"Please Dana," my mother insisted: "Don't do this to yourself."
"It's my body," I argued her: "I can do what I want with it."
"Scully, you can't," Skinner took her side: "He was your partner!"
"He IS my partner! And he left this to ME!"
"He's gone, darling," mom said: "It doesn't matter to him now. Be reasonable."
"Listen to your mother, Scully! You can't do this alone."
"Leave me alone, both of you!"
"Scully…"
"Dana…"
"Don't tell me what I can or can't do! I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. And don't tell me to be reasonable! That's the last thing he would want from me!"
"He would want to know the answers," Skinner said: "Autopsy can provide them for us, you know that better than anybody. We need to know what killed him."
"I know what killed him," I disagreed: "He was terminally ill. He wasn't killed by your aliens and I'm not opening him up to prove it to you. His body belongs to me now and I won't let anybody touch him again. I won't let anybody come near him! He's suffered enough."
I was exhausted by the time they left. I had to promise both of them to call as soon I'm done in order to get rid of them. I appreciated their help with funeral and wake arrangements, but this was something I had to do by myself.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second, before opening the freezer and pulling Mulder out of it. He was a mess and I had lots of work to do in order to make him presentable. I was determined to have him in open casket, to be able to look at him as long as possible. He would want to have a clear view at his funeral service too, I believed.
Tears started to flood my face and I wiped them immediately, pulling myself together. I will have the rest of my life to cry, but I will never have another evening with him. This was the last one.
Having Mulder's dead body on the table in front of me was more than I could hope for. It was highly unlikely to happen, since he was missing for so long. I had no hope of seeing him alive again, and even seeing him dead was a miracle. A painful, heartbreaking miracle.
I started to clean him, slowly, carefully, taking all the time in the world. There wasn't a single spot on his body that I left untouched, memorizing every muscle, every hair, every bruise... I was sure the smell of his skin and the coldness of it would haunt me forever.
He was so cold, much colder than I was that night in Bellefleur and I wanted to lie on the table with him to warm him up, to give him back some of the warmth he gave me then.
What have you done Mulder? Where did you go? How did you manage to get rid of Skinner and convince him it was aliens? Was that your idea of going out in style? Was dying in my arms just too ordinary for your taste?
If only I could see your eyes, your beautiful tortured eyes that carried the mysteries of the world in their depths. If only I could lose myself in their warmth, just once again…
Goodbye, my friend.
What happened between then and the funeral I can't recall. I was too numb for anything to reach me, I functioned on auto pilot. But when it came to the funeral I was fully alert again. Everything had to be perfect and it almost was.
I did hurt my brother, though. I attacked him after his comment that he hopes I will get a normal partner this time, one who would never put me through… I don't know through what since I didn't let him finish the sentence and it took all three of Lone Gunmen plus Skinner to separate us.
That from the one brother who did bother to show up…
Everybody seemed to be afraid of coming close to me afterwards, but I didn't mind, I even preferred it that way. Even if anybody could be of any comfort to me, I didn't want it, I didn't deserve it. My partner was dead and even though I didn't cause his death I didn't prevent it either. There probably wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it.
But what if there was?
I walked to my body - Mulder's body - one last time and as I lightly stroked his hair I lowered my lips on his for one long last kiss. I wanted him to know he had that. I wanted everybody around us to know that he had that.
My tears fell on his face, but this time it didn't wake him. My kiss didn't wake him.
I smiled fondly and whispered, since this part was only for him to hear: "Do you mind if I name your baby Fox?"
If that doesn't wake him, nothing will! It didn't, of course. I closed the casket and my heart went to the ground with him, but I had another heart to keep me going, another heart that was already beating inside me…
