Disclaimer: Tolkien's got everything you recognize.
Ok everyone, I looked back and realized to my horror that I hadn't updated this since February; time really flew by and I was busy with school. Plus I've had a huge case of writer's block which has since been cured. As some of you might have noticed, some of the earlier chapters of this story have changed a bit since I was uncomfortable with the way the plot was going and went back to redo some of it. Lúthien is a bit more feisty and more of a Thrór-type character, for instance.
Thanks to all of my reviewers who pointed out mistakes or made suggestions about the story (you do not go unnoticed, I assure you)! Please tell me what you like, what you don't like, and any suggestions. Thanks!
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Théoden
King bid his guards return to their posts and welcomed in the guests.
"Hi, everyone! Don't be shy! Pull up a chair! Take a rest! I'll
go get some cool beverages and hot grits for you all!" And the
king went running off into the kitchen happily where he met Éowyn,
and the two of them started cooking. Athena went with one of the
servants to the extra special chamber that was being prepared for
her; it was, in fact, Théoden's own. The king of Rohan had
figured that he could sleep on the floor of the Golden Hall so his
savior would be in the most comfortable room. Obviously Théoden
was not himself.
"Grits?"
Boromir's eyebrow rose as he uneasily accepted a chair, but the
visiting lords' disquiet did little to slow the monarch's bustling
courtesy. Huan whined and attempted to hide behind his mistress's
chair when Théoden tripped over him for the second time.
Lúthien patted the big wolfhound soothingly, but the destroyer
of Carcharoth merely whined pitifully, trying to squeeze his bulk
under her daisy-print chair and out of the way of the
madman.
"Oh,
no!" moaned Gimli once he realized what was going on. "Théoden
King has been corrupted by the Sue."
"Just
when I think he's back to normal, Athena Firestone shows up and makes
things worse," said Éomer crossly as he joined them. "And
that must be why Éowyn is acting so strangely too." He
shook his head in exasperation.
Thrór
laughed. "According to the Law of the Sue, there can only be one
female warrior in this story and Éowyn is not it!" His
purple eyes glittered in an amused way, making Éomer
suspiciously study him.
"What
are you supposed to be anyway?" Éomer's horses were well
trained, but he had never before seen one sitting at the
table.
"A
talking horse."
"A
talking horse?" Éomer was understandably
confused.
"Yeah.
A damn talking horse. It's a long story, but here's the short
version: I was the magical horse of a Sue as vile as – well, almost
as vile as Athena. Actually, I can't decide which one is worse,
Vallawen or Athena. They are both just so completely evil in their
own little ways that I can't compare them." And he informed
Éomer about Vallawen and her wretched Norse mythology mangling
past.
Meanwhile Gimli turned to Boromir and Lúthien
Tinúviel. "Well, it is obvious that we will find little
help in Edoras," he observed gruffly. "Perhaps Éomer
would give us aid, but what can he do that we cannot? I propose that
we leave Rohan as soon as possible and make for Gondor."
Not
knowing what else to do, Boromir agreed. "That sounds like the
only thing we can do at this point."
"Do we have to
take Athena Firestone with us? I don't know if I can stand her much
longer," asked Lúthien sourly. But before anyone could
reply, Athena Firestone came triumphantly walking into the room.
"It
is so gorgeous in there! Well, probably not as nice as my room in
Mirkwood Palace will be but still nice enough. Me 'n' Orl- I mean,
Legolas will have the best quarters in Middle Earth! I deserve only
the best."
"True that!" Figwit commented as he
smiled his usual irritating grin. His unwilling traveling companions
were mildly surprised, as ever, that his head stayed on through that
much nodding. There was certainly no weight within to anchor it to
his neck.
Her
long and beautiful hair shining in the faint evening light that
beamed weakly through the doorway, the Sue- I mean, warrior nymph, -
went over and made herself at home in Théoden King's throne.
