He bolted into the kitchen and started grabbing food. He paused at the cereal cabinet. And then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Nagi got a wonderful awful idea. He spitefully grabbed all of the Fruity Pebbles, and, just to be a real bastard, the Cocoa Pebbles too. And just in case Schuldig was planning on compensating with Froot Loops he took all the milk as well.
DING DONG.
"Crap." Nagi sent all the supplies into the bathroom and slammed the door, then warily made his way over to the front door.
What he found on the other side was quite possibly the most unpleasant thing imaginable.
"Hi-oh it's you." Ouka scowled at him, clutching a giant welcome wagon basket. "Great, the new neighbors are freaks."
"I know how you feel." Nagi said, slowly closing the door.
Then the Ouka had an idea. A dastardly idea. The Ouka had a wonderful, dastardly idea. If there is a Nagi, then an Omi must surely follow.
Ouka stuck her foot in the door to keep it open.
"This is trespassing." Nagi snapped.
"Actually, my father owns this penthouse, so really it's not. Don't you want your welcome wagon?" Ouka asked cheerfully.
"No. Just put it on the doormat." Nagi instructed, making a renewed effort to close the door. He kicked her foot out of the doorway, shut it and locked it. Then the lock snapped back.
"I have a skeleton key! I can come in anytime I want, so you might as well just let me in!" Ouka called from the other side.
"That is really creepy." Nagi ignored her, and headed back to his bedroom to organize his new supplies.
"Where are you going?" Ouka asked.
"The bathroom." Nagi answered.
"Oh."
LATER
"You've been in there for over an hour. Are you okay?" Ouka asked.
"Go home!" Nagi called.
"I'm opening the door. Are you decent?"
"No."
"Well you're never really decent anyway." Ouka opened the door. "What the hell?" Nagi was sitting on the toilet typing on his laptop, which was seated on a TV tray. The sink was full of cold water and plugged, with the milk sitting in it.
"A hamster stole my bedroom." Nagi explained. "So I stole the bathroom."
"Right. You're crazy, I get it. Are you talking to Omi?" Ouka asked, noting the IM box on his laptop screen.
"No."
"He won't give me his screen name for some reason. I've been trying to get it for awhile now. Do you have it?"
"No, he won't give it to me either. I guess he's paranoid. Doesn't like talking to people…online." Nagi explained.
Ouka leaned over his shoulder, and Nagi was unable to hide the conversation box fast enough.
"Ah. So you're cheating on Omi then." Ouka seemed delighted with this little tidbit.
"Yeah. That's why I didn't want you to see this. You gotta help me Ouka. Promise you won't tell."
"You're a very unconvincing liar." Ouka snapped. "Bombay22987. Well that's easy. It's just his birthday at the end."
"It's his birthday?" Nagi asked.
"You're trying to lie right now, right?"
"Oh shit…that's kinda soon."
"You really are a horrible boyfriend!" Ouka accused.
"Yeah, well you're an excellent stalker." Pause. "What else do you know?"
"What can you do for me?" Ouka asked.
Nagi thought for a minute.
"Pictures." Ouka said.
"What? Baby pictures?" Nagi asked hopefully.
"No. Take pictures of him. I'll get you one of those tiny spy cameras." Ouka clarified.
"That's just…" Nagi shuddered. "Why don't you take pictures of him?"
"He's around you more than he's around me. And I do. He's always got the same fake smile on. I want some variety."
"You're creepy. Get out of my bathroom!"
"I know all his likes and dislikes. I can help you get a good present."
"I winged it on Christmas well enough." Nagi muttered.
"So you're gonna get him another promise ring?" Ouka asked patronizingly.
"How the hell did you know about that!" Nagi yelped.
"I have my ways…" Ouka said shiftily. "I'll have the camera for you tomorrow."
ELSEWHERE
Crawford pulled up in front of the Koneko, where Yohji was washing his car in the driveway. He helped Aya out of his car and held him while he stumbled towards the door.
Yohji dropped the hose. "Has there been an attack? I thought you two were friends! What did you do to-whoa…hey there Rummy." Yohji caught a wiff of Aya's breath.
"I believe this is yours." Crawford said, dumping Aya onto the driveway.
"Actually it's Ken's." Yohji replied.
"Kensha geniush…" Aya groaned.
"Is he even speaking Japanese?" Yohji asked. "That's right Aya, wooshy wooshy woo. C'mon, let's get you to bed."
"Yer'n idiot!"
"Fine, you can sleep on the lawn. Rummy." Yohji snapped.
"No, what he means is in comparison to Hidaka you're an idiot." Crawford explained.
Yohji picked up the hose menacingly. "Get off my property!"
"Look, according to the intelligence scores-"
"I just helped him find his way out of the food pantry." Yohji explained. "So I don't need you people telling me he's smarter than me! And you're freaking teammate just pissed all over my car, I don't need this-"
"YOHJI!" A cry of pure Ken terror was heard from the house.
"It's just a pillow Ken, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yohji screamed. "He hasn't been the same since the flower shop incident."
"Look, Aya's upset because Ken got a perfect score on the Kritiker IQ test." Crawford explained.
"Yeah, right." Yohji said sarcastically. "Ken's a genius. And Aya lost his car!"
"Yes."
"Get out." Yohji was once again leveling the hose at him.
"Fine. Rummy can explain it to you when he stops slurring." Crawford gave up and headed towards his car.
Yohji half-carried Aya to his bed and was just about to return to washing his car when the phone rang. "Hello?"
"Hello. Is Absynnian in?"
"He's indisposed right now. Can I take a message?" Yohji asked.
"Balinese?"
"That's me."
"Oh, well, it's about Siberian's recent test scores. Apparently this is the first time Kritiker has had access to a full fledged super genius and-"
"Pardon?"
"His scores. He was off the charts. Anyway, we wanted to study his behavior, see what we can learn from him and maybe show his techniques to our other assassins."
"How did you get this number? Damn crank callers!" Yohji hung up. The phone immediately rang again, so he unplugged it.
LATER
Aya woke up a few hours later with a severe hangover and a fuzzy memory of why he'd gotten so drunk. He rolled over and saw a pair of eyes staring at him.
"AAAHH!"
"Aaaaahh!" The owner of said eyes screamed back, then covered his face with the blanket.
"Ken? What the hell are you doing in my bed! Stop screaming…dear God it hurts." Aya clutched his skull. "Ken, I promise I won't be mad. What are you doing in my room?"
"I was looking for your katana." Ken explained nervously. He knew from experience Aya never meant it when he said he wouldn't be mad if you told him something.
"Why are you! Ow…Why are you looking for my katana?" Aya asked, making every effort to keep his voice low and soft.
"I can't tell you."
"Why!" Pause. "Ow…"
"It's a surprise."
"Well I don't keep my katana in my bed."
"Oh."
"You can get up now."
Ken stood up.
"Leave the blanket. It's cold in here."
"Okay Aya-chan!" Ken said sweetly.
"Don't call me tha-ow…" Aya buried his head in his hands, calling up patience he didn't really have. By the time he'd recovered Ken was gone. As was his katana.
Now Aya was angry, and he couldn't even slashy-slashy something to make him feel better.
Aya stalked over to his bedroom door, ready to find Ken and decapitate him. He flung open the door, and then very quickly slammed it shut again.
"First aspirin. Then revenge." Pause. "Quite possibly breakfast."
ELSEWHERE
"So what are you doing for Valentine's day?" Ouka asked sweetly.
Nagi glared at her from across the table. He was eating his breakfast and she had once again broken into his home.
"Am I required to do something for Valentine's day?" Nagi responded. "I thought girls made chocolates or something."
"Well I didn't think you were really the man in this relationship." Ouka responded. "Ow! Stop flinging Froot Loops at me!"
"Have you seen Omi? He's sensitive and femmy! It's like he-have you seen his eyes! He wears mascara! And the way he dresses? It's all pink and frilly!" Nagi exclaimed.
"Well you should get him something to be safe. I don't know how it's supposed to work in these forbidden womanless relationships." Ouka snapped.
"Fine. I'll buy him roses." Nagi said noncommittally.
Ouka glared.
"What?" Nagi demanded.
"He's a florist. You can't get him roses for Valentine's day."
"You buy him flowers!" Nagi responded. "From his own shop!"
"I am a stalker. The rules are different for me." Ouka said haughtily.
"What rules?" Nagi snapped.
"Listen Nagi, you have three big events for presents coming up. His birthday, Valentine's day and your six month anniversary-"
"It hasn't been six months yet. Anyway, I thought anniversaries were celebrated by the year."
Ouka laughed. "Oh come on, everyone knows the big ones. One week, one month, six months and then yearly."
Nagi's eyes widened. As far as he could tell he'd missed all of those. He was pretty sure Omi had too. Then he remembered that teddy bear he'd gotten. And the hand made bracelet.
"Oh crap!" He got a pad of paper and a pen.
LATER
"Wait. How do I know I can trust you? You could be making this shit up." Nagi said accusingly.
"Well I was making some of it up." Ouka admitted. "You're gullible. What couple celebrates Groundhog day?"
"I don't know about real couples. That's the point." Nagi snapped.
"Look, I want to help you because I like it when Omi is happy. And you are a shitty boyfriend who won't make him happy without proper grooming." Ouka explained. "It's actually insulting that he's dating you when he could have me, so I'm at least going to make you up to my standards."
"And you want me to take dirty pictures of my boyfriend."
"Yes, that too."
ELSEWHERE
Schuldig's funds were now running a little low. Esset had all but cut Schwarz off, and the money they'd gotten from pawning Takatori's valuables was all but gone. He was standing in the supermarket with a box of Fruity Pebbles, staring at the Valentine's day display.
"Why the hell should I feel obligated to get that fucking asshole cowboy something." He growled to himself.
Well. There was a box of Fruity Pebbles back at the pent house. He could make it last.
He grabbed a large box of chocolates and stalked over to the counter.
When he arrived at the penthouse, Schuldig became very angry. The cabinet was bare of all Fruit Pebbles. The fridge was bare of all milk.
And sitting on the table for him was a vase of flowers from the cowboy.
"That cheap assed bastard! He's a fucking florist and he gets me flowers!" Schuldig picked up the vase and stalked over to the barrel. "Use your damn employee discount on me, will you?" He threw them into the barrel and trudged over to the couch. With his chocolates.
LITTLE LATER
"Coming up next on Oxygen, Bridget Jones's Diary. We now return you to When Harry Met Sally."
"Schuldig? Are you okay?" Dana was dropping Farfarello off, after his family therapy session with Dante. Farf had run through the room with a bloody puppet in his mouth, and was now excitingly investigating his new home.
"M'fine." Schuldig growled. "Shaddup. I'm watching a movie. Those two are never gonna hook up. And they're perfect for each other and they're too stupid to know! They don't deserve each other."
Dana looked scared.
"Well…I brought Farfarello back. Um…are you sure you're okay?"
"I would be if they made more coconut chocolates. Who the hell needs this many nuts in their damn chocolate?" Schuldig yelled, flinging a chocolate wrapper across the room.
"Someone…got you chocolates?" Dana asked.
"No. I got me chocolates! Someone was a bastard! Someone fucking lead me on. Now I eat his chocolates. And drink Crawford's hamster champagne."
"He bought champagne for his hamster?" Dana asked.
"No…he bought it to celebrate the hamster's birthday. He wasn' gonna give any to the hamster. And now he can't."
Dana looked from the still three fourths full Dixie cup of champagne to the fully inebriated assassin on the couch munching on chocolate. "How many champagne bottles did he have for the hamster?" Dana picked up the bottle, which was still all but full.
"Jus' the one."
"Schuldig, how much do you weigh?"
"Are you calling me fat!"
"No, no! Not that at all."
"M'not fat…" Schuldig sniffed. "Everyone calls me chubby. It's jus' because they're jealous. Jealous they don't look like this!"
"I'm…sure…they are." Dana said slowly. Schuldig's eyes were red and puffy from crying, his face was smeared with chocolate and his hair had taken on a whole new level of badness. "I was just trying to figure out how much of this it would take to make you…dead. I'm pretty sure the bottle would do it. The one bottle. Maybe half."
"Yeah, well don' tell Nagi that." Schuldig responded. He was watching the TV with rapt attention. "See! They get a happy ending. Tha's not how it really works. Tha's just what happens in movies. Movies are crap. I hope they die!" He threw another wrapper at the TV.
"Right." Dana looked uncomfortable. He got up to find Farfarello. He found him standing outside the bathroom door patiently.
"This blood's all sticky. I need to wash it off." Farf complained. "Nagi's been in there since I got home."
"Why don't you use the kitchen sink?" Dana suggested.
"Oh…okay."
"Um…can you look after Schuldig? He doesn't seem well."
Farf started laughing. "I can't even look after myself! They had to duct tape off the garbage disposal switch for me. Wait a minute…new house." Farfarello let out a giddy squeal and then ran for the kitchen.
"Nagi…can you look after Schuldig?"
Nagi opened the bathroom door and stared at Dana. He laughed, very openly and creepily considering he never really showed that sort of emotion, and then slammed the door shut.
"It's Valentine's day. I'm spending it with my boyfriend. I hope Schuldig kills himself." Nagi responded from the other side of the door.
Dana walked back to the living room, where Schuldig was now watching Bridget Jones's Diary. The scene featured a drunk Bridget alone on the couch with a bottle of wine lip synching along with the radio, to the song 'All by Myself' and Schuldig was acting it out perfectly, down to the high kick.
Dana frowned.
He went into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee, then sat down on the couch next to Schuldig to watch the movie with him.
That's all for now. We meant to have a V-day fic done well before V-day…but it sorta snuck up on us. We'll have it written in full eventually. Happy something people!
