Danke shon for being lovely readers. Enjoy chapter eleven.

After my sobbing confession about Amy dying, the doctors had rushed in, chastised Don for bringing up topics that would arouse my emotions, and knocked me out with some drug via the IV. My eyelids fluttered open, taking in the porcelain-colored walls, the clear glass one, the bed... and Don. He hadn't left my side yet. Our hands were still laced together, and his head rested rest beside my stomach, eyes closed.

He was asleep. His deep, even breathing proved that. I studied his features, normally so intense when he was awake, softened by sleep. My eyes traced every groove of his face and never found myself getting bored. It was a lot like studying a roadmap, only a lot more interesting. I could've stared at him forever, until I felt his fingers flutter slightly around mine. He slowly became conscious, and I was fascinated by his features re-righting themselves, his ice blue eyes becoming aware of everything. "Good morning," I said with a small smile.

He still looked a little groggy from sleep, his eyes half closed. "How long have I been out?"

"Good question."

He was silent for a moment before a smile crossed his face. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"Maybe." My vague answer confirmed it and he gave a small laugh.

"Not creepy at all."

"Well, who said I was trying to be creepy? You're kind of cute when you sleep." I answered with a giggle.

"Cute? Did you just call me cute?"

I laughed for real, ignoring the pain in my ribs as I did so. "I actually said 'kind of cute,' by the way. But really, what's so bad about being cute?"

He snorted. "Well, I don't know. It makes me think that you see me as a kitten or a baby monkey or something."

"You're a bit sexier than a monkey," I told him as if it was plain as day. Which it was.

I had a feeling he was about to throw out a witty comeback, but instead we sat in a heavy silence, each of us searching for something in each others eyes. I reached out and brushed a bandaged hand against his face, my fingers trailing along his smooth skin. I withdrew my hand, holding his gaze.

"Jess, what happened to you after Amy...?" he asked me gently, his voice smooth as silk against my skin. I knew he didn't want to say the words 'was killed' or 'was murdered' I'd probably have cried again if he did, and he knew that, somehow.

"I just couldn't believe what happened. She was so young, and suddenly I'm staring at her in a pool of her own blood. Shay was all, 'I'm going to have to kill you, too.' He searched my apartment, found all the drugs I was supposed to be delivering, and all of the evidence that I was an undercover cop."

I heard a sharp intake of breath from Don. "What did he do, Jess?" I knew he knew. I knew he knew that Shay raped me. It didn't seem final though, as though if I never said the actual words, it would just be buried, and would've never happened. I could forget. But the events kept playing in my mind, over and over. It was as though Shay was laying right next to me. I could feel his presence. I could feel him inside of me. Tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill over. I tried to keep my control. Don't say it, Jess. It never happened. If you don't say it, it never happened. It was not rational, nor was it the real Jess. The real Jess was locked up inside, where she'd been since the rape. And boy, did she want to kick my ass. I wanted to free the real Jess, the Jess who was strong, the Jess who wasn't terrified of every sudden movement, or every person touching her. I tried to find the door to Jess's prison, but I couldn't. I couldn't let her out.

"He raped me." The admittance opened the floodgates. I heard my heart monitor going crazy, and I had no doubt that the doctors would rush in soon with some medication to knock me out again. I wanted to just curl up on my bed and just let my emotions consume me. Sitting up, I pulled my knees to my chest. It caused a lot of complaints from my injuries, but I ignored them and sobbed into my arms.

I felt Don's arms circling me, and I loosened my death grip on my knees, and leaned into him, my tears soaking into the fabric of the same shirt that he'd worn when he'd taken me to the hospital, still stained in my blood. I felt the sensation of being rocked gently back and forth, and I looked through my tearful haze at Don's face. It was marred with anger, sadness, shock concern, and compassion. I even noticed a few tears in his eyes. I'd never known him as a man to cry. And he was reduced to it by me. I knew he wouldn't think of it that way, but for some reason, I felt guilty for making him worry so much over me. I wasn't that important. I heard a small herd of doctors crash through the door, but Don's comforting arms were gradually making my heart rate slow better than any medication could. He managed to shoo away the doctors when my heart rate dropped to reasonable levels and after a bit of grumbling of protest.

"D-d-do you s-st-still l-lo-love m-m-me?" I managed to stutter, my voice still wobbly.

