don't even know how true that is."
"I mean it." He leaned forward in his seat, reaching out to lift her chin so their gazes met. "No one has ever… believed in me before."
"What about your parents?"
Lukas shrugged. "They were too wrapped up in their own lives to care. Still are. They don't even know I'm not in school anymore. Never asked. Never once looked at one of my report cards. I always had to forge their signatures on everything. But you… why do you care what happens to me?"
"Why not?" In Yami's gaze, Lukas could see that she really did care. He leaned forward, their faces hovering closer. At first, she seemed to replicate his movement, but as their lips were just a breath apart, she turned away. "I… I'm sorry…" she stuttered softly.
Lukas shook his head, raising a hand to stroke her hair before leaning back again, allotting the girl her space. "No, I should be sorry," he said, averting his eyes, his cheeks tainted pink. Yami felt guilty, but she said nothing. Never had she felt for anyone the way she did for Lukas, but it would not have been fair to him to get involved that way. She suddenly very much wanted to tell him the truth about herself. But what was the truth? She could hardly tell something she did not know.
Everything seemed to be happening so fast. Just a week before Yami had been telling Serena she had no interest in dating. Did she now? No, not really… under normal circumstances. But Lukas was so different…. Just a week and a half ago, she would have allowed herself a relationship without a second thought had she found someone who made her feel this way. But now… after everything…
"Don't be sorry, Lukas," Yami whispered after a minute of silence. "It's just… I… I can't…" She turned away, blinking back tears.
Lukas leaned forward again, covering her hand with his own. "Hey, it's okay. Whatever it is… it's all right." He reached up to stroke her cheek, a motion that both comforted and terrified her. "If you ever want to tell me, I'll understand."
Yami nodded her gratitude, swallowing hard. "Thank you," she whispered. "Maybe someday…"
Lukas nodded, squeezing her hand before releasing it. "You know," he said softly with a small grin, "we haven't gotten to Macbeth yet."
* * * * *
"So, what happened to your hand?" Lukas asked, softly touching Yami's hurt knuckles.
Yami shrugged, closing The Sun Also Rises. "Skateboarding accident," she said casually.
"Those things are dangerous," he said, gently cradling her hand in his own. Yami laughed at the concern in his expression.
"Wanna learn?"
"What?"
"Hey, you two need a blanket or something?"
Lukas looked up, surprised. Yami did not recognize the young man, who looked to be in his mid-twenties, standing a couple of meters away, but Lukas apparently did. As soon he saw the man, he dropped Yami's hand, standing up and taking a menacing step forward, anger evident in his face. "You get the hell out of here!"
The young man laughed. "Hey, it's a public building. I can stay if I want to."
"Well, you'd better stay damn far away from me…."
"Or what? Come and get me, Chibi."
Lukas would have done just that had not Yami sprung from her seat, grabbing hold of him to hold him back. "We'll get thrown out, Lukas. They may not let you come back."
"You stay the hell away from me, dammit," he said under his breath, "or I'll…"
"Hell, why would I want to hang with a baka like you? Your girlfriend, on the other hand…" He reached out to run a hand through Yami's hair, but she recoiled from his touch.
Lukas tried to spring forward again, but Yami held him firmly. "If you touch her, I swear…!"
"Could you please lower your voices?" came a firm, irritated voice, and the three turned to see the librarian scowling at them.
"Gomen nasai," Yami said. "We'll be quiet."
"Dammit, get away from us right now!" Lukas growled, keeping his voice low so that they would not get thrown out.
The man laughed again, leaning forward toward the pair, who in turn moved back. "Be seein' ya." With that, he turned on his heel and left the library.
Lukas glared after him until long after he was gone. "Who was that?" Yami asked as the boy finally began to calm down, sitting once more.
"That was the scum of Japan," he replied. "Jemson Gezunai."
"Scum of Japan?" Lukas averted his eyes. Yami dropped to her knees in from of him, looking up to catch his gaze. "Lukas, you can tell me."
His eyes glistened. "Like you could tell me?" Yami looked away. She was surprised when he actually began to speak, to answer her question. "He raped my cousin. She was like a sister to me." Yami gasped, looking up at him. There were tears in his eyes, tears that had remained unshed for far too long and that he still did not let fall. "She never really recovered. We went to the authorities, but he wasn't convicted. All I can say is he's got some friends in high places. My cousin killed herself less than a month after the trial."
Yami could feel a tear slide down her cheek. She reached up to wrap her arms around Lukas's neck, resting her head on his shoulder, embracing him tightly. "I'm sorry…" she said softly, her voice breaking. It seemed so pitiful, the words so empty after all he had been through, but he seemed comforted nonetheless. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, a single tear finally escaped his eyes, falling down into Yami's sandy hair.
Having finally told someone seemed to have broken some kind of barrier inside. No longer able to keep the pain bottled, he began crying openly, sobs wracking his body as the tears spilled unchecked down his cheeks. Never had he had a shoulder to cry on…. He'd never known he needed one. Resting his head on top of Yami's, he allowed his emotions to reveal themselves from the deepest parts of his heart for the first time ever, and for the first time in years, he allowed himself to cry.
"Arigatou, Hikari no Tenshi."
* * * * *
The dream came again that night. The voice was there, as always, but the words did not matter so much as the voice's presence, the constant blunt pain, the cold, the fire, and the silhouetted figure standing over Yami once again. The hissing voice and the throbbing pain became more intense, and suddenly images began flashing in Yami's mind. She saw a stone. It was shaped much like an oblong crystal, with uneven edges that had no apparent pattern. It was ebony black, and the smooth surfaces glistened in the firelight.
She saw a magnificent kingdom located on the moon. She saw a beautiful princess in a white gown, with the symbol of a crescent moon on her forehead. The girl's long golden hair flowed to her ankles, and she was wrapped warmly in the arms of a handsome prince, her one true love. Yami recognized the two — they were Serena and Darien, but different. Their names were Serenity and Endymion.
She saw the dark alleyway, cold and lonely in the middle of the night. She felt that somehow something had begun that night. Something had been set into motion that she was powerless to stop. Whatever had gone before that seemed like an entirely different reality, an entirely different lifetime. Maybe it was.
Then there was Sailor Moon. The warrior of justice and love stood up against evil. What evil, Yami did not know, but that did not matter particularly. But then the young soldier's expression changed to one of fear, despair, and… pain? She fell to her knees, her hands covering her heart. Her mouth was open in a scream, though Yami could not hear anything. Yami cried out for her friend, reaching out to help her in some way, any way. But they seemed to exist in different realities. Never, even if she ran a million miles, could Yami reach her friend's side. Then she had the feeling of being pulled away, as if by a vacuum. She cried out, stretching her hand toward Serena, but still the girl slipped away. Just before she was out of sight, Yami saw her collapse onto the ground, dying or already dead.
All quickly became total darkness, and Yami had the dreadful, cold feeling of being completely alone.
