McKay's words were still ringing around his head. After what had happened when she had almost drowned he believed there was trouble for them if they weren't careful, link depleting or not.
And it was because of that thought going over and over in his mind that he had locked himself in his quarters. With a stack of magazines and a play list as long as his arm he hoped he could see this out as quickly as possible. The looks on every one of the faces in that room had burnt into his mind. Each of them had been concerned with a mix of disbelief, upset, even anger tossed in. This was more than just the Ancients playing around to better themselves. This was another thing they should have destroyed.
He'd sat with his headphones in his hands, the unopened magazine sat beside him for some time waiting for his door to chime. He knew it would and knew exactly who it would be. Looking at the door he almost willed for it to chime signalling his guest. As if on cue the chime did sound ringing around the room. Placing the headphones down beside his laptop he quickly crossed to the door opening it in time to find Merry with her hand poised over the door control looking beyond stunned.
He glanced at the door control giving it a questioning glance. Shaking off the shiver that raced down his spine he returned her awkward smile walking away from the door. The moment was so similar to just a few hours ago their roles reversed. He shifted the stack of magazines from his comfy chair offering her somewhere to sit whilst he pulled out his desk chair sitting himself closely to her.
"I thought Dr McKay was lying to me when he said you had locked yourself away."
"You went to see McKay?" He was purely shocked. The two of them could become volatile together under the circumstances and that was a scary thought.
"Yeah. I wanted to look over the files."
"Bet he took that well."
"There was some shouting and some name calling. He had a few things to say as well." He snorted at that. The image of the two of them bickering toe to toe was easy to conjure up. He didn't doubt for a moment that Zelenka'd had a ball watching the two of them unaware of the fact they looked the same when they fought.
"What is it with you two?" Her laugh was light and genuine.
"I don't know. I think I remind him of Dr Jackson. Not sure whether to feel complimented or insulted."
"That's a McKay compliment."
"You think?"
"I know." The heavy silence that came after that was hard. He didn't want this discussion. He was more than happy to brush it under the carpet and forget about it but he wasn't really sure just what she wanted. There was no clear feeling from her just a giant never ending tangle that was warping with his own. These were the conversations he wanted to avoid, the moments he was desperate to never happen."If we're going to have this conversation I need a drink."
Getting up he crossed to the small fridge in the corner pulling out three bottles before letting the door close itself. Passing her a bottle he was surprised to see her accept it taking a mouthful instantly."We could ignore it. I'm all for ignoring it." She took another drink her eyes looking everywhere but him.
Sitting heavily in his chair he found himself doing the same. Downing one bottle he opened another taking a more reserved drink before setting his elbows on his knees leaning his body towards hers. He turned the bottle around and around his eyes focussed on the label's design."I'm good at that." He was still looking at the bottle avoiding looking at her. He would have to he knew that but the longer he could put it off the better.
"I know." His eyes broke away from the bottle watching her stare out of the window. With the angle of her head and the dwindling light from outside he could see the dark circles under her eyes that she had hidden so well. He didn't know why she wouldn't have been sleeping to that extent. Some of his dreams would have inevitably crossed to her, they had proved that last night but she looked weary much more than she should, the light greying her skin.
Mind chasing after thoughts he wondered if it was possible he had sent her more than he realised, that his own self had crossed to her. His emotions were bottled up tight the thought of them free, threatening to overpower him was a nightmare he wasn't ready to present to himself. Nor did he want to have everything psychoanalysed, something she would no doubt do. They were all just best kept the way that they are.
Her gaze became faraway, distant as though losing herself in something other than the clouds that were filling the sky. Her fingers raked through her hair, loose tendrils catching as they were pulled back exposing her full face and neck to the dull light. There on her face he saw the guilt, the pain and the sadness that he had denied existed inside of him. That weariness that he denied existed in every scrap of him was in every line of her face. There plain as day was his proof.
"You carry a lot of guilt, John. I don't know what it's from but there's a lot of it. I'm sure if I asked people they would all tell me a different story. A loss, something that went wrong, something you had to do." Had the room not been so still he was sure he wouldn't have heard a single word that left her mouth. The words were almost not meant to be heard but desperately needed to be spoken."The first time I felt it I thought I was still in that crevice, the water pushing into me, trapping me, stopping me from breathing. It was so intense I thought something had happened but you had just been sat in the mess hall having breakfast."
"But that was nothing to the pain. That was so strong it crippled me. I collapsed in a heap beside my bed. There was this huge gaping hole in my chest that ached so much. I couldn't feel my heart beating, I didn't even know if I was breathing. I was too scared to move. Just thinking about moving terrified me because I thought it would make the pain worse and I wasn't sure I could take anymore." He could hear and feel how breathless she was getting just speaking about it his own chest pinching a fraction. Right along with her he could feel it all, the feelings too familiar not to.
He watched her take a drink the movement slow, precise her throat exposed as she swallowed. Her eyes fell to the bottle, fingers picking at the edges. Eyes transfixed he almost missed the fact she was speaking again. "It faded though. Left me a tear soaked mess on the floor but it went away. I couldn't make it through that little bit of time. You get up everyday with that. I don't know how the hell you do but I think the city is still here because you do." He wasn't sure why but he reached out his thumb wiping away a tear that had broken free all the feeling slipping away as the wetness touched his thumb's pad.
For some reason everything he thought would happen, everything he thought he would feel when he realized she had seen inside of him just wasn't there. He didn't know what was there. He had no clue how to feel. To hear it all spoken aloud by someone else, someone who could actually feel it was bizarre and a little unnerving but at the same time he found himself slightly awed. She had felt it all and never said anything. Never confronted him or tattled behind his back. All she had done was tucked it aside."I."
