This time things didn't work out. Adrian didn't return to talk to me. I had company all the time but I felt so alone. There was a hole in my heart but I figured that as soon as I got away from this place, it would get better. I could forget about all this and focus on finding myself and keep being a good alchemist. Nothing would stop me. No distractions, no hurt looks lingering on me, no problems. I would be alone and I would do my job. That was what I did best. The day came when I was fully healed and made the phone call. Stanton was surprised at first and asked for a reason. I lied and said that I was feeling bothered with being among the dhampirs and moroi all the time. She understood, even though she sounded skeptical, and said that she would call tomorrow and tell me my new location. Right after the phone call I went back to Amberwood and packed my few belongings. The matron seemed surprised to see me since I hadn't been at school for a few months but I waved off her questions and said that my 'parents' would call and explain the situation. I returned to Clarence's and went straight to my room where I sat down on the bed and just stared at the armchair still beside the bed. That armchair that Adrian had been sitting in for three whole days just to watch over me. That armchair where I made him hope and then broke his heart once again. It suddenly hit me that I was really leaving. I was leaving my friends and my second family. Leaving because of a guy. A guy that was funny and handsome and kind and amazing and who liked me for me. I was leaving the perfect guy and I didn't even feel regret. Not yet at least. All I felt was an emptiness and a hole in my heart. I had never felt like that before and didn't know how to fix it. The dhampirs and Jill came by after school to say goodbye and even when I greeted them at the door, Jill was crying. We went in to the living room and I hugged them one at a time, leaving Jill for last. When I hugged Jill she refused to let go. We stood there, with her crying her eyes out on my shoulder, hugging.
"Please don't leave.", she mumbled while still crying.
"I have to.", I murmured back.
"No you don't. You can stay. I can fix this.", She whispered.
"No, you can't. This is my decision. It's better like this, for all of us.", I said to her. I could see the dhampirs exchange a glance behind Jill's back and something struck me. They didn't even know why I was leaving. They just knew that I did. Somehow, they must have figured something out because they didn't ask a single question. Just looked at me and shared glances. I didn't like it.
"It's not better for me.", She said. Then she continued, whispering; "It's not better for him either you know."
"It is. You just don't see it yet.", I answered and tried to let her go. I pulled out of the hug and looked her in the eyes. "This is going to make everything better. Trust me.", I tried staying strong but I was close to tears. Little Jill, so sweet, so kind, and I was leaving her.
"Nothing is going to get better.", She said, while staring in to my eyes. I wondered how much of her sadness was from Adrian. Was he sitting at home, sad right now? Did he feel bad that things ended like this between us? I stopped myself right there. I couldn't keep caring about him and his thoughts and feelings. I had to start focusing on me.
"When do you leave?", Angeline suddenly said.
"Tomorrow.", I said, while letting Jill go. Jill continued crying and threw herself in Eddie's arms. He looked startled at first but then resorted to patting Jill's back and trying to comfort her. It was sweet to watch, but also painful. It reminded me of the feelings I was trying so hard to erase.
The next day Stanton called. I was given a mission in Santa Barbara. The local alchemist there needed some help and I was being put there until they could find a place where I was needed more. I quickly made my way out to the car and just sat there. Sat there, staring straight forward and gripping the wheel so tight that my knuckles went white. He hadn't come. He wouldn't even say goodbye. Did he hate me now? Did I break his last patience and pushed him towards hatred instead of love? And why did I feel crushed when I thought about him hating me? Wasn't that what I wanted? I didn't know what was wrong or right. I didn't know what was up or down. Everything was a big mess and I couldn't decide what I felt. He often made me confused. Almost always he was the one who created my feeling of not knowing. Of being lost. He made me loose my way and also my mind. But sometimes he helped me find a way back too. He helped me on my quest of finding myself. But none of that mattered, I had to leave. I had to stop being confused. I turned the key and started the car. I was on the road in a couple of minutes and made my way to Santa Barbara. I would finally get away from Adrian. I would finally be able to find myself and find peace. I would stop being tormented every minute of every day. I would be fine for once. Everything would go back to normal. I started my drive to Santa Barbara and pushed aside the feelings of regret. This was the right decision.
