Lily's words drop like dead weight, her face falling with them, and no amount of backpedaling can fix something so far beyond repair. The air is thick with tension. His reaction is instinctive, a reflex. It's his job. Disarm. Distract. Diffuse the situation. Ever since he was a child.

"Wow, that was really awkward Lil. And still, it's still really awkward right now." She deals a scorching glare and a sharp blow to his shin. Maybe he's a little rusty. But she's teetering on the precipice and Ted is pondering his nail beds. Take two.

"Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do?"

"Okay. Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me."

He chuckles, glances right. The dregs of her drink can't possibly be that interesting. Floods of guilt and hurt. The dams are about to break. He traces circles on her shoulder with his thumb, so gently even she doesn't notice at first.

"Lil, you know I can't promise that." A smile, a spasm of something like laughter. Close enough.


"I never got to go to my prom. We always had field hockey nationals in the spring." Teed up beautifully. He can't help himself.

"Bhuhhhuh. Lesbian."

"The cough is supposed to cover the lesbian." So there is some fight left after all.

"I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate."

He steps outside to make a call. Guy the guy guy has a florist who owes him a favor.


"Now you ladies look good, but your outfits are missing just one thing."

"No, Barney. This is as far as we're going to go." He can't stop smiling because she couldn't be more wrong. "I'm not showing any more -"

"Two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers." Because she's never been to prom before and there was no reason for him to buy a corsage last time.


The phone rings. 12:30 AM. He's sorry but he only has one phone call and he doesn't want to waste it, just in case Ted hasn't forgotten about Mary the Paralegal.

She posts bail for resisting arrest and grand theft turtle, but all he'll say when she asks about a hearing is, "Please." He knows a guy.

Merciless ridicule, no holds barred, and he wonders if he would have been better off spending the night in jail. But it's New Jersey and his cell mate had a neck tattoo.

She drops him off on a street corner and he walks the last three blocks to his building. She's already seen too much.