"Ahh," she sighed to herself as she sank into the huge
throne, "Legolas, Legolas, Legolas. We shall be together soon
and the world will rejoice, for Zeus has proclaimed our betrothal to
be the most important of all the ages."
Boromir
rolled his eyes at Gimli as they listened to the girl's mumblings.
The dwarf coughed to cover his gagging motions.
Éomer
finished in his discussion with Thrór and proudly declared, "I
will help you get rid of Athena Firestone. Perhaps I can gather
several Riders loyal enough to embark on such a dangerous mission and
they can accompany us to Minas Tirith."
"We would be
grateful for it," Boromir told him earnestly, and Gimli grunted
in agreement. "Let us set off for Gondor in the morning. Athena
Firestone thinks Legolas will be there, so I'm certain she'll consent
to coming along."
Trepidation creeping over his face as
he thought of the impossible girl accompanying the group to Gondor,
Éomer turned to regard the Sue – I mean, Zeus' warrior nymph
daughter - as she sat on the throne in all of her splendor, and his
eyes seemed to suddenly glaze over in a sickly way. For the first
time he had the chance to stare at this divine creature, at her huge
green eyes and flowing flame-red hair which had mysteriously
developed silver highlights since she had arrived at Edoras, at those
luscious full pouting lips that just cried out for a kiss, and all of
these wonderful traits made Éomer want to puke. This girl was
so unreal it sickened him to the very core of his being.
It
was at this time Théoden King and his giggling niece came
charging back into the room, each carrying a tray filled with
suspicious-looking food items. "All right, gang!" gleefully
cried the king, "Here are the goods!"
"That
smells gr8t!" Figwit exclaimed. No one knew exactly how, but the
"elf" had managed to convey the number in his
speech.
Grinning madly, Théoden set down the trays.
"Well, it ought to! I was up all night making it in preparation
for Athena's arrival! We've got haggis, fresh oysters brought in from
the Pacific Ocean this morning, onion stew with an exotic red pepper
sauce, some yummy roasted nuts, eggs benedict, crepe suzette, and
some freshly made Root Beer! And of course, the big surprise! I made
you my specialty: nice, hot GRITS with Tabasco sauce!"
Luthien
gave Boromir an inquiring look at the list of delicacies, mouthing
"Pacific Ocean?" but the man of Gondor shrugged helplessly,
as lost as she.
"I didn't think there was a large body of
water within a day's riding distance from here," he told her in
a sotto voice as Theoden beamed at them, grinning as if he were not
quite right in the head. "Firestone's doing, most likely."
"And
I helped," laughed Éowyn as she poured the Root Beer,
trying to keep it from spilling all over the new pink frilly dress
she had sewn herself. "I just love to cook!"
Before
he could stop himself, Éomer gave a frustrated howl. "No,
YOU DON'T LOVE TO COOK!" he hollered at his sister. "And
you, Théoden King, you aren't supposed to be cooking for your
guests! YOU ARE THE KING! There are servants for this kind of
work."
"Oh, pshaw!" said Théoden.
"You're just jealous of my extraordinary cooking skills,
nephew."
"That does it!" Éomer slammed
his mug of frosty Root Beer hard on the table, sending the beverage
flying all over Boromir and Lúthien. Huan scrambled away from
the mess, shaking Root Beer all over Gimli and their hosts. "I
can't stand another second in Edoras!"
Her eyes
sparkling, Athena exclaimed, "Oh, but why? Edoras is such a nice
place, and the people are so friendly."
"That
reminds me!" Théoden suddenly yelled. "Will you
marry me, Athena Firestone?" He threw himself on his knees
before her. "You have saved Edoras and my rule from the evil
Hades, and I cannot think of any other way to thank you."
"You
are old, good king. I need someone young like Legolas!"
"Legolas
is MUCH older than me!" Poor Théoden was beside himself
with despair. "Why choose him? I love you!"
"Because
Orl- I mean, Legolas is my destined husband. Father Zeus has
proclaimed it to be so, you see, and I cannot change the choices of
the gods. Plus he is a very handsome elf! Not like you or those two
over there!" she cried, pointing at Gimli and Boromir. "Legolas
is gorgeous!"
