WARPED

Chapter 11

Jocelyn woke up, rubbed her eyes, fell out of bed, and made her way to the door. She stumbled down the stairs, still half asleep, and ran through her schedule in her head. Stringshistoryspanishbiogymlunchlitstudyhallmathbandcry. The stairs seemed longer than usual this morning, (and who put that wall there?) so it was somewhat of a relief when Jocelyn finally made it to the kitchen, as Jocelyn was no fan of physical exertion.

Pouring some milk and cereal, Jocelyn said groggily, "Hey Mom, don't forget I have band after school today, and then my viola lesson right after that. And you might want to get some more milk, this milk tastes kinda…" Jocelyn trailed off as she realized something important.

Firstly, this wasn't her house.

Secondly, this wasn't her regular bowl of Lucky Charms.

Thirdly, the person sitting across from her wasn't her mom.

"What are you babblin' about, kid?" asked Stan grumpily scratching his back.

"Spoiled," Jocelyn finished.

At that moment, Hazelle came downstairs, putting on her glasses. "Good morning everyone—"

"WOAH!" Jocelyn screamed.

"There is no amount of coffee in the world to make you tolerable," Stan groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Jocelyn," Hazelle complained, "is there really a good reason to yell this early in the morning?"

"WE'RE STILL HERE! IT WASN'T A DREAM!"

"Well, we know Jocelyn's awake," Dipper commented dryly, coming down the stairs and popping his head in the fridge, looking for food he knew wasn't there.

"Don't forget about Mabel!" added Mabel, entering with Waddles and a cheery, braces-filled grin.

Jocelyn stared around at the Pines family in awe. THEY'RE REAL, she thought, a balloon of elation inflating in her chest. "You're really real!" she cried.

"Good God, Joss, we get it."

Jocelyn frowned at Lucy as she skulked into the kitchen. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was sheet white against her dark curly hair. She grimaced at the group, rubbing her arms. "Guess I was the last up?"

Jocelyn's eyes flashed, and the lights in the kitchen flickered. She still hadn't forgotten about their argument from yesterday, and in that moment, Lucy's bad attitude was a storm cloud on her perfect day. She regarded Lucy coolly, deciding not to say anything.

"Um, morning, Lucy," Hazelle said, exchanging a glance with Dipper. "How'd you sleep?"

"Awful." Lucy pursed her lips and analyzed every corner of the kitchen with skepticism, like she thought it was going to fall apart at any second and reveal the real world.

"Yeah, the chair'll do that," Stan commented, sipping his coffee. "My back's knots have knots 'cause of that stupid excuse for furniture."

"No, no, it wasn't the chair. I think." Lucy sighed. "I just had some weird dreams, is all."

Jocelyn looked at Hazelle, and Hazelle looked at Dipper.

"Lucy—" Hazelle started.

"Never mind. I don't want to talk about it," grumbled Lucy.

"Moving on," Mabel cut in. "Grunkle Stan, can we make pancakes for breakfast?"

"Uhhh…" Stan stared pointedly at the fridge. "No dice, hun. We're missin' a couple ingredients."

"Like what?" Mabel asked.

"Um…all of them," Stan said.

"We could go to Greasy's," Dipper suggested.

"Eh, I dunno." Stan scrutinized Hazelle, Jocelyn, and Lucy, but not unkindly. "I don't think I have enough Stanbucks for all of us."

"We can pay for ourselves!" Jocelyn said, grinning at her friends. "Right, guys?"

"Absolutely," Hazelle said.

Lucy shrugged.

"Well, alright!" Stan burst from his chair, pointing to the ceiling. "To the creaky old diner in town that probably doesn't serve edible food!"

"HOORAY!" Jocelyn cheered.

XxX

Because Hazelle, Jocelyn, and Lucy came to Gravity Falls with nothing but the clothes on their backs, Mabel was quick to jump in and offer fashion tips.

"I wouldn't expect you guys to want to take on the fashion challenge that is my sweaters," Mabel explained in the twins' bedroom, "due to the fact that it takes a true hawt mama to work 'em. But, a girl's gotta have backup, amiright?"

