Disclaimer: Tolkien's got everything you recognize.

Ok everyone, I looked back and realized to my horror that I hadn't updated this since February; time really flew by and I was busy with school. Plus I've had a huge case of writer's block which has since been cured. As some of you might have noticed, some of the earlier chapters of this story have changed a bit since I was uncomfortable with the way the plot was going and went back to redo some of it. Lúthien is a bit more feisty and more of a Thrór-type character, for instance.

Thanks to all of my reviewers who pointed out mistakes or made suggestions about the story (you do not go unnoticed, I assure you)! Please tell me what you like, what you don't like, and any suggestions. Thanks!

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Théoden King bid his guards return to their posts and welcomed in the guests. "Hi, everyone! Don't be shy! Pull up a chair! Take a rest! I'll go get some cool beverages and hot grits for you all!" And the king went running off into the kitchen happily where he met Éowyn, and the two of them started cooking. Athena went with one of the servants to the extra special chamber that was being prepared for her; it was, in fact, Théoden's own. The king of Rohan had figured that he could sleep on the floor of the Golden Hall so his savior would be in the most comfortable room. Obviously Théoden was not himself.

"Grits?" Boromir's eyebrow rose as he uneasily accepted a chair, but the visiting lords' disquiet did little to slow the monarch's bustling courtesy. Huan whined and attempted to hide behind his mistress's chair when Théoden tripped over him for the second time. Lúthien patted the big wolfhound soothingly, but the destroyer of Carcharoth merely whined pitifully, trying to squeeze his bulk under her daisy-print chair and out of the way of the madman.

"Oh, no!" moaned Gimli once he realized what was going on. "Théoden King has been corrupted by the Sue."

"Just when I think he's back to normal, Athena Firestone shows up and makes things worse," said Éomer crossly as he joined them. "And that must be why Éowyn is acting so strangely too." He shook his head in exasperation.

Thrór laughed. "According to the Law of the Sue, there can only be one female warrior in this story and Éowyn is not it!" His purple eyes glittered in an amused way, making Éomer suspiciously study him.

"What are you supposed to be anyway?" Éomer's horses were well trained, but he had never before seen one sitting at the table.

"A talking horse."

"A talking horse?" Éomer was understandably confused.

"Yeah. A damn talking horse. It's a long story, but here's the short version: I was the magical horse of a Sue as vile as – well, almost as vile as Athena. Actually, I can't decide which one is worse, Vallawen or Athena. They are both just so completely evil in their own little ways that I can't compare them." And he informed Éomer about Vallawen and her wretched Norse mythology mangling past.

Meanwhile Gimli turned to Boromir and Lúthien Tinúviel. "Well, it is obvious that we will find little help in Edoras," he observed gruffly. "Perhaps Éomer would give us aid, but what can he do that we cannot? I propose that we leave Rohan as soon as possible and make for Gondor."

Not knowing what else to do, Boromir agreed. "That sounds like the only thing we can do at this point."

"Do we have to take Athena Firestone with us? I don't know if I can stand her much longer," asked Lúthien sourly. But before anyone could reply, Athena Firestone came triumphantly walking into the room.

"It is so gorgeous in there! Well, probably not as nice as my room in Mirkwood Palace will be but still nice enough. Me 'n' Orl- I mean, Legolas will have the best quarters in Middle Earth! I deserve only the best."

"True that!" Figwit commented as he smiled his usual irritating grin. His unwilling traveling companions were mildly surprised, as ever, that his head stayed on through that much nodding. There was certainly no weight within to anchor it to his neck.

Her long and beautiful hair shining in the faint evening light that beamed weakly through the doorway, the Sue- I mean, warrior nymph, - went over and made herself at home in Théoden King's throne. "Ahh," she sighed to herself as she sank into the huge throne, "Legolas, Legolas, Legolas. We shall be together soon and the world will rejoice, for Zeus has proclaimed our betrothal to be the most important of all the ages."

Boromir rolled his eyes at Gimli as they listened to the girl's mumblings. The dwarf coughed to cover his gagging motions.

Éomer finished in his discussion with Thrór and proudly declared, "I will help you get rid of Athena Firestone. Perhaps I can gather several Riders loyal enough to embark on such a dangerous mission and they can accompany us to Minas Tirith."

"We would be grateful for it," Boromir told him earnestly, and Gimli grunted in agreement. "Let us set off for Gondor in the morning. Athena Firestone thinks Legolas will be there, so I'm certain she'll consent to coming along."

Trepidation creeping over his face as he thought of the impossible girl accompanying the group to Gondor, Éomer turned to regard the Sue – I mean, Zeus' warrior nymph daughter - as she sat on the throne in all of her splendor, and his eyes seemed to suddenly glaze over in a sickly way. For the first time he had the chance to stare at this divine creature, at her huge green eyes and flowing flame-red hair which had mysteriously developed silver highlights since she had arrived at Edoras, at those luscious full pouting lips that just cried out for a kiss, and all of these wonderful traits made Éomer want to puke. This girl was so unreal it sickened him to the very core of his being.

It was at this time Théoden King and his giggling niece came charging back into the room, each carrying a tray filled with suspicious-looking food items. "All right, gang!" gleefully cried the king, "Here are the goods!"

"That smells gr8t!" Figwit exclaimed. No one knew exactly how, but the "elf" had managed to convey the number in his speech.

Grinning madly, Théoden set down the trays. "Well, it ought to! I was up all night making it in preparation for Athena's arrival! We've got haggis, fresh oysters brought in from the Pacific Ocean this morning, onion stew with an exotic red pepper sauce, some yummy roasted nuts, eggs benedict, crepe suzette, and some freshly made Root Beer! And of course, the big surprise! I made you my specialty: nice, hot GRITS with Tabasco sauce!"