Don looked at my incredulously. Or like I'd gone crazy. Or both. "Of course. I love you more than anything. How could you say that?"

What surprised me is that I felt relieved. So relieved. My subconscious had been terrified of his reaction, terrified that he'd reject me, think of me as a disgusting whore. Real Jess was still locked up, but was fighting her way through to the surface. She was still pissed.

"I love you too," I whispered, my voice sounding high and strangled. Tears still leaked out of my eyes, but I felt safe in Don's arms. His presence made me feel better with each breath I took. I breathed in his intoxicating scent. He smelled faintly of cologne not fully washed off, his sharp-scented shampoo, and that smell that was just him.

My breathing eventually evened out, and Don pulled back to look at me, his eyes full of so much. "You know, everyone else wants to see you. I'm sure your family's here by now, and probably half of the police force." He chuckled. "And your Dad's probably chewing out the orderlies for no reason because you asked only for me."

I laughed as I wiped the last few tears from my face. I wouldn't doubt it if someone told me he was actually doing just that. "Send them in."

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My father and four brothers entered the room like a herd wild animals after the nurse went to get them. My father charged in before everyone else, his expression a strange mixture of concern and anger. My four brothers, Ryan, Tyler, Shawn, and Jake, were giving Don murderous looks that they always gave my boyfriends. They'd probably charged down the hallway like a pack of runaway bulls. Don remained by my side, holding my hand, despite the silent death threats currently being sent from my brothers. He began to stand, his hand slipping out of mine as he rose.

Losing the feeling of his warm hand in mine was pretty shocking, and I reached out for him again, almost panicky. He looked back, and leaned in, his lips grazing my ear. "I'll be right in the waiting room. You need time with your family," he whispered, probably indiscernible to the others in the room. His lips brushed softly against my cheek, and then he straightened, and with a quick squeeze of my hand, he was gone. I stiffened again now that Don was gone. I felt so cold and vulnerable without him here. I kept reminding myself that this was my family, that they would never hurt me. But my body still trembled in fear, terrified of every small motion.

Dad took the chair that Don had previously been sitting in, and I subconsciously shrank away from him. Ryan and Shawn managed to find two more chairs- identical plastic ones, placing them on my right, while Tyler and Jake took up residence on the vacated bed to my left. We sat in silence for a minute, and I just kept my eyes on my hands, fiddling with the white, thermal blanket. I plucked free a loose thread when Dad finally found the courage to speak. "Jessie, what happened to you?" I realized that he'd taken in my injuries as I'd bemused myself with loose threads, and he was pissed.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not? You talked to Don about it."

"That's different." I tried to deflect the questions as best as I could.

"How is it different?"

"It just is," I stated adamantly, starting to get annoyed.

"Really, Jess, you can t-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" I said, my voice raised a few octaves. It wasn't like me to yell at people. It had been hard enough talking about what had happened with Don. I honestly didn't want to talk about it with my family members. A part of me that hadn't been awoken in a long time wished that my mom was here. She would've understood. I tried to shake those thoughts away. She died when you were twelve, Jess. Ancient history.

I think he could tell that I seriously didn't want to talk to them about what had happened. He picked up a new topic. "Why didn't you tell us you were alive?" He asked in a small voice. As I met his gaze, it was filled with hurt- deep, deep hurt. Emotion swirled inside of me. He was hurting because of me.

"Seriously, what the hell, Jess?" It was Shawn who spoke now. Looking away from my father, I sent Shawn a glare. Since we were so close in age, we'd been a stereotypical 'sibling rivalry' example. We still were.

"Shut up, Shawn. You have no idea why I did what I did."

"Then explain it to us!" Shawn exclaimed, still sounding pissed off. But in actuality, he looked on the verge of crying. Oh man, I'd get him for that one later.

"Okay, look, I went undercover for the FBI in the Russian gang. I couldn't contact anyone outside the FBI or in my old life. So there."

They hadn't expected that one. It was my oldest brother Ryan who spoke now. "Why did you agree?" He exclaimed, his voice and posture outraged.

"Really, Jess! You let us think that you were dead! Why would you do that to us?" Tyler chimed in, sounding equally as angry.