The girls wore the same jeans that had arrived with (Jocelyn skinny, Hazelle bootcut, and Lucy in flared), but Mabel gave each of them a plain T-shirt: Jocelyn got light blue, Hazelle got orange, and Lucy got dark purple. Looking in the mirror, Jocelyn randomly got really excited: she was wearing one of Mabel's T-shirts!

"This is the most fun I've had in a while," she confided in Mabel.

Mabel snapped her fingers and smirked. "With the power of Mabel, everything is fun."

"Are you people done up there?" Stan called. "I'm not against leaving you here to scavenge for yourselves!"

Cramming into the back of El Diablo with a smug Mabel riding shotgun, Stan began the trek to Greasy's Diner.

"Why does Mabel get shotgun?" whined Dipper from the back.

"I'm not riding shotgun," Mabel said, smiling innocently. "I'm riding shotfun!"

Next to Dipper, Jocelyn burst into laughter. "Boosh!"

They arrived at Greasy's around 10:30AM. Jocelyn got starry-eyed when it was Lazy Susan herself who showed them to two back-t0-back booths: Mabel, Dipper, and Stan at one, and Jocelyn, Lucy, and Hazelle at another.

"You're Lazy Susan!" piped Jocelyn.

Lazy Susan blinked her one good eye. "Hiya, stranger child! You kinda look like my cat!"

"I do?" Jocelyn asked, excited. "Which one? Of, um, however many you have," she covered up quickly, realizing Lazy Susan had no idea who Jocelyn was.

"The one that jumped off my roof and ran away!" Lazy Susan replied. "Now, can I get you she-children any drinkable food?"

It took them a second. "Oh! Drinks!" Hazelle laughed, rubbing the back of her neck. "You, uh, you mean drinks—uh yeah, I'll take some orange juice, please."

"Water, please," Lucy said tersely.

"Ma'am, I'll take your finest chocolate milk!" Jocelyn announced. "Along with the coolest, zaniest straw you've got!"

"I'll have to check first that we even have zany straws!" Lazy Susan lifted her limp eyelid. "Wink."

Jocelyn squealed as the waitress walked away. "She did the wink," she hissed at her friends in glee.

Hazelle laughed. "It's even funnier in person."

"Guys." Lucy frowned at them, chin resting in her palm. "Don't laugh! This is weird."

"Weird? Of course it's weird!" Jocelyn made a grand gesture, as if showing off the diner to tourists. "It's Gravity Falls, Luce! Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I'm not surprised that it's weird!" Lucy shot back. "I'm surprised with how easily you're going along with it! Joss, this isn't our home."

"I…I know that." And deep, deep, painstakingly deep down, she did. But she didn't want to. "But we obviously don't have any plans to go home yet! We don't even know how. I'm just trying to fit in! Enjoy myself! Have fun!" She leaned back in her seat, the cushion of the booth pressing into her shoulder blades. "Maybe you should try it."

Hazelle glanced between them, at a loss. Jocelyn only felt a little bad at putting Hazelle in the middle—Hazelle was almost always in the middle. She was the peacekeeper, and sometimes the only thing keeping Jocelyn from committing homicides.

Then Hazelle perked, pointing to the other side of the diner. "Guys! Look! Old Man McGucket!"

Jocelyn snapped her head to the side. Hazelle was right. Old Man McGucket had entered Greasy's, in all his spoon-slapping, gap-toothed glory. He went right to the counter, plopping down into a swiveling toadstool and ordering a glass of kiwi juice in his usual loud, glass-breaking voice.

"Old Man McGucket," Jocelyn whispered, starstruck.

"Kiwi juice?" Hazelle asked, smirking slightly. "That's a new little tidbit."

"Let's invite him to sit with us!" Jocelyn suggested, bouncing in her seat.

"Ohhhh no." Stan peered over the other side of Lucy's booth, where he was sitting with Mabel and Dipper. He jabbed a finger at Jocelyn. "You girls stay away from that loon."

"But wwhhhhhyyyy?" Jocelyn whined.