"We all carry things, John. Thing people don't understand things that would probably be healthier to deal with and move on but they become part of you. They're almost security against everything. Without them we wouldn't be who we are now."The way she looked at him red rimmed eyes full of anguish, swirling her beer around he knew what else she had felt, what she knew. His stomach clenched, his heart threatening to stop with every breaking beat. When she stood delicately placing the bottle on the shelf beside her chair, he felt himself stiffen. He wasn't sure what she was going to do and right at this moment the thought of her touching him made him want to move to the other side of the room, to the other side of the city. His whole being threatened to shatter with just one move.
But she passed him by, close enough to have his back straighten even more but still safely enough away. Whether that was for her or for him he didn't know. Silently she made her way to the door. There wasn't even the faintest rustle of her clothing. Later he might wonder who taught her to do that but right now he was holding on too tightly.
As the doors opened he waited, breath held in his chest, for the signal that she was gone. Back still to the door he tilted his head able to see her body silhouetted with the light from the hallway. He wasn't sure what she was waiting for but he needed her to move, to leave.
"I." He could feel how much she needed to say whatever it was. He only hoped it wasn't what he thought it could be. "I don't know who it was but I… I hope there was some happiness there for you to make it worth it."
As the doors closed shutting out the light the bottle slipped from his fingers the small amount of beer spilling out onto the floor as the bottle danced. He stared at it feeling like his insides were doing the same. He hadn't needed to see her or even have the link to know how upset she had been, how much saying those words out loud had hurt her as much as they had hurt him. Reaching for the bottle he gripped the neck in his fingertips a few droplets landing on his fingers as he lifted it up, the puddle forgotten.
He couldn't think of her. Didn't want to think about the chances he had lost as the years had rolled along. It hurt now as much as it at hurt then, memories slipping through his fingers, opportunities now lost to the wind. If he thought about it too much happiness would always seem out of reach. The image of her happy, smiling would always stab at his heart but he knew it was his own fault. He was the one who waited, who held back when he should have reached forward and taken what he wanted. Now his hands were empty, unable to grasp her for himself. Now he had a hollow part of himself that would sit and wait for her to come and fill it.
Taking a deep breath he banished away the thoughts relishing the lightness in his chest for as brief as it was there. Slumping back in the chair letting his head fall back eyes falling shut. Every inch of his body was battling itself. Each part wanted to melt away into a lump to not rise from that spot until everything was over and done with. But the other side was warring with thoughts and emotions unleashed by just a few softly spoken words. That part was tense and hard, coiled around itself until it imploded into nothingness.
Forcing himself up he caught himself as the chair rolled back. He could feel the battle still raging on his mind fighting for clarity with each breath pushed into his lungs. His gaze was fixed on his hand watching his thumb scratch into the label until he reached the bottle beneath. Watching the tendons flex under his skin the haunting image of his hand being gone flickered in his mind.
Still staring at the balding bottle he replayed that whole day in his head. The freedom of the flight even with the never ending botany chatter that even now made his head ache with all the Latin, with the now obvious one sided flirting that quickly turned to disappointment becoming what was still the day from hell. Being tormented and beaten by an enemy long thought dead had made him question himself, question his sanity for a heart beat before he felt the fist connect with his cheek. Beyond that had been the pain of failure to protect his charges before his own physical torture began. It was almost a reprieve to have the outside match the inside. The pain hadn't quite lived up to the soul crushing one that he carried inside until that moment.
When he saw what Koyla was intending to do he felt everything crash in on him. He was still challenging him, mentally goading him even though he knew it would mean an end to everything that he held close, everything that had value. His career, flying, the city but most of all the dysfunctional group he called family would all be gone yet some tiny speck of him welcomed it. Some miniscule part of him thought it was justified, that somehow the physical loss would account for something, anything that he kept buried deep within. That all the guilt and anguish and torment would be accounted for, that every loss and failure could be seen by all allowing him to just let go, to no longer feel smothered by the blame. Above all else he felt like he deserved it.
Listening to the AIs words stood up on the cliff top his hand miraculously never lost he had been at a loss. The thought that he had chosen to torture himself in such a brutal way, to have forced upon himself the destruction of his whole life left him baffled. He was still slightly confused by it. For a few days he mulled over what had happened but inevitably it had been locked away. Until now apparently.
The built up resentment and anger at himself, at the Sakaris for their games, at that smug look on Koyla's face exploded in his chest. He was up on his feet the bottle leaving his hand heading towards the wall with every ounce of strength in him. The sound of the bottle crashing into the wall did nothing to soothe him. The sweet clinking of the shards hitting the furniture and floor smashing further filled the room for a few brief moments until the silence took over once again.
Stood looking at the wall he tried to calm his thundering heart. His whole body was moving with every panting breath he took rocking him as he stood poised. He shuffled his feet intent on throwing himself down into a chair but the scraping sound of glass shards moving together made him stop. Looking down he was transfixed by the coloured pieces each one catching the faint light just a touch.
With a sigh born of a weariness he hated he walked over to his boots ignoring the pinch of broken glass into his bare feet. He wanted out of that room, away to somewhere he could lose himself or maybe find himself again.
A/N: So even though I had decided to take a break until the baby is born I've still been working on this hoping to give my Swiss cheese brain something to do. This is what came from it. I'm still not fully happy with it and I've found myself questioning why I started writing it in the first place. I'm partially blaming my hormones and the rest I'm laying at the door of not having fully completed it before I started posting, something I'm not keen on doing.
I was going to save this so I had a buffer for myself but since today is my due date and I'm feeling odd about it I decided it couldn't hurt.
Thank you to anyone still reading. I'm making no promises but one way or another this thing will come to an end. Thank you again
