And Now For Something Completely Different…

And Now For Something Completely Different…

Author's Note: Something completely different? That's not a song title! Yeah, I'm aware that isn't a song title but this chapter really is completely different. My friend Kittie and I were discussing Harley Quinn being in a Batman movie and somehow it got to Batman 40 years into the future. And this is what came of that conversation…once again; it has nothing to do with the story.

Batman: The Golden Years

Starring….

Adam West as Batman

Ian McKellen as the Joker

Bea Arthur as Catwoman

Betty White as Harley Quinn

Rue McClanahan as Poison Ivy

Paul Newman as Two-Face

Burt Ward as Nightwing

And the rest of the cast is random old people I nabbed from the old folks home down the road.

Synopsis: Batman universe has hit their golden years and are still going at it. It's a late night for our dark hero, around 7:30 pm or so, and he's perched on top of the Gotham Museum waiting for Catwoman to make her appearance…..

"It's cold up here," Nightwing commented as he pulled his jacket tighter.

"What was that?" Batman asked snapping his attention from the shadow on the opposite wall.

"I said, it's cold up here."

"Yes, it is hard to hear," Batman agreed.

"No, I said…ah forget it," Nightwing said a bit frustrated.

"What am I getting?"

Nightwing shook his head.

"I heard something," Batman whispered.

"Sorry, I had broccoli," Nightwing replied, slightly embarrassed.

Suddenly, a loud crash erupted from below them.

"You need to cut back on the vegetable," Batman commented.

"That one wasn't me."

The heroes dropped into the museum below, well…they walked through the roof door and took the elevator to the museum below.

"It's dark in here," Nightwing commented.

"You got your eyes closed," Batman told him.

"Oh, right."

"As sharp as ever," Catwoman hissed from the opposite side of the room.

"Stop right there Catwoman!" Batman ordered.

"Just try and stop…" she was interrupted by a coughing fit, "me." She pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. "I really gotta quit."

"What are you doing here?" Joker grumbled as he entered the room with Harley close behind. "Damn walker got stuck again."

"Joker? What are you doing here?" Batman asked.

"I'm robbing this bank!" he replied.

"For the last time Puddin', this is the museum!" Harley whined.

"Heh? Damn it!" Joker cursed.

"Joker, I'm taking you back to Arkham," Batman told him pointing a finger at him.

"We don't go to Arkham anymore, we go to Shady Pines remember?" Harley asked.

"Oh...right."

"You're not taking me back without a fight," Joker growled shaking his walker in Batman's general direction.

"A little to your left," Batman told him.

"Oh, thanks. I need to get new bifocals," Joker mumbled.

Catwoman started to tiptoe toward the door but Nightwing stepped in front of her.

"Going somewhere?" he asked.

"I gotta get home, American Idol is coming on," she said with a sly smile.

"You're not going…going…damn. I forgot what I was saying," Nightwing cried in frustration.

"You were telling her she wasn't going anywhere," Ivy cooed as she walked in to the room.

"Hiya Red!" Harley called.

"Harley? I thought you were going to Boca," Ivy said slightly confused.

"Me and Puddin' stopped for some money but he got confused and took us to the museum instead of the bank."

"I didn't get confused! The bank was here. They moved it!" he yelled and then went into a coughing fit. "Stupid fluid in my lung."

"It's like a reunion in here," Two-Face said as he wrapped his arm around Ivy which caused her to wobble.

"What are you doing here?" Batman asked.

"I go where she goes…she has my meds," Two-Face explained.

Ivy jabbed him slightly in the foot with her cane. "Meh."

"Well you're all going back to Shady Grove," Batman grumbled.

"Shady Pines!" Joker corrected. "And I am not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Yes I am!" Joker yelled.

"No you're not!"

"Fine! I'll leave then. Send you a postcard from Boca. Come on Haley," Joker said as he pulled Harley toward the door.

"It's Harley, not Haley," she told him.

"I said Harley," he argued.

"You also said this was the bank," she replied.

"I told you! This was the bank! They moved it!" he yelled.

"You've lost it Jack," Catwoman told him.

"I'm calling Gordon and hauling you all in," Batman told them as he pulled out his phone.

"Gordon's been dead for three years," Harvey said. "And he's been retired for 20."

"Gordon's dead? When did that happen?" Batman asked.

"Ten years ago!" Catwoman growled.

"Three!" Two-Face corrected.

"Whatever," she sighed.

"Well, I'm calling the police anyway," Batman said.

"You'll never take me alive!" Joker called as he made a move for the door.

"Are you having another heart attack Puddin'" Harley asked.

"I never had a heart attack, that was Riddler," Joker replied.

"I thought he had a stroke," Ivy commented.

"No, Penguin had a stroke. Riddler had the heart attack," Catwoman replied.

"They both had a stroke," Two-Face told them.

"Who had the heart attack?" Joker asked.

"You did, last year!" Batman barked.

"Why don't I remember?" he asked.

"You have Alzheimer's," Catwoman told him.

"No he doesn't, he has slight memory loss," Harley argued.

"This is neither here nor there. We're all going down town," Batman ordered.

Suddenly, someone's phone started to ring.

"You're phone's ringing Joker," Two-Face pointed out.

"Blast it," he muttered digging through his pockets. Joker pulled out some old tissues, his reading glasses, Harley's denture case, and finally his phone. "Hello."

"Hey grandpa," came a boy's voice from the phone.

"Harley its Sheridan," Joker said handing her the phone.

"Hi Sheridan, its nana," Harley squealed.

"Tell Sheridan I said hello," Ivy cried.

"You're great aunt Ivy says hello."

"Nana, I'm in a bit of a pickle," Sheridan said.

"Oh no! He is not getting anymore money! Let his dead beat dad give him money. I told Billie not to marry that bum," Joker muttered.

"What do you need Sheridan?" she asked. "Huh? Uh huh. Well I don't see why your poppa and I can't buy you pajamas. What? Uh huh. Okay, well we'll send you the money then. Bye Sheridan, nana and poppa love you." Harley closed the phone.

"Pajamas?" Joker asked.

"Yes, he wants some satin pajamas," Harley explained.

"Why does he need satin pajamas?!"

"For those hot summer nights," she told him.

Joker gritted his teeth and muttered under his breath about strangling Sheridan with his satin pajamas. "Why can't he ask his parents?"

"He did but his dad said no," Harley replied.

"Bah!"

"Are you done?" Batman asked.

"Oh quiet you. I bet your grandchildren bother you too," Joker said.

Batman scrunched up his face and grunted.

Catwoman was halfway out the door when Nightwing caught her wrist.

"No way kitty cat," he told her.

Catwoman fought to free her wrist but quickly gave up. "I'm too damn old for this."

Joker hurled his walker in Batman's direction and made a horrible attempt to run for the door. The walker landed a foot from where Joker stood.

"Stop right there!" Batman ordered. He pulled a batarang from his utility and threw it at Joker. It flew too far to the right and clocked Two-Face in the head.

"Ow! What the hell!" he roared.

"Sorry, my aim is all off," Batman apologized.

A fight erupted and eventually the Gotham PD showed up and broke the whole thing up.

"I'm Batman! I don't belong in Shady Pines!" Batman flailed his arms and legs as the GCPD officer pushed him into the police car.

"Sure you are," Joker cackled.

"Quiet you!"