Sirius

Sirius paused with his hand on the door handle, James gave a sleepy sigh behind him. Sirius had gotten the answer to his question, James was currently in love. Or at least feeling the most love he'd experienced so far. But strangely, it had opened more questions than it had closed.

Sirius felt the cool metal beneath his warm hand. He'd put his boxer briefs back on, and had been intending to go to his own bed, but another rather important question was threatening to keep him up all night. Now he was here, he might as well ask.

"James?"

"James isn't here, please go find Remus or Peter." James muffled into his pillow. Sirius crossed the room again and unzipped James's sleeping bag without waiting for permission. He slid in, balancing on the very edge of the sofa, and zipped the bag up, keeping his boxers on this time.

"So hypothetically, imagine I had a crush on a guy." Sirius said.

James didn't shift at this random statement, he merely replied, rather grumpily Sirius might add, "Imagine, hypothetically, I sew your mouth closed."

Sirius continued as though James hadn't spoken, "Not all guys, just this one guy. I mean, yeah, some guys are fit, but all guys check out other guys, right?"

That got James's attention, and he rolled to face Sirius. His face was shadowed in darkness, but Sirius kept his eyes focused on the ceiling anyway, he didn't really want to see James's reaction to this. It was big news and if James didn't accept it... Sirius didn't know what he'd do. He hadn't spent much of his life thinking about consequences, this was all new to him.

"Uh... no." James answered.

"No?"

"No."

"Oh." Sirius said, feeling even more questions float in his head. His mind was a bubbling cauldron of questions, and he couldn't think of any one to focus on. So he continued on the tangent he'd started, maybe he'd answer his questions along the way, "Right whatever. I have a crush on a guy, but that's not gay, right?"

"No, Sirius, I'm pretty sure that's gay." James didn't sound judgemental. Sirius still couldn't look at him.

"It is?"

"Yeah."

Sirius nodded a few times, that answered one question. Or did it?

"Right, so hypothetically, and this is all hypothetical, right? Hypothetically, I like boys but I also like girls. And I've done stuff with girls, but I've never done stuff with boys... But I, hypothetically, want to. Is that gay?"

"Well, no, that's bisexuality."

"That's a thing?"

"Yup." The 'p' popped loudly in the silence of the room. James didn't sound judgemental or disgusted at Sirius's hypothetical situations. He sounded tired mostly, but also interested. He really was the best friend anyone could ask for.

"How do you know all this?" Sirius asked into the darkness.

James stifled his yawn, "How do you not?"

"I'm from a pure-blooded, incredibly bigoted, conservative family. Do you really think I was taught about boys liking boys and girls liking girls?"

"Fair point." James said, this time unable to hold in his yawn.

Sirius wiggled out of the sleeping bag, allowing James to sleep. He was grumpy when he didn't get eight hours of sleep. Frankly, Sirius didn't feel like listening to a grumpy James whine about his sleep all week.

Sirius was halfway across the room, when he paused again, "Hey Prongs?"

"What." James said, it wasn't quite the question it should have been. It sounded more like a warning. Sirius smiled, he so loved to annoy James.

"I think I'm bisexual." Sirius confessed.

"That's great Sirius, now go the fuck to sleep!" James snapped, and Sirius left the room, snickering to himself.

Sirius walked into the kitchen. There was no way he was going to get to sleep with all these questions fizzing about his mind. So he boiled the kettle and located an unopened packet of jellybeans. Once his coffee was done, and he'd arranged all the nice looking jelly beans on the table, he sat down.

Where to begin with the information James had just given him?

First off, he was bi. This he knew. This he had no doubt whatsoever. He was attracted to girls and, now that he thought about it, he'd always been attracted to boys too. James's comment about not checking out other boys had opened his eyes, he was bisexual, and he was surprisingly okay with it.

James was in love, that was true too. Sirius wasn't sure if what he felt was love, or just a crush. He couldn't really tell. He felt more about this guy than he had about the last girl he dated. But then, he'd really only dated her for fun, and this guy had been his friend for years. He'd seen him naked, and carried him back to the hospital wing. He'd been wrapped in his arms on more than one occasion, the most recent being when he'd taken a nosedive to frighten the crap out of him.

He'd shared a bed with Remus, and bought sweets for him on full moon days. He'd begged to copy his homework, watched him read on his bed, and laughed for hours with him. But was that love? Wasn't that just friendship? He'd done half of those things for James and Peter anyway, but it had always felt different.

Sirius shifted in his chair and popped a jellybean in his mouth. It was vanilla ice cream flavored. As he chewed, he thought some more about Remus, and whether confronting these feelings would ever actually work...

He thought of Remus bundled up in the winter, the cold turning his nose pink and his breath coming out in fog as he laughed.

He thought of Remus in the bed next to him during a thunderstorm, warm and solid and safe. Not saying anything when Sirius reaches for his hand and entwines their fingers, and not mentioning Sirius's moment of weakness the next morning.

He thought of Remus after a full moon, weak and exhausted. Yawning on every second word and resting his head on Sirius's shoulder, promising he was just resting his eyes.

He hadn't even known he'd had feelings for him until that stupid Cetus incident. All of this was Cetus's fault. If he hadn't trapped them in the bedroom for hours, Sirius wouldn't have ended up on top of Remus, transforming back to human at the worst possible moment. He wouldn't have felt Remus beneath him, seen him from that angle. He wouldn't have been forced to think about kissing his skin, or the smell of peppermint that followed him around, or the look in his eyes when Sirius licked his lips.

Dammit.

None of this mattered! Sirius realised angrily, throwing an orange jellybean at the wall. Because he could offer nothing to Remus! Remus was better than him, he always bloody would be. He was going to go get high grades in all his NEWTs, and go on to become some famous wizard who eradicates anti-werewolf legislation, and Sirius was going to be a layabout with sub-par NEWTs, and no home or job.

All he could offer was a pretty face and an endless supply of Honeydukes, both of which, Moony already had. Sirius tossed another jellybean into his mouth – grass flavoured – and looked out the window. The moon was almost full, just three nights to go until Remus's transformation. Sirius would have to see him naked again, he would have to carry him to his bed, and hear that little whine he lets out every single time Sirius lets go of him. It would be torture.

Sirius couldn't do anything about his feelings, because Remus would never go for a guy like him. He went for guys like Davidson and Copeland. Boys who brushed their neatly trimmed hair, and tucked their shirts in. Boys who were prefects like Remus and genuinely studied hard for exams. Boys who even Remus had had more detentions than.

Remus would never go for a boy like Sirius.

But then...

If Remus didn't want him, why had he looked so eager? Why had he mirrored every expression on every girl's face when Sirius had been on top of them too? He had looked like he was seconds away from arching his hips upwards, like he was dying for contact.

He had looked incredibly hot.

Sirius let his head drop onto the cool wood of the dining table. He was in deep, and something had to give. Hopefully, it wouldn't be his friendship with Moony.