The Tolkien fans were calling for blood.
"WE MUST KILL HER! She butchers the canon in such horrendous
ways that she must be eliminated from Tolkien's wonderful world! And
she calls any character that isn't Legolas 'ugly!'"
"Even
Boromir! Everyone knows that elf is just a girly boy with no
character traits compared to –" the beta reader of this parody
piped up from Somewhere Mysterious. The Tolkien fans and sane
characters fixed her with an odd stare. "Shutting up now."
She slunk off before the pitchforks could start flying again.
"Oh,
calm down," said the ever-calm Thrór. "Just wait.
You'll get your chance and hopefully it will be very satisfying. The
author of this parody will ensure that."
The Tolkien fans
fell silent. A few of them left to hunt down the beta before she
became too rabid a fangirl.
"Well, ok, I guess you do
have to marry Legolas," Théoden King reluctantly agreed.
"But at least let me cater the wedding – I can make upside
down cake!"
"Oh, of course!" The Sue – I
mean, Zeus' warrior nymph daughter - was all too happy to indulge the
king's request. "My good king, you are welcome to cater my
wedding!"
"Yay!" squealed the king. It was
embarrassing, and a little frightening, for Éomer to watch his
uncle jumping up and down like a little kid with too much caffeine.
It was even more frightening for Éomer to realize he knew what
caffeine was.
"Let's plan what will be on the menu right
away!" And so Athena and Théoden King rattled on into the
night making food preparations for a wedding that the groom didn't
even know about.
"This is making me sick," commented
Lúthien as she watched them. Figwit had proved impossible to
sit down with, much less cure. "I am beginning to agree with
Éomer – staying here in Edoras is becoming exasperating. We
should pick up and leave right now. I suppose we could even leave
Athena Firestone here, as I am sure it will take her months to plan
her grand wedding to Legolas." The lady's stunning grey eyes
promised a slow death for the Sue, should the elven princess be
forced to continue journeying with her.
"Well, of course
we could do that," said Boromir with a shrug. He wouldn't mind
seeing Athena get what she deserved, but when dealing with reborn
elves sent to Middle Earth on a mission from Eru, it was best to be
accommodating. "I never was too happy about taking her to Gondor
with us."
The dwarf sighed. "She must come along. We
can't risk her running into Vallawen, remember? Athena must think
that Legolas is in Minas Tirith so she will accompany us, and we can
keep an eye on her."
Boromir scowled. "You are
right, Gimli. We'll leave in the morning as originally
planned."
"And I shall spend the rest of the night
trying to rally together any men in Edoras who are still loyal to the
canon, if there are any, and we shall go along to Minas Tirith with
you. We shall need all the help we can get if Athena Firestone meets
this Vallawen creature you speak of, Thrór," Éomer
observed. He stood up and cried, "Farewell, my friends! I shall
be at the stables when the sun rises, with my men. Meet me there."
And the tall young man sprinted out of the hall, eager to be away
from Athena Firestone and his deranged relatives.
"Let us
hope he can arrange a company," muttered Boromir as he watched
Éomer go.
The ridiculously colored talking horse
snorted. "You have no idea how much we might need the extra
help," he said. "As I explained before, Sues bring many
un-canonical perils into Middle Earth; well, besides themselves, I
mean; and who knows what crazy beasts and creatures from Norse and
Greek mythology might await us on the journey from Rohan to
Gondor?"
Her head snapping up, the elven princess Lúthien
glared at him. "Oh, I can just hardly wait," she stated
dryly, and Gimli and Boromir looked at each other with worry in their
eyes. It was bad enough that they had to deal with Athena Firestone
without adding an additional host of un-canonical creatures to Middle
Earth.
Only Figwit remained at ease. "Dude, this is so
cool! Maybe Théoden can made sushi for the wedding 'cuz I love
sushi; it is dah bomb."
