Ellie was the one who found me there, clothes stained with my own blood, hair in a mess and tears staining my cheeks. She didn't say anything, and I was grateful to her for that. If she'd tried to comfort me at that moment, I'm not sure how I would have reacted. She just gently pulled me to my feet and tugged my bloodied jacket from my shoulders. She curled it up to conceal as many of the blood stains as she could and tucked it under an arm before leading me back to camp.

I could recognize that people were speaking to me, but I didn't respond. Even if I'd wanted to, I don't think I could have. I'd screamed my throat raw. Now that the dam that I'd spent so many years building and tending to had broken, there was no escaping from the ghost of him. I mechanically did my duties and obediently bathed when Ellie and Rowen shoved me towards a creek. I even let them bandage the shredded skin on my hands, but I wasn't there, not really. When it came time to sleep, I wandered back to my solitary tunnel and let the memories consume me again.

The next morning, I made my way back to the camp and gathered my things in a trance. Ellie and Rowen tried to talk to me, but I brushed them aside saying I had one errand or another I had to get done. Luckily, the commanders always pushed for efficiency, so we were out of the cave within the hour. I fell into formation and let the expedition move forward without me. We entered a forested area as we made our way through Wall Maria, driving the legion forward towards Shiganshina.

That's when the titans attacked.

Cacophony broke out as the commanders barked orders and wires whirred, lifting cadets off of their horses and into the trees to fulfil those orders; I didn't move. A titan ran out of the trees on my left and I dumbly stared back at it. If I just let it eat me, I could finally be rid of it: this life, the haunting memories. I could maybe see him again.

A force hit my back and a strong arm looped around my waist, hoisting me out of my saddle and up into the trees. Beneath us, Sugar jumped over the hand that had been coming for me, disappearing into the forest with a snort and a kick. We landed on a tree branch high above the mayhem that was unfolding around us. I winced as the person slammed me into the tree trunk, fingers digging into my shoulders. I blinked blearily at them for a moment before I recognized those cool gray eyes.

"Captain?" I murmured weakly.

His scowl deepened and he released his hold on my shoulders to backhand me. My head snapped to the side as his knuckles cracked against my face, busting the skin along my cheekbone. The pain pulled me out of my dream like a hand pulling me from a bucket of ice water; the world around me exploded with colors and the heat of pain thrummed through me. I gasped and blinked rapidly to dispel the spots in my vision. I slowly turned to regard him.

"Wake up!" Levi snapped, "I have soldiers out there dying because I'm not there to give them orders. I don't have time to babysit brats. If you want to die, do it on your own time. Right now, you are under my orders, so do your damn job!"

I stared at him for a moment, my hand on my cheek, my jaw slack. He was right. I swallowed hard and embraced the pain like a friend, its sharp sting keeping my mind focused. I had to be strong for Ellie and Rowen. I had to make sure they got through this expedition too. I could take care of him later. Right now, I had to make sure we got as many soldiers back to their families as possible. I silently asked him to forgive me and then straightened, picking up my triggers and slamming new blades into the hilt. I pulled them out, the metallic ring vibrating through the air around us.

"Then what are we still doing here?" I asked, flicking out my tongue to catch the blood as it trickled down my face before turning away from him and shooting forward.

A tether hit the tree beside me and I jerked my head to the side. "That's more like it!" he growled as he sailed past me.

I stared after him for a moment, amazed at how he spun through the trees. He didn't let a single movement cost him his speed and used his strength to push through the trees when he could to save his gas. My mind drifted back to the night before and I gripped the hilts tighter. I felt the sting of pain as my newly scabbed cuts reopened and seeped blood onto the white bandages on my hands. I grit my teeth, but didn't loosen my grip. I had to stay focused and if pain was what it took to keep me focused on this battle, then I would lose as much blood and flesh as was needed. I'd promised myself I would never lose anyone important to me ever again, and yet I'd let Ellie and Rowen run into the fray without me. How could I have sunk so low into myself as to do that?

As I sailed over the fray I tried to do a headcount; so far there were only five missing. That was good. I tried to find Ellie and Rowen, finally spotting them taking down a 10 meter class titan. I shot forward and hung beside them as we searched for another titan.

"Are you-?" Ellie started, but Rowen cut her off.

"Good to have you back," Rowen said with a terse grin.

I returned the grin and nodded to her, "What do we have?"

"We have two more 5 meters and one 7 meter. Seems like we're almost done, just picking off the stragglers at this point," Rowen reported.

I turned to reply, but was cut short as a leaf fluttered down to land in my hair. I lifted a hand to tug it out when I saw it: a unique variant hung suspended above us in the trees, its mouth open in anticipation. When it noticed me watching, it released its hold on the wide tree trunks and fell towards us, hands outstretched.

Hi guys! Sorry its been so long since I've put up a new chapter. I was in a horrible wreck and broke my left arm, wrist, collar bone and index finger and got a really bad sprain to my right foot. Because of that I temporarily lost the use of my left hand and so I won't be able to write anything for a while. I'll post what I already have written but after that I'm afraid the story will have to be put on hold for a while. So I'll probably reduce my updates to once a month. I'm sorry again guys but there isn't a lot I can do in this situation. I promise to work hard in physical therapy so I can get back to writing ASAP though! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Leave me a comment if you'd like. (: