Mistress

Chapter Eleven: I Miss You [Blink 182]


(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends


Nova lay trembling in his arms, eyes wide from the events which had transpired hours before. His cold arm lay loosely over her abdomen and she could hear his heavy breathing tickling the back of her neck with each exhale. Squeezing her eyes shut Nova willed herself far away from there, far from the embrace of Palpatine. She could still remember the way Vader's heart drummed against her ear, rhythmically calming her soul.

Sitting up abruptly, Nova pulled her knees into her chest, burying her head in the crook of her elbow. When she had looked up into his dark haunted eyes, she had thought for an instant she had seen an emotion once reflected in the eyes of Kadir when he'd professed his love for her. His metallic fingers brushing her cheek before retracting suddenly as if she'd seared him. Then the gates had slammed back down, and even without a mask his face he was once again concealed from her. It was as if her touch had suddenly become a branding iron to him and he'd pushed her far from him, turning from her.

"Go."

That single syllable still resonated in her chest like a kick to the gut. She felt sick just remembering her encounter with him. Had her six months away really made her so weak? It was disgusting. She'd almost forgotten the hatred she bore for Vader, almost overlooked the pain he had brought her over and over again. How was it that she had failed to see him for what he was: a monster? Just as monstrous as the man who lay beside her right now. Just as damned and distorted as her own soul. What had he really been doing by pulling her into his arms? Surely it was some trick or attempt to manipulate her. She vividly recalled how Palpatine would use the force any time he sensed her vulnerability to try to twist her mind more closely around his. Vader was no doubt using the same technique, Nova swore to herself that she would never allow herself to be vulnerable around him ever again.

Her heart jumped at that thought and Nova bit her lip, the taste of blood flooding her mouth as she tried to squash the emotion. She could not imagine why she was reacting to the thought of him this way. How was it that when she had finally started to feel grown up he had reduced her to feeling like a breakable child again? Her heart beat in a flurry of broken wings at the mere thought of Vader. At the same time that she ached in a way that was so foreign to her whenever he was near, she was also repulsed by him. With his mask he was a machine that only hated and destroyed and encased within was a distorted frail man. For all of his strength, he looked to her so fragile and breakable when she beheld his true face and his scarred body terrified and repulsed her.

On the other side of Coruscant Vader lay in bed restlessly staring at the ceiling. In the morning he would be off-world searching for the missing data plans for the Death Star. It would take him far far away from here and he was glad for that. Every part of his being yearned to be millions of parsecs from here… from her. Far from her crying eyes and bleeding soul.

Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was her face, the determined smirk when she activated her lightsaber, the apathetic gaze when she hung on the arm of the Emperor, and her blotchy tear-stained expression when she wilted in his arms. He could still feel the weight of her in his lap. His yearning to feel her wintry hair slip through his fingers now mocked him as he recalled how it felt gliding across his chest. The way she had fit perfectly in his arms, tucked beneath his chin. It reminded him too vividly of Padme.

It had been so long since he had cradled a woman in his arms. An eternity since he had shown tenderness towards anyone. The strangeness of it should have been enough to shake him out of whatever madness had overtook him, but it hadn't, holding her there had felt so natural. While it was like being with Padme, it was at the same time so different. When he looked at Nova it wasn't Padme he saw, instead of an independent and charmingly intelligent woman, he saw barely more than a girl. A girl who was closed off and untouchable. A girl whose only emotions were hatred and anger.

When he had touched her face with his hand and felt nothing but pressure against the metal, no sensation of warmth or softness, he had finally realized what was happening and ordered her away while a part of him screamed in frustration. There were new developments in biomechanics that allowed those with amputated limbs to receive skin grafts which Vader had avoided getting in order to always remind himself of the truth of his condition. He was the machinery that made up his body: cold, isolated, unfeeling, and uncaring and he would always be that way. It was a mistake to change his ways now. It reminded him too much of what it had been like to be Anakin. A snarl crossed Vader's face at that name. Anakin Skywalker was long dead, Vader had killed him himself. Murdered the same day he had murdered Padme.

"You still have the power to become Anakin again, if you would only open your heart."

The Dark Woman's final words echoed through his head. Vader smashed his fist through a bedside table and stood up quickly, crossing the floor of his bedroom to the balcony and threw open the doors. The cold air whipped around him, drying the sweat from his bare chest, chilling him to the bone. His breath came in ragged gasps and he knew he couldn't be outside for long or he would pass out. As he began to become lightheaded, Vader stared across Coruscant to the well-lit Imperial Palace where Nova would be deep asleep laying in the Emperor's arms. His heart cried out in his chest like a burning coal at the thought of her and the Emperor, recalling with disgust her pleasured cries at his hands while under the influence of Xixor's pheromones.

Turning his back on the glowing city Vader walked back into his room, flipping on the lights he began pulling on his life suit. Since he was awake he might as well continue his investigation as quickly as possible. It was best to be gone from this accursed planet and its damned people.


Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time


Sneaking past the guards and into the Jedi Temple was easier than Nova had thought it would be. It had been long enough and the Temple in such disrepair that they really weren't worried about any break in. When intrusions did occur it was usually on the basis of a dare or in order to vandalize or steal equipment. As Nova wandered through the once famous halls she couldn't help but be less than impressed. Graffiti covered the interior and tiles and circuits had literally been torn out of areas and probably sold for scrap. Blast marks covered the pillars and walls of the main chamber, the ceiling crumbling in places. She found herself grimacing at the condition of the Temple, wondering if coming here would be a fruitless effort. Squinting her eyes she tried to imagine what the hall would have looked like before it had been destroyed by the Empire and couldn't come up with an adequate picture.

Strolling silently through the various rooms, Nova knew she needed to get off of this level and into the more obscure areas in order to find a less destroyed section of the Temple. Drawing towards the lift, Nova flicked her wrist and the doors flew open. She found herself staring up a long elevator chute that seemed to travel into nothingness. There appeared to be only one level below her and she could always explore that on the way back. Shifting a bag carrying her change of clothes and lightsaber on her back she gripped the side of the vertical tunnel and began to climb. She wasn't sure where she was going but was content to merely explore the vast Temple for the moment. She climbed easily up the elevator shaft, her strong arms and back pulling herself up meter by meter.

It was many floors later when she decided to leave the elevator shaft, abandoning the illusion that she could scale the walls forever until she was at last consumed in darkness. The floor she chose still bore signs of damage but contained some semblance of its old self and she could imagine that people had once lived here. She walked past rooms with beds inside of them, they were simple and frequently shared by more than one person. She entered some of them, running her fingers across coarse blankets, even laying down in one of the beds that seemed to call to her. The mattress was uncomfortable compared to what she was used to in the royal palace but she forced herself to stay there a moment, observing the monastic room and unadorned ceilings. Whatever possessions had been in here, they had long since been taken, but as she turned and looked out of the window by the bed, staring across Coruscant's shining landscape, Nova tried to picture herself living here in the time of the Old Republic. Surely she would have been brought here at a young age, she wondered what life would have been like to be raised as a Jedi.

With a derisive hiss she sat up, rubbing her forehead in frustration, and left the room to explore other areas of the Temple. Wondering about the past was useless and would not retrieve what she wanted for the future. She moved quickly now and silently, practicing her stealth, stilling every time she made the slightest noise and retracing her movements in order to correct herself. Though she meant it to be a serious exercise, Nova found herself enjoying it as if it were a game. For some reason this place made her feel relaxed as if she had time to simply focus on the present and to live in it fully. Nova attributed this to being out of the Emperor's gaze, pushing aside the voice in her head that cautioned that even on her journey to other planets she hadn't felt released from the pursuit of future desires.

Nova had never lived in the present before, it had always been far too painful so she had spent all of her time dwelling on future plans and goals. All of her present was bent towards the achievements of the future and accomplishing goals that would get her there. Suddenly, though she intended to practice her new skills with the force, Nova was released in a place that she could simply explore for the sake of exploring. When she climbed one of the spires she discovered an entire section of rooms that housed a large garden and pools of water.

Wandering through it, her shoes cast aside Nova looked at the now wild and overgrown plants and trees, the water coated in algae from disuse. Had the Jedi had so much frivolity to enjoy these useless amenities? There was a part of her that wished she too could take the time to sit here for a while and enjoy the feeling of the peace it offered, but she knew that the time she spent would sacrifice her desires, and she could never do that.

Nova passed through a vast library in the course of her search for the training facilities, looking in wonder at all the collections of holobooks and datasticks, she stared curiously around at all of the accrued information. Much of it appeared to have been taken or destroyed but there was still so much littering the large room which ascended many levels. Nova had never imagined that there was so much information to be documented in the entire universe, let alone that it could all be gathered and so impeccably organized. Were the Jedi also librarians? She snorted at the thought. The Jedi must have been weaker warriors than she'd thought.

Perusing some of the shelves Nova searched for a diagram of the Temple itself, hoping that would help her find training rooms or other interesting areas of the Temple. She collected a few holobooks which sounded interesting. Some of them were histories of the Temple and some spoke of the Sith, others bore schematics for different lightsabers and held videos of duels between masters. After depositing them in her pack to explore at a later time, Nova finally found a schematic and made her way to one of the other spires in order to train.


And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight


"I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you." Vader demanded of the young Princess Leia who stood before him, flanked by his own guards. They had finally tracked the plans to her ship and he knew that she was in possession of them.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she responded willfully as if she weren't intimidated by him in the least. "I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."

Vader's anger stirred at her response. The Imperial Senate was the only structure left of the power play between the Emperor and the citizens of the Empire. He knew very well who Leia Organa was, despite having little interaction with her in the past. Her father had been captured and escaped long ago and had been one of the founders of the rebels.

"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor, take her away!" Vader's fists curled at his side in frustration of having only this girl stand in the way of him and the plans the Emperor desired. As he moved among his troops and around the small ship Vader tried to bottle his frustration for a later time. He could not afford to make a mistake here or the Death Star plans could once again slip through his grasp. He didn't understand why the Princess brought his anger to the surface so quickly. Perhaps it was simply that she stood in his way and made it so that he had to remain aboard the Death Star, surrounded by these insects for even longer. But deeper inside, a thought he would never admit to having crept out of the darkness of his mind.

Seeing someone else dressed in the fashion that Nova had made popular among the court goers and senators, the loose white clothing that covered every inch of her body, made him furious. Not only did Leia's dress inevitably draw his mind back towards Coruscant and Nova, the way she looked at court or wandering the halls like a shard of glass, but it angered him because Leia wore it out of choice rather than necessity. Leia would never know that the woman she and so many others had taken their fashion from had to wear that style to hide her own mutilated body and white in order to stay sane by contrasting herself with the Emperor.

Leia was nothing like Nova. Nova was stronger than she could ever imagine or hope to become. Nova had been through more and been refined into precious and pure silver by unforgiving flame like the flames that had baptized him on Mustafar. Flames which had left both of them horribly scarred but while they had turned him into a hideous machine, somehow Nova had been made more beautiful with each trial she faced.

Vader slammed a fist into the wall of the shuttle, startling some troops that were passing him who quickly hurried on. He paused and closed his eyes, collecting himself. He could not allow these thoughts of Nova to penetrate his mind and corrupt his soul. She was a toxin that worked through him which his only wish was to be purged of. At least his pursuit of the plans had taken him far from her for the time being and had given him other things to distract himself with. He could not admit to himself that each step he took away from her slowly turned more of his soul into ash.


Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)


Nova's body ached in exhaustion from her training as she made her way back through the Temple. Though she had not progressed as far as she'd hoped in her use of force lightning, she had not needed to hide her use of it or hold back. Her body was so tired, Nova didn't realize she'd found her way back to the same bedroom she'd explored earlier until she was already in it. Setting her pack down, Nova peeled her training clothes off and laid them out on the ground enjoying the feeling of air on her sweaty skin.

She knew that she had a few more hours before she needed to be back at the Imperial Palace in order to appear at court with Palpatine. She had little desire to return well before then and laid down once again on the uncomfortable bed and stared out across Coruscant. Nova could not decide why she liked this room so much. Perhaps it was because it did not face the Imperial Palace, nor the view she had from her balcony. Instead it faced towards the east, towards sunrise. It was a view of the city she did not often observe, perhaps the only time she had was when she had left Vader's tower and then she had not focused on the view.

For whatever reason she felt safe in this room, as if she could pretend that she was seeing some other city and that this was her bed, a place where she belonged. Pulling out one of the holobooks that recorded duels between Jedi masters, Nova let it play while she curled up under the blanket and watched a man with a purple lightsaber duel a Twi'lek woman. Her eyes felt heavy and it wasn't long before Nova began to drift off to sleep, the memory of the way Vader had held her in his arms returning as a half-conscious wish for him to hold her again in this bed while they both fell asleep.


AN: In honor of the new Star Wars movie: a new chapter.