Stan pinched the space between his eyebrows and shut his eyes. "Look, girls, I've lived in this town for a good while now. Probably for way too long, if you ask me, but it's a good place to hide from the cops—I mean, it's a good location for business. And there're some crackpots here that you just shouldn't talk to. But him? He's king of the crackpots. I've already got trouble tryin' to keep these two away from him—"he threw a thumb over his shoulder at Mabel and Dipper, who were having a bubble blowing contest with their chocolate milk—"so let this be a warning—"

Stan frowned when he realized Jocelyn had already run off to talk to McGucket. "Eh. I tried," he told Hazelle and Lucy.

Jocelyn threw herself into the seat next to McGucket, beaming up at him. "Hi!"

"Banjo polish!" McGucket yelled. "Ya'll went and gave me a heart assault!"

Jocrlyn raised an eyebrow. "Do you mean 'heart attack'?"

"You can change the name, but you can't change my pain!"

"Fair point."

"Are you a baby donkey?" McGucket asked.

"No, I'm a girl! The new girl, to be precise. I'm Jocelyn."

"Well, salutations, Jocibine! I'm Old Man McGucket, local kook."

"It's Jocelyn," she corrected. "And hi!"

"Why'd ya scrap-doodle over here?" McGucket asked.

"I wanted to talk to you!" Jocelyn replied, clasping her hands together. "You, um, looked interesting."

"Only three of my teeth are real!" McGucket professed, downing his kiwi juice. "Betcha can't guess which ones."

"You'd win that bet," Jocelyn said. She could see her reflection in his gold tooth.

"Also, my all-time children-scaring record is twenty-six!"

"All at once?"

"I accidentally drove my son's truck into the schoolhouse!"

"Awesome!"

"You bet your bottom dollar it was, Jojika!"

"What—that sounds nothing like Jocelyn!" Jocelyn laughed, clutching her stomach.

"Um…Joss?" Hazelle approached warily, like McGucket was going to reach out and bite her—he might, for all I know, thought Jocelyn. "Lazy Susan's back with our drinks."

"Okay!" Jocelyn hopped out of her seat and waved to McGucket. "It was nice meeting you! Maybe I'll see you around town!"

"If not, then you'll see me in your nightmares!" said McGucket before turning to his pancakes.

"I'll be looking forward to it," Jocelyn promised.

Back at the table, Lazy Susan had placed a tall glass filled to the brim with chocolate milk with a pink crazy straw. "The craziest I could find!" Lazy Susan said. "I didn't know it was a straw at first, though. I thought it was pink marker drawn on the sink."

"It's perfect!" said Jocelyn, taking a sip.

The rest of breakfast went well, in Jocelyn's opinion. The diner wasn't crowded so they got their food quickly, Jocelyn loving every bite. Lucy seemed apprehensive, considering she didn't even consider it real food, but she ate anyway.

After they paid (Stan ushering them out in a rush to avoid Lazy Susan slipping him her number for the seventh time that month), they loitered out front for a minute, discussing their plans for the rest of the day.

"It's still kinda early," Stan commented, taking a glance at Dipper's wristwatch without Dipper's permission. "I'll need you kids at the Shack for business, but a couple hours of free time won't hurt."

"Hooray!" Mabel said. "So what should we do in the meantime?"

Lucy opened her mouth, but Jocelyn beat her to it. "Let's go on an adventure!"

For the billionth time since they'd arrived, Hazelle and Dipper exchanged a glance. Jocelyn was sure they were always on the exact same sweaty-palmed wavelength.

"I'm in," Hazelle said, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Anything in the journal we could check out, Dipper?"

Dipper scanned through the pages, sticking his tongue out and hmming to himself. "Oh! Well…" He turned the book so everyone could see (with the exception of Stan, who was on the phone with Soos, giving instructions on how to open the Shack). "There's this."

The journal entry was titled Squash with Human Face and Emotions and detailed a vertical, misshapen fruit with a human face. Some other squiggles and notes were scrawled around it, but Jocelyn didn't have the attention span to read them all.

"I've never bothered with this one before," Dipper admitted, fixing his hat. "But, I mean, we have a few hours to kill…"

"Guys," Jocelyn said with seriousness. "Do you know what this means?"

Mabel's grin was going to split her face open. She began to chant at the exact same time as Jocelyn.

"MONSTER HUNT! MONSTER HUNT!"