Luthien gave Boromir an inquiring look at the list of delicacies, mouthing "Pacific Ocean?" but the man of Gondor shrugged helplessly, as lost as she.

"I didn't think there was a large body of water within a day's riding distance from here," he told her in a sotto voice as Theoden beamed at them, grinning as if he were not quite right in the head. "Firestone's doing, most likely."

"And I helped," laughed Éowyn as she poured the Root Beer, trying to keep it from spilling all over the new pink frilly dress she had sewn herself. "I just love to cook!"

Before he could stop himself, Éomer gave a frustrated howl. "No, YOU DON'T LOVE TO COOK!" he hollered at his sister. "And you, Théoden King, you aren't supposed to be cooking for your guests! YOU ARE THE KING! There are servants for this kind of work."

"Oh, pshaw!" said Théoden. "You're just jealous of my extraordinary cooking skills, nephew."

"That does it!" Éomer slammed his mug of frosty Root Beer hard on the table, sending the beverage flying all over Boromir and Lúthien. Huan scrambled away from the mess, shaking Root Beer all over Gimli and their hosts. "I can't stand another second in Edoras!"

Her eyes sparkling, Athena exclaimed, "Oh, but why? Edoras is such a nice place, and the people are so friendly."

"That reminds me!" Théoden suddenly yelled. "Will you marry me, Athena Firestone?" He threw himself on his knees before her. "You have saved Edoras and my rule from the evil Hades, and I cannot think of any other way to thank you."

"You are old, good king. I need someone young like Legolas!"

"Legolas is MUCH older than me!" Poor Théoden was beside himself with despair. "Why choose him? I love you!"

"Because Orl- I mean, Legolas is my destined husband. Father Zeus has proclaimed it to be so, you see, and I cannot change the choices of the gods. Plus he is a very handsome elf! Not like you or those two over there!" she cried, pointing at Gimli and Boromir. "Legolas is gorgeous!"

The Tolkien fans were calling for blood. "WE MUST KILL HER! She butchers the canon in such horrendous ways that she must be eliminated from Tolkien's wonderful world! And she calls any character that isn't Legolas 'ugly!'"

"Even Boromir! Everyone knows that elf is just a girly boy with no character traits compared to –" the beta reader of this parody piped up from Somewhere Mysterious. The Tolkien fans and sane characters fixed her with an odd stare. "Shutting up now." She slunk off before the pitchforks could start flying again.

"Oh, calm down," said the ever-calm Thrór. "Just wait. You'll get your chance and hopefully it will be very satisfying. The author of this parody will ensure that."

The Tolkien fans fell silent. A few of them left to hunt down the beta before she became too rabid a fangirl.

"Well, ok, I guess you do have to marry Legolas," Théoden King reluctantly agreed. "But at least let me cater the wedding – I can make upside down cake!"

"Oh, of course!" The Sue – I mean, Zeus' warrior nymph daughter - was all too happy to indulge the king's request. "My good king, you are welcome to cater my wedding!"

"Yay!" squealed the king. It was embarrassing, and a little frightening, for Éomer to watch his uncle jumping up and down like a little kid with too much caffeine. It was even more frightening for Éomer to realize he knew what caffeine was.

"Let's plan what will be on the menu right away!" And so Athena and Théoden King rattled on into the night making food preparations for a wedding that the groom didn't even know about.

"This is making me sick," commented Lúthien as she watched them. Figwit had proved impossible to sit down with, much less cure. "I am beginning to agree with Éomer – staying here in Edoras is becoming exasperating. We should pick up and leave right now. I suppose we could even leave Athena Firestone here, as I am sure it will take her months to plan her grand wedding to Legolas." The lady's stunning grey eyes promised a slow death for the Sue, should the elven princess be forced to continue journeying with her.

"Well, of course we could do that," said Boromir with a shrug. He wouldn't mind seeing Athena get what she deserved, but when dealing with reborn elves sent to Middle Earth on a mission from Eru, it was best to be accommodating. "I never was too happy about taking her to Gondor with us."

The dwarf sighed. "She must come along. We can't risk her running into Vallawen, remember? Athena must think that Legolas is in Minas Tirith so she will accompany us, and we can keep an eye on her."

Boromir scowled. "You are right, Gimli. We'll leave in the morning as originally planned."

"And I shall spend the rest of the night trying to rally together any men in Edoras who are still loyal to the canon, if there are any, and we shall go along to Minas Tirith with you. We shall need all the help we can get if Athena Firestone meets this Vallawen creature you speak of, Thrór," Éomer observed. He stood up and cried, "Farewell, my friends! I shall be at the stables when the sun rises, with my men. Meet me there." And the tall young man sprinted out of the hall, eager to be away from Athena Firestone and his deranged relatives.

"Let us hope he can arrange a company," muttered Boromir as he watched Éomer go.

The ridiculously colored talking horse snorted. "You have no idea how much we might need the extra help," he said. "As I explained before, Sues bring many un-canonical perils into Middle Earth; well, besides themselves, I mean; and who knows what crazy beasts and creatures from Norse and Greek mythology might await us on the journey from Rohan to Gondor?"

Her head snapping up, the elven princess Lúthien glared at him. "Oh, I can just hardly wait," she stated dryly, and Gimli and Boromir looked at each other with worry in their eyes. It was bad enough that they had to deal with Athena Firestone without adding an additional host of un-canonical creatures to Middle Earth.

Only Figwit remained at ease. "Dude, this is so cool! Maybe Théoden can made sushi for the wedding 'cuz I love sushi; it is dah bomb."