I hadn't been single for so many years, I had forgotten what it felt like. Really, it felt exactly the same as life with a significant other, except for the invisible but wholly tangible feeling of complete loneliness. Maybe this was just a side effect from the break up. That's what Yuka and Meiko kept telling me, at least. After two days of their cyclical care, I finally convinced them I was alright enough to go out and work. So, that's what I did. However, they were not aware of my activities after my final client shuffled out of my office, when the night was still young and my impulses were unrepressed.
I texted him. I texted Len. As soon as I did, that feeling akin to be gutted like a fish dissipated slightly, and even more so when he replied. I wondered if he knew what had happened. Of course he did. News spreads quickly.
We were to meet at a little wooden bench at the edge of a park in the center of the city, a happy rendezvous point from both our original locations. I arrived there first and found myself fiddling with my unkempt hair in a compact mirror many times to keep myself busy. Whenever the mirror would reflect the fullness of face, I was always shocked to see how pale and tired it looked. I was there early. It was natural for me to have to wait, but the torture of it was more than I could bear.
My muscles tensed when I heard his startlingly familiar footsteps. Acting quite natural, I smiled up at Len as he sat a safe distance away from me on the bench. No words were coming to mind, then they all came at once, and I had to hold myself back.
"Hey, thanks for coming," I said.
"Of course. Uh."
Silence.
"I don't know if you heard…"
"Yeah, I did. I'm really sorry."
"It wasn't you, just so you know." That was a half-lie. "Ki and I never really had a very passionate relationship. Honestly, we thought it was the natural thing to do. Successful people dated, then they got married, then… they would carry on in their successful lives. I guess I wanted more from him than just supporting my occupational aspirations, and he sensed that. So, he went away and left a note."
"He should have told you in-person," Len responded sharply. "He should have had the decency to do that."
"I can't blame him."
"You should."
"I can't." My mind flashed to the way he signed his name, "Your first love," and a grenade of emotion burst through my heart. Tears began to well in my eyes. "I have no right to be upset."
Len immediately brought himself closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "What are you talking about? Being upset is the most natural response."
My words were interspersed between heavily stifled sobs. "I-I went to his apartment to break u-up with him. I had my words all planned out, but he left first. It's better this way, but I still feel so aw-awful." I quickly got ahold of myself, wiping away the remaining tears off my face. Len was still holding me, and I just wanted to stay there for a while. However, he was the one to hesitantly pull away.
"I'm sorry," Len said. He looked quite distressed himself, avoiding eye contact and conjuring up a melancholy smile. "I'm not good with words, but… I know that you don't deserve to be so sad, Mayu. You're, you know, intelligent and beautiful and you will definitely find happiness one day."
"Thank you, really," I replied. "I didn't mean to go off like that. I just wanted to tell you that things can go back to how things were. Your friendship is unimaginably valuable to me, Len." That didn't come out right. No, not at all. I wanted something else entirely, but it was too late to take it back.
"Yours is to me, too." He abruptly stood up, focusing his gaze somewhere faraway. "Um, I'm really glad we talked. Remember what I said. You're not to blame at all for what happened. Sadly, I have to go now, but… yeah."
"Of course. Well, goodbye, then."
He stole one last glance in my direction and walked away. The farther away from me he was, I felt the chasm between us grow larger and larger. Welcome back, incomprehensible loneliness, doubled in your agony. I decided I would have to get a move on before Meiko and Yuka started wondering where I was. Back to the streets, back to the apartment, back to the false cheer and the genuine concern, back to the empty day, back to the place without Len.
Opening the door to my home, I wished with all my heart and soul that no one would be there, but alas, wishes rarely do come true. Yuka was snug on my sofa, a season further into the drama series she had been watching when I left. No surprise there, but what I did not anticipate was Gumi right beside her, just as riveted by the television as Yuka was. My apartment had become a halfway house.
I stepped in between my tenants and their show. "Don't you have a job?" The question was directed at Yuka.
"The boss is away, and I have people who will cover me. She'll never know of my absence," Yuka replied, straining her neck to see past me at the unfurling drama.
"I never did ask what you did, Gumi," I continued, resigning to an old, squeaky armchair.
She tore her eyes away from the screen. "Where were you? According to my calculations, you should have arrived over an hour ago."
"I was at work. A client was in need of a longer session."
"I don't believe you." She hadn't blinked once since we began talking.
"I'm not surprised to hear that."
She kept staring, staring, staring. I began to feeling increasingly cornered, like I was being interrogated by a police officer or a mob boss. "Okay, I went to talk to Len."
Yuka paused the television and joined Gumi in her staring. I could have laughed. They looked so ridiculous, two girls of smaller stature all curled up under a blanket, hair disheveled beyond belief, giving a completely monotonous look that seemed to invoke every question on the tips of their tongues. That humorous aura was coming from at least Yuka. Then again, Gumi still had those piercing eyes…
"We met at a park. I just wanted to tell him what happened, that it wasn't his fault, and we could go back to how things were," I explained.
"Is that how you put it?" Gumi piped up. "'Go back to how things were?'"
"Yes."
"We both know that's not true."
My face was heating up in embarrassment. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way. Damn, I've messed it up, haven't I?"
"Call him. Ask to meet again, and tell him how you feel."
"What? Right now? It's late, and we've already met today. That would sound…"
"Desperate? Darling, you are desperate."
"I hate to say it," Yuka interjected. "But I agree."
It was two against one, and as much as I despised the idea, I couldn't think of a reason why to delay. A strange sense of urgency had taken hold of me, and I whipped out my phone just as it began to vibrate."
"Oh, my God," I said. "It's Len."
"Pick it up!" they shouted over each other.
Len's voice sounded regretful over the speaker. "Hey, sorry I'm calling this late."
"No, it's fine," I squeaked. "What's up?" Yuka and Gumi were nodding their heads in validation of my response.
"Um, this is going to sound really strange, a-and you don't have to. But, would it be much trouble to meet me at that bench… again… right now?"
"You know what? That would be fine."
"R-Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, I don't have anything better to do. Okay, I'll see you there."
"See you."
I put down the phone. My two friends looked at me expectantly. "I guess I'm going to the park right now," I said.
"Thank God!" Yuka exclaimed. "What are you waiting for, then? Go! Go right now!"
"Alright." I stood up, still convincing myself that I was actually doing this. "Alright."
"Go!"
I staggered out the door. Back to the streets, back to the park, back to the hope and happiness, back to the blossoming night, back to the place where Len is going to be.
In wake of the waning moon, I sat on the bench with bated breath. I had no compact mirror to examine myself with, so there was nothing to do but wait. This time when his footsteps came, I stood and faced him head-on. Len was sort of scrunched up, trying to make himself small, to make himself disappear, maybe. I was doing the exact same thing.
"Sorry for calling you here." His voice broke the illusion that this was a dream.
"No, that's fine. What did you want to talk about?" I asked.
"I don't want to go back to how things were!" he blurted out. "I mean, I don't want to be friends with you. No, that's not what I meant. Um, I wanted to say… I feel… I really like you, Mayu, and not in a friendship way. I… love you. I'm sorry that I sound so certain, if you feel like I don't know you well enough, but it's true. I love you, Hidari Mayu. I don't think I'll regret saying that."
I had to blink tears away, because this was unimaginable. This couldn't be happening. I didn't deserve this in the slightest, but here it was. The most perfect boy I had ever met was standing in front of me in the moonlight, and he loved me. Not possible. It couldn't have been. However, just in case it was, I walked right up and embraced him. The universe felt so undeniably right in that moment.
With trembling words, I replied, "I love you, too."