I could tell Jake was about to give the same argument, but I didn't give him the chance. "Because I am a cop. And cops save lives." I went on to give them my whole spiel that the FBI had given me, about how it would take another couple years to get a good chance to make a fake identity. "So I did what I did because it saved innocent lives." I gave them all glares. "So what, you guys went through a little emotional pain. Who hasn't? It was worth it to save the lives of innocent New Yorkers, hell, maybe even around the world." As much as my words sounded confident, I was starting to have my own doubts about why I actually did it. Was it really worth all that I'd lost?

I knew my father would understand my reasoning. He'd been a police officer in his day. My brothers, on the other hand, were not. As far as they were concerned, their pain over their 'baby sister's death' had been the worst thing that has ever occurred to them.

It was Jake's turn to chew me out. "Jesus, Jess. But still, how could you do that to us? We already lost Mom and then we lose you?"

If looks could kill, Jake would be dead right now. My withering glare met the eight probing eyes of my brothers. "You think you know what pain is? You haven't even felt pain until you have been inside my head." I spoke the words in an eerily calm whisper, but I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. My heart monitor started jumping around like crazy, indicating stress as I realized the truth of my own words. Beep... Beep... Beep...I had to give up the man I love. Beep. Beep. Beep. I befriended Amy and Andy, only to have them killed. BeepBeepBeepBeep. Shay raped me. BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP. My heart monitor went crazy as I recalled everything that happened, playing every detail in my head. I wasn't in control, it was almost like a movie was playing in fast-motion in front of my eyes, out of my control. I couldn't feel anything as the memories sped in front of me. I lost track of time, of where and who I was. Suddenly, there was only a consistent beep from the heart monitor, no longer a pause in between.

I heard voices, but they sounded very far away, like I was under water. "She's crashing!"

"Frank, get the paddles!"

"Two millileters of..."

But I stopped hearing things. It didn't occur to me until blackness took over my vision what was happening. I was dying. How the hell did that happen? I was fine ten minutes ago. After I'd been raped, I hadn't wanted to live anymore. I just wanted to lie down next to my two friends and die with them. But now that it was actually happening, I realization slapped me across the face. I didn't want to die. That realization finally let old Jess out. I wasn't really sure how to stop something like this from happening. I just thought about life. How great it was to be alive. Sure I had problems, but I had a whole bunch of people I could depend on, and they needed me to pull through this. I have to pull through this for them. For everyone who was waiting in the waiting room for me, for my family, for my friends... for Don. His name brought me back up, out of the grips of death, but not fully back. I was able to hear, and feel. I felt a plastic tube down my throat, forcing air into my lungs. I felt someone's hands on my shoulders.

"We've got to call it in. Time of death 9:56 AM."

"No, you can't call it in, not yet!" Don. His voice was frantic. I heard the tears in his voice. Even when I was shot, I'd never heard him sound so freaked out. When I was shot, there was still a chance that I could've lived. But if I died now, I'd be finished. Done with. The world would keep spinning without Jessica Angell on it. "Jess, baby, come back to me. I just got you back. You can't leave me again," His voice was broken, a voice of a man with no hope left in the world. I knew that if I died, it'd be over for him. He'd be destroyed. A beautiful person torn to shreds by grief. "I love you." It was spoken so softly, but was filled with so much. I needed to live.

Those three words brought me back, my eyes shooting open, like I was a beach ball held under the surface of the water. I gasped, finding it difficult to take a breath with that damn tube stuck down my throat. I sat up with a start, bending to almost touch my legs. I gasped for air, the tube not helping, with a dull ache where my ribs were broken.

"Holy hell." I heard one of the doctors say, but I was only looking for the one person I needed to see. I found his face, feeling relief shoot through me. I saw relief in his face. Overwhelming relief that trumped my own. Tenderness, worry, and exhaustion were written all over his face. For what seemed like the hundredth time, his arms wrapped around me, squeezing tightly. I never got sick of his hugs. With his strong arms wrapped around me, I felt like anything was possible. His lips found my ear. "Don't you ever, ever, ever do that to me again."

I choked on a laugh. My voice was garbled by that tube that was starting to choke me. "I'll try."

Okay, REALLY sorry to have Jess almost die there. No joke, I was actually crying and saying "Don't die, please, don't die." Ask my family. they were very concerned for my mental stability. I wrote the whole 'crashing' part on the spur of the moment so Jess could realize that she didn't want to die and to establish what a strong connection she has with Don. (but we know that already. :P i was just underlining it) Anyway, reviews=another chapter, so review, review, review! tanks :) Serena